…Lucas POV…
Driving home in dead silence with the rain pounding down on the car, my thoughts are taken back to what happened earlier tonight. Yes, I am a fucking fool for treating Lexi the way I did, not only now but all those years ago. I can make up any excuse no matter how goddamn lame; it will still not make up for the way I broke her heart.
I can honestly say that at this very present moment, I feel what is probably only a glimpse of what she felt. My heart is being sliced open and ripped to shreds. The pain is suffocating; it squeezes every breath of air from my lungs. There is nothing else I want to do now but cry. Lucas Lucero, even as a young boy, has never shed a tear in his entire life.
It is taking such a gorgeous creature as Lexi Rose to bring him down. But it is not truly a complete undoing, for I can say for certain that the love I feel burning in my heart for her is real.
But I have ruined her; I have never in this fucked up Mafia world seen anyone crash and burn the way she did. It is not Lexi; it is not who she is. Lexi would never hurt anyone, let alone lose her temper the way she did tonight.
Is this what I have done to her?
Did I completely break her into pieces the first time?
What have I done?
What the fuck have I done to her tonight?
I could not keep my dick in my pants long enough all those years ago, and I cannot even do it now. Maybe I am not the man that she needs in her life. But she is the woman that I need in mine. If I were not so goddamn proud of my feared reputation, I would have asked her to marry me that night when I came home to an empty house.
But things have changed, and, well, I am not the settling kind. Perhaps not now, but maybe in the future. All I know is that I need Lexi.
So wiping my mind away from all the bad that is chasing me, I find myself finally pulling up in her driveway at her apartment. It seems to be pitch black; I know that Savanah is still at the club; as for Lexi, I am sure that she is probably fast asleep.
I am most definitely the last man that she wants to see now, but this morning, even how fucked up it might sound now, but I promised her that I would see her tonight. Even though I am a fucking lousy boyfriend, I am a man that keeps my word.
Yes, I am fully expecting a raging argument, but I would rather be here and take whatever I deserve than be home alone and worry the whole night if she is at least doing as okay as she can be.
Making my way up the stairs to her apartment feels like the longest walk I have ever taken in my life. My knees are weak and reluctant to make the path to the front door. I know that I need to speak for my actions, but it hurts every time I think of what I have done to her. That part that makes me a man, that goddamn ego that is as big as life, is the only thing that wants me to turn around and head back to the car.
But I force myself; I need to make things right with the woman I know I love.
The moment that I slip the key into the lock, I remind myself that it was a mistake coming here. I doubt that I will be received with welcoming arms. I can see it now; it is clear in my head, I will look a woman in the eyes that have cried for one minute too long tonight. Her mascara will be smudged from all the tears, and among all of that, there will be that anger that boiled over at the club.
Yes, there is a fucked up part of me that is hoping that she has forgiven me. That she has realized that our love is more important than… Ya, I somehow don't see me fucking around being something that she will forget so soon about. After all, she has been holding that pain for all these years, and here I go and scratch the same wound open again.
But that is a wound that I wish to heal as I sneak my way into the darkness of her room. The air is filled with the scent of honey and vanilla. So I slip my shoes off and get rid of my shirt; I won't dare to get naked in the bed with her tonight.
So gently, I lift the sheets and slide in under, but as I shift to the middle of the bed where I normally find her, she is not there. From the bottom of my voice, I whisper, "Lexi, baby doll, where are you?"
After what seems like an endless minute in silence, I get out of the bed and head over to the bathroom. As I flip the switch, the lights come on, but I find the bathroom just as empty as the bed. With nervousness creeping up my spine, I find my way in the darkness to the door to switch the main light on.
As it flickers to light, I am shocked…
Lexi is not here…
I immediately rush to the rest of the house, searching each room in haste; I find it completely empty as well.
Lexi is definitely not around…
There is a force that takes hold of my heart and starts pulling at it in every direction. I feel as if I am about to explode into millions of scattered pieces which is swept by an icy wind into a dark abyss. Those tears that have been threatening to surface start to trickle down like little pearls.
As I rush back to the room in a complete state of panic and confusion, I grab my phone from the dressing table. With tremble fingers that are soaked from my tormented tears, I flip the screen up and dial Lexi's number.
"Fuck!"
There is a chill that runs down my spine as there is nothing but silence on the other side.
The phone is dead…
Lexi is gone…
Then that is when it catches my eye; on the pillow where she would normally lay, there is a white envelope. As I take it in my hands, I can see my name is neatly written on it in her very own handwriting.
The tears start flowing freely as the sobs take hold of what was left of my restraint. With trembling lips, I pull the white paper from the envelope. Slowly unfolding it, my heart breaks, and it breaks with a grand explosion.
With unsteady knees, I sit back onto the bed and softly speak as I start to read,
"Lucas,
I could've never imagined this would've happened, not again. I would have never thought that you could possibly do me so wrong that I physically felt too sick to my stomach to even stand up. I should put all the blame on you; meanwhile, part of me wants to blame myself. Why did I ever let you in? Why did I ever open up to you? Why did I let you see every part of me that you never even deserved to see? Why did I feel safe trusting you? Why did I let you have so much control over my life and my well-being? I don't get it. I don't get you.
You know, it's kind of funny; at times like this, I would be crying, but in this case, I think I'm just too overwhelmed to just express one emotion at a time. I think overall; I can say I'm furious.
Furious at the fact that you thought it was okay just to break my heart.
Furious at the fact that you took advantage of all my love for you.
Furious at the fact that you think you can walk back into my life when it's convenient for you.
But the most furious at the fact that you, unfortunately, know me. That I could never take back, along with every spot on my body, you've ever laid a finger on.
You made me look foolish to everybody, not only tonight but the last time as well. I never knew what true heartbreak was until you came along and showed me firsthand. I've been lied to, taken as a joke, and been fucking cheated on with no explanation at all, and I'm still trying to see the best in you. Still trying to figure out what made you want to tear me apart. Why? I'm still trying to love like I've never been hurt. Why? That says a lot about my character, and what you put me through says a lot about yours.
I don't think there will ever be a time where I will forgive you and what you have done. All the damage you have done to me mentally. Making me break down my mind, body, and soul. Not giving a fuck about my own well-being. An apology will never do it.
I hope hurting me was worth it.
I hope losing me was worth it.
I hope that whore you fucked in your office was worth it.
I hope my name tastes like poison when it comes out of your mouth and your heart stings when you hear it.
In the end, I hope everything you put me through was well worth it. Because I've slipped right through your grip, and you will never get me back. The girl who has nothing but self-love and confidence when she wakes up in the morning. That now, even though it took a long time, she realizes her worth and will never let anybody take advantage or walk all over her ever again.
It is a shame you didn't appreciate what you had until it was gone."