----- 7 years later -----
[ Thursday, February 8 ]
The soft sound of a child's breathing sings sweetly in my ears, coming from Candace who's in a deep sleep, her head resting on my right shoulder, her arms wrapped around my neck. I caressed her back as I stare at the coffin few meters away from where I'm seating. Tears poured out from my eyes, rolling down my warm cheeks.
I still can't believe that this is going to happen. I had hopes that we'll be together as one family for at least 10 years, but none of those happened.
Someone tell me that this isn't real.
Someone wake me up from this nightmare.
"Miss Amethyst, it's dinner time. Everyone's waiting for you," Yuna invited, her smile forced as if controlling herself from making me feel worse with my situation, communicating sympathy in her eyes.
"Tell them that I'll eat later. I'm not really hungry. I just … want to be alone for now." I replied, my voice weak.
"But you haven't eaten anything since morning."
"I'll eat later, I promise."
Yuna nodded and left me alone in the funeral room. Yuna has grown. I remember those days when she was one of the kids in the island who was taken care by Shawn. It's been eight years since I hid in that island, under Shawn's care like the rest of the kids who were orphans. Now, all those kids were brought here in the city, studied and are now grownups. It feels good to see their happy faces, and I can see the gratefulness in their eyes because Shawn's family sponsored everything for them.
Shawn and Summer got married four years ago and are blessed with twins, named Sandara and Joseph. I can't help but see how beautiful and happy they are because I can't see anything upsetting about them.
Sasha is not far from finishing her studies in the law school, together with Keith who remained as her best friend. It's kind of surprising that they never end up having feelings for each other. Of course, I don't know what they really feel because I can't read their hearts and minds, but perhaps, they're both focusing on their studies for now. I can't tell at all.
And then there's me, who gave birth two years ago, was married for seven years, and now …
Vaugh left.
The very truth that Vaughn is already in the Lord's hands still breaks my heart again and again. It feels like I've been too broken, to the point where there's nothing left. All I can do is to cry, cry, cry until my eyes get swollen and puffy. I'm not mad at God, but I keep on asking why. Those seven years felt like it's only been a year. Vaughn was fighting for his cancer and that was understandable. He had several operations and all that, but I still find it hard to accept everything. Thing is, I know how come all of these things happened, yet, I keep on asking why. The worst part? Our daughter, Candace, will grow without meeting his father.
Will grow without a father.
That thought alone keeps me worrying for her future. Years ago, Vaughn once asked if I'm even willing to marry a dying man like him, and I didn't answer anything else but yes, without any single doubt. I wanted to be beside him, taking care of him, helping him to be stronger for whatever reason. I wanted to be the best wife I can be. But those things cannot happen anymore. It ended. It all ended here, right now, right before my eyes. I still can't believe it and I hate myself that I kept on saying this.
I stood up and walked towards Vaughn's casket. My legs felt weak, yet for some reason, Candace makes me strong without her knowing. As I finally reached his casket, Vaughn was resting below the glass, surrounded by soft sheets of white fabric and a pillow. He's pale, and exhaustion is obvious in his facial expression. Exhaustion from all the medical treatments and pain and sadness from his cancer itself.
As much as I hate to admit it, but I think, at some point, I should be thankful that he's in a better place now where there's no more pain and suffering. His painful days are over, he's now in heaven.
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[ Saturday, February 17 ]
Sasha's eyes are fixed on Vaughn's casket laid above the metal supporting the casket, with the burial hole beneath it. She wears an expression that I couldn't read – a blank facial expression which neither communicates pain, sadness, apathy or anything else. It's been years since the issue between the three of us happened and I believe that she already moved on from everything. With the burning desire to ask, I decided to sit next to her. Each step feels heavy as if part of me is saying that I shouldn't be doing this because it doesn't matter. I'm doing it anyway to give peace to my mind.
"Hey," I began, forcing a smile.
Sasha met my gaze, showing no expression at all like earlier. "Yeah?"
"How are you feeling?"
Sasha sighed as she averted her eyes and looked at the casket once again.
