One cut. Another cut. Another one. And another. Last one. One mor—"Athena we're going to be late, let's go now!"
"Yeah I'm coming, one second Eli!"
Quickly, I wrap up the fresh cuts with a bandage and I pull my sleeves down and run out the door - slamming it behind me. Elias, my older brother, is already waiting for me in the car.
"Thena aren't you hot in that hoodie, it's like 30 degrees outside?"
"No I'm okay." I say to him hoping he doesn't suspect anything. I've been cutting for about two months now and I don't want Eli to know and think it's his fault since he already does so much for me.
I turn and face the passing trees hoping he doesn't start a conversation even though he's been realising something's wrong with me for these past few weeks. I haven't been talking or laughing as much and I usually just stay in my room listening to music.
He's tried to ask me what's wrong but I keep telling him I'm fine because I don't want to worry him or burden him considering that he's already got a lot on his shoulders. I wish I could help him but he's told me to focus on school and to not get a job.
We live alone together the two of us since our parents kicked us out when Eli turned 18. It was hard for him - finding a flat with a low rent while studying and taking a part time job and taking care of me. I love him so much and I wish I told him that everyday.
I was raped about 4 months ago and I didn't want to tell anyone especially Eli so I resulted to other coping methods.
Flashback———————————————————
I was walking home and it wasn't that late only around 5 but because it was winter it was dark outside.
I had stayed at school for two hours extra just to finish some work and I was just returning home and the streets were empty.
These drunk old men pulled up beside me and started saying that I had a nice ass and started to get a bit touchy.
I brushed it off and told them nicely to let me go when the three tall men jumped out the car and cornered me.
Next thing I knew was that one was holding me down and the others were ripping my clothes - or dignity rather - to shreds. They all took their turns violating me while I fought back as hard as I could to get them to end this torture.
But they didn't stop - no matter how much I screamed or begged.
This lasted for what felt like hours. Finally they picked up themselves, got in the car and drove off but not before saying that I was a good fuck.
I picked up what was left of my clothes and walked home. Luckily, my brother wasn't home so I went upstairs and just sat in front of the mirror staring at the green eyes girl.
I was ruined. Tainted. My innocence was gone.
I tried to forget them and their hands all over my body but I couldn't until I first cut myself. It didn't give me much but it was enough to stop the images and voices in my head.
That second of pain was enough peace.
So I started cutting deeper and deeper so I could focus on the pain and nothing else.
It helped I think.
————————————————————————
"Athena, are you okay? I've been calling for you for a few minutes now and you've just been lost in your thoughts. You know you can talk to me right? I'm your brother, I love you."
"Sorry Eli I'm just a bit tired, but yeah I'm fine. Thanks for driving me."
'I love you too' I want to say.
'I'm not your little sister anymore, I'm ruined you can't love me' I want to say but I don't.
Instead I take one look at his worried face before I get out, shut the door and walk towards school.