There was no applause as I left the stage, as my dance was unannounced, unplanned for, and ignored. The gentlemen had their Geisha, their Maiko they were competing for, and I wore the kimono of a fine gentleman to match them. In the back of the room, the old man Hiroyuki-san slapped his palms together, lifting them into the air to allow me to see that he was delighted to have witness me dance. As I walked with grace back down the row of tables, I lowered my head to let my hair hide my prideful smile.
"This is the teahouse where most of your girls will be working. Occasionally they are requested by other teahouses, but this one most frequently. Come, let me show you the Okiya. Before anyone returns." Hiroyuki-san was a man full of excitement for his age. Childlike wonder gleamed in his eyes at every moment and occasion, and I wondered what kind of life he had lived to have earned such happiness.
The moment I stepped onto the worn slats of the floorboards in the Okiya, I was transported to the moment I had first stepped into one as a child. I had been sold under the guise that I was a girl, yet the boy I was surpassed the fortune the Okiya mother had been expecting to make from me. I had done her so proud, and what had she done to me? I could twist my story any way I liked to make it favourable to my memories, or to make it justify my sins. I looked around me and I saw a well kept if not worn in Okiya, resonating with care, with love. As I looked down the long hallway I could see room after room on either side, welcoming the Geisha and their Maiko little sisters to a place of solace and comfort. I could feel the atmosphere cool my nerves, and I could almost hear the ghostly echos of laughter from the occupants. I would have to be careful as ruler of the land. I had learned love, but I knew still only one way to give it.
"Your room is at the back, next to the garden. Will your pet Kitsune be joining you here to stay?"
"Both of them will. And I am the pet to them."
Hiroyuki-san was delighted, looking at my face as though he could see the entire life I lived just by glancing into my eyes. He worked his way with effort down the corridor, leading me to the room that would become mind to share with my lovers, within the Okiya's walls, instead of at arm's length of them. "I will introduce you once all the girls return. Come, we'll make tea until then. Won't be long."
Within myself, I could follow the path the tea took in my veins, cleansing each memory I had of belonging to an Okiya and what it meant. As I drank, I clung to the heat of the cup against my lips, the impressions left on my fingertips, the way my muscles ached from habits of keeping straight lines in my appendages. I let it wash away the preconceived notions I had about what it meant to live amongst the Geisha again. I was not a Geisha any longer.
Slowly, they began to trickle in, joining us at the small table as the old man poured a cup of tea. They observed me, but that was all. A Geisha and her Maiko sister, always two of them together. Each were beautifully adorned in rich colours, patterns, and each sunk to the floor to remove their Geta and scowl at her aching feet. I remembered those nights when my body burned from dancing, yet there was never relief for me. If I wanted to continue to live, I continued to dance, even just with the samurai in my room, and audience of one. These girls were spoiled, and I held back my immediate urge to hate them. There was no place for hatred and the urgency I felt to hate in the house. It was a weak voice, calling to me from the depths of my mind, and hushing it was easier than I anticipated it would be.
"Ladies, please meet Seishin. He will be taking over this Okiya, and taking care of you."
A rise of displeased voices followed the old man's introduction of me. I would not let their attention get away from me. Captivating attention was a skill that ran as closely over my skin as my blood did. Words often escaped me, and I was more skilled in speaking with my body. My voice had become deeper than it once was. "I was once a Geisha. I am not so lucky that the story of me made it all this way to burden you, from the other side of the mountain in a place Edo. I burnt it to the ground as I walked out of it."
The room became so silent I could hear the frequency of the air moving through it. I had them instantly.
"I will teach you everything I know. I only just learned about love, and so maybe in return, you can teach me some innocent kind of love."
The silence remained though each girl bowed low to me in respect as they parted my company. They would try me, I suspected. They would try me, and I would do my best to turn away my jealousy and quickness to anger. I would direct all the lust I felt to my own lovers. I could somehow be good for the girls, somehow take care of them, somehow keep my demons at bay. When I returned to my room, I found myself engulfed in the embrace of Mori, her fingers pressing hard into my back, her pointed nails grazing my skin. I held her in return as strongly, unmoved by her appearance, as in the far corner of my sight I witnessed the familiarity of Sugai.
"I know this is not what you wanted. But if I were to die tomorrow, I need to be proud of at least one moment in my existence."
He turned his gaze from me, but I saw the corners of his lips upturned in a smile. He relaxed into the corner of the room, so at home in the shadows created by the angle of the windows. "Live your life. It's clearly not up to me."
I allowed my consciousness to linger in waking as I saw the light of the dawn creeping in through the window. Mori still in my arms, her warmth against me as I soaked it in. How good it felt to be in that embrace, I thought. How accepted I had become in the presence of the two I called my lovers. How strange it was to define love as how it made me feel rather than how it hurt me. How secure it felt to be warmed, to be held, to be in control.
"When you get tired of watching your beauty fade and growing old, tell me."