My exercise routine had come down to just slow, walking. I had been told not to run and that got to me, but even that I became used too. I couldn't believe how my life had changed in such a short space of time. Sometimes, it even felt like I didn't have cancer at all, and I wanted to believe it. At other times I had bouts of vomiting or no appetite, but was forced by great forces, called the women in my life, to eat. These forces could make me do things even though I didn't like it.
I carried on working as much as I could, and one day went for lunch with Abby during break-time. She said that she was also going to move in at our grandparents when on study break because dad had his new young girlfriend over all the time and she kept arguing with her when she was at home.
'I'm sure mom will love it, Abby.'
'I can't believe you are a married man. A person who is my junior, and to one of my besties!'
'Oh, come on, Abs, you know it was not me who started this dating thing. It was Sam! But I am happy she did. It is a pity that I could not stay at school and have bragging rights. Talking about school, you're lucky you still have friends. All my friends left when they found out that I have cancer.
You know my bestie is almost like dad, thinking that I will die the moment they come too close, or ask how I am. That is still okay in my opinion. What affects me most ... is the I am so sorry or shame conversations. It is bloody awful when people just don't know what to say. Well sis, I am over friendships! Life is just way too short to worry about them not being around me. Hey, I cannot believe how the two of us, who used to fight about everything, are having adult conversations right now and it seems like so long since we had our last fight.'
Abby laughed as we reminisced over our silly fights. The day passed by as per usual it happened to be drinking spree day, or should I say 'team-building day.' At first, I refused to drink, but after looking like a total loser I had a few and before I knew it, had enjoyed alcohol to the fullest. I drank even more when the evil voice in my head told me that I needed those fun times. Being in it, felt so good because I missed just being young and free. As I drank, the worries of death and the awful limitations to my already short life, seemed to fade. I came home in the early hours of the morning to find my mom and Sam sleeping in my flat. No matter how hard I tried not to make a noise, the more noise I seemed to make.
My mother just looked at me and said: 'Go sleep your smelly drunken arse off, Jordan. I will speak with you when you are sober,' my mother scolded. I repeated what she said.
'And I you. For now, go to your house Mother, I need to speak to my wife.'
That made her angry. She banged the door closed on her way out, just for effect.
'What is it with women and banging things to get attention?'
'I will bang something called your head, in for attention! Please, just go sleep your shit off, Jordi.'
'You are not my mother, Sam, so please!' She walked away and left the words hanging in the air. I turned to the diary for comfort.
' I did not speak with you out loud, Son, because I am very drunk, but I have never forgotten about you or your mom. I just wanted to be young and have fun for once. You will know real soon what I mean, but just know that I love you, okay? '
I passed out but remembered the words when I woke up in the afternoon. I got up from the floor and saw that I was made comfortable right there where I slept. I looked at Sam who was very quiet, but not upset. I walked to the bathroom first because I was embarrassed. I couldn't even face my own smell. When I returned, I pulled Sam roughly into my arms because if I did it tenderly, she may just deny me and I was not up for that. I kissed her with so much passion that she gave in. Looking at her face and the marks imprinted from my beard, made me feel bad. She knocked me hard against my chest.
'Just let me know where you are, Jordi, so that I don't worry.'
I could only ask for her forgiveness and tried to soften my apologies with kisses. I told her that it would not happen again, but she put her fingers on my lips.
'I am fine as long as you tell me, Jordi.'
I promised and walked straight to my diary where I saw the entry, she had made on behalf of me.
I couldn't pretend that I didn't remember the night before and couldn't imagine how people could say they were too drunk to remember. I was drunk, and I do remember even the stuff I said to her, which must have hurt.
'Sam, I am sorry for what I said this morning. It must have hurt and thank you for the diary entry. You somehow support me through it all, even though all I give you, are problems.'
'Jordi, I can't tell you what to do, but you need to take care please. What if something had happened to you last night? Would your last moment be with people that are only good to you when you party, or with people that you love?'
That totally shook me, and I could have kicked myself.
'All I was thinking about, was being free, without any worries for once. I was so selfish.'
'You can have freedom, Jordi, but don't be irresponsible. You could have been killed in an accident. You could not even stand on your own feet this morning and then you still drove.'
I couldn't believe how time flew. A couple of months ago Sam was just a thin girl; now she was this blooming young pregnant wife packed with wisdom, and whom I adore. I pulled her towards me and asked why I am always the lucky one.
'Have any regrets, yet?'
'You are stuck with me, buster! Just deal with it.'
I lifted her top and started talking to the both.
'Jordan, don't ever drink and be irresponsible like your daddy, because you don't want to make mommy sad like I do. I am sorry for leaving you and mommy alone and partying with people that just want a nice time. I would much rather be right here. You two are my peace.'
I gave him a kiss and just like that he kicked against my hand. When I moved it to the other side to make sure I hadn't imagined it, he did the same on that side too. No one could understand the feeling of ecstasy inside me. It brought on tears and I put my head on my wife's belly while talking to our child and trying to hide that I was sniffing away, but I was caught out.
She pulled me towards her.
'You have the most beautiful eyes when drenched in tears.'
'Sam, it was the moment that radiates through them. I cannot describe this feeling I have. Let's just go.'
We took a train to Muizenberg. We walked until we couldn't anymore and then sat down on one of the benches. The tranquility that surrounded us; the beautiful clouds and the sea, came just about closest to explaining the feeling I had inside.
'Thank you, Sam for making life beautiful for me.'