I'm not the kind of person who'd simply waste money on buying stuff that aren't necessary, but I passed by the mini mart today to get myself a bottle of water; it's too hot outside.
As I was paying I looked to my right and staring at me was an M&M's ice-cream sandwich… I've ALWAYS WANTED TO TRY AN M&M'S ICE CREAM SANDWICH! So, I added that to the bottle of course.
I wouldn't have bought it if it weren't this hot out and it is Monday today, I need to go to work and there's no air conditioning there. I took the bottle and tucked it under my arm and was excitedly unsealing my M&M's wrapping.
I popped the ice-cream out and took a bite and walked towards the parking's direction and something just felt off. I looked at the remaining half of my M&M's ice-cream sandwich and there were no M&M's on either side of the cookie.
It was the one thing I wanted and it's not perfect… I just had to find a bench to sit on to dramatically digest the idea that there's no M&M's on my M&M's ice-cream sandwich.
These things tend to happen to me quite often; I never ask what are the odds because the odds are already happening to me. Not the good odds at least.
I was raised in a home where money counts. Baba would forget everything except how much everything costs or how much he spent any given day, it was quite funny.
Basically moments like this when I treat myself to something, usually sweets or junk I always seem to get the one wrong thing in a pile of what's perfect.
I once bought a bag of pistachios and all of them were sealed shut and got so frustrated that I smashed them all with a hammer and ate the shattered pieces. Another time I got myself a caramel-less Mars bar, which was most depressing because it was like eating a better tasting Milky Way and I don't like Milky Way!
Baba once craved a KitKat, it's his favorite. It had 4 fingers so he shared one with me. He enjoyed his. I didn't care for KitKats really but he loved it so much, I just had to give it a chance. So I bit into it and it was plain chocolate, mine was missing the wafer.
He also bought me 2 phones and surprised me with them 2 times, we had to go back to the store both times because they were both broken.
I'm not a cereal person but the one time I ever wanted to have it for breakfast, it was stale and I haven't checked until I'd already made the milk so I sat on the table sipping milk off a spoon… and my dad is gone and I've never knew my mom and sister and I was only named Bliss because it's my sister's name and Baba couldn't deal with the fact that he won't be able to call her name again when she and mom died in the accident and he hated me for too long while laughing at how ironic my name was considering when I was born, I jinxed his perfect little life that turned into hell and I was anything but a Bliss…
"Your mother and sister died in an accident?"
It's like I was finally out of my head. I realijed I've dropped the M&M's-less ice-cream sandwich to the floor, which melted next to someone's white converse. I looked up and it was Juicy-Scarlett who had a tilted head and a concerned face.
"Was I thinking out loud?" I asked looking at the melted ice-cream frantically searching through my pockets for a tissue.
Juicy got to her knees and soaked a few tissues with the melted vanilla ice cream and with another she gathered the broken soft cookie on top of the wrapping paper and threw it all in the bin next to me.
"You didn't have to do that," I nervously yelled still looking at the stain my ice-cream had left on the concrete floor. "I'm sorry"
"You don't have to be apologetic" she sat next to me looking at the parking building "this one time, Blue, my sister you remember her! She woke up feeling sick and started making the weirdest sounds. I was asleep too but I woke up freaking out because I'm easily scared and I hate horror movies but I watched this one called The Exorcist, you know it?"
"Yes." I watched all the DVD's the rental provided.
"Remember the scary sounds the girl makes throughout the movie?" I nodded, she looked utterly scared telling this story, "the sounds Blue made were EXACTLY like that and I almost died! So I turned on the lights and guess what?"
"What?"
"She was just throwing up!" she laughed, I smiled along and then she looked confused, "why am I telling you this again? Right, I cleaned her puke that day, so don't worry I'd do anything for my people, there's no need for apologies" she smiled, what a perfect set of teeth she's got.
The sun reflected on Juicy's shoulder-length brown hair, it just looks naturally straight and calm. Not at all like mine.
Honestly, I don't know what to tell her. I wanna ask if I'm one of her people already, or what is she doing here.
She has such a soothing voice, which is so refreshing! One of our neighbors is an old man who adores listening to the radio, unfortunately his favorite station sounds of a girl with a super high pitch voice, her voice is constantly ringing in my ears and it's so nerve wracking.
"Have you tried radio? You sound like the voice for it" I rambled randomly.
