There was a kid in my school who said the moon is always following her around and it made a bunch of students realize that the moon was following them too.
I never noticed the moon unless it was full and Baba pointed at it and asked me to check it out. Unlike other kids, I thought the sun was following me.
In cars no matter where I sat, the sun would be shining through my window. In classes I was always given a seat that is in line with the movement of the sunlight. It bothered me that the moon didn't follow me even though it followed my whole class around, what do they have that I don't?
Sometimes I wonder if my perspective would've been any different if my mom and sister didn't die the day after I was born.
That wouldn't have made Baba call me a jinx throughout my childhood. It wouldn't have made me believe I'm some kind of a fatal force made to make everyone around miserable.
Maybe I wouldn't have noticed how much life's screwed me over. Or I wouldn't have cared if there were M&M's pieces on my M&M's cookie sandwich. I would've had another name that is just my own! I probably would've been chatty, carefree and maybe even loved.
Baba stopped calling me anything bad a long time ago, but sometimes when I sit alone in the living room staring at the mustard ceiling I do wonder if he stopped thinking I inflicted the worst on his life.
A warm tear that I wasn't aware of streamed from my eye into my ear and I suddenly realized I've been staring at the ceiling for too long, it turned black in my eyes. I got up to wash my face and Baba's room was staring at me. Everything was where he left it last.
His pillow was at the other end of the bed; he always slept at the bed's foot when he took a nap. His pajama pants were hanged behind the door. The comb he used to calm whatever was left of his hair and his beard was on the ground. I picked it up and pulled the drawer to put it there.
The drawer was filled with legal documents, files and 2 birth certifies both hold the name Bliss. One was just 5 years older than the other. I pulled the next drawer and it held bottles of empty perfumes and a half used one; he always saved the bottle. The third drawer I pulled out a photo album that I never knew existed.
It was a family album. I saw my mom and instantly broke into a crying laugh as remembered why Baba wanted to feed me so much. She was curvy and beautiful, and looked like someone I would've been devastated to have lost had I known her.
There's pictures of Bliss and mom riding shotgun in the car. I thought it was true that I felt like they gave me a group hug whenever I sat there with the seatbelt around me.
Bliss looked like our name was meant for her. Her face is round, soft looking and pretty –contrary to mine. There's a beautiful picture of her in a blue dress smiling that was apparently featured in the local newspaper.
I flipped through it and I saw a family that was so happy. My heart was beating so hard I felt my eyes losing a tear whenever it throbbed.
They documented everything. There's pictures on swings, in restaurants, on the beach. There's no beach around here; they went places.
There was Bliss crawling, eating, smiling, playing with her food, playing in sand, hiding behind a curtain, walking hand in hand with Baba and mom, sitting on dad's shoulder. Baba looked so different without his scar… flipping through this, I can't help but resent myself. Suddenly I feel like my Baba had all the right in the world to hate me.
I want to stop looking through this album but for some reason I just kept flipping, wiping the dust off every single page, tracing the edges of every photo's frame. One picture of Baba, mom and Bliss wearing birthday hats in front of a cake was unusually thicker than the others, I pulled it out and stuck to it was a folded paper. I opened it, it had a letter inside it.
"My dearest Deem,"
That's my mom's name, I thought to myself.
"I still remember how I proposed to you and even though you didn't give me an answer, I went to my students and asked them to congratulate me because I got engaged! It rained that day when you told me you accepted me.
Marrying you was the happiest moment of my entire life.
That was the case up until our daughter was born, what a Bliss! Forgive me my love but you're now second to her as I am now second to her too in your heart.
Who thought someone this little would have this huge impact on everything that I am?
I love you for giving me Bliss, in every way that sentence means.
Leo"
My hands were shaking, my head felt like needles were getting hammered into it and my eyes cried like they didn't know what's a dry eye anymore. With a broken heart I returned everything exactly where it was. Turned off the light and shut the door behind me.
