[ Thursday, February 22 ]
Amethyst has been staying in our house since Vaughn died. Shawn and I, together with our kids are trying to cheer her up, but she keeps on rejecting the idea. She can't go home because whenever she's there, she remembers Vaughn for she can imagine him everywhere. I want to believe that she's not going insane because of a loss, but I can't blame her for acting like this.
"Shawn, the island kids are still in your parents' house, isn't it?" I asked my husband who's reading a book while sitting in the living room's sofa, with a coffee placed on the small glass table next to him.
"Huh? Yeah, they still are, obviously. You might consider calling them teens since they're grownups now. Why, though?" He responded as he lifts the cup of coffee on his lips.
"Right, of course," I sighed. "Your mother wants to see our kids so, I'm thinking of bringing them there. I was thinking of you doing it on my behalf since you've been reading that book for like, two hours now. Sorry for the interruption, but Amethyst didn't eat either lunch or breakfast today so I want to check on her."
"You're worried," Shawn commented, putting down the book on the table. He stood up and walked to my direction, and as he walked closer, for some reason, time felt slower. Why am I like this?
I stared up to him as his hand found my cheek, his thumb gently stroking the soft skin under my eye. "I understand why you're worried, but you really should stop overthinking. Amethyst is a strong woman; she won't do anything stupid. Not that I'm saying that you shouldn't care about her. I'm just saying that you shouldn't overthink. It's normal for people to mourn when their loved one dies. What you can do is to give her something to eat and listen to what she has to say. After all, when a person expresses their heart's content through words, it'll help them better to lessen the burden in them. Therefore, I suggest that you bring her something to eat and listen to her. Give her the assurance that she's not alone in this. Comfort her, but stop overthinking. Otherwise, you'll ruin your own self."
"Summer, can I –" Shawn's eyes widened as if in shock and he put his hand down, letting go of my cheek. I can still feel the warmth of his hand on my cheek, and I turned back to see what made him have that reaction.
It was Amethyst whose hand is frozen, covering her mouth. Her eyes are widened like Shawn's, speechless.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt the two of you. I must leave," Amethyst's cheeks flushed a bit red, embarrassed that she 'ruined' our moment. Dang, this is so awkward, I can't even find the right words.
"No, no. You're not interrupting. I was just … calming her down. Nothing to worry about." Shawn scratched his head and turned back as if to hide his embarrassed facial expression which I managed to take a glance of.
"I … I thought I was ruining something good. Well, if you say so. I was just about to ask you to come with me, Summer. Upstairs. I'll tell you why later."
"Yeah, sure. Of course. I'll follow. Just give me a minute or two. Actually, give me five. No. Last bargain. Give me ten." I squeezed my eyes shut since I cannot think straight after the awkward moment that happened.
Around ten minutes later, I went upstairs and entered the guest room where she's in, right after I kissed my kids goodbye as they leave the house and brought some snacks for Amethyst – a cinnamon roll, a slice of a blueberry cheesecake, three pieces of donuts, a pack of cookies and an orange juice for Amethyst and a glass of milk for Candace. Snacks. At least for now, since I can sense that she wants me to follow her immediately and I can't prepare some decent food in a short period of time.
She opened the door as I knocked and I entered, where Candace is sleeping peacefully like an angel, and Amethyst's laptop turned on, placed on the bedroom's low glass table. She sat down, facing the laptop and I placed the tray of foods down next to her laptop. She patted the space next to her, a sign that she wants me to sit next to her.
"So, what's up?" I sat down next to her, my legs crossed like an Indian sit.
"My mother-in-law gave this to me," she pointed the flash drive inserted on her laptop. "She said that Vaughn gave this to her and asked her to give it to me when he's gone. I kinda have a bad feeling about this, so I need someone next to me just in case."
I can be wrong, but I'm having an idea about its content. I don't know if I'd like to be right, but I don't seem to feel that I want to be wrong either.
Amethyst moved her fingers on the mousepad as she clicked on the flash drive that has a name, "TO MY BELOVED."
Now that I know the title, I'm more than sure that I'm right.
As she clicked it open, there are two folders on display: the folder named 'To Amethyst' and the folder named 'To Candace.' Outside the two folders, there's a notepad file that has a title, 'Before anything else.'
She opened the notepad.
/////
'By the time that you're reading this, Amethyst, I'm probably gone. No. Not just probably, but gone. I'm no longer with you, for I'm in the hands of God. However, setting that fact aside, I want to ask you a favor. Can you keep this USB until Candace turns 10? Or perhaps, 18, where she can see me greeting her a happy birthday. As for the contents of the folders, it's not much, but I hope that you can consider this as a gift from me.'
/////
I knew it. It'll be something like this.
With a blank but calm facial expression on Amethyst's face, she opened the folder that includes another three folders – 'Videos,' 'Photos,' and 'Poems and Songs.'
Those three folders sent shivers in my spine. She hasn't opened anything yet, but now that I'm getting the bigger picture, I can't help but feel like my heart is sinking. Amethyst's hand was shaking, perhaps cold too. She slowly viewed the folder, 'Poems and Songs' that revealed 70 files. 35 of those are recordings, and 35 of those are photos of poems that was screenshotted from, I suppose, a Word document. Amethyst viewed a poem called, 'the next time I see you,' her eyes focused on the screen, reading the poem from beginning to its end.