"Really?" she looked suspicious, "the radio because I'm too fat for TV?"
"Fat?" my head went blank; why would she think that? "You got me wrong" I gave a nervous laugh; I don't understand why being chubby can make her look so offended.
"I'm messing with you" she gave a laugh that sounded insincere, "are you always this tense?"
"Honestly?" now I'm contemplating whether I should answer honestly or not, "I don't know! I don't interact with people that much to find out what I am with them."
"Give it time, everything's a bit harder at the beginning" she smiled, "is that why you left us hanging or you just didn't find time to visit Iris's Frost?"
"No, I just thought you'd all be there and I would just sit trying to follow your conversations and not know when to talk"
"There's only me, Blue and Danielle who you've met already and then there's Iris. Iris is a very kind hearted person. Strangely, I used to really hate her" she said shaking her head smiling like she couldn't believe it.
"Why?" My Baba used to say that hate is when love goes wrong, "What is hate than love at its worst" he told me, he always thought that there's no hate without love. He'd be like, no you don't hate something, you just love it wrong! It's like what we see on a heart monitor it goes up and down but it's just what hearts do. He came up with that one day when I started yelling how much I hated my fellow kindergarten classmate who opened the bathroom door on me while I was pooping.
He always did that. Baba never thought of ugly or any bad word people use to hurt others as bad things really. He just turned words around and it made sense to him.
"Because she's my boss…" Juice went on, "and I thought all rich people were meh. You know how some people feel like they have the right to hate rich people just because they were given more?" she asked but I never thought of that, she went on before I could…
"Sometimes I just assume things and act on them, that's my weakness actually" she looked at me as if there was something she really wanted to talk about but never knew how. She gave a sigh and talked, "I am confident! But sometimes I'm totally self-conscious. When I see people giggling at my direction I instantly assume they're laughing at me. And I'm always afraid someone's judging how I look and it bothers me how codependent the words fat and ugly are!" I nodded in agreement, she started playing with her hair and suddenly blurted in pride, "I'm a Harry Potter mega fan, do you know it?"
"Yes, I watched both movies." I said trying to imitate how proud she was.
"Both?" she laughed, "there are 8 movies" she pulled out 4 fingers off both her hands and opened her mouth with excitement.
"Oh," well that's a lot of commitment. The DVD rental only provided 2 of these movies… I knew there was something wrong with the narrative but I just assumed both movies didn't connect or something!
"I'll make you watch the rest" she demanded pointing at me.
"Sure." I said feeling pressured not to refuse.
"So, there're people called House Ghosts in the series. One of them is called 'Nearly Headless Nick'… I knew this girl who I thought was my friend. She always told me that she had a secret Harry Potter related nickname for me but she would never tell me what. I assumed it was like Scar or Pumpkin-Juice… cause my name is Juicy-Scarlett remember?"
"I do"
"Oh, I'm glad!" She smiled then was trying to look serious again, "so, one time she couldn't find her phone anywhere, so I rang it. She freaked out and started frantically looking for it but I found it first. She named me 'Nearly Neckless Head' she obviously gave it a lot of thought twisting that name and calling me it for her personal amusement. When I asked her why? She laughed and said because of how fat I am, so fat I don't have a neck"
"That's ridiculous; you have a neck!" I said so matter-of-fact-ly.
"I don't know" she pulled her shirt to her mouth and bit into it to cover her neck area. I think she's feeling self-conscious because she drew attention to it.
I do that sometimes, I'd talk about how my jaw and teeth make me say some words wrong and that would only make people pay better attention to what I say. Then they would point out the words I'm saying wrong and the letters I can't pronounce, and I'd feel self-conscious. Also annoyed; they wouldn't have paid attention otherwise.
I looked at Juicy and she was looking down. Without thinking, I pulled her shirt from her bite and fixed it for her. "I have a ghost story too if you're interested" I said.
"I am" she was smiling again.
