Since separating from Bintang, Bright moved schools and was living with her grandmother in hometown. Parents must be happy to have their grandchildren with them, I thought, and I can go home to see them often.
But sometimes good intentions don't necessarily lead to good results.
Mom called in tears telling that Bright didn't come home last night, carrying a suitcase leaving the house.
"Ibu only told, please ask your boyfriend to dress politely. It is not good to see a boy wearing short pants; it's might better if the shorts are below the knee; it's above the knee. That's disrespecting Bright. Ibu doesn't want to see my granddaughter disrespected." In a deep voice holding back heavy emotions. "Also, It is not good to always come home late, we live in the village, and later neighbors will be gossiping. Am I wrong saying so?"
"Well... bu, just calm down. Bright might stay at Tania's house," I said soothingly.
I was surprised indeed and never thought that Bright would behave that way. Bright is not naughty; she never troubled her parents. She had only been living with her grandma for a while and dared to leave the house.
I knew my mom, it was not merely for the sake of Bright goodness, but she was afraid of being judged.
I called Bright. Sure enough, she was at Tania's house. I said that what grandma said was all for the sake of her good. "Even if you think Mbah*) is angry, it's better to be scolded by Mbah rather than anyone else," I try to mediate.
"It's better to be scolded by someone else, mama. We can fight back!" Bright replies fast. "Anyway, I don't want to return home if mama doesn't come!"
I was stunned to hear her words.
***
Throughout the history of my life as a child, never been in my life dictionary to behave against my parents. So are our younger siblings. Everyone complied. Maybe because the father is also strict.
Ibu, an emotional and soft-hearted person, easily cries when something is not according to her wishes, so we mind her feelings too.
All my life, from childhood to adulthood, I harbored my mad and anger to protect my mother's feelings.
I couldn't vent my anger as Bright vented her displeasure by leaving the house. It turned out to be the answer to my anxiety all this time.
***
I often ask; God, Don't You say that good woman are for good men and vice versa? I think I'm good enough because You certainly never doubt my parent's ability to raise me to become a good person. But why, in reality, the results are reversed? My life sucks!
I study hard, work hard, always carry out all religious orders, and never do anything that violates the norms. Why did I get a husband who made me suffer?
After thinking for years, I asked but found no answer other than the belief that life is a test and all I have to do is be patient, and there will be beauty in time. Finally, God allowed me to find the thread through Bright.
It turned out that the answer was buried deep down in my soul. I bottled up all my anger and my resentment toward my parents from childhood to adolescence. I couldn't argue back. I only protested in my heart, And it turned out that this made me like eating a 'simalakama' fruit. Because even though the intention was good, preserving my parents' feelings, I still received the punishment.
I silently suppressed everything I thought this was a form of devotion to my parents but it turned out to be the source of my trouble all of this time that cause me to receive punishment for being a disobedient child.
So is this what they called, Karma? This is what Sin feels like.
***
I thought karma is the punishment for an extraordinary crime, like what Malin Kundang*) did to his mother, kicking her out of the house and not wanting to admit it.
I ever think that karma was a lousy thing our ancestors did, which consequently passed on to their great-grandchildren. I was punished for the sins of my ancestors we never knew existed.
It was not. It doesn't have to be that bad of a concept.
Even trivial things such as eating matters that grunge me over the years can make me a disobedient child who receives the punishment; it doesn't take long in this world.
***
Anger is a form of energy. The anger energy is buried in my soul. And I just found out this is how LOA works.
If the anger in my soul has a personality, it will manifest in the form of a person that happens to be named Bintang. Bintang is a manifestation of the anger burry in my soul. Bintang has the perfect qualifications to draw out all my anger. My pent-up anger was perfectly manifested in a person called Bintang.
It's not Bintang's fault. I'm the one who pulled him into my life.
As above so below, what happens in the outer world, Bintang is a projection of what is the inner world.
It turns out that I am married to my anger, married to my bad feelings, my feelings of pity, and inadequacy, I am married to negativity and an inauthentic me.
When the disease has been discovered, it is easier to treat it. When the source of the hidden suffering has been found its origin, it becomes easier to conquer. Like a thief who is caught red-handed, it's up to us how we want to treat him. Are we willing to allow ourselves to lose and continue to be victims, or take control, free ourselves from suffering and create happiness?
***
Divorce is something that God does not like. But God also said, if bad things happen to you, it is because of you and you alone. One thing is for sure, God must want me to be happy.
Now that I have realized and decided, I choose separation with God's permission.
I decided to divorce with feelings, thoughts, and all things disturbing the soul's peace. I separated from my anger, pity, and bad feelings.
Bintang is just like a black sheep.
I forgive Bintang as he might just be a scapegoat sent by the universe to fulfill my subconscious request. I release him out of my life, I allow misery and its source to go away from my life.
Because the sadness is enough. I must end this suffering, It is a Pity the character who becomes 'I' or a girl named Luna or whatever her name is if she has to grieve for a long time. Now is the time to be happy. Now I am a little God for my own story.
Now all of these sucking experiences have no power over me anymore.
I forgive all the past and everything,
I release all the burden
and I let them go...
***
"Just leave it there, Nduk, no need to wash it, let Ibu wash it later..."
I was stunned to see my mom leaving the dining table carrying the dirty dishes while saying so.
Apparently, she was so programmed with her words that when she washed the dishes herself, she unconsciously said the same thing she say to me when I'm about to wash the dishes.
I accompanied mom chatting at the dishwasher. Mom rinsed the dirty dishes after soaping them with used water collected in a basin. After she discarded the water in the basin, she turned on the faucet to rinse the dishes one last time, and she put the empty basin under the faucet to collect the water from the last rinse of the dishes. The water from the last rinse was used to wash the next dish.
Mom's orderliness sometimes makes me impatient.
"When Ibu was a child, we had to draw water from a well that was tens of meters deep, so deep until you could only see a small circle on the surface of the well. And the bucket was so heavy, we had to repeatedly draw manually every time washing dishes, clothes, and bathing, so Ibu treasured every drop of drawn water."
My eyes spontaneously glazed over.
She doesn't want her children in trouble as she used to be, so she makes every effort to make her child's life easy; she wants the difficulty to stop within her and not to pass it down to her children.
I do feel the love of our parents so deeply. Behind the noise they created there is a noble purpose, I would never pay off their love and devotion. She was just talking, and even then it was for my own good, and I silently complained all the time. I probably wouldn't have forgiven myself,
if happen one day she had stopped speaking up all time...
And I haven't surrendered to the situation... didn't accept the condition as it is.
I imagine that one day she, we all will shut up forever...
***
I forgive myself, for not being patient with myself, for repeating mistakes over and over again, for the wrong choices frequently made, for the fool, and for the unpleasant thing that happen in my life, I forgive my past and surrender to the moment.
I accept myself and my life unconditionally.
I believe my destiny has already been written in the Big Book before I was born.
I am thankful to God for allowing me to experience all of this so I can share. May others who experienced similar struggles find a common thread and create a way out of their challenge with their own wisdom. Pain, suffering, and struggling are part of life conditions, hence we grow and gain strength to be the best version of ourselves.
***
*) Mbah, nenek, granma
*)Malin Kundang is folklore originating from the province of West Sumatra, Indonesia. The legend of Malin Kundang tells of a child who disobeyed his mother and was therefore cursed to become a stone.
*)Eat simalakama fruit; This proverb describes a person between two difficult choices. Eat the mother dies, does not eat the father dies.