"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. But today is a gift, that's why it's called the present."
My past that held me down for so long. The tomorrow that I lamented to be nothing more than a ceaseless cycle of suffering. Because I was so busy alternating between lamentation and introspection I was unable to truly live in my own present. And because of that I almost let something precious slip through my fingers.
But none of that matters anymore. And that's because—Today is a new day.
Every closed door is the intro to a brand new story. And the doors filled with worry, that is my past and my future, have both closed allowing a new one to open. Behind that door is a gift called the present which is where I will live and attain my own happiness from now on.
"Hmmm…," I carefully scrutinized myself in the bathroom mirror whilst gently combing through my hair. Now smooth as silk, I nod to myself satisfied. "Alright, perfect."
"Ehehe~ I wonder if they'll like it," I mumble whilst twirling the ends of my hair with my finger.
I kind of decided to do this on a whim, but… I think this fits me much better.
After I finish getting ready, I grab my school bag and start heading down to the living room.
"Ah!" My footsteps abruptly come to a halt and I let out an involuntary gasp. "I can't forget that!" Suddenly remembering that I left something very important behind, I quickly headed back to my room.
"I have to return this today no matter what," I say as I open my dresser, "Afterall…," Placing my hand on my chest, a smile begins to form on my face as I take out the only item in the otherwise empty dresser, "I won't be needing it anymore."
Can people really change?
I want to change. But no matter how strong your desire to change may be, people don't change so easily. Bad habits die hard, and because of that, it's unrealistic for someone to change overnight. Even now, after everything that's happened, I still have my doubts. I still might worry. There still may be days when I feel like I hate myself. It may be like that for weeks, months, or even years. I don't know how long it will take, and I know it won't be easy. But, even so… I want to change.
That desire is the starting line that I haven't been able to cross until now. I won't run away anymore. I won't wear a mask to hide who I am anymore. And no matter what I won't stop facing forward. If I can do that then I'm sure… One day… I'll become a person that's able to stand on her own two feet. Someone strong-willed and independent like you are. Isn't that right, Yurika-chan?
I know there will be hardships along the way. I'm a huge klutz, so I'm sure I'll trip and fall over again and again. I might get overwhelmed at times and feel like I want to quit. But so long as I have them by my side, I know that everything will be alright. If they can really believe in someone like— No, if they believe in Kotori Miyazaki, then I will believe in her as well. I will take the next step forward, and I'll do my best to become the kind of person I can be proud of. The kind of person that I will be able to love from the bottom of my heart.
And to do that—
"Alright! Today's the day I finally do it."
—I'll start by facing you head-on without looking away.
As I walk into the living room, I'm greeted by a sight I've grown unpleasantly familiar with for the past ten years. A disorganized room filled with the repugnant smell of alcohol. Within that room, a single figure lies under the kotatsu fast asleep.
"Zzz…"
The gentle breaths from my sleeping mother can be heard alongside the rhythmic chirping sounds from the cicadas outside.
"Hah… Seriously you're going to catch a cold if you keep sleeping out here," I sigh, gently placing a blanket over my sleeping mother.
"Anyway…," I say as I pick up a plastic cup off the floor, "When was the last time this room was cleaned? It's a total mess in here."
Numerous cups lathered in the stench of alcohol are scattered all across the table and floor. Her clothes are tossed all over the place. Ranging from the couch to on top of the tv, the disoriented manner in which they're spread out speaks volumes about her self-care. Not to mention all the trash that's accumulated throughout the entire room. To put it simply, it's a pigsty inside of here.
If I'm gonna do this, I want to do it right. And this isn't the kind of environment I want to talk to her in.
I briefly check my smartphone which reads 7:20 am. I still had plenty of time before I had to be at school.
"Guess I'll clean up a bit."
I set down my school bag and grab a pair of latex gloves from the kitchen. After rolling up my sleeves, carefully, so as not to wake my mother up, I start by taking up the cups on the table and floor and throwing them away. After that, I pick up all of the clothes chaotically spread throughout the room and put them in the washer. Once the clothes are taken care of, I finish up by tossing all of the trash into a bag and sweeping inside the living room.