"My dad and I didn't always have the perfect relationship" I said and Juicy nodded as if she already knew, "when he or life made me feel bad I never knew what to do. One day the movie Casper was on TV and there was a scene when the kid gets trapped somewhere or something, I don't remember egjactly but he just sat there and cried then pulled a chocolate bar from his bag and ate it while crying. As I was watching I thought maybe doing that would help when I feel down again. So not long after, my dad tore my heart apart… I took that opportunity to experiment with this and I went down and bought my first Snickers bar ever, got into our car and fastened the seatbelt. I didn't cry until I took a bite," I chuckled thinking about it in retrospect; "I cried because there were no peanuts in my Snickers, which restored how unlucky I've always felt. Eating chocolate didn't work but it made me realije how comforting it was sitting in our car's passenger's seat with the belt fastened around me"
Her face looked at ease, I'd like to think some of that was comforting. I took a deep breath, "it's not about looks" I started "it's never about the looks." I shrugged and Juicy looked like she was wholeheartedly listening, "I remember when Baba used to pick me up from school, the other students usually called him names and laughed at how ugly they thought he looked."
I thought I should explain better, "there was an accident the day after I was born that left my dad with a massive face scar. It scraped half of his right brow, almost sealed his right eye not to mention the messed up sewing of his scar that made his right cheek weird looking, to people at least. But I always looked at him and thought Baba was more than meets the eyes! Even though it was my heaven to see him" I smiled picturing my Baba's face and a lump started to gather in my throat.
I looked at Juicy-Scarlett who had her palms on her chest staring at me as if she could see right through me, her eyes watery and wide, her cheeks red and crumbly… almost like she's in physical pain.
We're on a backless bench so instead of facing the parking building like I am Juicy turned her back to it and dangled her legs the other side and then sat right beside me.
She wiped a falling tear and then wrapped me in her arms and I sat still, all I did was look at her hands meeting on my left shoulder.
"You're a good person" she said, "I'll hold on to you, if you don't mind and you hold on to that"
"I don't mind!" I said, "and that shouldn't be one sided" I wondered "I'll hold on to you too" and I heard her laugh. She might just be in need of a hug; some people need them.
"Too much emotions for a person you just met huh?" her muffled words gave me an impression of embarrassment.
"If all these emotions are egjactly how you feel right now then they're not too much, they're egjactly the right amount" I wanted to tap her hands but I accidentally tapped my own shoulder instead! I hope she didn't notice that.
I felt her squeejing me harder and then not long after, she let go of me and asked if she could walk me to work because she's headed to the parking building as well to get her car.
We walked the short trip and I took my seat at the cabin, which Mr. Hail (who I call Ammo) the day-shift security guard would leave its door open for me with a little rock because of the many times I slammed my head against it in a matter of few days.
Juicy went in for her car. When she was by the drop arm, I pressed the button that lifted it and just as I looked up, she was out of the car excitedly running to me and gave me a quick hug. I'm not used to hugs, so far I didn't hug back. She smelled nice though and I'm afraid I smell of outside and the sun.
She untied the rope I forgot about again, "what's with the huge uniform?" she teased.
"This was the smallest sije available" I smiled looking at my uniform, "cojy though!"
"Cozy?" She chuckled, "nice."
She got inside her car and yelled something I didn't hear and drove off. For the first time ever I felt an urge to ditch my job, shout at her to stop so I can get in the car with her and hit the downtown for a bit, with a friend for a change.
Ammo spends an extra hour or so around the parking building sweeping the area every other day. He was just done and waved goodbye at me, I waved back thinking about the time I thought I was being helpful when I swept the area instead of him and totally ruined his thing.
Turns out sweeping is one way he could get rid of whatever negativity he felt during the day. He's a man of few words, he says he's always been quiet.
Some people who don't know him would instantly assume he was deaf. People like to label things so much, sometimes things are just things and they don't always need a special name or diagnoses… he's just not into talking.
He did talk to me once; it was my first day on the job and he was telling me about the button and the drop arm and that the cabin could get hot sometimes and it was okay if I left and walked close by.
That day I didn't feel like going back home and wanted to see the sunrise for some reason. I climbed to the rooftop of the parking building. It was nice, the breeze was cold and lovely, the weather in January is my favorite. I leaned against the wall staring at the bus station anticipating the sunrise.
The sky slowly started to gain light and I was eager for something good, for the sun to come up and feel like it's a brand-new day.
The sky got brighter and brighter and I smiled waiting for the sun to come out. Then I heard Ammo calling my name.
I turned around and I saw the sun was already out, behind me above the schools where everyone from my neighborhood went… of course I was facing the wrong way. He looked at me and asked me what's wrong, why didn't I leave yet. I told him I felt strange about returning home to no one.
"You should know that I'm always here, whenever you need, I can cover for you" Ammo said looking worried, I nodded feeling grateful.
