Gradually, I built up a thick wall around me, within which I kept my dark emotions and thoughts enclosed and didn't let anyone's wishes, concerns, advice, love, and kindness trespass it.
At that time, I thought I would be able to escape from whatever I was trying to run from, but instead of calming me down, those bottled-up thoughts and feelings made me increasingly restless.
Over time, it degraded me, mentally, physically, and emotionally. It went on to such an extent that everyone, including my reserved and distant brother, tried to visit me.
It did put a fleeting smile on my face when I imagined him trying to comfort me but it quickly faded away when the distorted faces that were accompanying me started blaming me again, telling me that I didn't deserve it.
Two weeks passed like that but for me, it was just a long long nightmare that didn't end. I also started throwing up the food I ate occasionally.
My eyes, face, and throat would also hurt at times.
In the shadows, I lived, and a shadow I was.
One day, when my father couldn't bear it anymore, he broke the door to that guest room. My mother was concerned about how it would affect me, but it didn't stop him from lashing out.
BANG!!
The door came crashing within my room. I was afraid, like a threatened cat. Perhaps, it was my state in those two weeks, or perhaps my wary gaze when he broke the door, but somehow, I had managed to trigger my father's fury.
"HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO CONTINUE LIKE THIS? I DIDN'T RAISE A CRYBABY. DON'T YOU HAVE THE GUTS TO OWN UP TO YOUR MISTAKES? DON'T YOU WANT TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT? WAKE UP!!"
In the loudest and most threatening voice, he said the random words that came to his mouth with the kindest intentions and… left.
He didn't come to my room after that, but my door… was broken.
I still think about his voice and expression at times, how timely that was, and how it managed to pull me out of the darkest abyss.
Like an arrow, his words pierced my heart but at that time, that was exactly what I needed.
I needed that spark, that glimmer of light in the absolute darkness. My mother didn't bring me dinner that night, perhaps that was also something my father told her to do.
At night, I opened the backdoor to our small backyard again and felt a cold gust of wind blowing at my face, after which a long period of stillness reigned.
That night, I finally let my tears flow out again. It was much more healing and relieving than I had expected. Loudly, I kept apologizing to Sister Hin, while tears kept pouring out. My throat felt blocked but my heart was a little lighter.
It was as if I was storing my tears every day and with that kick from my father, that dam broke.
I don't remember what time it was when I finally decided to move out of that room. I rolled up my mattress and placed it in that very familiar corner. Then, I walked out of the room, wiping the remaining tears out of my eyes.
Step by step, I walked towards the living room, where our family used to dine together. I was overthinking everything again, but that habit was now stuck for a long long time.
It was fine as well, as long as it wasn't just those negative and distorted thoughts.
Opening the door to my living room, I saw a scene that broke me into tears again, but these tears were very different. They might have tasted sweet but I wiped them off out of habit.
Everything was similar, the tables, the chairs, the arrangement of things, the whole family was there other than me, but on the long rectangular table, there was a white and pink cake.
Father, who had just kicked my door open, mother, who stood up upon seeing me, Chloe, who was about to jump at me, and my elder brother, Rowan, trying his best to let out a stiff smile, all of them were there.
The melted candle wax on the table told me that they were waiting like that with the candles for half an hour at least, waiting for me to turn up.