I hate myself.
If only I was a bit more useful maybe I could have saved them.
Maybe if there is a new saintess, they would be able to do a better job. But will they not be corrupted by the 'Rite of passage.'
In the similar stardust I landed on my feet. But where was I?
I was outside the outskirts of a forest. I looked around and found the ruined castle in the distance; the tops of the very few undamaged towers overshadowed the tallest trees. The rain was still pouring. My cloak felt heavy from the added weight. Something brushed my boot. I looked down and there was the crystal. I picked it up.
It was small and round in shape. Curved on its smooth surface was an eagle with its wings outstretched. Each wing had nineteen feathers in each. The eagle's eyes glows a brilliant yellow. Wrapped around the talons was a hissing snake. Underneath the eagle was an arm of swords. Behind the eagle image was a small clock curved. The small hands and the numbers curved in a small piece of crystal must have taken great concentration.
I instantly recognized what it was. The image of the royal family's insignia-the soaring eagle, it is obviously an item that the royal family would use for their own protection. The 'royal conveyance' only used should a royal is in mortal danger. It would teleport them to a place 7km away from any danger while informing the royal family about the danger. It was the most precious item a royal could have as they were all given one at birth. Since it was such a treasured thing it was usually passed down to the next generation.
Tears streamed out again.
Lucian used his most cherished thing to someone like me. I clutched it to my chest when I remembered the other crystal on my hand. It was the same to the first one with one key difference; instead of the hissing snake the talons had a thorny brunch of roses.
This…was Lucian's mother memento to him. The late queen Amelia who died due to an epidemic left this to him when he was only ten to give to the person he truly loved. It was a pair with the hissing snake. Something that belonged to the current king and late queen Amelia had now been passed down to Lucian.
My chest tightened. It got hard to breath. Everything was stinging. I couldn't see straight. My vision blurred. The onslaught rain did on help to my eyesight.
Something.
I needed something to replace the pain in my heart. I bent down on the muddy ground before starting to blindly grab for something. In the process I got stung by insects and sharp stones. I didn't care if I bleed. It eased the pain even for a moment. A harsh cut injured my index finger. I tried to find the object so I put my hand there until I randomly picked something. It was a sharp stick. For what I have done I needed to be punished.
Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! I hit myself with an intense rage.
My crime was a capital one. I struck the stick on my outstretched hand with as much force as possible. I even amplified the strikes with the spell for strength. I bled. I won't be able to use this hand anymore. It will be good if I couldn't. Then Mother will no longer have expectations.
Mother is glaring at me.
Thwack! I. Thwack! Can't. Thwack! Do. Thwack! Anything. Thwack! Right!
"Please don't worry Mother. I won't fail again. So please don't hit me again." I mumbled. In the blur of rain and tears I saw my step Mother. Sickly and pale, she was laughing at my pain. I could see her raising the hot iron poker. The burn will come soon since there is no Claudina to stop her anymore.
I killed her after all.
I killed her. I killed them. I killed all of them!
The blood won't wash away! It won't no matter how much I try to rub it off with the stick. It just won't go away!
Go away!! Please, go away!!
No don't look at me with those eyes! I tried to save them! I am not making excuses!! I truly couldn't save them. So stop looking at me!!! "I SAID STOP!!!!"
I was shaking. Mother will bring the cane soon. She will hit me for screaming again. I need to run but where? Last time I escaped with the gardener's boy I was hanged by my ankles from the ceiling for two hours before starving for three days. And the gardener was fired without any recommendation.
What will happen this time?
Claudina…I am so scared.
A scream shot out from the castle. Few night birds cawed angrily as they flew off.
What was I doing…? I looked down at my bloody hand. The scream woke me up from my hallucinations.
Right. Mother is dead. She died with Sister. Claudina is dead. No wait she is still alive. My friends...they are dead. I sucked in a breath.
Lucian. Noelle. Everyone, I failed.
I deserve this. Whatever that is happening to me is my punishment. It's my entire fault. My death won't be able to atone for what I did.
