[ Saturday, February 3 ]
I put on the final hair clip on the upper right side of my hair and smoothened my sparkling chiffon gown with pale pink roses as its design. Today is Amethyst's wedding. Amethyst and Vaughn's wedding. Truth is, I don't know what to feel about this event. I must've been like Summer whose favorite is the dressing up part, for she knows that she really stands out whenever she wears gowns.
Well, indeed she does. Not that I'm insecure, but I'm often in awe whenever I see her walk confidently during events. She's always the girl who stands out in the room – she carries herself with full confidence as if not concerned about whoever is around. Her shoulders are straightened, her chin up. Her walk and gestures are graceful. Knowing all these, I can't help but compare myself.
I'll be honest. I'm insecure.
I can't help it. My sisters are all looking perfect and I can't see anything wrong with them. I do know some of their bad sides, but in public appearances, they both know how to handle themselves, which is the complete opposite of me. It doesn't make me feel like I'm one of them since I can't show any hint of confidence whenever I walk and I end up isolating myself somewhere in the room during formal events and having the wine or cocktail as my company.
Drinking. Getting wasted. Flinging.
That was the old me. But now that I've seen the light and I finally came to my senses, I realized how lost I was. How shattered I was. That the things that I thought were making happy were all foolish and I did all of those because I was shattered in thousands of pieces, and I was trying to make myself whole by seeking pleasures for my flesh instead of looking for the meaning of life.
My phone on the top of my bedside table vibrated as it turns alone, ringing, and the screen flashes on and off. I picked it up to see who's calling and it was my biological mother, Mina.
"Hello?"
A low voice of a man answered on the other side of the line, sending shivers to my spine. "I'm sorry to interrupt you with what you're doing, ma'am. But your mother is in the hospital, fighting for her life. She's in the ICU and her situation is critical."
I felt the rush of blood in my veins, my heart pounding and I can't feel my legs, as if frozen on the floor where I'm standing on. "Since … since when? W-What hospital?"
"Greizenne medical center. She was here since last night. As I've heard, she wasn't taking any treatments for her leukemia which made things fatal. Her body is giving up."
I hurriedly went downstairs, my hands lifting the sides of my gown to avoid slipping. Running in high heels felt like I'm prone to slip, but the pressure inside me simply can't take it. If I'll keep on doing something else, I might not arrive there to see her alive. As I reached for my car and entered, I switched on the engine and changed the gear from Park to Drive. I stepped on the gas for the car to accelerate and turned the steering wheel to leave the house.
The street where our villa is located is clear, however, when I reached the gates of the subdivision, I saw the group of cars in one line, hardly moving – not even an inch and are on full stop.
Tears started rolling down my cheeks, making my vision blurry. I took the handkerchief from my bag placed on the passenger's seat, however, they won't stop coming. My eyes were like a broken faucet that won't stop from pouring out water. My breathing felt heavy, and I beat my chest with my right hand, hoping that it'll help me to calm down.
No luck.
There has to be another way to avoid this traffic. I don't know what I'll do if I won't arrive on time. I would feel guiltier than I've ever been in my life. There's this saying where people come and go. Life is short. Now there's me, who wasted too much time. When I got the chance to spend more time with her, I chose to keep my pride and anger towards her instead of forgiving and make time.
Perhaps if I only knew at first how bad her situation was and that she's not taking any medications, maybe we could've enjoyed life better.
Maybe she could've taught me a lot of things.
Maybe she told me stories about what I was like when she was pregnant of me.
Maybe she could've guided me as a real mother.
But those are only maybes. It can be too late.
An hour and 15 minutes later, I arrived at the hospital, running to the nurse's desk. Other people – patients, guests, nurses, and doctors – are all looking at me from head to toe, with that weird look on their face as if I came from a different planet. I can't blame them, for my attire is supposed to be for Amethyst's wedding.
Not that I still care about their judgment.
"Can I know where Mina Furukawa is?" I panted as I leaned my arms on their desk, catching my breath for air that I've been longing to have for a while now.
The nurse browsed her computer to search for mom's name.
"She's in the ICU, 3rd floor." Without any other word, I hurriedly ran to the elevators which are all closed – I pressed the button of the three elevators, waiting for one of those to open and whichever opens first, I'll use.
I went out of the elevator as it opened to the 3rd floor. I looked around, hoping to find the room I was told to go to. The hallways are surprisingly empty, which makes me remember the horror movies filmed in hospitals.
A doctor with a face mask went out of a room, his hands inserted in his white robe. He fixed his eyes on me as our eyes met and I have a strong feeling that he's the one I've been looking for.
"Excuse me, is that room where you left … is that Mina Furukawa's room?"
"Yes," the doctor answered soon after I asked. "Don't worry, she's better. I can't say how long she's going to live, but even if she's better, I suggest that she should spend most of her time with the people she values. Are you her relative?"
"I'm her daughter," I nodded awkwardly.
"I see. Anyways, I should be leaving now. Take good care of her."
