For countless times the two traveled from world to world, from one fantasy to another: whims, desires, everything within reach.
She did everything to get Reina to think about something else, to feel as free as possible, but she knew it couldn't last forever and what she feared was about to happen.
They are sitting, in the middle of the night, at the edge of a lake, around a wood fire, a night of luminous stars. Reina has her face covered in tribal marks, a small creature brings her a cup filled with soup, she takes it. The little creature scurries off into a bush further on.
The other watches, pensive, while the fire's burning. Reina finishes drinking without hurrying and finally the discussion can happen.
She is still lost in her thoughts when little Reina comes to stick to her and asks her to make room for her, she makes room for her and the little child lands on her legs and lays her head against her chest.
She looks at her, we don't know what she's thinking, then she hugs her.
She blows a light wind that she loses control of, Reina is still peacefully posed.
"I'm going to die soon, huh?"
" Yes "
"Okay" Reina shows nothing to worry about.
The other knows what happens in the real world, that soon Reina will be unplugged, she hasn't told her; she suspects that Reina has learned to read her.
"What's going on with my body?"
"Did you knew that I knew all along?"
"You told me that you knew everything about me"
" I see… "
"Don't be afraid, I don't really want to know. You don't have to force yourself."
"Reina?"
" Yes?"
"Why are you so selfish?"
Reina is adorable with her wide smile.
"You know everything about me"
"I don't necessarily understand it"
"You are your own entity; I guess?"
" Yes "
" OK."
" It's now or never "
" Say? You are loyal to your hosts, but can you lie to them?"
" Yes "
"That's why you don't tell me that in truth if I don't feel any pain, it's because you're taking it all for me, that the truth is that it's you who's in my body?"
Even if she didn't mimic her surprise, she was sure that was the only thing Reina wasn't aware of, that it was the only thing she could really do to comfort herself; so as not to think that in reality it will not have really served the cause of bringing this body to life.
She's almost miffed at this, but Reina is unsurprisingly insightful.
"When did you know?"
"As soon as you explained to me who you were."
Such an answer makes her smile.
" Oh yeah?"
"If you want to know everything, what you call selfishness is the only way for me to convince myself that my life is worth living"
" Tell me everything… "
The fire is burning.
Reina gets up and turns around to sit down again, she thinks for a long time. She takes her small hand, puts it in the fire, gets burned and her burn heals almost instantly. She looks at the operated scar with a proud smile.
"Would I have done it knowingly in other circumstances? the truth, if you want to know it, is that I want to know where they are, what they do, what they feel, I want to deserve to suffer my illness and their pain to convince me that I was born defective and that the consequence of my existence is their pain. The truth also is that if I have always been strong enough, it is not by maturity, but by simple conviction that even if I was sick, I was loved and I loved. I felt like I presume anyone could do it, I couldn't in the name of Daddy's love claim any pain, for I looked into their eyes and saw love. My existence was legitimate but riddled with the pain my body was screaming. My mind was comforted by the attentions but my body was more like giving up everything that it wasn't worth it..."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
Reina cries: the fire is burning
"If I had spoken, it would have been to remind them that there was nothing they could do for me. I want to bear all my pain and show them only what my mind suggests to me in what they offer me."
" You know that… "
"Yeah, I know that's hypocritical. But tell me, tell me if it really would have been better for me to shout that I want to die, that the pain is unbearable, that their love is not enough all the time. Tell me if this honesty would really have been preferable?"
Reina cries into her hands, her sister is very emotional, her eyes are covered with moisture.
Reina resumes: the fire is burning.
"Antoine – she brings up some snot – Antoine arrived, like the others he accepted me, he too reminded me that my existence deserved attention, but… but my sister – she shouts – does really my life deserved so much, so much... what meaning had my own existence?"
She is torn, years of feelings come out, she explodes, the tears, the cries flow. She is taken in her sister's arms.