"I need the distraction and I have nothing to do so if you needed as well, I can cover for you" I smiled at him.
"Did you know that the farmer's market was an airport?" he was suddenly pointing at the farmer's market direction downtown with such fondness, I shook my head no.
"Yeah!" he continued "this whole area" he stretched both his arms and basically twirled "was supposed to be a luxurious neighborhood, the airport was alive and rich people came and bought lands and built houses. It was the only airport for miles, at first it was good money and lands were expensive. Then came a day when they realized it was just too small of an airport. That made them go and build a bigger more advanced airport some kilometers away and this one was left empty for almost a couple of decades and then it shut down. A lot of people have moved somewhere nicer… but that's when a company came along and took over and built all these tall buildings with small apartments such as yours and mine to populate the place. They sold them with affordable prices and now here we are coexisting with the rich people who decided to stay in a place they called home. It's nice isn't it?"
"It is" I said looking at the farmer's market with this whole other perspective, the big houses there and small apartments here both call this place home.
"You're okay," he said as he patted my shoulder and slowly started walking towards the staircase down to the little cabin.
Ammo never really spoke again but he smiled quite often, to me, to people passing by, to mean people, to rude people.
One angry driver tossed his hot coffee at Ammo one time because he didn't move the drop arm fast enough. When I came for my shift that day and saw his uniform damp with coffee he just laughed and patted on my shoulder before I could ask about it. He quietly went inside to get his broom and started sweeping around the parking building.
Our boss told me what happened so I can take precautions and make sure that no one does the same to me… but it only made me feel bad for the lack of respect Ammo's getting and felt like I wanted to protect him. I started coming early to work and sit on the near bench by the tiny garden to keep an eye on him.
"Pssst"
"Blue-May?" she was standing by the cabin's door, "you sure moved fast from calling me ma'am to pssst" I tried to joke.
"Oh well," she chuckled, "it's March by the way but just call me Blue."
"Right," I took a mental note, "don't you girls coordinate or something? Juicy was just here"
"No, I came with the bus" even with a smile, she looked as rigid as the day I met her.
She was wearing huge black shoes; they look comfortable but no one can really walk in something that big. This time she had round glasses on, the halos on its lenses indicated that she really can't see without glasses. She had no make-up on, I can see how tired she looked, vulnerable so vulnerable I feel like she should've came along with Juice so they could give each other hugs.
Knowing they're sisters, I can't help but connect Blue and Juicy together in my mind. Even though they only share the same eyes and nothing else… they would've had the egjact same hair if Blue's wasn't so long.
"I like the bus" I said not knowing what else to say.
"When do you get off?"
"At 5 in the morning, why?" that's like 6 hours away, pleaje tell me you've got somewhere to go!
"What? When do you sleep then?"
"When the sun is out."
"Obviously! I meant, isn't sleeping at night better? Oh whatever, can I stay with you here till then?" she asked.
The awkward me would gladly say no to her but there's something about her face today that I just don't have the heart to say no to.
"Of course" I gave a nervous smile "you can use my chair."
"No need thanks" she sat on the concrete floor right outside my cabin.
From the creepy side looks I managed to give, I saw Blue looking up and around as if admiring the sceneries. This girl is very pretty; could be the prettiest young face I've seen around, Miss Tea being the prettiest older face.
She's wearing green pants and a blue tee-shirt with orange polka dots. Pretty colorful for a person who looks so dark. But again, that's just my shallow assessment.
There's always more to someone than what we assume. She's got on blue socks with dinosaurs' prints. I like prints and characters and it's assuring to see someone else with an interest similar to mine. I may never dress like her though, purely out of not having the guts to be noticed.
But there's something about prints. Even at this age, if I cut myself, I'd be most torn between deciding whether I should use "The Moomins" bandages, the ones with the pink elephants or the ones with the tiny ships.
I also have a ribbon collection, not that I wrap a lot of gifts but I love the way they look. I only put ribbons into use when a shoe lace gets ruined.
A car is now by the exit.
"Can I?" Blue looked at me and smiled finally.
I nodded and told her all she has to do is push the one green button in front of me. She pushed the button then gave a laugh when the arm lifted. I could feel my face looking just as the faces of people in movies walking to their surprise parties. Such a joyous squeaky laugh that is, makes me want to laugh as well. Another car came along, she pressed again and gave yet another squeak of what looked and sounded like genuine happiness.
