"You know," Emi began, squinting at a point on the ceiling and jabbing her pocky toward it. Her voice was still husky from belting out song after song at karaoke earlier. "I was just thinking we humans are like two separate things stitched together to make a whole, you know?"
"No, I don't know," Mizuki said, reaching for Emi's pocky. The smaller girl didn't look away from the point on her ceiling, yet still deftly moved the pocky to avoid Mizuki's graceless grab.
"What do you mean, Emi-senpai?" Saki asked, struggling with her own package. She shoved the top of the package between her teeth and began to gnaw at it like a squirrel trying to open a nut. It was, in a word, adorable.
"What are you talking about?" I took the bait and asked, leaning back from the kotatsu, and resting my weight on my hands.
"Well, you've got two eyes, and two ears and two boobs," She grabbed one small globe in each hand for emphasis. "So, it's like we were two separate creatures and were sewn together, you know?"
"You've only got one nose," Mizuki pointed out.
"Ah, but two nostrils!" Emi shot back triumphantly. She had obviously put a considerable amount of effort in this line of thought. "The only thing you have one of is your butthole." Mizuki nearly choked on her soda and Saki looked like she was going to die from embarrassment. Only Aria seemed nonplussed, merely cocking an eyebrow curiously.
I had decided earlier that day I would no longer be taken along for the ride that I had found myself on recently. In fact, ever since Aria had stepped through the door at school my life had been off kilter. Whether it was the flirting she was doing, the madness that always seemed to swirl around Emi like a hurricane of awkwardness or the sudden introduction of Saki, my life had become unruly.
The thing I hated most was an unruly life. It created havoc and made me anxious and was like having a cicada trapped somewhere in your house and not being able to find it. Eventually the constant chirping would drive you nuts. That's what the maelstrom around me felt like and I despised it. I had decided I would not be embarrassed and ashamed. I would not be humiliated or thrown off my stride. I would take back control of my life again and right the ship.
"There's no need to go straight for orifices," I said coolly, sipping on my Ramune in a way I calculated to be cooler than the situation deserved. "You have a belly button, don't you?" The smirk on Emi's face froze as she processed this information. Her expression quickly fell, and her head sagged noticeably.
"Damn," she hissed. "You're right."
"Sorry to bust your bubble," I shrugged, though I still had no idea what point she had been trying to make. The body was a strange thing? We were two people and got stitched together in some sort of metaphysical sweat shop? I shrugged.
Emi was often swept away by whatever flowed through her head and, lacking a clear filter, let what thoughts were left out in a stream of conscious rambling. Honestly, I was impressed. It had been nearly three hours since we'd finished karaoke. We'd had food and baths and were now huddled in her room under the expansive kotatsu, and she hadn't even mentioned her borderline pornographic find from the bookstore. I thought she would have broken the book out and been explaining the intricacies of cunnilingus and tribadism and whatever other things she'd learned from her reading long before now, yet she hadn't.
"Ok!" Mizuki enthused in the lingering silence, having recovered from the butthole comment remarkably fast. "Who's the cutest boy in school?"
"Huh," Emi recovered quickly, her brain taking on this new task with gusto. "That's a good question. No, not meatball, so don't get your hopes up."
"You shouldn't call him meatball!" Mizuki protested with a pout, shooting a withering look my way. "And why wouldn't he be the most attractive boy in school?"
"He's got a giant, bulbous head," Emi replied.
"He has pig eyes," I supplied.
"His hair is stringy and oily, and he'll probably be bald by the time he's thirty," Aria piled on.
"He's as dumb as a box of sand," Emi added.
"He smells terrible on the best of days," Aria shrugged.
"He's a dumpster fire of a human being who is probably going to be voted most likely to drown himself in two centimeters of water as an adult," I put the final nail in the coffin.
"Fine! Fine! I get it! Geez," Mizuki sulked. "Not Yuto, fine. Then who?"
"Daishi?" Emi nibbled on her pocky. I glanced over at Aria and noticed a blush spread across her features.
"Pfft! Hell, no!" Mizuki scowled. "That guy's an ass."
"Yeah, but he's hot. Didn't you have a crush on him, Mizucchi?" Emi asked, shoving another pocky stick into her mouth.
"Th-That was before!" Mizuki protested. "Like…a million years ago. Ew. No. Not Daishi!"
"Well, if Jun were still in school, he'd obviously take the prize," Emi shrugged. "And Jun's a total dick."
"Ugh," I groaned. I didn't even want to think about him.
"True, Jun would be the top," Mizuki nodded in agreement.
"Who's Jun?" Aria asked.
"You don't know Jun?" Emi was aghast. "Oh! Let me tell you about Jun!"
"No," I growled. "I don't want to talk about him."
"Ok, so, you know how gorgeous Kasumin is, right?" Emi ignored me completely, bouncing in glee at the prospect of enlightening Aria about my worthless brother. I blushed despite my earlier decision not to get drawn into this sort of thing again. "So, picture her as, like, a male prostitute."
"Huh?" Aria was plainly confused, and Saki looked desperately like she wanted to say something but nibbled her lip fretfully instead. Her already round cheeks puffing out further in consternation.
"Ok, I'll explain," Mizuki finally weighed in. I sighed and rubbed the bridge of my nose. Whenever conversation turned to the subject of Jun, I felt a headache begin to brew and the muscles in my neck tense up. He caused me stress, even when he wasn't around, and I hated it. "So, Kasumi's got a sister, Mio, who is adorable!"
"Wait!" Saki exclaimed, clapping her hand to her forehead in surprise. "You mean Mio Fujimura?"