I took out the money I was given when I visited Ammo Hail from my fridge, grabbed my keys and went out. The streets were dark and empty but I didn't care if what made me scared from the dark happened again.
The mini market next to us was already closed. That's when I lost it and started frantically walking around. I wanted to go to our broken car and sit in the passenger's seat with the belt around me but I didn't want mom and Bliss to comfort me now…
Bliss, my sister was the happiest moment in Baba's life and apparently he made sure someone knew. I was the worst moment of his life and he made sure I knew it too.
I remembered there was a vending machine on the other side of Miss Tea's building that I saw when I visited her last. Of course, I found it broken. I got so frustrated and punched and kicked it and yelled so hard it hurt.
Someone heard me and asked me to shut up then asked me what's wrong when I looked at him. I told him I needed some chocolate. He gave me directions to a near supermarket I never knew about. I ran towards it looking crazy like my life depended on it and grabbed a Snickers that I paid for with the money I won then furiously ate it and walked around realizing I'm a long way from home.
If I didn't know the way back home by heart, I would've been lost. My eyes seem to have swollen with the excess crying. My nose is so runny as if my tears crowded my eyes so much, they had to escape some other way. There's a lump in my throat and it grew bigger with the steps I took, the tears I wiped and the snot I sniffed.
It's like everything's hurting and is swollen up as if my emotions have found a way to inflict physical pain all over me. I started to wheeze, it was so hard to breathe, I felt like the only thing I have the energy to do is fall on my face…
"Bliss?"
I heard a familiar voice, who is this? Who knows my name? I tried to trace his voice with my eyes but I was so exhausted and couldn't hold my head up. Not to mention it would be pointless considering how blurry my eyes are getting.
"Are you okay?" I felt his cold hand on my chin, he pulled my head up so he can see my face and I realized my eyes were actually closed. "We should get you to a hospital!"
Why should I go to the hospital? Baba never took me to the hospital when I had fevers, a real sickness. He would take me to the pharmacy, consult with the pharmacist and then would give me the medications I needed.
Baba took care of me, he put a cold pad on my forehead and stayed up looking after me. So, why would I go to the hospital for not being sick? I need to wash my face and get over myself. I wanted to ask this person whomever he might be to please leave me alone but I suddenly couldn't speak. This is not Jack, that's impossible…
He swiftly carried me and I couldn't fight it, he unlocked his car and put me in the passenger's seat and fastened the belt around me.
"You fixed it" I tried saying as I was touching the seatbelt but my tongue felt heavy, I'm not sure he heard me. He'd always left the seatbelt broken and never fixed it! Why would he fix it now when I don't want it anymore?
Before I could stop my mind from doing so, I imagined myself in Baba's car in the passenger seat with the belt around me embracing mom and my sister in a group hug. I lowered my head even more and started sobbing.
"Does it hurt?" who I think is Jack asked frantically.
"Yes." I said and felt the car moving faster.
We got to the hospital and I didn't know what are we doing here exactly. Like, how would a hospital help me now? What's a cure for drama?
He opened the door and carried me into the ER, it felt suffocating. A nurse took one look at me and cleared a bed for me, on which he gently placed me. Several people wearing facemasks and white surrounded me and I blanked…
I hardly opened my heavy eyes and everything looked foggy. Jack was sleeping face down on a chair next to me. All I did in his presence ever was fall asleep so it made me smile that he's the one dozing off now.
A hand was on mine, I guess he had the liberty to hold my hand, which I pulled from his grip. I tried to open my eyes better and looked at him… I don't know what came over me but I instantly felt like I wanted to apologize for rudely pulling my hand from under his.
"Jade?" I said feeling surprised and guilty that I didn't know it was him sooner…
"Feeling better?" he asked and I nodded. His face is so kind, I wished every patient in this ER would wake up to something as lovely. "I'll go get you some water" he said and left for a bit.
"Thank you" my voice was hoarse.
