What causes a person's heart to flutter?
With my right arm on top of the table, I tapped my fingers, unable to find an answer to a question I couldn't seem to understand. The other one was then placed on the table with my elbow pushing into the surface and my chin resting on my wrist.
If you're like the majority of people, you believe what they say about love.
I scoffed. "Love," I whispered, stretching my lips wide while looking at the table and shaking my head.
Those goddamn junkies would say that getting high somehow feels the same as falling for the person. Despite the lack of experience in such nonsense, I am not that ignorant about it.
I know it's a powerful feeling you have for someone or something you value.
However, it has nearly been impossible to find someone who matches me; someone who could handle me, for someone who does everything either too intensely or too passively, or black or white is the option.
Even an active sexual lifestyle—with a variety of married women for the excitement of it—can't make up for that feeling. There is no such thing as a middle ground, in my opinion. But I find it amusing to be in partnerships where there are a lot of "what ifs." There are no guarantees, and there is no love.
The table's placement provided me with a wonderful view of the arriving students who sat with their buddies laughing, talking, and gossiping about their monotonous daily lives while eating their delicious meals.
My pals beside me have been on blind dates recently, grinning and flushing their faces while following various women on the internet on their mobile devices.
What a pathetic situation. I scoffed and shook my eyes at the idea that they were looking for anything abstract. Love is intangible, and I know I'll never be able to experience it.
Perhaps I had—but I couldn't recall it.
While my gaze was drawn to the individuals passing through the canteen, I immediately remembered the first girl whom I kissed and promised to get married to when I was nine years old.
Was there a chance it was love?
I shook my head, no, it wasn't just a stupid self-obligation to taste a girl's lips and satisfy my basic longing. Then I took a sip of orange juice and squeezed my lips together.
"Can you guys put a stop to it?" Jun sneered and slapped the backs of their heads, "You look like pathetic perverts."
"Come on, Jun."
"We're not the same, Chen. You know what, ordinary people like me don't have his face to draw women in with a single wink."
As he continued scanning the screen, I noticed the man next to him chuckled in response, and a group of young men my age was seen laughing which began to irritate me.
"While we're on the subject of women, how was Louisa?" Jun leaned in close to me, a half-empty bottle of water in his hand. He smiled sarcastically.
I let out a sigh. "There's nothing unique about it, she became boring."
"What can you expect from these women that age, fresh as a sixth-grader? Do they owe you more loyalty than their husbands?" Jun laughed and sipped from the bottle. "You have to know what you're getting yourself into, Chen. You know, these women you're hooking up with are all married. MARRIED. If not, those who are already engaged," Jun sighed as he continued, "Even the most perfect couples are being ruined by you. But instead of apologizing, you're taking advantage of their insatiable desire for affection that their relationships can't provide." He drew back, took a drink, turned around, rolled his eyes, and shook his head before his eyes locked with worry and irritation. "As if you know how to show love."
I scoffed.
"Love? I don't care if they want affection or sex from me, Jun. To me, they're all desperate women craving a piece of raw flesh. In my opinion, they're a bunch of scumbags swarming around my thing. It's not my problem if their relationship falls apart due to their selfishness."
"How would you feel if you were in their shoes? What if the person you care about treats you like a toy and breaks your heart as you do to these women?"
A snort escaped my lips while Jun grinned as if he was adamant about what he said, or as if he didn't mean what he said at all.
I was so taken aback that I drank to ease my nerves and chuckled.
"Women are toys, Jun. Isn't that why I'm playing with them?"
I pressed my head against my folded arm and combed my hair backward.
When the environment suddenly altered, I chuckled and extended my back to stand, swiftly turning around to see a strange man and his band members entering the cafeteria.
As I sipped the last of my orange juice, my forehead furrowed. My gaze was drawn to that person for some inexplicable reason, and I followed their path until they sat at one of the vacant tables on the opposite side of the cafeteria, a few tables away from us.
I sighed, while Jun took notice and touched me on the shoulder. Then I fixed my gaze on him.
"What?" Jun turned his head in the same direction I was looking at. His smile said a lot without saying anything. He cocked his head in the direction of the other band.
He nodded as he turned his head back to my direction and landed a stare at me.
"Yeah, I know. I'm sure I've seen them before. Isn't it ironic? You have a messed-up life, but you enjoy ballads. Take a look at that fellow over there. He had the appearance of a gangster and was a fan of rock music. He does, however, live a nice life as opposed to you."
I inhaled deeply and pursed my lips to express my agreement. My eyes couldn't seem to get enough of that guy, and I was not even aware of it.
There was something about him that tickles me, although it was uncertain because he stinks of ennui, though young and attractive girls flock to him as well.
I froze as he turned his head and glanced back at me while I was staring at him.
What exactly are you looking at?
I rolled my eyes and scoffed instinctively while shaking my head.
My soul jumped back, practically recoiling in my seat as if threatened.
He swiftly turned to speak with his companions.
I couldn't seem to let go, even though he wasn't looking at me anymore. My chest felt constricted, and my brows were almost furrowed.
What is this? What the fuck is this?
I forced myself up to stand and let out a sigh, unable to cope with the growing frustration and feeling troubled. Unbelievable. What's the matter with this guy?
I scowled and shook my head a little, perplexed.
"Can you tell me where you're going?"
"I'm going to light up."
Before I went a few feet away from the table, Jun asked again. "Just make sure you show up later for our practice, okay?"
I moved closer to the exit, nodding but saying nothing.
While passing by the other band's table, I dug my hands into the pockets of my denim.
Despite my best efforts to avoid making a disturbance, that guy's stare upset me. What was even more awful had to pass by their table on my way out.
While he was hanging out with his group of friends, he was taller than others at the same table.
He tapped the man beside him before he stood and walked at the distance in my direction without losing his eyes on me as if I was the finish line.
As he stood a bit closer to me, I realized that he was slightly taller than me. His defined jawlines and his thick eyebrows matched his dark lashes and long, straight black hair.
His glowering dark brown eyes, on the other hand, caught me. The way he looked at me was way too intense, fiery, almost erotic.
As we continued exchanging gazes, it drew a lot of people's attention, not just from our groups, but from everyone in the cafeteria.
Their gazes, including the others—I think they were their fans—attempted to frighten both groups and provoked an unprecedented riot.
We both scoffed and shook our heads before we head out in opposite directions.