I found myself laughing along as she took over my job pressing a button and it made her so happy, I just wanted cars to pass by for as long as she's staying.
"How are you Blue?" I found myself wondering out loud as she laughed so hard and fell to the floor in tears.
"But you're Bliss indeed" she pressed the button again for no one and laughed one last time. "Were you asking how was I doing? Or how am I called Blue?"
"The latter" I smiled, "you got me right"
She nodded and rested her back on the cabin's wall, it creaked a bit then settled as she spoke. "That day when you read your poem in Juicy's class"
"It was a story actually" I felt embarrassed "yeah?"
"Juicy told us all about you that day. It had an enormous effect on her, it spoke to her somehow. I kind of wanted to know what it was that you read so bravely out loud to strangers… I like words; that's why I love to hang around Iris, the one you haven't met yet. She's a quiet person, often spends her time writing stuff down" she smiled and looked at me.
I heard what she said and started looking for my boyish wallet, it was in my back pocket. It's too empty I couldn't even feel it was there. I opened it and from behind our humble family picture of me and Baba I took out the paper holding what I read in that class.
"Here" I handed the paper to her.
"Oh, did I sound like I'm asking you to give it to me?" she looked startled, "I tend to sound like that sometimes" I hesitated at the sound of that but as I reached again for my wallet to return it she asked, "are you sure?" looking hopeful.
"Positive" I said, relieved; I would be consumed by awkwardness if I got turned down.
She looked at it and then I looked away, I didn't want to see her face while reading my words. It would make me nervous again.
"What made you write it?" I looked at her and the paper was still folded in her hand. "And what made you read it out loud to all these people?"
"Hmm," I started thinking about it, it happened impulsively. "Okay, my dad, Baba was my only friend. I was never good with people… that I guess, answers your second question; I read it out loud to strangers because I don't have someone to vent to"
"Didn't have" Blue said and put her knees together and hugged them and I felt like she was really listening.
I've come across a lot of people who just ask questions but don't really want to hear an answer. I don't know what's their deal but Blue now makes me want to give an answer worthy of her ears.
"I wrote this the day after Baba passed and was buried, it all happened too fast. Juicy might've thought it was a poem because I did make sure that it rhymed; Baba always wrote me stories that rhymed so that was me paying tribute to his way of storytelling. I guess this answers your first question…" I paused, "now that I remembered it," I chuckled not believing what I actually did, "I woke up that day to the thought that Baba is no more and I just had to let some of what I felt out because I honestly felt like exploding."
Blue nodded as if she knew how that felt like and was still giving me space to talk if I wanted to. Oddly enough, words were coming easy to me.
"I wrote that down almost spontaneously and barged into the nearest classroom I found, which apparently, Juicy was in. I stood in the middle of it, unrolled my paper and read it. The teacher had no sympathy whatsoever when she kicked me out but I didn't want sympathy, I just needed to get that off my chest."
Blue smiled looking at the paper and then at me, "you might seem like you shy away but you might too be brave… almost fearless when you have to" she said looking back at the paper.
"I do have fears but what people might think isn't one of them."
"We have that in common" she crumbled her face and smiled, I finally saw some teeth.
A car honked at me to lift the arm and I looked at Blue thinking she might want to press the button but she was hunch-backed looking at my still folded paper holding on to it carefully. I did my job and just sat there staring out my little window at the wall across from me thinking that this is actually lovely. Blue could sit for 6 extra hours and I won't mind it.
"People have always thought Blue fits me well considering how I look or sound," Blue said moving herself inside my cabin leaning on the side of my chair, "you're the first to wonder why am I called that…" she pressed the button for no one and laughed and continued, "you could be someone I lacked and you might make me wonder too."
It's 3:47 in the morning and Blue's still leaning on my chair, I've been trying not to move; I think she's asleep and I wouldn't want to bother her.
I'm a heavy sleeper, Baba was often insomniac. Whenever he was up and lonely he would watch TV and raise the volume to the max, which is not as loud as a better TV would be. But it was loud enough to wake me up; it's a small house after all. I always joined him and finished my sleep on my armchair reaching for his, he'd carry me to my room after.
A middle-aged couple emerged walking in front of us now headed to the small garden across the street. I'm not sure this green square meter of one palm tree qualifies to be called a garden though. But they seem to be heading towards it for a picnic.