"Of course" he smiled, I saw his perfect tooth and remembered he fixed it, "they gave you an epinephrine shot so you're okay but you need to rest."
"What's that for?" I sounded confused and he looked even more confused.
"You had an allergy reaction?" he still is confused greatly…
"To what?"
"Peanuts" he pulled something from his pocket, it was a Snickers' wrap. "This was crumbled in your hand."
"You mean there were peanuts in my Snickers?"
I put both my palms on my face in disbelief and started laughing, which turned into crying hysterically. When my Snickers was finally perfect, it was actually not good for me. My luck feels 10 times worse right about now…
Jade grabbed my right wrist and let it rest back on the bed, "they said you should leave this hand down" he said and I felt calm as I was watching him, then he grabbed my other wrist and rested it on my other side.
There was a tissue box on a chair past the curtain surrounding this bed, he went for it and wiped my face… I looked anywhere but at his face; I felt embarrassed but at the same time, safe.
"They prescribed some medications for you. One for when you feel an allergy reaction is starting to build up, like if you mistakenly ate peanuts… and a couple for your fever" he said and shook a bag that was next to my feet with the hospital's name printed on it.
"Can we leave?" I asked
"Yes actually," he said.
Jade went to talk to the nurse outside and I overheard him asking about a test one should do to find out what they're allergic to. He got a text and looked at me, I looked away when he caught me looking at him.
"I didn't know who to call for you but I'll drive where you need" he smiled, "do you have company at home?"
"Yes…" I paused, "look," I pointed at the TV outside and it showed F.R.I.E.N.D.S. finale. When Ross and Phoebe go to JFK instead of Newark Airport. I looked at Jade and remembered this thing I've always wanted, "when they finally got to Newark Airport, Phoebe screams Rachel's name so loud and dramatically, that's when she hears her and turns back and her and Ross talk… I want someone to call me from a distance."
Jade gave a vague smile, left my bedside and went a few meters away. He looked at me cupping his mouth with his hands. He took a deep breath and called my name. The hand I was supposed to leave resting on the bed went on my flushed face and my mind suddenly declared that this might not at all be the worst day of my life.
"Not far enough" I laughed.
"Well, this is a hospital and a nurse just gave me a death stare… I'll make it up to you somewhere appropriate."
"Wait," I said now realizing, "how did you find me today? I know you live here but I didn't know you lived close by!"
"What makes you know I live here?" Jade asked looking smart.
"Well, you work here!" I said now unsure.
"I work at The Cafeteria because it's something I love" he started to explain and I realized I didn't know that much about him, still doesn't stray from the fact that I know him… "that's what I do in the morning. My nana opened the place here to make sure I visit her on daily basis."
"Your nana that ruined your smile!" I said obnoxiously.
"She just thinks she's too pretty, which she really is and she didn't want her only grandson to have a less than average face AND a chipped tooth" he said covering his smile, "it embarrassed her to introduce me."
"Pretty?" I said, "and you said her name is Sasha?"
"Yeah…"
"Is your nana Miss Tea?"
"That's the one," he said and a smile crossed my face as I learned someone I respect fondly is related to Jade. As if it's more proof that we're close, not that I needed evidence.
"But you're never there with her" we live right across from each other's balcony's and not once had I seen Jade.
"You just never see me," he nodded, "anyways, I better take you to your people before it gets late."
A nurse helped me get on a wheelchair that I didn't need while Jade went and got the car front. He made me lean on him walking to his car and fastened the seatbelt around me once I got in. This time I just held on to it and waited for myself to fall asleep as it's been the one thing I do in car rides.
I once paid a visit to a dentist who had an adjustable monitor placed in front of the patients' chair. Videos and pictures of nature were displayed on it in means of making the patients feel relaxed. I remember thinking it was ridiculous at first but before I knew it, I was completely lost in the sceneries shown.
