I feel like I am creek all dried up and tired, like what I do doesn't matter anymore. Have you had that feeling, like you are being torn between your love and responsibilities that both matter to you, it's just that you want to swerve away from the pain, the expectations and commitment? It is like they are wearing you down and sucking the life or energy from you. Ahhhh..it's so confusing and how I wish I could just go away or run to somewhere and be whoever I want to be, not the rich, famous and responsible human being. That is why being average is sometimes better and highly capable of being who what they want to be because that can. And if they didn't want to be that same rolling moss or uncommitted person again they could just stay where they are and just act normal about it, no harm done and no responsibilities to hang onto to make them feel bad, less of a person or just a normal human being working, having fun and loving someone.
But you and me are two different people. I need to follow rules of management, engagement and protocol which you might not have to, since you do what you do in your own volition. I can't do that since I'm part of a community that base my decisions in a correct manner and also base it on legal procedures that needs to be done and met for the purpose of empathetically helping the people we serve and protecting them along the way with appropriate actions, sound mind and judgment. As an entrepreneur, not to mention the head/CEO of all of my companies, I am brave, sharp, driven and mighty because I need to be, since I handle not only one company but multiple brands, branches, micro & macro sourcing agencies, etc. I can say that it isn't easy but not that really hard too either, only time consuming and tasking, in the sense that I always need to make sure that I am on top of things and on the right track for my passion towards achieving my goal of success in all of my endeavors.
Then, came, Leila. Haaa...what about her? Well, everything seems to evolve and revolve around her lately, that, I couldn't fight my feelings anymore and be able to hide them since the desire I have for her is unbearable to handle, even for me who already had experienced a lot in my life and relationships. Hmm....I guess I need to keep it cool from now on. I know that things will turn out alright if I just let things happen as they are happening and however slow my progress is in achieving, reaching whatever state I am with my feelings for her, I will try to love her as much as I can and be with her all the way since I now believe that I couldn't live without her.
And that is a first on my end, for I never needed anybody before since I only relied on myself, my talents, my knowledge and that I can do everything alone. It is sad when I think back how I wasted my time trying to convince myself that I can live alone without loving or committing or letting anyone love me because I can make it on my own and been doing that since I can remember. That was before when I found out that I wasn't angry with Leila because she left, I was angry at myself for letting her leave, not caring what will happen to her because of my stupid pride and self-pity. Sometimes, when we are fully drawn to ourselves, feelings or pains and always think that others hurt or take advantage of us, we don't really see the whole picture, like what others are experiencing or might be feeling, since, we're only focused on what we feel or what we wanted from a person, in the first place. Instead of caring we sometimes run away or hide or even care less so we won't get hurt maybe or we won't get disappointed in the end. But no one wins, in the end, we all get hurt, left behind or forgotten.
Yet, if we could have just tried our best to talk to the one we love or tell them we really care, or that they matter to us, all can change. She/he might decide to stay or choose to stay with us because they know we truly love them and want to be with them.
I called Leila and ask her to have dinner with me. I don't intend to be the one to sweep off her feet but I I would want to always be by her side and make her happy. I hope I can make her smile and feel loved always. I will ask her to marry me tonight, yup! That's it!, maybe this is the right time that I have been waiting for. I am sure now that she is the one for me. I just hope that she feels the same way as I do! Fingers crossed, I don't intend to get my heart broken later but to have a great time with the one I love, Leila! Here we go!, Marissa, this is quite a turn, I hope you're ready to be tied down forever?...
The shower is still on and steam is all over the glass-cased bath when I pinned Lei on the tiles. She was a bit surprised that I became aggressive and tried to hold on to my back like she is preparing herself for something she's unprepared to do or feel. I placed my fingers on her and played with it on her. She is about to burst into a groan but I didn't want to stop there. I moved fingers out and touched her breasts and buttocks. I kissed and licked her chest until I reached her navel and her private. I was still massaging her breast when I knelt and placed my mouth to her puss, sipped it and ate it until Lei was out of breathe and about to cum. Lei grabbed my hair and let me continue what I was doing, but I stopped and placed mine to hers and rubbed, pushed mine as hard as I can towards her to cum.
I wanted to cum at the same time with her and we did, together. But Lei still wanted more of how I did her, so we went out of the shower room to go to the bedroom while soaking wet. I turned the AC off since I was freezing but Leila still kissed me and pulled me close to her. She placed her fingers in me and did it like she was insane and craving for sex. I melted and even if my private is numb and so sensitive to the touch, I came again and again until I wet myself with my own juices. Lei went down on me and drank my juices and looked at me with disdain and slapped me again and again.
She was hurt that I do this to the women I slept with but not to her. Why? Because I love her, yet if I do why would I still need another to satisfy me and not her. What I did was wrong and I should be wild with her than with them. Now I understand why she was hurt and felt insulted by what I did and been doing. I apologized and said sorry to Leila while she slapped me and almost wanted to scratch me with her long nails. She wanted to scar my face with them but I just hugged and kept my arms wrapped around her chest so she couldn't slap me again. She was crying and I was too. She kicked me and pushed me at the bed and continued to hurt me. We were naked and I was cold. Maybe Lei got tired from struggling and all that she stopped and sat on the ground. I placed a comforter on her and she was still crying when I sat beside her and told her, sorry.
You always say that. But you kept doing the same thing over and over again. When will you stop hurting me? Maybe, because I have been a pain to you before that you are torturing me now. But I think I have paid for my mistakes already that I don't deserve how you treat me and the other women you have been sleeping with, Leila explained and slapped me again on the cheek that the sound of my ear reverberated like waking me up from a dark and horrifying dream. I'm sorry, really Leila, please forgive me! I was just meeting Becca for a talk about the new branch we opened in London. One thing led to another and I wasn't able to stop myself. I didn't want to do it because I love you, I added honestly.
So, this Becca, is she pretty? Lei asked while standing up and getting a glass to pour wine on and drank it. Yes but you're prettier, I cried and stood too to wrap my arms around her. Screw you, for letting me believe you have changed and truly love me, Lei said angrily and threw the glass at me which I was able to avoid though I was very tired from the sex and the confrontation between me and Lei. I grabbed my agitated girlfriend and took off the comforter. I believe she's warm enough to even notice that we are still naked and fighting at four in the morning. Stop, Lei, stop it now!, I uttered grabbing her arms still punching and slapping me. She's so strong when she's angry and so I decided to kiss her again to make her stop her ruckus.
I kissed her and touched her in every part of her body to make her quiet and still. Leila stopped and kissed me back. I placed my hands on her arms on top of her head so she won't be able to move, and sat on her waist so she couldn't step on or kick me.