Saturday afternoon. The rain falls from the sky in torrens. Theres no sign of stopping, from 2 pm until almost evening. Bright and I were in the Mall when an incoming call rang.
Ida, my sister. Asking me to pick her up at the Commuter Stop. She works and lives in Jakarta. She often stays overnight during the weekend at my house, in an independent city in East Jakarta.
I called Bintang. "Where are you?"
"Why?"
"Please get Ida at the bus stop, then come here to the Mall. Bright and I were here. It's been heavy raining we can't go home on a motorbike."
"Wait." Answer the voice shortly.
Not long after, Bintang's car appeared and stopped at the back of the Mall. Bright got into the car; her aunty, Ida, was already there.
I drove our motorbike home. It wouldn't possible to take over the car, I know that Bintang won't be driving the motorbike in the rain. Such a request would be a waste of time.
***
There is a saying women are created from a man's rib; I've considered maybe Bintang doesn't have a rib. I accept and never ask for what my husband can't give.
Wearing a coat and helmet, I hurriedly rode my motorbike through the pouring rain late afternoon. The wind was blowing hard to make the motor shake frequently. And the heavy rain flooding the potholed road made me have to hit the brake often and turn around a few times. Luckily the streets were quiet, and I get home safely, along with Bintang driving the car behind me.
An airplane flew by far above. Even when it was raining, with a helmet on my head, I could still hear the sound of the plane along with the chilly afternoon wind and rain.
I took off my helmet and looked up at the sky, I couldn't see anything. But the sound of airplane engines did not go away in my ears. I don't know if it's the engine sound or just the sky rumbling.
Maybe hallucinations.
***
I've been susceptible to the sound of airplanes lately. Even though it's far away, my ears seem quite sensitive to the sound of an airplane engine.
I like to guess, what kind of plane is up there. Where do they want to go? I like Scandinavian the most... ah I miss boarding, looking for a seat number accompanied by an inflight advertisement movie, just like when I was on a business trip.
In the night, while drying clothes, I heard another rumbling sound above. Again the sound of airplane engines. I don't know, as if there is no other sound in my ears other than the sound of the plane.
I sort out the laundry from the hanger while looking up at the sky. Many stars were scattered above, but there was one that twinkled. That must be the light of a flying plane. How high is it? Miraculously the engine sound can still be heard here, I thought.
Ahh... I miss flying.
***
Bintang just got home past 1 am early in the morning. His eyes were red. Went straight to the bedroom.
"Mas, changed first, your shirt. Wash your hands and feet." remind me slowly.
But apparently, Bintang was too tired to wake up. He fell asleep quickly.
In silence, I stare at his face. There is always a deep sense of pity whenever I see that sleeping face.
No matter how Bintang's behavior always provokes emotions, it's only pity and pity will exist in the end. Even if sometimes I get pressed to scold him, I will regret my anger and return to pity feeling and forgive him.
I accept Bintang as he is and hasn't given up on loving him.
I lay down on the shoulder of the man. In reflexes, he changes his sleeping position with his back to me.
I hugged him from behind. I can't close my eyes. A song sounded low, playing from the television in the living room that had not been turned off.
Boulevard of broken dreams, Green day.
***
I feel like my world is slowly dragging me down. I try so many ways, it seems luck is playing hide and seek with me. It's like being in a maze, moving forward and back only to find the end dead end, the door closed. I felt like I was working alone in that ship called a household.
It's hard to build communication with Bintang. I always think deeply about what else need to do to improve the situation. While it is impossible to expect others to change, all I can do is change myself. Change how I behave and react.
Of course, it is not easy, because we meet every day. Every day was seen. As an ordinary human, there are times when I feel very bored with mundane conditions.
***
"Mas, it's been a long time. I've never traveled; my blood feels frozen. Let's go out, just walk around." asked me on one occasion at his Shophouse.
"Traveling? It's not interesting, and I'm not interested," said Bintang briefly.
"Well, it is me who wants to travel." Persuade me.
"You got it! just travel yourself!."
"Okay then... Give me the money." my joke.
"Who wants to travel? Ask me for money?"
"You're right, you're my husband, or shall I ask my boyfriend?" I continued half joking.
"Just ask your boyfriend." Unexpectedly, Bintang answered quickly.
"You're my only boyfriend."
Bintang pretends to be busy.
"Oh, I see. So it means you don't want to give money to me, huh?" I'm curious.
"Traveling is not important for me," explained Bintang strictly.
"But it's important to me. Travel is my breath."
"Not something to be proud of."
"It's not something to be proud of; traveling is to be enjoyed."
Silence.
"Alright. Maybe it is too expensive. Let's go out and watch the movie; I desperately need refreshing."
"I don't like movies."
"It's me asking your companion."
"Busy"
"When did you not busy?"
Bintang silent
"I'ts about priority."
"Think about anything else. Apart from traveling, watching movies."
"I used to."
"Just watch a movie at home. What's so difficult?"
"Watching alone isn't fun either."
"There's Bright," Bintang said firmly.
I silently took a deep breath.
"What time you'll be at home tonight?"
"I don't know."
"What are you busy with... Aren't you tired always get home late?" I tried to dilute the rigid communication.
"Mind your business, so you don't always be suspicious."
"I'm not suspicious, just asking. It's because not easy to contact you when someone looking for you." I said to be patient.
"That's negative thinking again."
"OMG!! Just ensure the right answer if something goes wrong or someone asks."
"Oh, you're smart."
I didn't answer, it was time to stop. If you continue, there will be no end.
"Can we just talk normally? Not cynical."
Bintang didn't respond. Maybe he didn't hear either, perhaps he heard but didn't care.
"Mas, borrow a cell phone," I said then.
"What for?'
"To make a call."
"Where's yours?"
"It's a low bat."
"Wait a minute, want to use it"
It wasn't used before, how come you want to use it all of a sudden?!
Rarely do I borrow a cell phone, once I borrowed it, there were a lot of reasons to run away. What are you afraid of? What is it hiding? What have I been doing all this time?
Bintang dialed a number and left the room to talk to someone.
Long enough.
I just stare at him from inside the room.
An airplane flying high above looks very small. Unblinking, I stared at the dot through the wide-open window. It's strange, how many hundreds of thousands of meters above sea level planes can still hear the engine sound from here. Where my husband and I sit together, but our heart is farther than the distance between me and the plane.
And I got up and left the place without saying goodbye. Along with the sound of the plane's engine disappearing. And out of nowhere, suddenly the song is heard again
I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone
Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, aah-ah
Ah ah ah ah ah ah
I walk alone
I walk a...
****
Boulevard of broken dream - Greenday