"So you are telling me that you are trying to remove a girl's bra with one hand?" Adila said with curiosity and laughter gleaming through her eyes.
"Yes, now I need your help?" I declared.
I should also fill you in that after my night of banging two best friends, Adila noticed the next morning. She just did. I apologized again for the jokes I made. She accepted it and apologized to me, saying something of not judging a book by its cover and we all have our own stories. We then met up at break in the library, I mocked her a bit about always being in the bloody library and she mocked me for banging Viv and Mel in one night. I did plant a seed in her head though, told her how beautiful her charcoal black hair looks. She accepted the compliment and hopefully she blushed. Even though it was just me planting a seed in her head, her hair is really, really gorgeous, I have never seen hair as thick as hers or healthy. She and I have sort of become friends. I say sort of because she is simply an asset, a knowledgeable one, an observant one and one whom I do not need to fear. She is also beautiful, loud but beautiful, oh and she is also great company. She is a walking talking text book. My conversations with her are never boring. They are not the simple conversations I have with people or with girls. It is never only about her, she does not speak of her life, she speaks of everything. I love it. It has been two weeks now since being the new boy and it has been amazing. Everywhere i go in this school I am reminded of my Adonis features. Viv has been forcing herself onto me but she is nothing more than a booty call to me. Does she not know that men who are 18 years old do not want a serious relationship? We will also not be having or wanting a serious relationship till we turn 21, or 25 even. My heart is also still with one women and everything she has been through, all the pain I have caused her.
" How could I possibly help you with removing a bra?"
"Lend me yours, or let me practice on you." I boldly stated.
"No, absolutely not!" She immediately retorted.
"Adila, a woman as beautiful as yourself should strive to help others."
"Do you not feel or create a soul tie every time you sleep with someone?"
"Yes, but what does that have to do with anything."
"Tell me about these soul ties."
"What part of soul ties do you not understand? Now help me!"
"Fay, i know what soul ties are but I mean tell me what happens after the one night stand, how do you feel? I will help you once you answer me. "
"Why is this important?"
"It just is." She stammers. I dejectedly reply.
"After you sleep with someone you feel them. Casual sex and one night stands is so much more than sex. Like you said it is a soul tie, whether people agree with it or not. When I have sex with a woman, when she leaves and I go back in the room, her scent still stays on the pillowcase, on the sheets, hell her presence lingers in the atmosphere. When I am inside a woman, it is more than an outlet. That sensual moment when our hips synchronize, our high building up aching to be released , staring at each other, needing each other, till your chest sinks, and limbs fall numb inside each other, with each other, for each other do you realize that it is more than sex, that the release is more than an orgasm it is two souls intertwining. I feel like that all the time, like after they leave, the feeling of sex is not just with me but the woman herself, her essence. Look I do not know how to describe " She looked at me again, saying nothing, silently processing what I said. I cannot believe I gave so much of myself away to her.
"Do you feel them right now?"
I let out a sarcastic laugh and she looks at me unfazed by the absurdity of her question.
"What do you mean feel?"
"I mean if you are having so much casual sex, do you not feel the threads that symbolize the bonds of casual sex or one night stands attaching you to the other person? Do you not feel connected to the person you were inside of? Do you not feel them, attached to them, like they hold some of you, and you hold some of them, and not just for now or in that moment but forever?"
"I would not know, because I have not had a forever. I do think that morality eventually plays a factor and both parties whether it be immediately after the sex or years down the line we all will face regret, guilt, low self-respect as casual sex leads you to live a corrupt life, filled with little to no trust in companion. Will you help me now?"
"Despite knowing all of this you still choose to live the way you do?"
"The way I do? Are you judging me?"
"yes, you know about the repercussions of casual sex yet you indulge in it. Are you not afraid of the consequences, of ending up trapped in the cycle with no way out, with a battered and bargained soul, for some fun?"
" Yes I choose F U N despite knowing the outcome because it is the only thing I have."
"You mean it is the only tangible thing you think you can control? Tell me how long is it going to be until you end up washed up and wasted? Sex, alcohol and smoking is not all you have." She proclaimed. She is certain about her proclamation, but she is naïve and has not faced a single problem. How will she ever know about what I have, what I can control and how I will end up?
"What do I have Adila? I do not have anything and however I end up that will never matter or be of any concern to you."
"You have your bloody self. You have knowledge and experience, a lot of it by the sound of it. However you end up will never be of my concern but as an acquaintance and as a human being I care. I do not care of the delusional possibility that you might end up nowhere, I care because you do not trust yourself enough. That you are gambling away the possibility of greatness."
"Greatness! Stop speaking to me like you know me, stop wasting your words on a person who does not want to hear what you have to say. You know this is the problem with you females, trying to fix everything, deluding yourselves into believing you are the exception, walking around entitled thinking you can fix man when man, I, do not need any fixing. Women like you need to stop prancing around and telling men what to do like it is your prerogative because it is not."
