My entire train of thoughts were fixated on those five words that repeatedly rang in my head. What exactly was happening? One minute we were making small talk about unimportant matters and the next, we were about to have a conversation that superseded all conversations since we met.
"Stage III Cancer of the heart, that's what the doctor said. I have been taking my medications regularly and tried to live a healthy lifestyle but recently, I seem to be getting worse!" he continued, his gaze fixed on the steering wheel perhaps afraid to look at me so I wouldn't detect his vulnerability; the emotions running through him. I covered my mouth with both palms of my hands in shock of what he had just said.
The instant you finally resolve the missing piece of a puzzle, all mysteries are revealed! No wonder, many times he had a sad look in his eyes, he'd laugh a little and zone out for some seconds. I remembered how he was always skeptical about what he ate, for example the time I served him some ice cream in celebration of my victory from deportation. His aversion to alcohol and need to drink lots of water. His quick apprehension to drinking champagne the other night he got us gifts. Picking a hot chocolate with low fat milk instead of coffee, ordering a vegetable filled shawarma. The suits and casual jackets to conceal his emaciation. All the signs were clear as day, I just never paid so much attention to them.
I had no clue how to comfort him at this point. Saying sorry would not be effective in taking the sickness away.
"Most times I feel so empty. Some days I see my life moving at full speed, other days, my life is so slow and dull that it leaves an ache as to if I've merely existed rather than lived." I could feel him shattering but I knew next to nothing to stop him or make him feel better.
"When I lost my parents, my whole world stopped. I was literally thrown into heading my father's company and the attention and dedication needed to see to its success, pushed mourning my parents to the back of my mind, only in quiet times, I remembered them. Therefore, I chose to work harder so there'd be no room for peace and quiet, no room for vulnerability and weakness! This ploy led me into becoming one of the wealthiest men in Canada and Central America."
"Then about five years later, I began to feel my strength drain, my body grew weaker and I came to the conclusion that it was because I was overworking and exerting myself. I ignored all the signs for so long until one fateful day, just like today, I spat out blood! I knew something terrible was wrong with me and so for the first time in a really long time, I visited the hospital for an all round checkup. It was there I was diagnosed of stage three cancer of the heart and the doctors commented that if it had been detected in time, the cancer wouldn't have aggravated."
"Furthermore, he told me I had about a year or more to live if I took the right medications at regular intervals. I initially thought there was nothing worse than losing my parents, however, this was a more shocking news! You see, most times we always feel invisible, out of reach and too full of years to live, until death comes knocking on the door unexpectedly. In subsequent months, I became frustrated and depressed!"
"I saw myself deteriorating by the day, seeing more of a shadow of myself until I couldn't bear it anymore. I chose to take my own life!" by this time, I was crying as he explained. I had never known anyone who had experienced this much pain in my entire life. I always thought that what I had been through was the height of it all until this very moment.
"So one day, I devised a plan to successfully end my existence. It took me one week of detailed persistence and planning to formulate how I was gonna exit this world without guilt. For me, seeing my parents again and being with them forever was my solace and also, I felt it more powerful to take my own life rather than allow cancer take it. On that fateful day, I wore my favourite suit and went to the train station, ready to throw myself on the railway so the next train in motion would do the work on me." I gasped in thought of how horrible that would have been. "Horrific, isn't it?" he questioned at my expression. I couldn't bring myself to reply or nod in agreement.
"Thinking about it right now, I cannot believe that a few months ago, I was capable of that thought or action. Recently, I have suddenly come to value life, to see the beauty in the ugliness of it all! Now, I don't want to die anymore. To be honest, the thought of it scares me." without thinking, I took a hold of his right hand with my left.
"Listen to me, you are not going to die! You've come this far and cannot afford to give up now! You are a strong man; a Fighter! I have no doubt that there's hope, please believe and fight this!" I replied, countering his declarations but surprised I was audacious enough to speak up. But then I just couldn't bring down his spirit. I had to bring him out of his misery one way or another.
I looked at him, really looked at him. It was then I noticed the tears in his eyes. They were running down uncontrollably and he was too transfixed to stop them. I nodded in encouragement; it was okay to cry! There was nothing weak about that.