"To be really honest, I feel bad for the two of you," behind her calm voice, I could sense the loneliness that occupied her heart, as well as guilt, judging on its sound. She pressed her lips together, holding back from expressing more emotions. However, tears started rolling down her cheeks.
"It was just a short time. You two could've been together for a longer time, especially because Candace deserves to grow up with a father. I can't help but imagine how it's like to grow up without a father. There'll always be this feeling where something's lacking. You know my story. I grew up in this family, but after knowing the truth – that they're not my biological parents, I felt like something's missing when I met my real mother because I don't even know who my father is. Now, another person will experience it. But setting aside that tragic story, I feel sad because, at some point, I valued Vaughn. Of course, I already moved on from those old feelings, but he's still a part of the family. But what pains me most is the fact that Candace hardly experienced being with her father. I see myself in her shoes. She may not feel that now, but later on."
That fact started sinking into me. It's true, Candace will grow up without a father. The very idea makes me feel like my heart shatters until there's nothing left. I can't even feel anything deep inside this chest. I can't feel that there's a little thing called a heart that's beating.
Sasha pulled me into a hug, her head on my shoulder. She won't stop crying, but then there's me, who has nothing left to cry.
As the last funeral service ended, the pastor prayed for our family's healing. The staff from the cemetery who dug the 6-feet deep hole began turning the rollers that caused Vaughn's casket to be brought down to the deepest part of the hole.
All the memories that Vaughn and I shared flashed like a flood in my mind.
That day when he confessed his feelings to me and ran away when we were in our school days.
The poems and songs that he made.
The drama when I introduced him to my family where mom and dad got mad because of his social status, yet he proved them that he's worthy to be his wife.
Those days where I was emotionally destroyed when I found out Sasha's feelings towards him and how I escaped reality.
Seeing him suffer from his cancer, Chordoma.
The idea that I'll be a single mom and Candace will grow up without a father.
Now, this.
The entire thing is bittersweet, for our lives were full of drama, yet at some point, I'm thankful that he won't suffer anymore from the pain. However, the scars that were left will take a lifetime for Candace and me.
My heart feels like it shatters to pieces every day since all of these things happened. It's too much to handle. I want to crouch down, wrap my arms around my knees and bury my face in them to hide my tears, wishing I could just bury all the burdens that I have in my heart together with his grave. But it's just that it'll never be possible. It's impossible to bury feelings just like that. What I know is, Vaughn will always have a place in my heart, and I have no plans in replacing him even in the future. All I know now is, I should do my best to be the best mother I can be for my daughter.
To make her be full of love despite her father's absence.
A warm and gentle hand patted my back which made my stomach turn for an unknown reason.
Deborah, my mother-in-law, held my arms and gently pulled me forwardly, securing me in her arms. She held the back of my head, and the warmth of her hand made my heart pound, yet I want to hold myself back from crying again.
"Sweetheart, I'm really sorry about this. It hurts me to see you in pain, and as Vaughn's mother, knowing that my son is gone first before I feel like I lost a huge part of me. After all, he's my blood, he came out of me 34 years ago. He's too young to die," she sniffed and I felt her heart beating faster than usual as our bodies are together in a hug.
"Nobody's to blame in this. Everyone who became a part of his life sure feels upset about everything – especially the ones who had Vaughn as a significant part of their lives which is his family." My voice is soft as a whisper.
"I have something to give you," she said as she pulled me away gently from her. She pulled away from her purse and browsed it thoroughly until she found what she's looking for – a white flash drive with a dark blue lining on its sides. She pulled my hand and placed it on my palm, and closed it as if to secure the little thing I haven't seen before. "This is from Vaughn. He told me that when he's gone, I should give this to you. It's the only thing he left. He also told me to tell you that the file for Candace should be shown when she turns 10 because, at that time, she can already understand things."
Her words sent shivers to my spine and my heart started beating faster. I have no idea about all these, and I can't imagine what the content of this thing can be. I'm quite eager to see its content, but at the same time, something holds me back, as if my intuition is telling me that I should give myself a break before viewing it. I've always trusted my intuition because it rarely fails me.