"Phew, that wasn't so bad," I say, wiping the sweat off my brow.
"Zzz…"
All throughout my cleaning session, my mother showed no signs of waking up aside from a few exaggerated groans here and there.
My phone now reads 7:38 am. I walk to the kitchen and start brewing some green tea. My mother's favorite kind.
Once it's finished, I set the cup on top of the kotatsu and take a seat.
This is usually around the time she wakes up so I should prepare myself.
Resting the side of my face on my palm, for the first time in many years. I take a good long look at my mother. Her long, bright red hair. Her pretty slender fingers. Her slightly red cheeks—probably from a hangover. This is my mother. After all these years she hasn't changed a bit. She's just as beautiful as I thought she was back then. This is her— My mother. The person I cared for most in the entire world. The person I respected most in the whole world. The person who gave me strength and courage. The person I could always rely on. And also… the person that caused me the most pain…
"Mmm… Tea…? Who…?"
"Good morning, mother."
I know things won't be the same as before.
"…Ah. Kotori… Did you… erm…make this?"
"That's right. I thought you might not be feeling well this morning, so I made it for you."
"I-Is that so… Er…Um… Thank you…"
I know the rift between us won't be closed from one conversation.
"…the room it's—"
"I cleaned it."
"… I see."
I don't know if we'll ever be as close as we were before.
"… Er, your lunch money… it's um… it's on the counter."
"Ah, right. Thanks for always making sure I had money for lunch."
"N-No… it's the least I could do…"
All of our unspoken feelings. All of the words I'm sure we both wanted to say, but couldn't bring ourselves to.
" You um… Erm, your hair…"
"Ah, it's a long story, haha."
"I see…"
Even now she won't look me in the eyes. Even now she's treating me as if we're strangers. And even now, that still really hurts…
"…"
"…"
Silence. Neither of us says a word as we tiptoe around each other's gaze.
I open my mouth to say something, but, unable to find the right words, I wind up holding my tongue in frustration.
I'm scared. I want to run away. But… if I don't face her now, then nothing will change. If I want things to change I can't sit down waiting for a miracle to happen. If I don't like the way something is, I have to go out and change it with my own actions. I know that now. That's why I…
"Moth— No, mom," I promptly call out to her, breaking the silence.
Taken aback, my mom's eyes widened in surprise. "H-huh? W-what is it…?"
There are so many things I want to say right now. So many feelings that I can't properly put into words. What is it that I want to tell you most right now? What feelings do I want to convey to you at this very moment? Not what I think will make you look at me, but what I, Kotori, want to share with you.
Hah, what a silly question. In the first place, there's only one thing that comes to mind.
"Listen to this mom," I say, looking straight at her.
"…"
Although her head is slightly turned, my mom silently nods, indicating that she's listening.
At that gesture, I smile and start talking without pause, "I made some friends. They stuck by my side even when I tried to push them away. They laughed with me. They smiled so brightly at me. They got angry for my sake. They grieved for me. And they told me that they needed me. That they enjoyed having me by their side. They're very precious to me and I want to treasure them."
"…I see. That's…very nice to hear," my mom says somewhat monotonously. She wore a difficult expression, almost as if she didn't know how to react or what to say.
My smiling unyielding, I continued speaking, "And so… When I get back from school today… I want to tell you more about them. Will you listen to me… like you used to back then?"
"…you want to…tell me?"
"Mhm. I want you to know about the important people in my life. After all… you're also important to me."
"Me…? I'm important to you…?" My mom, whose mouth hung open, had a look of absolute bewilderment on her face. It was like she couldn't fathom the words that had come out of my mouth. It was really cute honestly.
"Yup!" I sang, flashing her an even brighter smile than before.
Clutching at her chest area, a pained expression painted my mom's face. She opened and closed her mouth in repetition several times before finally managing to choke out the words that she wanted to say. "B-but… I said… And I… How… How could you possibly feel that way after how I hurt you…"
"If you want to know how then it's simple. No matter what happened between us in the past... No matter how much you may have hurt me… You're still the only mom I have in this world. So of course you're important to me."