There were videos of running water, a squirrel jumping off a little ramp into a pile or dry orange leaves in slow motion and a sky clearing up after a rain shower. I am as lost and as relaxed now looking at Jade's face, even though I couldn't see the whole thing with the side looks I managed.
Visiting the dentists' never scare me, it used to when I was a kid. I visited every single dentist in town but wouldn't even open my mouth unless I was crying, but I would leave without getting anything fixed. I grew into having the worst teeth… till the day I decided I'd rather go through fixing the pain in my teeth than live with it. When pain is out of handle, fear is no obstacle.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Jade asked as I left his car, I said yes but soon enough he was on the stairs climbing behind me in silence.
As soon as I made sure he left I went downstairs and to the bus station. Irish has already heard about this being my emergency contact. They went to another hospital with a similar name but I asked them to return home and told them I'll be coming; I don't want to be home tonight.
The bus stopped at the university's stop and I walked from there to Irish'sh. I saw the girls and also Jack standing in line in front of the wooden gate and a smile snuck into my face. They saw me and started waving and then ran towards me. Irish'sh eyes were teary, she gave me a fierce hug.
"I don't like that you were alone!" Her voice was shaky in my ears. I slightly got offended for the fact that she ignored Jade's presence.
Before I knew it I was wrapped in the middle of them all and it is indeed not the worst day of my life. It might be even one of the bests.
Dani took the medications bag from me and told them that I needed to rest. They took me inside where the living area's floor turned into a sleeping area. Mattresses were laid out closely together covered with bedding and topped with warm looking duvets. There was a table next them that had a coffee maker, a thermos labeled Tea, sugar bags and plenty of cups.
"Thought you'd like some tea" Jack said.
"Thank you" how thoughtful.
They made me lay on the middle mattress, Danielle poured me a cup of tea and the rest pulled the duvet on me as if the task needed all of them to be done. Blue put a cold towel on my head and Irish turned my messy hair into 2 neat French braids. Juicy sat on my mattress and put her hand on my knee over the duvet. The tea is good but it's missing some mint.
"Are you okay?" Danielle asked me as she gave me the second cup of tea.
"I am" I looked at them and noticed Jack was sitting outside on the steps. I tried not to think he was sitting close by for me… the girls looked concerned, more than one should. "It's just allergies" I tried to laugh.
"You look worse than the day you read your poem in class" Juicy said.
"It was a story" Blue and I said together, I smiled at her out of appreciation that she remembered, "I did come across something that bothered me".
Then I told them about everything. The album and the perfect family stacking its pages. How I found the letter. What the letter said and how it made me feel. I told them about my mom and my sister who had my name and wore it better.
I told them about Baba and how at first he couldn't but hate me. I told them about the day following my birthday when Baba had to lose the loves of his life. I told them about my luck that made me buy a flawed peanut-less Snickers once and made me feel bad and then made me buy another perfect Snickers and made me feel even worse…
"There were peanuts in your Snickers?" Juicy asked wondering, "you thought peanut-less Snickers was bad luck but turns out a normal Snickers is worse!"
Danielle looked at me as if thinking hard and uttered: "does that mean your luck changed? Seeing you finally got a normal Snickers? Or you were lucky all along? Seeing you had the one flawed Snickers that prevented a peanut allergy reaction your whole life!"
"Hummm" we all let out.
"I never thought of it that way" I said.
"Think about it" Irish started, "you're allergic to peanuts and you lived your life not knowing about it yet never really experienced a reaction!"
"BUT," Blue said looking deep in thought, "if you say the peanut-less Snickers happened when her luck was good then you're saying the perfect Snickers is her bad luck taking over"
"Oh, piss off you lot! I shouldn't have thought of that" Danielle said looking uninterested in what they had to add on, "believe it or not, you're making it worse!"
"And that's usually you job!" Irish joked and Blue laughed too hard per usual.
Danielle forced the 3rd cup of tea on me and then went to pee. She came back after she'd grabbed a blanket and lied to my left. Her hair kept tingling my cheek, I realijed how big her hair is and how tiny she is. And like always, she smelled of hair dye.