My phone rang from my purse and I decided to sit down for a while to check for updates. The phone call is from dad, which I kind of have an idea what his call is all about.
"Hello?"
"Sasha, where on earth are you? Aren't you supposed to be here at Amethyst's wedding?" he asked, slightly raising his voice. "Or up until now, you're bitter about all these? Haven't you moved on from Vaughn?"
"Of course I have," I'm not sure if I'm lying, because I reached the point where I can no longer understand myself. I can tell that perhaps, at some point I have, but not completely. How foolish of me to say this. I'm no longer interested in stealing Vaughn away because I already know the right thing and that is letting go of the things that I can't have. But what I'm sure of is, I haven't completely moved on from them who lied to me all these years. There are three stages of forgiveness, and I'm still in the forgiving stage. God forgives sinners, therefore I know I should forgive too. I certainly will, I just need a little more time to process things.
"My mother is in the hospital and was in a critical condition so I had to go here as soon as I could. Although I'll try to go there perhaps in an hour or two. I just need to check her and when I'm already sure that she's okay, I'll head there."
Dad didn't bother to say anything else aside from 'okay.' I was hoping that he'll ask more, but I guess I can't blame him for being too busy. After all, it's Amethyst's wedding.
As dad hung up, I reached for Keith to inform him about everything because as far as I know, he's the only real friend I have left. I'm truly grateful to have him because even if I'm basically a crazy and depressed girl, he managed to understand me because he knows how it's like to be rejected as a son. Whenever I see him, I still can't imagine how he's coping with life, knowing that his parents left him all alone.
Me: Keith?
Keith: Yeah?
Me: So, my mother's in the hospital. Well, I don't know, just saying.
Keith: Let me translate that. It means that you want someone to talk with and that's … I suppose, me.
Me: Stop translating my feelings! 😂
Keith: I'll take that as a yes, then.
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Instead of entering inside my mother's room to check on her, I decided to wait for Keith. At some point, I got relieved when the doctor said that she's already fine, but I should spend time with her as much as I can, which I will. For some reason, I kind of excited about it. I still don't know about the things that we should do together, but I sure will come up with an idea sooner. Perhaps I can get ideas when I browse the internet.
15 minutes later, a familiar figure in a royal blue shirt and jeans went out of the elevator. My mood lifted up as I see Keith. Knowing that I had issues everywhere, Keith's the only friend that I have left, that's why I value him too much and I can't be more grateful to have him as my friend. Keith is an introvert himself, but I feel bad with the fact that he hardly socializes, knowing how
depressed he is. He's not admitting it, but it's easy to tell. After all, I'm going through the same thing, but the difference is, I'm healing. The last time he opened up, he mentioned that his parents are in different countries. One is in the Netherlands, the other is in Australia and so are his siblings.
Their family is literally separated. As for him, he lives alone here in the Philippines, deciding which country should go. For him, he'd rather finish his studies first, but what I admire about him is, he mentioned that he's not giving up on them. He wants his family to be united again. That alone is a brave and inspiring move. I'm impressed with how strong he is, handling everything on his own.
"What are you looking at?" Keith asked, his eyes narrow. "No offense, but you don't seem like you're in your sense of self. Is there something that matters?"
I shook my head, avoiding his gaze as I get back to my senses. "Sorry, I was a bit carried away. I was thinking of something."
"If I were you, all I'll think about is my mother because she's confined. What's that 'something' that seems to be bothering you?"
I looked up to him and as our eyes met, my mind is giving me two options. Should I lie about the truth that I'm thinking about his life story or I should say that I'm thinking about mom?
"Well, honestly … ever since I contacted you today, I've been thinking about you." I bit my tongue, thinking if what I said was appropriate.
Keith portrayed a facial expression that I couldn't read. It makes me wonder about what he felt about what I said. Was it a taboo? Something worth discussing or I shouldn't have brought it up?
"What about me?" he asked, patiently waiting for my answer. I can tell that he's becoming suspicious. If it was so, I don't want him to get the wrong idea.
"I thought about your life story. I mean, your current family status, about your studies and all that."
"Ah," he responded as if relieved as the pressure between us a few minutes ago fades. "I made up my mind, you see. I mentioned that I'm not giving them up. My plan is, when I graduate a few years from now, I'll demand both of them to attend my graduation. That's where I'll convince the two of them to fix everything." Keith chuckled and shook his head. "I can't believe you can even think about those things. You're strange."
"We're friends, so I'm just trying to be a good one by making sure that everything's going fine with you."
"I won't tolerate stupidity, which is their separation. Saving this family is for the right thing to do. I'm their son, and I still care."
"I admire how brave you are. I can't imagine how I'll even survive if I were in your situation." I sighed as the thought of my family issues crossed my mind.
"I know what you're going through too. Let me tell you this: it's all in the mind and attitude. If you'll keep on listening to your heart all the time, it'll deceive you. If you'll use your head and think about the solutions instead, you can do better. After all, Sasha," his eyes communicate sadness as the corners of his lips rose into a small smile. "Pain changes people and makes them stronger."