"Women like me, have no problem. I am not trying to fix you, I am not trying to be your exception I am just stating that…"
"That I am wasted potential, that you somehow know me and because I hang out with you. Who are you to me to tell me or state anything? You are nobody to me. Do not act like you know me or my potential if you have never been chained…" I stopped myself mid-sentence before I lost my temper and revealed a part of my soul. Leave it to a woman to ruin your mood, leave it to a woman to nag until she rips your to shreds. Leave it all to women. Before she had time to question me I left the library. I need a smoke. I need to calm myself down. Where can I go to smoke? I cannot be caught. I need Mic. Where can I go to smoke? I need to smoke.
" Down the corridor of the library, turn left, walk down the track field, pass the bleachers and behind this really big sycamore tree you will find the smokers."
Can she leave me alone? How did she know what I was thinking?
"Thanks." I bluntly reply
I walked off and she disappeared. I finally am able to smoke. I hear the bell ring, and I could not care less. I light another and place my earphones in. I close my eyes as I finish of my second cigarette. I need to get high. I need a beer.
"You really did not come to class because of what I said? I am sorry I did not mean to pry into your life, it was not my intention to try and fix you."
I open my eyes and there she is. She is annoyingly clingy, did she have to follow me? This is also why men lose their sanity, sometimes we just want to be left alone, especially when we are upset, we just want to think, breathe and calm down. She comes closer and sits down.
"Sit." She demands
No, why would I listen to you. Just leave you annoying person, Aww you look cute sitting. I wonder what she will look like down on her knees… No, Faidon do not think that far down. She is crazy. We do not want our dick in crazy. Silence, thinking, contemplating, or do we?
"Can you stop being so difficult and just sit."
I am being difficult. Women, not even the devil understands them.
"We are having a Desi night on Saturday. Do you want to come?"
Is she serious? She was ordering me to sit now she is inviting me out.
"A Desi night?"
" yeah, it is a night where brown kids get together, play desi hits, invite other brown friends or just friends and we all vibe, we through colour on each other, we have mehndi and it's just a vibe."
"Why are you inviting me?"
"You said I do not have problems, you implied I have a perfect life, and by the looks of it you have a bad life. So instead of you assuming things about my life why don't I show you my life? You think you are the only one with problems, well you are wrong."
"How is a Desi night going to show me your problems?"
"You will see. If you choose to come."
"You still need to help me unclasp a bra with one hand."
"No."
"Please."
"NO."
"I know you want to do it. Feel my hands run down your spine. Have my fingers trace the outline of your body. I know you want to feel me."
"you are one hell of a spinster."
" I know you want to touch me."
"Yeah I want to touch your hair, feel your rough hands in motion, run my hands along your torso, feel your muscles in their most natural element. I want you."
"you want me."
"I want you so badly."
"I know you are yearning for me."
" Place your hand under my skirt to feel me."
" Are you serious?" I asked surprised with her demand. I set my eyes on her. she looks at me and starts laughing. She is laughing. Do not tell me I have humiliated myself again?
"You did not just fall for that. You fell for that." She clapped her hands together and laughed even harder. I can feel my jaw clenching and my mind loosing it's senses. Any hot man or boy who is admired for his beauty and ability to seduce hates being embarrassed or being flawed and she has embarrassed me as well as mocked my most visible flaw, cockiness. She turns her head to me. Her breathing begins to normalize. She notices the change in my demeanor. Her expression changes.
"I am sorry. I did not mean to mock you. I really did not think you were serious about me wanting you."
"Adila. Please let me practice unclasping your bra with one hand?"
"no."
"I will come to your desi night, I will act the part you want me to act, let people see what you want them to see. Learn Desi culture but I want you to let me practice on your beautiful body."
She takes a moment, to breathe, to hopefully process and accept my proposition.
"What makes you think that I want you to play a certain role, to act a certain way and deceive the people around me?"
"Because you and I are both outcasts. You hide away in that library, you are also rebellious. The difference between mine and your rebellion is that mine receives more attention than yours."
"so you will come?"
"You will let me practice unclasping your bra on you?"
"Why can you not practice on one of your conquests?"
"Are you not objectifying women?"
" They objectify themselves by allowing you access to them."
"This is also why you are an outcast. Only an outcast will notice the things that people included in a circle do, their habits, frequencies and tendencies. Only an outcast categorizes people and objectifies their own breed with a damn good reason."
" you do that too. I see how you choose specific women to sleep with, the vulnerable ones, the ones with no substance, the ones looking for anything easy. You like women like that, that way you can lead you can control."
"Are you saying I am a control freak and a predator."