Blue pulled a duvet on her and placed her head on my stomach and giggled at the movement of my breathing. Irish'sh head was somewhere between Blue's and my bosom. The scent of fresh laundry she always carries feels homey. Yet I still wonder what kind of magical everlasting detergent she's using, the one I use is nice but its smell wears off once I put on the clothes!
"Hey," Irish said wiping a tear that escaped my eye, "your eyes are teary."
"Yeah, I guess it's normal, it's been full since I opened my eyes" I said dabbing my hands into my eyes to wipe the tears off.
"You know when we went to the wrong hospital we almost underwent a collateral nervous breakdown" Blue said, "thank god you kept us posted."
"We kind of paused to hug and comfort each other" Juicy said.
"It was quite dramatic" Dani said, "when we came back I just had to hug the fridge!"
"While waiting for you we kind of decided some people you don't like, you just straight up love and belong with" Juicy said, "and you're that to us."
"Yeah." they all breathed in unison.
As I feel like the luckiest misfit in the world, I realije my tongue feels heavier now that the allergy wore off. It is indeed harder to admit my reciprocated love and I don't know if they'll understand that it implies without me saying it out loud.
"Bliss's never told anyone she loved them" Juicy said mischievously and I looked at her with such shock, "I read your mind, didn't I?" she joked, I nodded.
"How did you know?" Danielle asked.
"Her poem…" Juicy started.
"STORY!" everyone said simultaneously and I laughed with such joy as if there were no scars on my heart, no fraction in my soul.
"Which I have, by the way" Blue said proudly, "I never read it" she said as if just remembering about it.
"Really?" Irish asked with such disappointment, "why didn't I have it?"
"I bet Blue made Bliss give it to her like she makes us do the dishes!" Danielle nudged me "Bliss would've totally given it to me if I hanged with her first"
"No, it felt right." I teased.
"We can read it now! Together, so they know about it and then I'll keep it forever." Blue suggested getting up looking smug.
Danielle and Irish beamed at me before I could say anything, so I nodded. Blue went for it. "But someone should read it;" I squealed trying to save myself of how awkward it'd be, "I'm not doing that again."
Blue came back and I was nervous; I wrote that when it was exactly what I needed to say out loud. I don't even remember what it said… Blue placed her head back on my stomach, which helped since I feel hungry and started reading:
"No darkness was ever tough
It was always bright enough
My light was Baba and now he's no more
Found him dead facing the floor
He's been the only person I know
Or is it "the only person I knew" what's the way to go?
Is it "he was the best dad"?
Or "he is the first loss I ever had"?
We lose then gain a past tense permit
We lose then gain a decent amount of regret
I hugged him once
When he was a body of no soul
I took his hand once
When he couldn't have felt it at all
I told him I loved him once
When a kiss on his forehead was just too cold
I wrote him something once
On a paper I just unrolled
He hated reading, but always told me a story
A story about a dad who named his kid Bliss, but called her a jinx
And for that he was sorry
Then I thought the hardest part had passed
Till the day I saw him last
"Don't dare cry a single frown," he once said
"I'll make you laugh the tears you shed."
Today I stand with no reason to laugh and many to tear
It'll be all darkness now, which I fear."
The air was suddenly too quiet. I realijed Irish'sh hand was gripping so hard on my shoulder, I spontaneously put my hand on it. Danielle took my other hand in hers and squeejed it. Juicy was almost massaging my ankles.
Blue folded the paper, got up and took the cold turned warm towel off my forehead and hugged my head before replacing it with a cold one.
I needed to hear what I wrote; he was the best dad. Reading the letter Baba left for mom and seeing the photo album today just brought back the memories which were hardest on me. But he made me laugh and smile and worked hard to make up for all the time he'd done me wrong… we might've had a rocky start but we finished well and that is what matters the most.
"Well, that was terrible writing" I said when the quietness was unfamiliar.