"Ko…tori…"
"I know things might not be the same as before, and it might take time for me to fully forgive you… But be that as it may, I still like, really love you, mom."
Starting with a single tear creeping down her cheek, before I knew it, a stream of tears had begun to pour down her face. "I…I'm… sorry… I'm so…so sorry…"
"Wah! H-Hey, don't cry mom. I'm right here, alright?" Making my way beside her, I frantically tried to console her in a way that would've looked like a mime act if you were watching from afar.
"I'm sowwy Kotori… I… I didn't mean what I said back then… I just… it was just so hard and I… I should've never said something like that about my precious daughter…"
"…" My hands dropped to my side and I said nothing as she continued to wail.
"All this time… I wanted to apologize… But I was so scared… Scared that you hated me and didn't want to talk to me… I'm sorry… Kotori… I'm so, so sorry— Sorry that I never realized how important you were to me until it was too late… And… that said something so unforgivable… And Kotori… thank you… I'm so glad you told me about your friends… Thank you… For loving a worthless mother like me… all this time... Thank you. And… I'm sorry that I never said anything to you… But I… I always…always wished for you to be happy…even if you hated me… I never stopped caring about you…"
"I know mom…," I mutter, averting my gaze to the floor.
All the sleepless nights you spent, working day in and day out for my sake. You made sure there was always food in the fridge. You made sure I had clothes on my back. You made sure I had a roof over my head. You made sure I always had money for lunch. Even though you were in so much pain. Even though things were so hard for you as a single mother. And even though you didn't have to, you went out of your way to do so many things for an ungrateful daughter like me. And I… I was too blind to see how you really felt because I was so sure that you hated me. When in actuality, you did all those things because you really loved me.
Two awkward people who were afraid to speak their true feelings. Clinging to the pain of the past and unable to take the next step forward. We really are mother and daughter.
"…Kotori… Kotori… Kotori… I… I'm… Waaaaaaaa…."
Tears pour uncontrollably down my mom's face as if a huge weight had been lifted off her consciousness. Her voice becomes hoarse as she tries to speak to me through her insistent sobbing. Seeing her overflowing emotions, I begin to feel my own eyes become watery.
"Don't cry… mom. Otherwise… you're gonna make me cry…" With tears welling up in my eyes, I reach my arms out and tightly embrace her. She hesitates for a second but quickly returns my embrace with twice the affection.
As if to convey all of her feelings toward me. All the feelings she hasn't been able to show me all this time. My mom holds onto me as if I were the most important treasure in the world.
"…I'm sorry… Kotori. My…one and only daughter… I love you so much… And I promise… I'll do whatever it takes to make things up to you… So, please… Please don't hate your mother… I… Waaaaaaaaaah!"
"I… I love you too, mom… And thank you… For finally… finally looking in my direction. All this time… I've wanted you to look at me… And I… *hic* I'm so glad you don't hate me too… I… Waaaaaaaaaaaah!"
The two of us spent the next 20 minutes crying whilst embracing each other. Pouring out the feelings we had held inside for so long. As if to try and make up for years of lost time we told each other about many things. Our struggles, our joys, any and everything that came to mind. For the first time, we were able to finally acknowledge each other, not as two strangers that happen to live in the same house, but as family.
*****
"You're leaving already?" My mom asks, looking at the clock.
"Yeah, I'm meeting up with my friends."
"I see… Will you… tell me more about them later?"
"Of course! There's Kyoko-chan, Fuyuki-kun, and… Yurika-chan."
"Kotori, is it just me, or did your face turn a bit red when you mentioned the last one?" My mom says, peering at me whilst tilting her head quizzically.
"I-It's just your imagination!" I exclaim as I wave my hands in front of me panicked.
"Fufu, is she someone special to you?" My mom inquires, making a mischievous expression.
