As my entire world comes crashing down in one ball of fire, I make my way bursting through the crowds that seem to have only but grown in the past five minutes. It feels like I am suffocating; I am slowly choking on the very breath that is supposed to keep me alive.
I am dying inside, and god, it fucking hurts.
This time it hurts even more than the first.
Why did I get close to Lucas again, I let my guard down for only one second, and he managed to drag me into those hazel eyes. He knows that they drive my knees to weakness. Did he set to do this from the start, or did he fall back in love with me too?
Whichever way, I am drowning in a pool of my own tears that is making their way down cheeks that are still burning from the rage that took over my body only but moments ago. I have never lost it like that before, I don't know what the fuck happened, but all I can say for sure is that not only did I scared the shit out of myself, but I did out of Lucas too.
And it is that very Lucas that I hear short on my heels call out for me, "Lexi, wait!"
But there is no waiting; it is not that I don't want to hear what he has got to say; I am so scared of what I might do to him. Until today, I know I have never harmed, but I have never lost my shit so bad that I attacked someone.
So, against my better judgment, as I find myself lost between all the cars in the parking lot, with rain pounding down onto my heated skin, I turn around and face Lucas that has finally caught up to me.
"Lucas," I start to plead with him, "Please, this is not the time. Not now. I can't do this with you now."
"No," I hear him raise his voice above the thunder that is now going down rapidly from the dark skied, "I am not going anywhere until you tell me what the fuck happened in there?"
"Lucas, you don't," the tears come crashing down even harder than they did before, "Lucas, believe me, that you don't need this in your life." Completely beyond my control, I step closer to him and beg for the comfort that I know his arms will bring to me. "Lucas, it is best that you just walk away."
"No, Lexi, I know that I fucked this one up the second time around, but I believe things that happen in three's are the best."
"I can't. You have hurt me again. I was not supposed to have fallen in love with you, well, not again. I guess," I finally pull away from him again. "I think that I have never really fallen out of love with you. But I can't do this; you are the poison that stings my veins. I don't think that you are capable of changing who you are; as you said, you need to be Lucas Lucero."
I watch him as he starts to scuffle away from me while he looks up at the bleeding night skies. "Lexi, I cannot lose you. I know that now. I think all I needed was for you to open my eyes. If I only knew then that you left me because I was acting like a jerk, I would have done my best to have changed for you."
"But that is the problem you want to try. You don't have to want to try; you want to do it desperately without thinking that you might fail. I cannot live with you breaking my heart again." Then I pause for a moment before I say something I know I would not want to do, yet, "I cannot lose myself like I did in there. I cannot go back…"
As I immediately stop from saying another word, I can see him lift his brows with nothing but question in his eyes, "Go back where?"
"That is not important; what is, is that I need to walk away from you. I am going say this only once, for if I have to ever repeat it again, I think my heart will simply slice open in pieces." I gently take his hand and rest it softly against my cheek; as I lay a gentle kiss against his palm, I softly, almost nearly to a silence, whisper to him, "I love you, Lucas."
And if it thought that the thunder and rain would have drowned my words, I am so sadly mistaken for there is that goddamn gorgeous smile that is playing so freely at the corners of his mouth, and god, what a mouth I would love to take right now. But I am losing focus on what is supposed to happen, and that is I have to leave him.
The saddest thing is that when I leave when I turn my back on him and disappear like I planned I would, I know that I am going to break his heart.
So I can say that I can honestly stand here in front of a broken man and claim victory, for I see the tiniest of tears start to build to a torment in the corners of those soft hazel eyes. I can say now, for certain…
I have conquered the mountain.
I have brought Lucas Lucero down to his knees.
I have made the Big Mafia Boss cry.
Am I satisfied with the victory? Oddly I am not. I am feeling sadness that I cannot compare to anything that I have ever felt before. Not even the first time when he broke me did I feel this way.
What I do feel is ashamed.
"Lucas, I am sorry for what happened in there. I was… Fuck! I was so pissed at you. I did not want to hurt you; I had to find a way to get that pain out of my tormented heart. I could not keep her away. I tried to fight her the best I could."
He looks at me with his head slightly cocked to the right side, and as he clears his throat, he tries to reach out for me again. "Who are you talking about?"
Do I tell him? Do I tell him that I have another person inside me that brews in here, waiting for the perfect moment to strike? She is the demon that brings depths of the deepest darkness inside awake in me. She chews at my mind and pounds at my heart, crippling me with nothing but fear. She sits and waits for anger to erupt; it is what she feeds on; it is what makes her alive. The more she gets what she needs, the more I lose the pieces that are the real part of me.
Do I want Lucas to know that I am a monster?
That I am crazy?
Do you even want him to know that he could be the reason why this ever happened to him?
Will I inflict such a bitter regret on him?
No, I have achieved what I needed to. Lucas will feel what I felt for all those years. But guess what? The joke is on me, for I am feeling it too. So, where was the justice in this game?
So with all these thoughts eaten at my heart, I look at him for what will be the final time, "I guess I lied, I am going to say it again. I love you, and you know that I won't be Lexi is there is not a "but" to this. This is where I am saying goodbye."
"Baby doll, please. We can work this through. I will do anything to keep you from turning your back and walking away."
"Anything? Will you stop cheating because you think a Mafia Boss needs to?"
"Baby doll, that was a complete fucked up way to look at it. I am just a fucking asshole, a fucking asshole that is about to lose the best thing that has ever happened to him. I beg you, god, I will go down in the mud and cry these goddamn tears that are threatening to erupt."
With that, he pulls me back into his embrace. Beyond my control, yet though with every desire, I lock my arms around his neck and run my finger through his wet hair. There is a soft moan that escapes his lips as he starts to nuzzle my neck with soft kisses. But they only last for a brief moment, for his lips seek mine, and as our breaths mingle, he pulls me further into his chest and starts to kiss me with so much raw passion.
As he kisses me, my brain lights on fire and the warmth spreads throughout my entire body. With only but a whimpers breath, "God, Lucas. I should not…" Yes, I should not, but I am addicted to him; I cannot bear being without him, and I can barely breathe when he is around. His kisses are my salvation and my torment. I live for them, and I would die with the memory of them on my lips.
I never set out to fall in love with him again, but he makes me weak. Love came back for me when I was not looking. I was not paying attention. It drew me in and kept me captive. It made me feel and experience so many feelings all at once. It took me on a journey just at it did the first time.
I know for a fact that it would be worth every second of my life if I stayed.
But I can't.
When Lucas comes home tonight, I will be gone.