Yes, the truth is that neither of them knows exactly what their existence means, they know very well that if all life is worth living, that yes, all existence is confronted with an antonym: the rich who only defines his wealth by the surplus he has compared to the poor and vice versa. But there, she thinks rather that it is not a question of a life better than another, but that if Reina was different, and that another from the point of view of Reina was different from her, it is that there was no problem; that there was only a field decorated with a multi-culture of individuals and that there was no need to say more.
The fire is burning. She thinks and says to her:
No, she doesn't tell her anything, she lets her cry for a moment and takes her in her arms before getting up with Reina still in her arms. She heads for the forest.
She gets there, one hand on Reina's head. Reina still in her tears begin to hear a voice, then another, and a new one. When the sounds get big enough, she's convinced to raise her head. She hears kindergarten classmates ask her how she feels about her body, they ask her without malice, only out of childlike curiosity, questions about her illness. Reina remembers being happy with such interest in her.
She hears her friend from elementary school who has moved away and whom she has not seen since then, telling her if she had had a good day. She was waiting for Reina every time she went down with her umbrella, so she wouldn't get sunburned. The whole class offered it to her, everyone wanted it to be their turn, she remembers the giggles when pieces of her skin got into the food, when friends sulked but ended up laughing too much. She hears her teachers scolding her, punishing her like every other student, considering her a student like the others. She hears herself growing up in college: Salim, who broods over her for nothing, offers her home lessons, she hears her friends tell her about their first heartbreaks, the first pajama parties, the pieces of skin in the popcorn and the giggles. She hears high school, the brilliant results, the sessions she loved to attend, she remembers Antoine.
But above all she hears: Salim, Myriam, Halima, Frida and: the best! Lisa!
"My best friend, Lisa!"
Yes! Of course Reina had a deserved existence! She hears about the interest she has created in the country. Scientists respected this young girl with this syndrome who managed to shine as much with intellectual genius and simple beauty.
She still doesn't know whether or not she should talk about her pain, but she swears to herself that she will never, ever again say that her body invites her to die.
At the end of the forest, she drops Reina and turns her to face her mother's sweater. The message is clear for Reina. So that's what her sister was thinking.
From the little she knows, she knows that her mother suffered from the same syndrome, that the latter had succeeded in the stroke of genius to make a former criminal fall in love with her, she knows that she was born from the one who tried to change a man, a man who had less humanity than her when he was well, healthy. She was the progenitor of her own joys and the joys of those close to her. Then she finally remembers what Antoine had said "What does it take to be loved if not to exist?"
It was obvious and she always knew it, but why is it only obvious now?
Why does she have to die when now she wants to tell them the truth, it is now clear that even if she had told the truth, they would have scolded her and Lisa would have deprived her of rice semolina. She wants to see them again, to say goodbye to them. She wants a second chance. She shakes her sister's hand, her gaze resolutely firm, full of conviction, the tears still flowing.
"Take me back to my body!"
"Okay" she stares into space
" Quick!"
" OK "
" Yes "
"It's going to hurt like hell"
" I know."
" OK. Our paths diverge here"
The little one raises her gaze to that of her sister. They look at each other, and her sister smiles at her.
She bends down at the same height and puts her hand on the child's head.
" You had fun?"
" A lot!"
" Great! At least I will have succeeded in that."
Reina presses her forehead to her and holds her cheeks with her small hands. The two close their eyes and savor the moment with a peaceful yet sad smile. She kisses Reina on the forehead.
Reina detaches herself and takes a few steps back holding her sister's hands until she lets go of them and she starts running.
"Come on, try to catch me!"
*
She watches Reina run ahead of her and she laughs to herself before chasing her into the forest. She is playing tag, laughing out loud.
"You'll see; I'll catch you in less than two"
"try again!"
Reina runs cheerfully, she knows the environment well, she takes turns, passes under branches, dodges trunks and enters a muddy puddle. Her sister is she incredibly skilled in her movements, she is more lively than Reina. She is about to catch up to her but Reina has not said her last word.
"Say, sis?"