"Shut up asshole" Danielle said, "I'll sleep hugging you, the fridge is just too far."
"You!" I heard and opened my eyes, the girls we're still sleeping, I thought I just dreamed someone was furious at me. Blue's foot ended up where her head was last night somehow.
In front of me standing was Danielle who looked furious pointing at me. I didn't move so I don't disturb anyone's sleep but they were all awake and as confused as I am when she yelled again, just louder this time. "YOU!!!" I was at loss of words; my eyes were just on Danielle.
"What's wrong?" Blue asked looking at us both and I saw Danielle's eyes drowning in tears and her face enraged.
"MY GRANNY DIED!!! In the hospital she was in" Danielle pointed at me, "MY GRANNY LOVED ME! IF SHE DIES I LOSE THE ONE FAMILY WHO ACTUALLY LOVES ME! CARES FOR ME…" she stopped yelling and looked at me dead in the eye, "if so much people are dead because of your presence, why didn't you kill yourself already!"
She said that and I wondered the same before I could digest what is happening. Suddenly I saw Juicy getting up and she shoved Danielle so hard she fell and my heart dropped with her.
I got up shaking, the towel fell off my head, I tried to lean on the table and accidentally dropped the cup Danielle poured me tea in and it broke. I stared at it and then at Danielle wide eyed who was still on the ground with her hands covering her mouth. I saw Irish and Blue rushing after me, Irish took my hand…
"She's just in shock, her granny means the world to her" Irish explained gripping my hand so hard it was painful. I tried to understand and I do understand but I feel like I have to be somewhere else far from here.
Blue looked petrified, her eyes seemed like they're about to leave her head and Juicy looked apologetic at me shaking her head. I noticed how teary her face was and that was it for me. Her tears are always on stand-by but still every time she cried a lump gathered in my throat, Juicy's sadness is something I don't have the heart for.
Danielle's granny just passed and she blamed it on me considering it happened in the same hospital I was in. I don't want to be in a place where Irish, Blue and Juicy would have to choose between us because I'm sure that will leave me standing alone; even I would choose Danielle's side.
I'll just leave; I understand… I asked Irish to pleaje leave my hand and she let out a raging no! then let go of me when I almost begged her to let me go. I reached for the door and noticed Jack fell asleep on the steps. I tried to carefully not bother him and walked away.
"I didn't mean it!!! BLISS I didn't I swear, I just heard, I didn't know how I dared say such a thing!!! BLISS!!!" I heard Danielle behind me but I didn't want to look at her…
"Nothing is your fault, I'm so stupid and so sorry!!! It's not your fault I don't think it is I don't believe it is"
"BUT I DO" I yelled and realijed there's more range to my voice than I thought.
I turned around to talk to her and I noticed I woke Jack up. He looked confused at us questioning Irish what happened and I felt bad.
Danielle's face was suddenly soft and fearful, I never thought her face could look this vulnerable and it almost killed me but I couldn't but get my point across.
"ALL my life I was blamed for killing my mom and sister by my dad. When someone you truly love tells you that you killed who they love, you tend to believe it. Whether it was possible or not, whether it made sense or not!" I yelled, "while you were pointing at me telling me that it was me who did this to your granny I believed it so much I wanted to apologije. Do you think I'm leaving now because you hurt my feelings? You did but it's nothing I'm not used to. I'm leaving because ALL MY LIFE I wanted to leave Baba so he can't be reminded of who ruined his life but I couldn't. Today I unfortunately can and I'm wholeheartedly leaving you." My throat was chocking so much I couldn't swallow, but I could walk and I did walk away.
Did I really have to get into Baba's room yesterday? Did I have to see the album? Did I really have to read that letter? It must've been private and I invaded that and didn't only end up in the hospital but the same hospital Danielle's granny was in.
Is this a whole other day? Because it feels like yesterday's repeating itself. I just hope Jade doesn't save me this time.