"My father was right when he said you are a piece of shit."
"Well your father can go fuck himself."
"The same way you fucked Mel and impregnated her." She looked at me, no longer frantic. Rather done, despite the overwhelming amount of tears spilling out of her eyes, she looked more than fed up, she looked done with me, this situation, my bullshit and our marriage.
"Viv I am sorry, please just listen, I am not the ..."
"I am not listening to anything you have to say. I am going to be moving on, moving out. I just do not understand why you would do this. Is it because I am infertile and cannot give you an heir? Faidon, I have done nothing but love you, love our marriage. I stuck with you for 3 years you stuck with me through everything unfortunately this is our breaking point. I need to breathe, this marriage, you, it is all suffocating me. I will never be Adila. I have lost so much of myself dignity and trust for you, a worthless piece of shit."
"You did not think I was worthless piece of shit a couple nights ago, when I was making you bite into my shoulder blade. Viv, please listen to me, I did not knock Mel up and why aren't you mad at her, she is the one who seduced me. You do not think this marriage is also not suffocating me? You think all of your bullshit also doesn't weigh on me? I am not a worthless piece of shit, I am your husband who did fuck up, but did not impregnate a lonely, jealous, immature girl called Mel. I am your husband who does not give a single thought to the idea of reproducing or producing an heir of any sort. I married you knowing I could never expect an heir and I have proven that to you on multiple occasions so do not pull that card when you and I experienced... I loved you when I married you. Things got rocky since our marriage but I am here Viv and I am your partner so just listen for God's sake." My voice becomes desperate and scratchy.
"Fuck you. Sign the divorce papers when they do come. This will be the last time you see me. My dad will come by for all my belongings." The last of her tears drying up on her cheek. I am an asshole, she deserves better. I have been an awful husband. I have tried to be a good one but I fucked that up too. I cannot apologize anymore. I need to let her go, sign the papers and make this a painless process for her. I do not want this to end like this, because I have put so much into this dysfunctional marriage, I have lost too and she will not even listen to me. I know I am a wreck but do I not deserve to be heard, to be listened too? I want to yell at her, chain her and tell her that we made a commitment but it is time to let go, time for us both to get some form of happiness. She opens up the door of the apartment and walks out. She does not look back. She says nothing and I feel my conscious fall to the pit of my stomach. The guilt of everything I have done in the past years has been consuming me but this feeling, this gutting, nauseating feeling of pure guilt and disgust for myself is everything I deserve. I abhor myself, my actions and infidelity. I want to get drunk, I want to smoke and drink myself into oblivion, I want to go to a club, I want to get high. I want to forget. I want to escape my transgressions. Every sin I omitted has come back to bite me in the ass. I can no longer use the excuse of I was an abused boy, with no love because since then I have been offered nothing but love, unconditional love, I have grown, become an entrepreneur at the fine age of 23 but I have sabotaged and ruined everyone who offers me love because I am incapable of accepting love. It is only sunset but I need to sleep. I need to take some sleeping pills and sleep. These 5 years have made me realize that no amount of money could ever busy love or the feeling you get when you begin falling, tumbling and insanely rolling for someone. I take the pills and it does not take long before they start to kick in. I do not care that Mel is pregnant. Why? That baby is not mine. Mel sleeps around with so many men, and I only slept with her twice. I fucked her for the first time in six months and she miraculously is pregnant with my baby. No I did not cheat on my wife, intentionally. Mel is just a professional, powerful seductress and I am a horny man who, whenever is inebriated, never ever questions his actions especially when his dick feels a twitch. Also Viv and I prior to that hadn't had sex in a while, hell I stopped counting how long it had been since she and I had been intimate. All I know is I had a very bad case of blue balls. I did not go find some hooker, I did not because I actually care for my marriage and the women I married. I thought I would let our marriage play out and it did, really badly. I should also tell you I slept with Mel 6 months before the supposed pregnancy. That was also the first time I slept with Mel since my marriage to Viv. Viv was out that morning, she had an interview. Mel stopped by unannounced. She made herself comfortable, not comfortable like kick your shoes of and lie on the couch and flick through the TV channels, comfortable as in lie in Mel and I's bed, strip naked, touch my balls. I rejected her. Tried to push her off. Tried to leave the room and apartment but I was not successful. Mel and I stopped having sex around this time too. Viv and I hadn't had sex for more than six months. Mel was the only person I slept with in that time period. Jesus, Faidon, why the fuck did you have to think with your balls. My brain hurts, my eyes feel heavy, maybe I should sleep. I know that this last year with Viv and I's marriage has not been easy but I did not think or ever expect it to end like this. I mean we both did do some stupid shit in our marriage, we put our marriage in jeopardy multiple times but we stuck through it all. We rekindled our attraction and forgave each other, we worked through all our problems for three years just to go down the damn drain. I guess this time we both grew tedious of our routine and the supposed pregnancy of her supposed best friend whom I did not impregnate is too much of a strain for our marriage. I wish it did not end so messily, but which divorce is not messy? There are so many regrets regarding this marriage, the way I treated Viv, some of the things I told her. Thanks to this failed marriage I have rules for my next marriage, if I remarry. Maybe in my mid 30's. God, why did I end up here? Why did I have to marry Viv so young, then too for a child that died. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate my situation. Also I need to buy a smaller apartment. Now that I am a bachelor again, I cannot be living in such a large apartment. Maybe I should buy a bigger apartment, have some fun, be a typical dude in his 20's. My eyes are really getting heavy. I need to sleep.
