I received a call from a company in Cape Town and I had to start work, immediately. The first day at work took some adjusting from my side. While everyone was enjoying the summer days in January, I had to work, but I did love working in the front office. I lost contact with my friends as well, because they went back to school. I had grown up quite fast over the last year and even had a job now. I decided to move out and into the garden flat at my grandparents. My Mom playing mother hen again and I loved the attention.
Being an adult, or at least the feeling that I was one, made me take part in our Friday teambuilding, or excuse for drinking, at work. Before I knew it, I was looking forward to Fridays. I often came home on a Saturday still drunk, which put a strain on my mother. I knew that I was not supposed to drink and I also knew her concern, but what was a guy to do when his life was just pulled out from under him and there was no light ahead, anymore. It seemed like just yesterday I had a career as a runner and now I was the centre point of pity, because cancer was my life sentence. I had a beautiful girlfriend with beautiful memories for a lifetime, but now I was nothing. So what was the use of it all? I was already going to die, so why live in safety? To top it all, I felt so old with everything happening to me.
Sleeping my drunken arse off in hospital after I had a seizure again, sucked big time. Out of guilt and not wanting my family's emotional outbursts, which made me feel trapped, I booked myself out of hospital.
I sent my mother a text: 'don't visit me at hospital, Ma because I booked myself out. I will see you later, so don't worry. I just need time to think.'
Everything seemed to cave in on me. The only place that appealed to me was our meeting place at the mall. I needed to go there and think. I walked my feet full of blisters but just needed to feel young again. Nothing was working. I still had this feeling, even though I was surrounded by people of my age. As I turned to exit the mall, I almost walked into the Peters family and made a quick turn in the opposite direction so as not to be seen. Sam unfortunately, did see me and the shock in seeing me here got to her.
I, in turn, saw how thin she had become, and I was wondering what these people were doing to her, our eyes met. I saw her speak to her father, almost like she was asking permission to go into the small handbag shop while they walked on. I knew this was a sign to follow her.
I was sweating as I walked into the shop like I did many years ago when we first noticed each other. Sam's voice was full of emotion, low and husky, making me feel for her but I am stubborn. I had thought that she had chosen not to make contact until I realised again today that they still have a hold over her. She spoke first.
'Jordi, I need to talk with you.'
'What happened to calling me, Sam?'
'Please meet me at our usual place. Let me go look for my parents and ask them if I could watch a movie. Let's do any movie that is playing in the next few minutes.'
I gave in again, still the pathetic old me.
The movie had already started and I was so cross because I was working now and would have loved to at least pay to watch a real movie, rather than look for an excuse to meet. At last she came in and before I could say anything, she kissed me and just like that, all feelings of numbness disappeared. I kissed her back as though it was the only lifeline I had.
'I have missed you, Jordi. You would not believe how much! Before you ask, my dad found your phone while I was talking to you and broke it right in front of my eyes. He even told me to tell Abby to stop calling and that she is not welcome our house anymore.'
'What do they have on you Sam? You are over eighteen.'
'They threatened me with what they can do to you. I am doing an internship at my dad's company, so now it is going to work with him in the morning and coming home with him.'
'Well, I am living with my mother and have a job. I am still waiting on the word to come and save you.'
'I do need saving. All the time, Jordi, but you will be in so much trouble.'
'I can't believe a girl that always took so many risks, is so afraid now. Is it that you don't really love me? That is the only answer that comes up every time I think about it. Maybe, you have played me, Sam.'
'If that is what you are thinking, Jordi, then maybe I am better off without you. I think I made a mistake coming, I am such a fool.'
I drove the knife into her even deeper because I am hurting and wanted her to feel it too.
'Maybe, you did make a mistake coming'.
I got up, leaving the woman that I love behind, realising she would be better off without me in any case. My heart bled on the way home and I almost got thrown off my scooter. Why was I so stubborn and childish when it was her suffering more because of me? How could I be so stupid? I turned the bike around and hoped I was not too late. I knew she loved me, but would she take a chance on me again? I was an idiot that only got a wake-up call when it was almost too late. I walked back into the cinema, annoying the few people watching the boring movie.
Sam was still there, silently sobbing. I let her sob a bit longer because I was clueless as to how to fix this. I had done it to her after all. I broke her heart even though she was putting everything on the line for me. I picked her up and put her on my lap, with her feet comfortably on the other seat, while I let her cry her heart out and I tried to rub the shaking away.
'Sam, I am so sorry for hurting you. Please, forgive me! I am really an idiot questioning your love for me when you were the one who took so many chances on me. I really don't know why you still do it when all I gave you, is trouble.'
After a while, she answered me.
'Don't you ever walk out on me again, Jordi. This was by far the worst punishment I have ever faced in my life. I felt so cold, deep within.'
I tried to bring the warmth back by rubbing her and keeping her close.
'Jordi, I am going to tell you something that I have kept secret for a very long time. Maybe, it will give you some understanding. When you left, my mother came home and defended me. For that she was beaten to a pulp. He was a crazy bastard Jordi, I could not get him away from her and he, accidently hit me so hard it felt as though my jaw had cracked. I pleaded with my mother to come with me and open an assault case against him as I usually do, but as always, she blamed herself for standing up to him, so I left it. That evening I heard this strange struggling sound and I knew he was abusing her in some way that I can't get my mother to talk to me about. She could not even get herself out of bed the next morning. I cannot just leave, Jordi. He will kill her, taking all his frustration with us, out on her.'
I was sitting there tearing up at the brutality Sam had been exposed to and thinking that with all his faults, my father had never lifted his hand to my mother. But comparing both parents, I had to confess that they were both messed-up and trying to enforce their ways on us.
'Sam, I cannot imagine how your life must be, but I really want you away from that man. If he touches you again, I will kill him, do you hear me? He is a pastor, for goodness sakes. How evil can he be?'
'Very. He will make sure that my mother never have any mark on her to see. That Sunday, my mother was still limping and when a church member asked why, he answered that she had a little accident because she was not careful, and just like that, they believed him. That is how sick my father can be, I tell you. All I can ask, is time for everything to blow over so that maybe he will come to his senses and understand that I can only love you and the more they keep us apart, the more useless their attempts will be nothing will keep me from you, Jordi. My only wish is for my mother to stop being a weakling and stand up to him.'
'I wish I could give you all the time you need, Sam, but I have to make decisions too and it could rip everyone in my family apart. I am telling you this because I somehow need you to understand. Sam, I love you so much and my greatest wish is for you to consider moving on. Maybe, your father is right. I may not be the man for you. So, go live your life and be happy too, Sam. You are getting way too thin and making me worry about you. A question Sam I were to die in a week's time, would you still have loved me or allowed me to sleep with you? Or maybe I must give you time to think about it.
Here is my phone, please keep it on silent and out of your dad's way. I will call you every night at ten. That is if only you still want to be with me, okay? I need your answer for me to make a few changes and decisions of my own with regards to my life. It is important that you answer truthfully.'