"Hey, isn't that your favorite song composed by him?"
"Yes, but … this isn't it. This is a different version. Vaughn recorded the old version of it here, but the written one is different. This is … a sad version of it.
That song was originally about what he felt when he confessed to me and ran away."
"Let me read this version."
/////
A river of tears shed from her eyes
I want to lift her sorrows
Whenever she's alone
I picture her crying as she reminisces
all the damages that I've done
The next time I see you,
I'll secure you in my arms
Never let go of you
But our love is like a wind
That slipped through my fingers
I still remember the day
When we both promised to stay
Now it's just a warm memory
/////
A painful lump formed in my throat. "This is …" I can't find the right words to express how heart-shattering this can be. I'm not Vaughn's wife, but if someone I love will tell me this, I sure will feel shocked, vexed, confused, and so much more all in one moment. I believe Vaughn chose the less-painful words, but if he'll be too honest and let himself get carried away by his emotions, he could've written it worse.
Amethyst heaved a breath and averted her eyes as if stopping herself from showing her real emotions towards what we've read. If we'll keep on doing this – reading and listening to Vaughn's songs and poems – chances are my sister would do nothing else but breakdown. She may be a strong woman, but I know her limits.
With tired and lifeless eyes and a fake, calm facial expression, Amethyst opened the other folder instead of reading the poems and listen to Vaughn's poems. She clicked on the other folders. The 'videos' that Vaughn made are the compilation of some of their photos together and the other one is a video of Vaughn playing the first version of Amethyst's favorite song written by Vaughn, which is 'the next time I see you.'
"I-I can't … view all these photos and videos right now. My … heart aches," Amethyst stuttered as she put her hand on her chest where her heart is. "I'm tired of crying over the same matter. I have nothing left to cry."
"It's not bad to mourn. You lost someone and it'll be best to cry if it helps because suppressing your feelings would make you suffer even more later on."
She ignored my words and looked at her laptop again.
Liar.
She just said that she can't view it, but she still did. She played the video, and it began with a small text below the black screen, 'Video by Shawn Barron.' Shawn was the one who took this video? How can I not know about this?
The black screen faded. As the video goes on, Vaughn played Amethyst's most favorite piece. She didn't show any emotion as she watched him play it using the grand piano.
As Vaughn pressed the last keys when the song reached its end, he slowly looked at the direction where the camera was placed. He showed an exhausted and sad smile, his eyes full of hope.
"First of all," Vaughn paused as if to think what his next words should be. "I know we're all over this but, Amethyst, I'm sorry again if I broke your heart years ago. It's been years, yet those darkest days of my life are still fresh in my memory. In each day that passed when you ran away, I remember your very expression – how your tears fell from your eyes, how pained you were when you saw Sasha and I and all that. It would've perhaps killed me if I saw how you lost your sense of self when you were driving while crying where your car fell into the river," Vaugh smiled, looked down and faced the camera again.
"Next time, don't drive when you're full of anger and tears, you hear me? I want you to take care of yourself because I can no longer be by your side. Although if in case you cry again, I'm hoping that I won't be the reason. I'm not the best husband in the world, but I want to take care of you. Savor each joyful moments and handle problems together. After all, life has its ups and downs. I wanted to celebrate more birthdays with you. Christmases, New year's eve and everything else. However, it's not about the event, but the person you're with. Amethyst, you're my greatest joy. When you cry, my heart aches. When you smile, my heart stirs. I can't thank God enough for having you as a part of my life. You truly are a blessing from God. I want to thank you for giving me a second chance, forgiving me and the fact that you were still willing to marry me after everything that I've done. Now I see the sense why they said, 'love conquers all.' They said that the cause of this cancer called Chordoma is unknown. Up to this day, I kept on wondering why did I ever deserved this and all that. It's like I have to keep on replaying those words in my head in order to believe them. But even though I experienced a lot of pain, seeing you taking care of me filled my heart with joy and made me strong. I didn't make it, but even so, I am not angry with God. In fact, I am grateful. Because in my days of suffering, the people I love were there beside me. Those alone are enough to ease the pain. I must've felt a lot of physical pain, but my heart had been filled with joy which lessened the physical pain."
He sighed and averted his eyes with a smile as if to hold himself back from crying. After around a minute of pure silence, Vaughn faced the camera once again, bracing himself to hold himself back to into tears before continuing his message.
"My dearest Amethyst, I love you, more than anything else in this world. I'm thankful too, that I received salvation from Christ, which gave me the assurance that when I die, I'll be in heaven where the pains no longer exist. I don't know what exactly heaven is like, but the next time I see you, it'll be the days where there's nothing else but pure joy. I want you to take care of yourself always and be the best version of yourself, especially now that you're a mother. I can't find the right words when I first heard Candace cried when she was born. That moment, I already knew that she'll grow up as a strong and beautiful woman like you. Raise her to be like that, give her the love that she'll need, especially with my absence. Inspire her and teach her how to deal with life and living according to God's word. Because above anything else, it's the only thing that matters," I don't expect Vaughn's words to have much weight, but I'm dead wrong.
I'm going to say it thousand times only if I can – that this is a dream come true, and thank you for being a part of that dream. For making me believe that something that I never thought that would happen. Now, it's all before my eyes, right in front of me – You. I love you, Amethyst Alcantara."
///// THE END /////