"That was her word. She called me a Fighter that day." he said. I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about but then I kept on nodding, just doing whatever I could to stop him from accepting defeat.
"My dad would always say that things would get better no matter how rough it was at the moment. He always believes God made us pass through the fiery fire and through the deep waters to mold us into the actual greatness he has destined for us and my dad's beliefs have been embedded in us, his children. We worry less, knowing God is fighting our battles. So please, hold on to my words, Chiké; believe in God to fight for you!" He joined me in nodding, agreeing to what I had said. I managed a weak smile and he smiled right back.
"Thank you! For all that you've done for me. You're heaven sent and I am so grateful to have you by my side." his words brought me so much peace, I heaved a sigh. This was what I had always wanted. To be of value to people around me. To be an umbrella on rainy days. To cheer them on when they lacked faith to do so themselves.
"You're welcome and don't forget you've helped me too. I wouldn't have been able to bear the shame of deportation but then you saved me and I'm super grateful I have you by my side." I responded in total gratitude for indeed, he had been there for me in numerous ways.
"We have both been blessings to each other then, right?" He asked, a little tensed over what I'd say.
"Indeed we have!" I confirmed not missing the sagging of his shoulders in mitigation. Then I remembered, "That reminds me, um, I explained your newly discovered philanthropy to Rose because she was curious over the purses and truck you gifted us and then she mentioned tonight that she has an orphanage in Ontario that's in need of financial assistance. My only response was I'll relay it to you because she had high hopes that you could help out. You don't have to do anything if you don't want to, okay? No pressure."
"I want to help. I told you that's my new mission; to cheer people up! So if I am capable of rendering help to Rose's needs, then I will do it." He paused to open the glove box of his car and brought out a business card which he handed to me. "Please give this to her. My email is displayed on it, let her send me the details of the orphanage so I can help in the little way I can." Little way? There was no room for 'little' where this man's bank account was concerned. I accepted the card and tucked it in the pocket of my skinny jeans.
He yawned out loud and covered his mouth to conceal it but the fatigue he felt could not be missed. I knew he had to go home to rest now more than ever based on tonight's revelation.
"You're tired! You need to sleep, okay?" I urged and he agreed while scratching his itching eyes.
"I ought to say no because I still want to spend more time with you but my body contradicts my mind." my heart skipped as I heard his words and I was positive that my insides were filled with butterflies.
"That's all right, we could talk later in the day." I glanced at the time shown on my phone. It read 3:30am. Gosh! How did time run so fast? "We both have to work in a few hours from now. How about we meet up later for dinner?" I suggested in hope that he'd say yes.
"Excellent! I'll pick you up at 6 and we can dine at José Huncho's Restaurant, good?" my eyes twinkled as he made mention of my favourite dinner spot. I remembered taking him there once, at the beginning of our friendship and how he had complimented the place and the delicious food they served.
"Good." I made a move to open the door and then remembered a question I had during his earlier confession. I faced him and asked, "What stopped you from taking your life that day? You never mentioned how the incident ended."
He looked at me for a while, a sullen expression on his face and replied, "That's a topic for another day. I promise I'll tell you soon. Right now, go inside and rest." his bossiness in check, I saluted and responded, "Aye aye, boss!"
"Goodnight Samira." like him, I still wanted the night to go on while we enjoyed each other's company but that would mean a late and tired day ahead for us.
"You can call me Sam, its what my close friends call me." I stated, hinting that I already considered him a close friend.
He grinned but denied my request. "I very much like calling you by your full name, Samira." come to think of it, my full name sounded different and sweeter when he called me.
"All right then." I shrugged. "Goodnight Chiké." as I got out of the car, welcomed by the chilly night, I waved and stayed on the same spot until he had driven off before I walked into the house.
The night had started at a smooth pace, then picked up a shocking gallop and finally ended at a bittersweet destination and as I laid down—careful not to wake up Rose—I cried myself to sleep over the overwhelming realization that the man I had fallen in love with might not last long enough to live up to the years ahead and the beautiful new memories we ought to create together for life!
My only hope was to believe in the principles my father taught me; to place all my burdens on God's feet and to believe He had everything under control!