With a jerk, she sat up in her bed, her chest heaving up and down rapidly as if she'd just run a mile. Discomfort ran through every nerve in her body. Her chest felt heavier than ever as she lay her palm where her heart resided and clutched it as if her life depended on it.
The headache her brain was suffering through made it even harder for her to process her feelings. The soft mattress under her hand felt warm, but sitting on it made it feel even worse. Her heart felt like it was about to burst from anguish.
She had gone through moments such as these, but they had never been as severe as this one.
Panic attacks.
Her lips felt dryer than ever as she slid her bare feet to the cold floor and shivered. Every muscle in her body was protesting against any movement as her brain malfunctioned and nothing made sense anymore.
'Why am I still breathing?'
'I deserve to die...'
Breathing felt like the most difficult task to do as she gulped in oxygen like a starved person.
'No, no, please make it stop...'
Her hands were back to her head as she clutched her hair tightly in her fingers and tugged harshly. Sweat coated her neck as she gulped, feeling the ruggedness of her throat more prominently than ever. Several bottles of water couldn't make that dryness go away...
The voices in her head, louder than ever, pounded through her skill, filling every inch of her brain with their sounds. If drowning would make the voices go away, she would gladly go and do it right now.
Tugging her hair wasn't helping, her focus drifted off to her skin which she pinched and squeezed severely, but the small nip of pain was nothing compared to the ache that was spreading through her whole body.
Her feet made a small amount of friction against the wooden floors as she paced and stopped in front of a wall. Something inside her wanted to hit the bricks, but she stopped when nausea spread through her throat, creating a bitter taste in her mouth.
She was going to be sick definitely. Her throat itched with the urge to vomit, but she only choked on air instead as beads of water rose to her eyes.
Glazed orbs.
Heavy breaths.
The uncontrollable urge to take a mirror and smash her fist in it.
The desire to plunge her face into the depths of that bathtub and never look up again.
'I killed them, I killed them, I killed them—'
'My fault, all my fault, why am I still breathing!'
No, she needed a distraction. Her shaky pupils darted around as she stumbled toward the bathroom and almost gasped out when she looked at herself in the mirror.
Her face was a structure of bones. Nothing but hollow cheekbones, pale lips, and sunken brown eyes with no life inside them.
Hopeless.
Running a hand through her hair, she turned on the tap and watched as water tumbled down into the marble white sink. Splashing some on her face, she braced her hand on the sink and tried to deny the horrible urge to scream.
Somebody would hear.
He would listen and come running here. He would end up dying because of her if she got too close...
Blundering back, she threw her fists towards the marble wall and hissed as the pain in her chest spread over to her brain. It wasn't helping, and the wish to puke out everything was unmanageably strong.
"I'm sorry Papa..." she whispered as she smacked her hands on the sink and continued punching.
"You were right..."
Punch.
"I should never have been born..."
The mirror cracked once again as shards of glass fell into the sink. The sight of the broken mirror brought back memories, memories that added to the panic and only made her want to yell even louder.
"Stop it!"
The voices in her head didn't end, continuing to blame her and increasing the pressure in her chest that had become excruciating now.
Her hand wanted so badly to pick up that broken piece of glass that represented her life perfectly. And whoever tried fixing that glass, would only hurt themselves in the process of piecing her back together.
Her sobs echoed throughout her room as she walked out on shaky legs and fell on her knees on the hard wooden floor. Burying her face in her knees, she screamed in the lowest voice possible, trying to minimize the sound as much as she could.
'You're the reason this war is going to happen...' the voice in her mind whispered, and she shook her head, trying to reject the statement.
"No..."
'He's gonna die because of you... all because you will never be strong enough... you're a fraud. You always have been.'
'You never had authentic parents, no true love, any genuine past, no true nothing...'
'You're alone...'
'As you always will be.'
Hyperventilating, she shut her eyes tighter, never wanting to open them again. Her skull ached with the pressure in every part of her body, she desperately needed to silence the thoughts in her head. She was sweating vigorously, the room filled with silence and pain and nothing but the sounds of her feet rubbing against the wooden floors.
Again and again...
"It should've been me, not them... I don't deserve happiness... I should never have survived in the first place..." she kept muttering as she rocked her body back and forth continuously.
It felt as if she was stuck in a loophole, unable to get out and stop. Her mind and heart had given up, leaving her vulnerable to that buried abyss within her that only wanted to lock her inside forever.
Just like they did...
'Maybe I deserve to be locked up...'
The feeling you get when you know you're stuck in your head, with no keyhole and no key to use to flee.
No escape.
No windows.
No doors leading out.
Only darkness...