They say that you can't push back a wave.
Well, I am standing on the beach about to be pummelled.
If I had known that day that I was going to break, I would have chosen differently. I could have prevented it all together; I would have. Through everything, I did the best that I could to stay alive.
It was lurking in the darkness, just waiting to strike and make itself known.
It took my dreams and left my life in pieces.
It was like a shadow that clung to me every day. A companion that I have had for years now.
I fell so hard and so fast that I had to be hospitalized for a week.
Type one, rapid cycling with moods congruent psychosis, which apparently is a devastating and severe form of Bipolar Disorder.
They told me that I had a mixed episode, which is dangerous. It has a tremendously high suicide risk, higher than a major depressive episode, which did explain a lot. Because when I decided to have a breakdown, I went all in.
I can remember they said that I would be hospitalized again, and ya, for sure, I found myself there more frequently than I desired.
I always wondered if this was just a tragic but necessary thing that I had to go through.
Maybe in some ways, it was inevitable, with no one to blame, for god knows I blamed Lucas so many times.
I was angry
And I was mad.
Then I thought that it was not his fault, but it was mine.
But I had to remember what he did to me, he broke me to pieces, and it took someone else to pick me up. I kept falling backward.
Every time I saw my medicine container, I grew such hatred for Lucas. It was him; he is the one that has fucked up my life to such an extent that I have a handful of pills that are supposed to help me get rid of the baggage and scars that I live with.
I was consumed by torment, I used to scream, but there was nothing. I had lost my voice, and I had lost my life.
And it was because Lucas could not keep it in his fucking pants.
At first, I was in denial.
How can this happen to me? Lexi, the spontaneous girl that loved and lived life. Now she was knocked back with mood swings that can leave her crippled at times.
My life has become nothing but chaos and confusion.
I had thought that if I just went back to Lucas that it would all go back to normal. There were so many nights that I stood on that dance floor. He did not even notice me because he was too busy with some bitch on his lap.
And fuck, it did not even look like he was trying to find me. He fuck one whore after the other, and I kept on watching him every night.
I was resentful, and I was bitter. I could not even bring myself to speak his name.
Then it dropped like a present on my doorstep only but a year after I had left him – depression.
At first, I thought I would be fine, but no, only but a month later I was sitting in that little room, there was a woman with brown hair and an unkind gaze. And just for a moment, she softened and looked me in the eyes, "My dear, I am sorry." And that was the first time I ever heard that word in my life.
And oh my god, did I feel it, for it had my body at attention. It pumped the adrenaline through my veins, but then it would take its grip on my body and leave me crying in terrible pain.
I can't remember the last time I slept for eight hours straight. My mind is like a cinema, replaying images from my past.
Those images of the love of my life fucking some other woman.
After a couple of years, I thought that I would get over the pain and especially the hatred for Lucas, but the more this illness got a grip on my life, the more I swore to myself that I would get my revenge.
It took me a long time, sleazy jobs to make enough money to change my entire appearance so that the day I came for Lucas, he would not recognize me for one second. I was hoping that he would just see me for one of those whores that he fucks, and I was right.
But now, he is demanding my attention, wanting to pretend that nothing ever happened. Like, "Baby doll, why did you leave me?" Is he honestly that stupid?
So through the years, when I was plotting every move that I made, I thought that I finally, at some point, got a hold, and I had this illness under control. Yes, it still left traces of anxiety and stress every day, but it also gave me resilience and strength. I can see the world in a way that many people can ever imagine.
But I am not going to lie; I am not doing pretty good right now; I think that being back around Lucas, being so close to succeeding with my plan, has brought those demons out of the shadows.
It has once again pulled me from the heavens and threw me into the depths of hell.
But this is something that Lucas does not know; he does not know the pain that I am left to carry with me every day.
Well, he does not need to know; all that matters for me is to keep on playing this game and take him by complete surprise as I break his heart and throw it to the dogs in little pieces.
So next to me is a man that I can honestly say is extremely happy. He thinks that he has his baby doll back. But now, there is a question that begs.
How long is Lucas going to stay faithful?
If I knew him well enough, I would say that give him a month, and this thing between us would have worn out. That is just how he is. He becomes a restless man. And what do they say about restless men?
Well, they have restless fingers. But in his case, he has a goddamn reckless erection that constantly needs some action.
I hate Lucas Lucero.
I will never love the man again.
He has ruined my life, and for that, I will get my revenge.
So how do I keep this man satisfied?
My hands flutter to the sides of his face, stroking the bristle of his cheeks and jaw. He makes a quiet moan in his throat. Suddenly he takes hold of my shoulders and pulls me into his body. My gaze locks with his in a moment of searing wonder. He looks at me as if he could eat me with his gaze as if he wanted to possess every inch of my body.
And I know what he is thinking.
I swear the edges he gets closer to danger thrills that body so. He lives to feel that adrenaline pumping through his veins and that ache build-up to absolute torment between those long sculpted legs. He pushes that line and everybody that goes with it.
He slips his naked body past every inch of my hot skin; he is toned and tight in all the right places. The very ache for him is growing intensely painful between my thighs as I am nearly about to burst out begging for his touch.
He cups my tight ass in his hands and grinds, and god, does he grind. The tension is growing, and the ease of the wet sensation, and don't ask me if it is him or me, but we are sliding like an ice block on a hot summer's day.
Without having the willpower to control it anymore, I find myself doing the very thing I was trying to avoid, "God, Lucas, please."
I palm the base of his erection and drags my hand up so slow. Then down I go, slipping my thumb over the tip of the head and dragging my fingers until I am covered in his wet mess.
"Baby doll, you are going to fucking make me cum, and this is not what I had in mind."
"It is called foreplay, Lucas."
"I don't think I will be able to survive foreplay."
He lifts me on top of his lap and hooks my legs around his waist. His hand tangles in my hair, and he pulls my head back so far that my bare neck is fully exposed for his tongue to take. With long slow kisses, he drags his lips down my soft skin; he moans, and I only but whisper.
"I thought you couldn't survive foreplay."
"Oh, baby doll, this is just to make you wet."
"Fuck, Lucas, I don't think I can…"
I kiss his words away as I take those sweet lips and nibble on them gently. Then, when I think it cannot even go further, he pulls my head back, so all that is lying bare in front of him is my fully erect nipples. With slow but hard circles, he ripples his tongue over them. My body jerks, and I feel as I am becoming a total wet mess.
"Bend back, baby doll."
He lifts me a bit up for total comfort of access and thrusts into me without a single warning.
"Oh, god, Lucas."
I scrunch my hands in the sheets, and he slams even harder, a full deep thrust making my body shudder. The bolts of lightning shooting through me as the depth of his erection overwhelms me, and a deep moan escapes from his throat.
"Fuck, baby doll!"
He thrusts again, pulling my head back, giving him wider access as he pushes my legs even further apart. Then another thrust with so much force that I slide off his lap and fall back down on the bed. Pulling me back by the legs and wrapping me firmly, he grinds his erection deep into me until I squirm. He only but leave my tightness for a second and slams with a deep thrust between my legs again.
"Yes, Lucas!"
"Baby doll, I am going to fuck you so hard until your cry."
Then just as he is about to drive with extra force…
I stop.