I remember that night I left.
It is a memory that I play over in my head every day when the emotions come flooding back like a big tidal wave. It rolled over me like a storm and consumed every part of my being.
I sat in the darkness of the room; I sat there questioning myself if I was about to make a big mistake. That night I was not sure if it was the right thing to leave Lucas the way that I had planned.
I remember it as if it was just yesterday…
I have learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking a moment, and making the best of it without knowing what's going to happen next.
It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone, the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted for having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you because you think that your feelings were wrong, and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You're left so alone that you can't explain.
I have learned you have got to dance like nobody is watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like there's nobody listening, and live like it's Heaven on earth.
Well, do I believe in that faint breath of a word that is called love?
I can now honestly say that love can stay at bay.
I thought that love would be the only thing that would not tear Lucas and me apart. But god, I was wrong, for there were lying so many evils around the corner that kept on pulling him away.
Watching him that night as he sat in that chair being surrounded by more women than far necessary, I could still accept that. But then he got up and led one of those very blondes to the office; it ripped me apart.
It tore at my body and messed with my mind. I had the desire to walk in there and fight for the man that I know belongs to me, but that feeling was only but momentary for I realized… If you are doing this tonight, Lucas, then you must be doing this every night where I sit like a fool and wait for you to come home.
So the weakness set in, and I gave up the will to fight. He was not going to win; he would not make me be the woman that bursts into that office and make an even bigger fool of myself. That led me to leave in silence and let him claim his small victory.
But I knew that you might have won now, I will rise from my feet, and I will show you that you will not knock me down again.
Yes… Lucas changed me. He changed me into sides that he does not recognize. That is what a cheating boyfriend does to you. Lucas was my everything, he took me out of those slums, and he made me his princess; I felt like a goddamn queen. But his prize had to stay away from the club, so this prize sat and waited for him every night.
And every night when he came home, he made me believe that I am the only one and that he does love me as he says he does.
But how wrong I was...
When I left him, he made me see demons that only I could see. Twist my mind. He made me hurt from the top of my head right down to my toes. He weakened me mentally, something I had never before experienced. He made me question my own strength and my desire to fight. I was terrified; he made me feel so much pain and so much hurt in my heart.
I hated Lucas with every fiber I had. He broke me into pieces, and there was no fucking body to help me pick it up. I went straight back into the slums and got lost in that lifestyle. The queen did not feel like a princess anymore.
Suddenly the impulsive side of my life has to be pushed aside to accommodate the days of darkness and hatred. Where I always used to live for the adventure, I was now plotting my revenge. I was exploring all the ways that I could get Lucas back.
He was my obsession; he was the very thing that was driving me mad.
But, I am a fair person; there are some things that I learned.
When I finally got the will to take a deep breath again, I found a renewed lust and love of life. For the first time, I appreciated what I had, even though I was stuck in the slums. But, fuck, I discovered how lucky I am to consider myself as having survived.
Well, not truly for then the mental illness het set in and I, even though I would love to take the credit, I was in control of my life where in fact I just went from the one to the other. First, I had Lucas control my every move, and now I had some goddamn pill control every mood.
Bipolar…
That is what they called it, well, I call it Lucas.
It had me down for so many months and months, in and out of one institution after the other. My life was a mess, but at least I could breathe and had that renewed lust for life.
But I was not yet done.
It took me even more than a few years to finally find some sort of stability in my mind…
And then the plan to get revenge started to take life.
I was going to prove to Lucas why he would never be victorious. There was nothing more that he could take away from me. I was going to bring him down, and there would be no coulda woulda shoulda regrets anymore.
I must admit that at first, I was scared. You do not go up against Lucas Lucero and live to tell. My mind went to some pretty dark places of ways I could get back at him. But then the very obvious came, a beautiful woman…
And what better that one that he would not recognize…not anymore, for I worked my ass off to change every bit of myself that he would remember. I was ready for him with every skill that I had in the bag.
What I did not anticipate was that I would so easily fall back into him. I forgot how fucking charming the man could be. I thought I had every weapon in the arsenal and even more to go up against him, but I forgot about one thing. My heart.
I never thought that the memories, the love, the shared moments, and all those things that made us Lucas and Lexi would come back and take over.
So yes, I am now going to admit defeat.
Lucas has won.
But I don't love him. I hate him.
Hate is a strong word, but I truly hate him. He came in where he was not wanted and took what was not his… My heart… Again…
I need to get all of this hurt and anger off of my chest. I am so pissed that he takes and takes and takes.
But, you know what? He is not invincible.
I will not let him have the last dance. No, sir.
I will no longer put my life on hold to be happy someday. I will not stress any longer over things I could not control and instead will celebrate by living life to the fullest. If I cannot get revenge in the way that I would have liked to, I will live my life in a way that it will hurt him so goddamn much.
Yes, I might have to accept that he is here now and that he is not going to go away. After all, I still belong to him; well, that is in his sick and twisted mind. But he will never let me out of his sight again. So I am expecting him to come on strong, and he is going to put up a big fight.
But I can fight just as hard and what else I can do, is I can play the game just as good as him. I will rage against the dying light.
They say that life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!"