Rustle.
My head shot up. All my senses are tingling. The adenine high has yet to die so I was hypertensive to my surroundings.
Rustle. Rustle.
I closed my left eye with my fingers. The aura around the bushes was strange. Something sinister was hiding here.
I wish to die here but the holy magic inside me refuses to let me. My previous bloody hand has already started to heal. My body will naturally move to vanquish evil no matter how pathetic I feel. It's almost like I am puppet. I am following a single straight line for happiness which I don't know even exists.
But Claudina is not like that. She cut herself from destiny and forged a new one where none are able to trample on her.
Rustle. Rustle.
Guess I will continue to be a puppet.
No, I am hypocrite.
"O' Holy Heavens! Give thy creature be it servant or beast eternal rest. May it live under your wing after its long suffering!" A light shot out of my outstretched hands pointed at the rustling.
A bear crept out and fell dead on my legs.
Shouldn't have done that. Being mauled to death is much better to what I am feeling.
"Now you are killing off innocent animals? That won't do Little Mouse."
Claudina came out from the shadows. She held no sword; both her gloves and cape were gone too. Small splotches of blood on her face were washed with the rain.
So she hid her presence with the bear.
"Come to kill me now?" I asked.
"Of course. Why else would I bother to come out in the rain? The stench is unbearable."
"You used to like the smell of rain."
"Blasphemy!"
"I am a child of the Holy Heaves. I do not commit blasphemy."
"Hmm… can you still call yourself one when you killed your friends?"
"…Not really no. That is why I am waiting for you to kill me."
"I am not an executioner."
"You sure acted like one."
She fell silent. I stood up and outstretched my arms.
"Whenever you are ready." Although I had closed my eyes I knew she was scowling.
"Not going to put up a fig-" "Hurry up and just do it." I cut her off.
"I hate you."Claudina said.
"I know and I hate me too."
She started to mutter a spell.
Ah I can now finally die. The scrap of paper crumpled into my fist.
I flinched when she shot the bolt. But the attack never came. I opened my eyes. She had attacked directly at my face. Instead red sparks crashed into a blue circle.
"How did Lucian's magic get here?!" I glanced towards her. She was in deep concentration.
She's right. Lucian is …dead. So how did his magic get here? As far as I know the 'royal conveyance' is not able to hold any other magic then teleportation.
The paper crinkled more. I quickly unfurled it. Words written by an unmistakable handwriting; Lucian's.
Regardless of death Lucian still protected me.
I let go of a breath as I read the words again and again. "How forsaken you may think you are the heart still wants. I love you, Ophelia."
Underneath it was the forbidden magic arts written in the ancient language. It was unintelligible but the most I could decipher was a shield activating, ample blood and sacrifice. It was clear it was written in a hurried manner.
Lucian…I am wasted on you. I crushed the note in my hands to let it drop down on the forest floor.
However let me join the afterworld with you. You have protected me long enough. So allow me to ease your burdens in the grave. For your crimes I will give up my miserly blessings.
"What have you done Ophelia!" I looked back in alarm. Funny how habits don't break…
I saw why she was worried.
Overhead in the distance the castle had shot out beams of glowing red light. Surrounding animals fled from the place in frenzy. Birds and bats flew off leaving young ones to fend for themselves. Rodents squeaked around my legs. The bear carcass immediately begun to sizzle and rot until nothing was left. Sprites and pixies fled the eroded trees. The rain stopped a few seconds ago yet all the moisture was evaporated. My wet saint's clothes and cloak had dried. The temperature rose. Even my sweat was evaporated as soon as it formed. I almost thought the cracking ground may open up for lava to flow out.
A hand harshly garbed my arm before shaking me. "Why would you follow in my steps to summon a demon? Speak!"
I gaped at Claudina. Her hair resumed its unnatural fluffiness yet it rippled like graceful sea foam.
"Don't stare, fool! Tell me why you summoned a demon!" Eventually I was able to answer her "I-I didn't summon anything let alone a demon." Her face was unconvinced. "I t-tr-truly didn't…Lu-" I bit my tongue. I almost said Lucian's name without knowing if he caused the summoning.