" Yes?"
"Do you think we will meet somewhere else?"
" I do not know "
"Say, sis?"
" Yes?"
"Could I talk to others once in my body?"
"No, it's too late for that, you'll be able to hear them at best but your eardrums must have collapsed a long time ago. But with a lot of effort, you will see them"
"My eyes will be intact?"
"No, I'm talking about the gift of similarity possessed by those in power. If you are in one, one or both of your parents are. If the bond between you is strong you will feel the presence of one and the other, you will feel pain invading your finger. So there are chances that Salim can communicate with you and vice versa."
" I see… "
Reina begins to tire and her sister approaches, Reina's eyes shine, she is excited to go back. The other no longer smiles, she is nostalgic and still wonders if her job has been done. Would she just be there to occupy her host before the end, it is plausible but she would have known, who brought her there? She has a lead, but she will never tell. She comes to when listening to Reina's voice
"Say, sis?" Reina is very exhausted, out of breath, she runs to join Reina she knows that Reina is dying.
She takes the little one who lets herself be carried away too easily. Reina is weak, she has trouble opening her eyes, she is breathing hard… she just holds her, the forest disappears, they are in darkness again.
Reina manages to force her eyes open, and brings her hand up to her sister's face.
"Say, sis?"
" Yes?"
Reina seems to have absences; she takes a moment to declare herself
"Your…your name. I didn't ask your name."
She shakes the child's hand.
"Does it matter?"
"Haha…" Laughter tears her heart; Reina is in bad shape. " You think?" Reina smiled at her uneasily.
"What if I believe?"
" What is your name?"
"The Muzharas have names only their nature, I am simply Muzhara of the spirit."
" I see… "
"I'm going to take you back to your body otherwise you won't be able to say goodbye to them"
"Ruhi…"
" Sorry?"
"Mizumi Ruhi. It's your name "
"What are you talking to me about?"
"It means spiritual lake."
"Stop saying nonsense, I don't need a name."
"Listen carefully Ruhi, you…"
"No, you listen to me, you don't have much time left…"
"But you have… listen, Ruhi, you will see sublime things and terrible things in the real world but whatever happens, you must remain faithful to our common philosophy, whatever happens, never doubt that you deserve to be there."
"But what are you talking to me about at the end?"
"Once you are there, you must not tell anyone that I am dead, absolutely no one, not until you have found the answer: why do you exist?"
She can't find anything to answer, she doesn't understand what Reina is saying
"Are you delusional or what? Stop it, it's not funny... we'll both go through it I tell you"
"You didn't understand, did you?"
" Sorry?"
"You will live, you will live for both of us… and you will find your reason to exist." Reina takes her hand and looks at the ring, she watches Reina observe the ring and understands what she is thinking.
" You're crazy? It will never work, stop it!"
Reina thinks she talks a lot, she looks at the ring, closes her eyes and searches deep within her for the source of her power.
She yells at her to stop, that it won't do anything, that she has no authority over her but Reina stays focused.
She's still about to yell at her to stop when her heart thumps hard in her chest. She feels something inside her, her body shivers and the rings sparkle, and the truth is that she's scared for many reasons, she doesn't want this to happen, but now she can't say anything anymore or do, she acknowledges being under the authority of Reina who is enlightened.
She observes the little girl in a mass of white flames.
"You said that the muzhara is bound to the wish to live or to make live? So by my authority, I proclaim my supremacy over my servant: Mizumi Ruhi! You will live for me, your mistress, after my disappearance and you will conquer the world, and you will find in my place, the answer to the reason for our common existence!" Reina closes her fist and puts it on her chest.
She cries, and says that: "it will never work I tell you!" but at the same time as she says it, is forged on the rings "you will live in the name of your mistress!"
She cries, face down.
Reina walks up and hugs her "don't cry, not until you complete your mission." She holds it for a moment longer.