The man is holding his –who I assume to be his wife's hand in one hand and carrying a picnic mat in the other. She was carrying a basket, both looking so happy.
He fixed the mat on the grass and arranged whatever was in the basket and they sat leaning on each other. I felt like I was middling in their beautiful moment and thought I'd give them privacy. I went back to staring at the wall here thinking how this green meter by meter felt like it was built just for them.
"Look, look" Blue was nudging my chair, I looked at her and then to where she pointed with her pouty mouth.
The water sprinkles broke off where the man and the woman sat spraying all over them… yet they just sat there laughing and holding on to each other as they turned soaking wet. It didn't ruin their moment; seeing them is the most comforted I've felt in a while.
"Thought you were asleep" I talked to Blue.
"I think I did fall asleep at some point" she moved her back from the chair and faced me, "does it smell like donuts here to you too?" she asked after taking a couple sniffs of air.
"Don't think so," I sniffed, "no"
"Tell you a secret that's actually a secret?" she asked excitedly.
"Sure"
"Romance is my favorite genre in life" she smiled. Every time she smiled, it didn't do anything to her rigid face, until now.
"Tell you a secret?" It's actually a secret too since I had no one to share this with.
"Do it" she answered excitedly.
"We have that in common" I whispered, "also, I like prints" I pointed at her socks.
"Yeah, my love for them is no secret" she said and fell laughing as I was distracted by Ammo. I smiled and waved at him as he was waving.
The hours he works are too long, he liked going home but he disliked wasting his time doing nothing. Besides, this is the place where people came to him and it made him content. There is something written on this cabin's old desk and I'm pretty sure he wrote it:
"Contentment isn't necessarily happiness; it's accepting of reality."
"My shift's over" I gave a hand to Blue and helped her up. Ammo patted me on the shoulder and went inside to sign in.
"Ok…" Blue said getting to her feet "are you going home? Do you need to sleep?" she asked and suddenly all the laughs she squeaked were washed off her face and it was rigid again and tired.
"I actually don't sleep until the sun's out" I shrugged "that's in an hour or so"
"Wanna go to the rooftop with me?" she asked looking unsure, "we just talked romance but that's not it" she tried to wink but it was as flinch-y as mine.
"The staircase is that way," I pointed to my right and she walked besides me.
We went up the stairs to the roof. I threw my uniform's jacket to the ground and laid my head on it while Blue was walking around looking at the sky waiting for something. She looked at me desperately, "just a bit longer" she said and then sat next to me.
I offered her half my jacket and she laid opposite me and put her head on it. My eyes were getting heavier and heavier. Blue kept getting up and walking around and then would return and lie down. The sky started to gain a little color and turned from dark to dim to bright. When the sun was all out, Blue finally spoke.
"Let's go, you're way past your bed time"
"I can stay longer if you're still waiting" I said feeling too lazy to get up.
"No, it's pointless" she said looking disappointed at the sky with her arms crossed, hands under her armpits. "No airplanes ever pass this town" she said raging…
"I've never seen one flying over before."
"Yeah, downtown is too flat, I thought if I went some place higher I might get a better view" Blue said looking disappointed.
"But did you know that the farmer's market was an airport, though?"
"No it wasn't!" she looked pleasantly surprijed.
"I swear! Ammo, the security guard you just saw told me about it!" I joined in with her excitement.
We walked downstairs as I told her the story Ammo'd told me. Something about knowing that there was an airport here, and the idea of that once upon a time this sky above us was constantly crossed with airplanes just made her rigid face look as innocent as a baby's.
Before I knew it Blue was standing next to me asking me if she could stay in my place. She came with the bus, which doesn't leave for another hour and she's too tired to wait or stay up the hour long ride.
"I could've stayed at Dannielle's if it weren't packed with people" she explained. I guess my face was already expressing how uncomfortable I think this is.
Not that I mind, it's just that no one's ever stayed the night and we don't have a good couch for someone to sleep on, we have two armchairs and the little beds.
"You're in luck then, my place is totally empty" I found myself saying on our way home.
I always thought I'd have a dad, Baba. I always thought that I'd look up and see him telling me that I got my sense of humor and nose from him. I thought I'll have him when I finally make him real proud even though he often told me how proud he was of me.