Still unconvinced. I gulped audibly. If looks could kill I would be dead now.
I tried to glance at the beams however the moment I did so her grip would tightened. So I focused on her. She might just defeat the demon being summoned if it so much tried to interrupt us.
An explosive bang wobbled the ground. Instantly I looked at the place towers. The beams stopped. In their stead was black smoke smoldering with ignites of still burning ash.
"Ouch!" I yelped. My arm was being crushed in Claudina's iron hold. Frowning, I turned to her again.
I made an attempt to free my arm. She beat me to it by shoving me down.
"You are helping me defeat the demon." She unbuttoned her black tunic, casting it aside. She unbuckled her belt while loosening the first few buttons of her white shirt.
I slowly got up to my feet. "I don't think I can be of any help."
"Oh do show some strength! You shame women kind with your weakness." She whipped her head at me. In her bright green eyes was a burning fire.
"You killed me, your soldiers and your comrades. A measly low ranking demon should be no match for you." I down casted my eyes. I had nothing to say. "Don't tell me you actually pity them?"
I avoided her gaze as long as I could. She stared in disgust before softening her expression.
"The guilt will eat you alive at first. The trauma will keep you awake to the point you can no longer different reality with delusion." I looked up in alarm. Claudina was staring in the distance. She continued. "You will try to kill yourself during the first few months. Their screams and faces scrunched in pain will continue to replay every time you close your eyes. Then everything will start to calm down by itself. You won't even notice the subtle changes. After you find yourself calmed down enough you will begin to ease in your surroundings, you will forgive yourself, even be proud for what you have done. However you will feel an itch coming that you can't explain. The itch will slowly take over you and show the horrible things you did in your dreams. But this time you will feel satisfied. The pure adrenaline rush scratches the itch."
I was beyond livid at her words. How can she compare me with herself!
"When you wake up the itch is back and it is killing you from the inside. This time however you have the way to scratch that itch. And thus began my bloody reign."
This time I was disgusted with her. "What I am saying here is I am able to kill easily. And so can you. You and I are completely different but the killing intent is there."
She strode over and poked me in the chest with a sharp finger. "If you help kill that demon I will allow you to leave alive and take your all of your friends' heads. Sounds like a deal?" She put a pale hand forward to shake.
I thought about my Mother with her abuse. I thought about Lucian who loved a wretch like me. I thought about Noelle with her cheerful personality and how she begged me to save her father. I thought about all those other people who had come before me to beg me to bring their loved ones back. I thought about the Claudina who despite everything had stood beside me, loved me more than I loved myself, cherished me and now the same Claudina is making a deal with me.
"Well?"
I shook her hand. She grinned broadly. "Excellent choice!"
Before I could answer, a howl resounded from the castle.
I clamped my hands over my ears. Is that sound even human?!
"Tsk!"
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"My pets couldn't hold the demon for too long. The initial plan was to use you as bait."
"BAIT?!"
"But the plan has changed. I attack it and you cover me. When I have managed to pin it down you will seal it back again. A simple plan for a simple Mouse, won't you agree?"
I signed. "The plan is simple indeed but my man-"
She gently placed her hand over my head. An explosive surge of mana filled my body. She still had a mana reserve like this!?
She handed me a dagger.
I nodded. I quickly stripped off heavier and flowing clothing like my cloak, sash, vest and white robes over gold grabs until I am left in my shirt and long skirt. I cut it short and made a slit in between them using the dagger.
"Wearing protective chainmail?" She sounded surprised.
"You can never trust anyone other than yourself."
"Guess the temple is not all that. Assassination attempts I presume. No wonder you are still not the queen at 29 years old. Or maybe because you still look like a child. You have no appeal."
My cheeks burned. "Currently we are in a life and death situation! Let's save the jokes for another day."
"Of course. After all we were only able to talk like this while the demon is away."
Loud flapping of wings and a loud thud announced the arrival of the demon.