Just as the guilt was about to strike me again, and the harrowing inner voice was about to tell me that I don't deserve to love people, that I don't deserve even a glimmer of happiness, I shut it up forcefully and looked at the smiling faces of my family again.
Then, it suddenly struck me, it was my 12th birthday. I had completely forgotten about it, and most of the day was already passed. Moreover, celebrating the birthday with a cake was something only the elites of capital cities had begun to fancy. Naturally, since it was a thing for the elite class, the price was also set for the rich.
Everyone else just liked to celebrate their birthday by sharing food and spending time with their loved ones.
Seeing as there was no food on the table, it either 'shared' or donated already, as was culturally relevant, or… it was never there, to begin with.
I tried to speak, but no words came out of my mouth, and when they did, they felt very hoarse and unfamiliar, as if I was hearing someone else speak,
"...I'm sorry, everyone."
My mother was about to speak some comforting words but before she could, little Chloe had already jumped into my arms.
Ignoring the presence of everyone else, the two of us sisters hugged each other like that with tears in our eyes for quite some time.
My father coughed to interrupt our moment and invited me to cut the cake. I sliced it into 4 equal pieces and gave each of them one.
Instead of eating their own, they gave a couple of bites out of their cake to me. No one spoke of anything, words were not needed.
The voices were inaudible for the moment. I don't remember much of it either, but that silence was special, very special. When we were done, Rowan came to me and patted my head, which made me stiffly smile again. Before Chloe was about to be chased out by mom, I asked her if I could sleep in her room. That room actually belonged to the two of us but ever since that incident, I had been staying in the guest room. Therefore, I figured it would be good to ask for her advice before I came back. In retrospect, it was nothing but a consequence of my being alone with my gloomy thoughts for so long. They filled me up with a sense of gloom that pervaded my body and made me act like a stranger to my own family.
She bobbed her head cutely and ran off after telling me that she would be waiting for me. It made me realize how unnecessary it was for me to be having such thoughts.
Mother went to wash dishes, and only father and I were left at the dinner table after that. I looked at him with gratitude and thanked him in a whisper.
He smiled and patted my head as well.
Usually, the only conversation I had with him was answering his questions and interrupting him when he told his stories and anecdotes at the dinner table.
When we were alone like this, I just didn't know how or what to talk to him.
There was one thing that I desperately wanted to ask him but I didn't know how to bring it up out of nowhere.
Thankfully, he began with the small talk first, as usual, with his questions about my daily life and well-being.
Most of the answers I gave were either a nod or a shake of my head or one-word answers. He looked satisfied with that, though.
When the conversation was about to die again, I finally brought up the topic I was afraid to ask mom, because she had seen me faint the last time I did,
"Erm, h-how's 'she'?"
Of course, both of us knew who I was referring to. He didn't say anything but only lightly shook his head.
The minutest hope that had just begun to sprout within me died again, but this time I didn't let myself get overwhelmed and asked back,
"Dad, you said it didn't matter what I did, as long as I knew how to make it right? How do I do that?"
He did say that to me, and not just a single time, but I only remembered it because it was related to what he screamed at me when he broke the door.
He looked a little dumbfounded at being asked that suddenly and opened his mouth blankly.
I was being utterly serious when I had asked him that but seeing his reaction made me want to laugh. In the end, I could only cough furiously when I tried to do so.