"…she's…very special to me," I say in a low voice. My face starts to once again feel hot as I recall the events of the previous day. How embarrassing…
"I see. Then don't let her go alright?"
"I won't… No matter what, she's stuck with me." I feel like I was saying that more to myself than I was to my mom.
"Fufu, very good," my mom says, letting out a playful laugh.
"Mmm… don't tease me like that," I pout, puffing out my cheeks.
My mom smiles at my reaction and reaches out her hand to pat my head. Uneasy momentarily cloud her eyes and she hesitates before ultimately opting not to.
"Hm? Ah…" I get up and sit down beside my mom in a seiza position, lowering my head. "Go ahead."
"Eh? K-Kotori?"
"You wanted to pat my head right? It's fine with me, so go ahead."
"W-well if you're ok with it… Then here I go…"
Still a bit hesitant, she slowly reaches out her hand. As she gently places her hand on top of my head and strokes my hair, I start to feel at ease. It's a really nostalgic feeling.
"Come to think of it, you did this a lot back then as well."
"I-I'm sorry… I know I don't have the right to do something like this… I'll stop if you don't like it…," my mom says in a slightly disheartened tone.
"It feels nice. I always loved when you stroked my head."
"I-Is that so…? Then… I'll do it for you whenever you want."
"Ehehe~ That would make me very happy."
My mom's hand suddenly stops moving and she sighs. "You should get going. Your friends might be waiting for you."
"Ah… Yeah, you're right," I say as I stand up stretching. It's was so obvious that we wanted to stay like that I couldn't help but smile to myself. It really does take me back. "Then, I'll see you later. Don't push yourself too hard at work. And try not to drink so much, alright?"
"Uuu… I promise I'll try to stop now…"
"Very good," I nod, satisfied with her answer, "I'll be going now."
I grab my school bag and head for the front door. As I finish putting on my shoes and tying my vest around my waist a voice calls out to me.
"Kotori…"
"Yeah?" I called back.
"Um… Take care."
"Hehe, I'm off, mom."
And with that, for the first time in almost ten years, I cheerily strode out the door thinking, "I can't wait to come back home".
I know I've said this already, but unfortunately life isn't like a fairy tale. One heart-to-heart isn't enough to make all the bad things go away.
She's still a bit awkward. And I'm still a bit hesitant to fully open my heart to her again. There's still a lot of work that has to be done on both ends as well as a lot of time needed to mend the rift that was formed between us.
But because I dared to take that first step... Little by little, I'm sure those pictures of the good times we spent together will regain their shape. Slowly but surely, the rift will close and we'll be able to laugh together again. And every so slightly, the wounds in my heart will heal, and I'll be able to believe in her once again.
I know this might sound a bit selfish, but… Nothing would make me more than to have both my mom and my friends by my side.
******
In the world so vast, I can once again see the array of colors in their entirety. The sky is a vibrant shade of blue. The cherry blossoms, sakura pink. And… the color of my heart, a multitude of shades so bright that I can't describe how blissful I'm feeling. This world is beautiful, now that it's no longer painted in grey.
"Ah!"
As I'm walking, I notice a small black kitten frantically looking around for something.
"Sooooo cuteeee! Here kitty kitty. C'mere kitty-chan," I call out to the cat, unable to hide my excitement.
I've always loved cats ever since I was a kid. For some reason, I just get along really well with them. Not to mention they're just so freaking cute! Funnily enough, I've never seen Yurika-chan more vocal than when she's gushing over cats. I totally get you Yurika-chan, I really do.
"Meow?" The cat tilts its head before making its way over toward me.
As the cat is walking towards me, I bend down and hold out my hand.
Here's some trivia: Apparently cats communicate through smell which is why they always try to sniff your fingers before you pet them. How's that for your Kotori Katapedia? Pretty insightful if I do say so myself.
The cat sniffs my hand for a few moments before nuzzling its face against my hand whilst making an adorable purring sound.
"Wah! Aren't you just the cutest kitty!"
"Mrow!"