"Ruhi, take me back to my body before it's too late"
She pulls out of Reina's arms and says she'll never do that but Reina raises her hand "That's an order." Despite herself, she is forced to obey
"Don't resist, don't resist Ruhi…"
She forces herself, Reina just smiles at her.
"Why, why did you want this?" She cries!
"Because we have the power to do it!" Reina smiled.
She ends up joining her palms in spite of herself and Reina feels that she reconnects to the tunnel. Its flames gradually dissipate and it evaporates into particles of light. She observes herself and turns to Ruhi.
"I never imagined such a thing existed, and yet here we are. Go to the furthest east if necessary to find out what is going on; flinch against no adversary, no sense of doubt, fight all adversity with the most robust firmness. Your name is Mizumi Ruhi and your mission is to find the reason for your existence."
She does not look at Reina who smiles at her again, when she realizes that there is only a moment left, she runs towards Reina but it is already too late, she is only in flying particles. But Reina had time to tell her "Do you think you will be alone, and that is illegitimate? Didn't you teach me that what is, is, and that's it? Be subject to your own teachings."
She squeezes herself in sobs: sadness, lack, fear, uncertainty her journey.
Always curled up on herself, she feels reduced to the size of a bean, and feels like bathing in a thick liquid, she suddenly feels soothed by this atmosphere, she feels put in contact with a new world, sensations run through her, but it becomes so soothing that she frees herself of all thought, nothing weighs down inside her anymore, as in gestation; for a (long?) quiet moment.
When she finally frees herself from this state, a light appears to her, she is again taken by sensations: her terrors, and other feelings come back to her. She finds herself in her initial state, but more than anything she feels that she feels everything. She feels her body, she feels her tears, she feels her weakness, her hunger, she realizes that her environment is neither illusion nor muzhara, but only tangible: Mizumi Ruhi lives, she is in a real body, in the real world.
She can't believe it worked, it really worked. She doesn't even notice the lady sitting next to her; she only sees her a few moments later, she recognizes Frida, but she doesn't feel able to do anything, she stares at her independently. Then it's the nurse, Sarah, Myriam's sister, then the doctor. She recognizes them all but is unable to say or do anything.
But it is especially when Salim arrives, in contact with the two eyes, sounds whose will she does not control, try to escape from her but without success, she is surprised to try to speak without wanting to.
She heard the doctor explain to her that she should not be able to speak because of the vocal cords which had to be rehabilitated.
She will need to undergo rehabilitation sessions for at least a year to return to a normal state of life, but she should be able to be discharged within a few months.
The reunion with all these people was for her without much emotion. For her, yes she felt attached to these people, and had immense respect for them but she felt sorry for them, she still does not recover from what happened, she does not realize and wonders what it will have to involve, what can wait for it? She tells herself that she is a pitiful Muzhara but reminds herself that she shouldn't. She wipes away a tear and thinks of Reina, she thinks about it again and again, she remembers her name, her mission, only things that don't yet imply anything; if not perhaps her name which implies her existence in this world.
She manages to free herself from her heavy thoughts and was able to fall asleep for the first time. She only really feels now all the sensations she was only presuming to feel: so that's sleep.
*
The months that followed served her for her rehabilitation; she first recovered from her malnutrition, then learned to walk and talk again, and went through exam after exam and the doctors testified to Reina's miraculous recovery.
They asked her permission to take her genes to try to find a cure, she agreed but refused to respond to invitations from the media.
Now she has just finished her session, she moves with her wheelchair in the hospital park and sees Lisa on the roof of one of the buildings, she looks at her without transcribing anything except a deep reflection. Lisa stares into the distance, her hair flying, headphones dancing in the wind.
She arrives on the roof, and approach over to Lisa who gives her a quick look before looking straight ahead again. She sees Lisa watching the river; with the renovation of the hospital, from the roof, you can see Harobanda. We see the river, the first houses and the prestigious mountains that call for adventure.
She approaches Lisa again but says nothing. Lisa seems to have grown a little, an inch or two, she thought.
"My favorite movie?" asked Lisa.