"Um, yeah," Mizuki cocked her head slightly.
"What a small world! Mio's my little sister's best friend!" Saki positively bounced excitedly. "She's always over at my house!" She turned to me, eyes wide and sparkling. "Awesome, right?" I smiled back at her, more at her attempt to change the subject than at what she said. I knew it wouldn't be enough to distract Mizuki, Emi and Aria, though.
"Anyway, so Mio is cute and kind of round and adorable, but Jun looks like a less fit Kasumi. He's got the same face structure, same big eyes that slant up, same eyelids, same lips. Like a model, right?" Mizuki continued, ignoring Saki's attempt to change the conversation. These things she pointed out did not make me happy. Yes, Jun and I looked remarkably similar, and it drove me nuts.
"But Jun is a total slut, you know?" Mizuki continued. "I mean, he steps outside, and birds stop flying because they're afraid of getting hit on."
"That's not really a bad thing," Aria giggled. "If he's that hot I'd do him in a second! I mean, the only virgins left are ugly third graders. And puppy here, of course. At least with Jun, he knows what he's doing!" Silence greeted her. "Oh, come on! Who doesn't like some D! So long as it's the big d and not the little one, am I right? Not to mention virgins are just so cringy, right? They just lay there like sticks and you have to do all the work. Though, honestly, it is kind of hot reaching down and slipping it in yourself, right?" Even the normally unflappable Emi shifted uncomfortably. Mizuki stared at Aria with her mouth wide while Saki searched desperately for a hole to crawl into.
It was here, I imagined, that someone truly cool would have fixed the American with a steely gaze, taken a measured drink of sake or beer or whiskey or something and beaten her down with just the icy chill of their awesome coolness. Unfortunately, I had none of the requisite items, nor the gaze necessary to pull off the look even if I had. What I had was a white-hot anger burning like phosphorous through my decision to remain calm and a growing feeling of nausea.
What was I mad at? Aria? Jun? The concept of any of this? I didn't know and, honestly, I didn't care. I was just mad. So mad I was shaking, in fact. I wanted to scream and rage, but I swallowed the feeling down with a sip of Ramune where it burned in my belly like lava. It was Emi's birthday, and I didn't want to ruin it. I had to get outside and get some air.
"Heh, yeah, who doesn't think that's hot?" I murmured, my anger seeping out with each word and threatening to overflow like a too-full dam. I wanted to say more but took another sip of Ramune instead, my blurred gaze focused solely on the bright label. The atmosphere in the room had grown heavy and my headache had grown to the point it felt like my brain was going to leak out. "I'm going to get some air. I don't feel so well." I uncoiled from under the kotatsu and strode out the door leading to the garden, leaving the silence hanging in the air like a physical creature.
While most of the cities in Japan had been heavily bombed by the Americans during World War II, Tottori had been spared. Whether that was because there was nothing of significance here or, more likely, the city had already been destroyed a couple of years earlier, I had no idea. The fact was an earthquake in 1943 had pretty much wiped the entire town out. Fires had spread quickly and burnt the wood and paper buildings to a cinder before anyone could do anything to stop it. Thus, Emi's house stood out as one of the few remnants of Tottori before 1943. Perched on a hill to the northeast of the downtown area between the River and Lake Togo it had been built in the late 1500s and commanded a stunning view of both the city and lake.
I hurried across the small red wooden bridge over the pond and soon found myself standing on a platform which afforded a view of the lake in the distance. The skies were clear and filled with stars, only modestly diminished by the lights of the city all around us. The light wind brought the smells of distant cooking and the low murmur of traffic on the roads below. I loved going to Emi's house. It was relaxing. The fact it always seemed colder in the winter than outside and hotter during the summer didn't take away from the charm and, of course, the view.
Even now, with the sun long since gone and the moon still making her way up beyond the horizon, the view was amazing. The lights of the city streets glowed in the distance. Bright windows shone in the darkness, people living lives just beyond the curtains. Lives I could never know. People I'd possibly seen in passing, doing things they'd never do while outside the safe confines of their own walls. I felt, strangely, like a voyeur, even though I couldn't see anything from this distance.
Just as my headache felt like it was subsiding, I heard the door to Emi's house slide open and close again. I closed my eyes tight. I wasn't angry anymore, I told myself. I'm not mad. I'm not mad. I'm not mad.
"Did I make you mad?" Aria said a few moments later, stopping behind me. I had a speech already planned out in my head. It was a careful speech with reassurances.
"Nah, why would you think that?" I lied unconvincingly.
"I thought we were just playing around," Aria shrugged, her voice still light and airy. "I apologized to the others. I didn't know you guys were virgins. It's a different culture and all." So, I chuckled, that's what it is, huh? That's what she thinks made me mad. Not the fact she was talking about fucking the bane of my existence. Fine. The image of Aria sighing Jun's name while he rutted on top of her like a dog in heat raced through my mind and I nearly vomited.
"It's fine," I managed, fighting back a wave of nausea. "It's not a big deal. I've just had a headache and had to get some air. It's fine." If I told myself, it was fine it would be, right? This girl who…no. I couldn't think about it. I couldn't think about anything.
"Are you sure, Kasumi-chan? I don't want you to be mad at me." I couldn't look at her. The images rushing through my head would overflow and I would snap if I did. Still fighting back the feeling of being sick I nodded and waved at her.
"I'll be in soon," I managed. "Sorry."
"I really didn't mean it. I'm sorry again," she whispered cluelessly. I listened to her footsteps cross back over the bridge and heard the door open and close before I couldn't fight it any longer and threw up.