"Oh? You wanna shake hands? Awwww, you're such a good kitty, aren't you? Aren't you? Ehehe~"
"Prrrup…" The small cat jumps into my arms and starts to tremble a bit.
"Hmm? What's wrong, Kitty-chan?"
Shortly after, I notice a bigger cat that looks exactly like the one in my arms approaching me.
"Could this be your mom?" I ask, looking at the small kitty curled up against my chest.
The big cat starts to meow loudly at the smaller kitty, completely ignoring me entirely. The small cat hisses back in retaliation before nuzzling back into my chest.
I silently watch the exchange between the two cats, alternating my gaze between the two of them as they meow at one another.
After a few more exchanges the momma cat makes a very saddened face before turning around to walk away.
"W-wait!" I call out to the momma cat. "Hold on for a second Momma kitty!"
The momma cat turns around, still wearing a saddened expression. She sits still with her head down seemingly having understood what I said. Could I perhaps be the cat whisperer?!
I look down toward the small kitty who's now looking up at me with a confused expression.
"You shouldn't fight with your mom, Kitty-chan. If you guys got into a fight then you should apologize and make up, alright? After all, she's the only mom you'll ever get."
I don't know whether Kitty-chan understood what I said or not, but after I set her down she slowly walked back toward her mom. The momma cat meows loudly at the smaller kitty causing Kitty-chan to shrivel up. But after she finished Momma kitty started to nuzzle against Kitty-chan affectionately and the two of them started to play together for a bit before running off.
"Hehe~ See you later, Kitty-chan, Momma kitty."
******
Can people really change?
For someone like me, that's a very difficult question to answer. If you asked me a few days ago, I would've told you it's too hard for people to change.
I wanted friends, but I didn't open my heart. I wanted someone to look at me, but I never tried to look at them. I wanted to be happy, but I wasn't willing to fight for it myself.
Up until yesterday, I was stagnant, never moving, an immutable object that refused to deter from the path that I had believed to be the only one I could walk.
So yes, it is hard for people to change. You have to not only have the desire to change but the courage to turn that desire into a reality. However… Who's to say that you have to do everything alone?
No, in actuality——
"Ah! Kotori-chan! Over here!"
"Jeez, yer late Kotori! Hurry yer butt up!"
"Y-Yo…"
——Sometimes all you need is a little push from someone to take the next step forward. And once you've crossed that starting line, all of a sudden, that reality doesn't seem so far-fetched anymore.
"Good morning, Kyoko-chan, Yurika-chan, Fuyuki-kun!"
"Good morn— Kyaaaa! Kotori your new hairstyle is soooo cute omg!"
"Ehehe, do you really think so?"
"Definitely! Short hair looks great on you~ Although, I'm a bit sad we don't have matching twin tails anymore."
"What do you guys think?"
"O-oh…well, I think it suits you."
"Thanks, Fuyuki-kun!"
"What about you, Yurika-chan…?"
"It's not bad I guess."
"…"
"H-hey don't make that face… it's nice, real nice."
"…"
"Nnnnh…."
"…"
" ALRIGHT! I THINK YOU LOOK REALLY FREAKIN' CUTE ALRIGHT!?"
"Heh-heh~ Thankies, Yurika-chan."
"Dummy… I'll get you back for this…"
"C'mon guys, let's hurry up or we'll be late."
"Ah, wait up Fuyuki-kun."
"Hm? What's up?"
"Here, you can have this back."
"Hm? Ah, my handkerchief. Then, does that mean…?"
"Yup! I don't need it anymore."
"I see… I'm glad..."
That's right from now on… With the three of them by my side, I have nothing left to fear. I can keep facing forward and walk down a new path. A path that's surely filled with happiness and good times to come.
"Hey, guys…" I call out to them, halting my steps.
"Hm?" The three of them turn toward me in unison with curious expressions.
It's all thanks to them that I'm even here right now. I owe them more than I could ever hope to repay. And so, I have to tell them this no matter what.
Taking a deep breath in and out, I look at each of them in turn before flashing the biggest smile I can manage. "Thank you for everything. I like, totes love you guys!"