" Too some extent yes. You do not have much control over your personal life, you would at least like control in your sexual life. you are a predator because inside of you, not too far from the surface you are drowning and sinking with no one to help you breathe, so the only time you breathe, the only time you give your lungs the oxygen they deserve is when you are busy forming soul ties. You are maybe not a predator but another lost male who has had to man up far too early in his life and as a result you are an asshole, a jerk, but at least you are not arrogant and ignorantly uneducated. I am just dying to know what your story is. I mean your story looks deeper the typical parental divorce. Your presence feels intense, heavy, like you have had more handed to you than you bargained for. So what is your story?"
"What is your story? You are beautiful, vibrant, intelligent and have a dark humour, why are you the reject?"
" Do all rejects not have the same reason?"
" Not all the times sometimes one person's reason is deeper, more hurtful."
"You speak of your pain as if it is above others pain."
"Adila you speak of your pain like it is meaningless, hell you avoid it. I have only known you for two weeks and in those two weeks you have questioned me, interrogated me but every time I flip the question you either avoid it or downplay it, you make yourself sound insignificant."
"it is insignificant, I am insignificant. You might just be right, your pain might be more than mines."
" Adila, you would be the perfect prey."
"I would be, but unlike everyone else I can sense your bullshit. "
"Exactly, most people think they can sniff out bullshit but when faced with it, when staring at it in the eyes they cannot separate the truth from deception."
She looked at me and smiled. I also realized that when she is in the sun under its rays her brown skin glows, it emits its on light. Her brown eyes become a shade darker but her pupils seem more relaxed, more vibrant, more alive and jovial under the rays of the sun. She looks immaculate in this light, if only she could loosen her hair. That would be a sight. Faidon, stop romanticizing Adila. Adila, the a's really do take your breath away. Adila, Adila, Adila. Good God, Faidon do not get attached here. There is this comfortable moment of silence. She is also enjoying the sun. the heat of it settling on her skin that will tan, she does not care that she will tan. She looks beautiful. I am watching her, and I cannot stop. I do not like summer or the fervent rays of the sun but the emissions that are released through her enjoyment of the heat makes me wish winter would never come and the sun would stay where it is, time would freeze and we can stay like this forever, companionably alone. Jesus Faidon, you just said companionably alone. You like her. I want to secretly see why she is an outcast, why she is not accepted, because when I look at her I do not see a single flaw, that is a lie considering she annoyed me a couple of minutes ago but I like her. I do not like anyone, I am attracted to them, sexually stimulated by others but never take a liking. She really is like all other women the difference is I am willing to accept her and the entirety of her womanhood. If she does not feel the same I can always continue toying with her.
"Earlier you said women should stop prancing around trying to fix everybody. I am not trying to fix you, just show you that you are more. Those people who broke you, whomever they may be, made you believe less in yourself, they took away a part of yourself and your soul. They took away your confidence, your ability to trust yourself and your own mind. They have made you believe that you have nothing. They could not have been more wrong. You do make questionable decisions but you are not less, you are more. You are everything so many people wish they could be, you have so much in terms of looks, personality, intelligence and experience. Those are all your strengths and super powers why will you not exploit it? I am trying to understand why you would sacrifice your powers for a bunch of empty words. yes I know words are bullets, bullets that leave behind scars like the ones on your arms but you are resilient. The glistening hopelessness shining through in your eyes is your resilience. Do not let those bullets be the reason you waste away, you are not yet a corpse so fight."
That is the most genuine thing anyone has said to me in a while.
"I am not wasting away, I am just…" I cut myself short. What am I doing?" What am I doing? Either I am really vulnerable right now or she is actually affecting me. I need another smoke. I need a lot more than another smoke. NO, do not do that, do not loosen your hair. She loosened her hair. She loosened her hair! Her thick black hair, that smells like coconut. Oh my god! She is hot! Faidon, no! DOWN FAIDON! Quickly, distract yourself and her.
"Did you just bunk a class for me?" I defensively asked
"Not for you, with you, and do not get ahead of yourself, we had an off period."
"Why do you know where the smoker's area is?"
"I just do."
"Do not be vague, Addy, come on"
"I am not being vague, why are you calling me Addy? "
"You call me Fay hence I can call you Addy. Is Addy not better than Aday? But seriously how do you know where students come to smoke? You spend the entirety of your breaks in a library. As the type goes, bookworms are stuck in their fantasies, obsessing over one guy, that they do not pay attention to much, unless it involves their fantasies. Oh shit! You liked someone who was a smoker. Oh shit! Damn now I really need to know the story behind this."
"No, its nothing like that!" She defensively said.
"Were you obsessed with a guy who did not acknowledge you, and you followed him around. Was this guy similar to me? Addy, do you like me." she looked at me, rolled her eyes and smiled. She stood up.
"Where are you going, Addy. You need to tell me your story?" I teasingly asked.
"That is a long story."
"I have time."
"Look the bell is about to ring and I really am sorry for our quarrel. I also do not mean to pry into your life but as the bias goes, women cannot help being nosy. Bye" she tied her hair and walked away.
Does she really expect me to go to a Desi night? Do Brown people really have nights to celebrate their culture? Why don't white people have this? I do not think I will go.