"wake up?" someone yells.
"Fuck, close the curtain's!" my eyes slowly began to open as the bright rays of the sun make it's way into my room. Mic is opening the bloody curtains.
"Mic, close the curtain's!" I weakly scream.
"you got Mel pregnant? What the hell. What happened to trying again, for the sake of yours marriage?"
"Firstly, I did not get Mel pregnant. Secondly I am glad my marriage is over, Viv deserves better, hell I deserve better. Thirdly, close the damn curtain's."
"It is 1 in the afternoon, wake up. So you did not sleep with Mel?"
"I did sleep with her, twice while married to Viv and multiple times before the marriage."
My eyes finally open, and all I can see is Mic disapprovingly shaking his head.
"It has been 3 years since Adila... Why can you not let it go?" He cautiously asks.
"This has nothing to do with her. It has been 3 years, you said it."
"Stop lying to yourself. Stop lying to me."
"She's gone, what do you want me to stop lying about."
"Faidon, I am your brother, we grew up together, we banged the same women, we done the same shit, but I haven't fallen in love yet nor have I lost the person I love, my best friend but you have and you have not healed from that you instead escaped whatever it is that you felt."
"Do not go there."
"Listen to me! I have been avoiding having this talk with you for the past 3 years. I have let you go with the flow, you brushed of anything and everything I have ever said but you need to listen this time round."
"What could you possibly tell me that I do not already know, I fucked up I know that. What more is there to say? "
"Fight. You hit rock bottom, get up. You always fought, whether it was us being rebellious or you shouting to the world the truth, you did something, now you are wasting away. You do not want to hear this but you screwed up. you lost a lot of people and loosing a lot of them is a good thing but you lost Adila too. You need to come to terms with the fact that she is gone, but in order to figure out the next step or take a next step, you need to forgive yourself. You need to let go, you need to allow yourself to grieve these past three years. You need to realize that in your marriage it was not only you, it was you and Viv. There are two people in a marriage hence both people are bound to make mistakes. It was not only you Faidon, Viv was in the marriage too. I will also vouch that alongside your stupidity she was reckless. You cannot blame yourself for everything that goes wrong in your life, for the people around you reacting and behaving the way they do. Why did you bang Mel?"
"she banged me. I also had blue balls, Viv wouldn't even let me touch her."
"I know your marriage with Viv has been terrible and I guess it is better she ended it but you need to take some control of your life. Just grab my hand and let us start swimming. We will find the shoreline eventually, but for now let me help you stop drowning, please, let me lift this anchor of you. Come live with me. Let us do this together, it has always been us, brothers. Come on, you do not need to escape, get lost in alcohol or music because it takes you further away from yourself and all it does is create more problems. We can instead navigate ourselves to greatness, you are half way there, do not let lechery and past mistakes defeat you. Please, let me be here for you. I am here for you."
I looked at Mic, I could feel the lump in my throat and eyes waiting to erupt, to burst free. It all has happened so fast. Everything, it has been too much and as much as I want to escape I cannot because this debauched life Viv and I led is the biggest reason our marriage ended. I want to get passed this. I want to be better. I want to do better. I want Mic to be here for me. Tomorrow is a new beginning, tomorrow I can start a fresh. Today is already over, today I have drowned but tomorrow I will conquer all my objectives. I have allowed myself to drown for too long, i have delayed myself, my emotions, my life for so long that tomorrow is within my grasp. i can feel tomorrow, I can taste it, it feels real almost tangible. This is not the promise you so often hear procrastinators declare but this is a promise of a broken man. I ha