She is surprised by Lisa's question "Scarface?"
"My first boyfriend?"
She doesn't answer right away
"Benjamin?"
"My real first boyfriend"
"Issa"
"My favorite artist?"
"Kendrick Lamar"
"The sound I like the most?"
"None, you don't know yourself. But you listen to These Walls a lot and you think Alright and Momma are classic 2010s music."
"Where am I going to honeymoon?"
"It's not tomorrow the day before that you will think of engaging, but you would certainly want to go to Mars."
Lisa remains unmoved at first, then smiles. She turns to her, looks at her and takes a moment before kicking her foot which she stops just before touching the girl.
Lisa puts her foot down, the other doesn't mime anything.
"Reina would have blinked, not you…"
"What are you implying?"
Lisa sits on the fence
"Honestly, I don't know why I don't recognize you. It's you, but there's something."
"Is that why you don't come to see me anymore?"
"No"
"I miss you"
Lisa's eyes shine
"I went through a lot of emotions, I thought you were dead many times, but you always came back and even now that you're here, I don't know if you'll tell us a bad joke again. I don't like seeing you die more than once"
She smiles and approaches, she lets go of the crutch and puts her arm on Lisa
"Since when did you get so emotional? Honestly, I understand how you feel, but I can assure you that I won't be dying for a long time."
"Is this supposed to relieve me? Reina would never do or say what you are doing there"
She pulls her arm back and picks up the crutch
"You're right, I'm not Reina, I can't be Reina. And..."
"I don't want you to be Reina"
Ruhi is surprised
"How?"
Lisa sighs and points, eyes steady.
She smiles at Lisa and reassures her. "Okay, I'll live to the fullest."
Lisa lowers her finger
"I think I'm the only one with Salim to have noticed your change"
" Yes "
"What are you going to do now?"
"I don't know..." She feels carried away by her thoughts: her mission, how to go about it? But she remembers Lisa being the smartest person Reina knew.
" Say? How to achieve a dream such as knowing the reason for its existence?"
"By existing..."
" It's that simple?"
"You're taking your head too much, the reason for existing is something as stupid as existing"
" And so?"
"I told you, just exist"
"Let yourself be carried away by events? A muzhara who only lives?" What a strange destiny; think Ruhi.
"If one day you decide to leave, no one will hold you back, but do it well with Salim, okay?"
She is surprised at Lisa's statement
"What makes you think I want to leave?"
"Yeah… we'll see."
She sits up and heads for the door
"You can walk to your chair"
"Hey, that's not nice!"
"Hurry you have your MRI soon!"
"On the other hand, you too have changed!"
"No, you're just more capable than before. Stop talking about your life and hurry up!"
It is with a shared smile that they take advantage of this miraculous moment.
*
Time passed again and Ruhi was able to get out of the hospital, she went back to Reina's place, to live with Salim. The first few days were as special as all the rest; the problem was not so much that she was disoriented, lost, but rather that she was illegitimate to Reina's life; thus being satisfied with the sole order of the latter; she must not tell the truth; so she continued to play the role of Reina.
Salim had noticed the difference, but for Lisa and him, as for the hair colors, it was more a psychological consequence of the trauma, it is not so unusual that a person comes out changed after a significant experience: them included. But both were content to simply enjoy the gift that had been given to them; and it was even great that she was evolving, that she perceived the world differently, because now healed, a new field of the possible must follow.
Salim noticed, however, that the new Reina was more withdrawn, more assumed to be say; he found it peculiar that she was so adept physically, at sports, and that she had become more inclined to analyze her surroundings. Her clothing, her hairstyle: a ponytail always on a cap. She seemed really contrasted with the old one but one thing was sure: the young girl in front of him was still just as admirable, a charm that left no one indifferent, especially with her now enigmatic face, which suggests an impenetrable wall.
She went back to online classes, and took care of the housework while Salim was away, she stayed in bed part of the time, doing nothing before the girls came by after school. She also took care of shopping at the local convenience store.