I sat on the step of the shrine's entryway, my white kimono loose around my shoulders, wrapped chaotically around my body. I had lit a stick of incense, and the tendrils of smoke bloomed from the tip of it, spiralling into the dark of the night, white against the stark background of the forest. The moon's light was a spotlight through the canopy of the trees, the stillness of the air and quiet around me was consuming. I relaxed my shoulders, tilting my head to the sky to bathe my face in the moonlight, my hair cascading over my features. My eyes blinked my gaze downward to the incense and I pursed my lips together to blow a gentle breath onto the ember. I expected more. I expected to feel some illogical flood of emotion. I expected to feel loved. Instead, Sugai's words raced through my mind, "For you". The old man in the market had spoken with familiarity, had given him a gift. I wasn't sure what to question. Sugai's loyalty, the tricks my mind was playing, any matter of trust, any matter of apprehension. Suddenly I had fear. "I know who you are", the old man had said, and even I, who had lain with him, been bound to him, even loved him, did not know who Sugai was.
A presence beside me drew my attention, the movement of the air created as fabric danced with the footsteps. Sugai's body came to rest on the step beside me, matching me, our hips colliding. His arm reached behind me, his fingers gingerly touching the side of my face to draw me toward him. Softly, his lips touched my skin. I closed my eyes to feel, to sense, but there was nothing but calm, peace, in his presence. "The night is deep out here." He was not the desperate energy I had known. He was tamed, but I couldn't be sure that my charm had been the thing to finally domesticate him. "You are strong to survive here alone."
"I've survived. That is all I have done in my life, over and over. That is all I will ever do."
His gaze steadfast ahead of us into the forest. A curve of his lip into a smile. "Maybe, child. Maybe."
"I was not alone."
"Was Mori able to soften your heart?"
"What did the old man give you?" My voice sliced through the silence around us, colder, more harsh than I had meant it to, and it echoed against the trees. His energy was calm, but mine was electric.
"A gift." In contrast, he was solemn, I could feel a sinking heaviness in every corner and curve of him. What I had mistaken for peace was instead sadness. "But a gift for you. And I am not yet ready to give it."
I stood, bending to push the lit tip of the incense into the dirt to snuff it. I cast my eyes downward to meet his gaze, seeking, and I walked slowly into the forest. I let the darkness envelope me from his sight, with no destination in mind, just the urge to rid myself of his presence. I had spent so much of my existence yearning to be close to him, desperate in my heart to have him in my sight. I walked out of it so easily, overcome with suspicion, unable to trust. I wondered if so much time apart had hardened me to him, or if I had become untrusting, my skin made thicker by the forest, by the seasons changing. I had implored to him so many questions, and received nothing in return. I felt that I was owed more, that I had sacrificed enough to earn the knowledge I had been depraved of.
As I strode, letting the weight of my hair turn my gaze toward the night sky through the canopy of trees, I let each thought drain from my mind. Had I been made so unkind that even the return of the most precious treasure in my life could no longer bring me joy? Did I have to face the world with such disdain and distrust? Maybe the demon I carried had taken me over after all. I was tempted to examine my fingers, my toes, to discover if they had turned black with the evil.
Fingertips slowly traced the curve of the top of my shoulder, teasing, yet ever so slowly so as not to stir me. I turned my nose to my shoulder to identify the fingers, sharp nails like the claws of a cat. A swift pull, and I allowed it to move my body, my back landing against a tree. "A good plan, stalking into the cover of the forest. But I almost missed the the cue."
A smile crossed me, turning my head to glance at our surroundings. "It was not a cue."
Her body pressed against me, sharing her warmth, and my fingers found her with a mind of their own. Her palms ran the length of me, over my chest, skimming my neck, to cradle my face. Her eyes bore hard into mine. "Your long lost lover has returned to you. The winter is over. Why is there such sadness in you?"
I looked away, unable to endure the way she read me. I took her hand in mine from the grasp over my face, pressing my lips upon it. I drew in a deep breath, recalling her scent from the winter nights we slept entwined for warmth, or for pleasure. "He is not what I expected would be returned to me."
"What a change in you, Seishin." Clarity. Forgiveness.
"Do not misread me, spirit, it is not you who I prefer. You have simply softened my heart in this moment where in the last moment he hardened it."
"Has he told you?"
She locked her eyes with mine, unwavering, searching every crevasse of my memory for the answer to her question. If I could have done the same at will, I thought, I would have every word I sought, every ounce of control. I placed my hands over her eyes. "He has told me nothing. And I have asked him everything."
"Allow him this time, Seishin."
"You say my name so often."
I rested my head against the tree, craning my neck, my throat open and my eyes looking down my nose at her. "He is here to bring you death, Seishin." I uprighted myself to face her, searching for truth in her expression. I had never laid my eyes upon such a stoic face as hers. "He just wants more time first."
I recalled again the old man in the market, as close to death as I had ever seen, as he addressed Sugai with familiarity, passing him the fabric bag as a gift. A gift for me, Sugai had said. One that he was not yet ready to give. The sorrow I felt, I had borrowed from his heart. I understood the heaviness in him, how physically it echoed, in his presence that was overwhelming and choked me like the air had gone thin. "Why?"
"For your sins, I imagine. He is forced to." She stepped away from me, leaving space between us. The coldness in me must have been seeping into her. "Now maybe you can let your guard down for this time you have left together. You might still have years, that depends on him."
I pushed myself away from the tree, feeling every muscle tense in anticipation. I felt I could penetrate the earth with the sudden rush of energy and use it to propel me to flight.
"Seishin." She called to me before I had the chance to run. "He truly loves you."
"Him and I have a history of mistaking that emotion for something else. Mainly hate."
I saw happiness cross her face for the first time since I could remember. She had smiled before, she had laughed before, but the only time I could recall witnessing true happiness on her was the first winter storm. "Sugai and I have much in common."