He was proud when I started eating vegetables without crying, he was proud every time I finished reading a book, he was proud when I went back to the minimart and told the sales person I was charged for three bottles of water instead of two. Baba was easily proud; he was a simple man. He laughed at every joke no matter how lame, his laugh was funny. I was all he had, he was all I had.
"Careful!" Blue shouted at me as I crashed my nose into our door, "are you okay?"
"Yup…" I unlocked the door wishing my nose would stop smashing into things! "You can take my bed and I'll sleep on my dad's" I showed her where my room is.
"Have you been sleeping on your dad's bed?"
"No,"
"You sleep on your bed and I'll sleep on the floor" she gave my shoulder a pat, and I was relieved. I can't stay in Baba's room; I've been avoiding anything related to him lately. I'd leave this home for a while if I could.
"How about we both sleep on the floor?" I asked.
"Would that make you feel better?" she joked.
"Yes, actually" I gave a nervous smile.
"Ok then" she smiled.
"There are no frames of photos or plants or colorful walls and furniture but your house has a homey feel to it" she looked around as if our house was vast and majestic "I like this."
"Here we go" I said after I'd pushed the armchairs to the TV and covered the floor with a massive duvet, threw a couple of pillows on each end of it and brought two bedding sheets as covers; we never bought blankets, Baba and I live for the cold.
Blue chose one side, laid on her back and covered up then pointed out our mustard colored ceiling laughing. Our neighbor was renewing his apartment and they had some mustard paint left so Baba took it and we spent that day painting the ceiling, it wasn't a good color he said but it was good fun.
"I didn't read your paper by the way" she said still looking up. "I feel like I want to read it when I've already known some of it" she looked at me, "what if I read it and grow attached to the emotions you've expressed, then it would be hard to let you go even if you turned out to be someone horrible…" she crumbled her face, "I'm not saying you're horrible. Also, I don't like to know more about people than they know about me."
Before I could wish her a goodnight at 6:19 in the morning, she was already asleep.
It's been a while since I shared home with anyone. Blue is sound asleep, she rolled all over the ground and I thought it would be better to give her space. I on the other hand am here looking out the window, which is not recommended around our neighborhood. The tall buildings we live in are so close, looking out the window would be considered snooping.
Right across from this window I could see Miss Tea's balcony. I remember how awkward it was spending time with her the first time; like I said, she was the most beautiful person I've ever seen. She's roughly in her mid 70's but she's got so much life in her. I remember sitting there wondering how more intimidating her looks were when she was younger.
But then she talked and asked me to call her "Sasha", which reminded her of her grandson whose mentioning mad her beam, and that made her easy to talk to. She didn't talk about him but her face turned adorable thinking about him.
She told me she'd provide me with mint whenever I wanted and that's been how I liked my tea ever since. She'd gather stims, tie them up and tosses them at our balcony every week.
I visited her a second time only to figure out that she had a daughter in her fifties who came over every Thursday. They argued constantly and hugged as much. They seem like the mother and daughter who grew old together enough to the point they became sisters. Looking at the minty balcony now, I realize I'm surrounded by families…
"If you ditch us again just remember, I know where you live."
My eyes left the window and landed where Blue was supposed to be sleeping. She folded everything, stacked them and placed the pillows on top. With a rigid face she went to where her huge shoes are and easily put them on.
"The buses run now and I need to brush my teeth" she said and headed to the door, then turned around looking as if she forgot something. "Thank you for letting me stay. I've invaded your space so much you couldn't sleep, obviously." She reached for the knob.
"No" I let out a hand dramatically reaching out to her while still standing, I tucked my hand in my invisible pocket when I realijed how ridiculous I must've looked. "It's not that" I gave a nervous smile, "I promise."
"Well, next time just sleep on your bed and I'll sleep on the floor" she flinched, I bet it was meant to be a wink again.
I could never wink. This guy once winked at me and I've been trying to do it ever since. For some reason, trying to wink makes my eyes twitchy.
"I like the floor anyways," Blue continued, "just spare me the formalities"
"Rich coming from a person who called me ma'am twice" I tried to joke.
"Hah!" She laughed and clapped her hands together, "touché" she said and left.
I heard the door squeak slowly behind her and once it was shut, home felt empty once more and again I just wanted to run after Blue and ask if I could join her. But I'm not brave enough to do that.
Baba used to make this dish of scrambled eggs with onions and tomatoes. I tried to make it myself a couple of times but the onions seem to bother me so much.
It irritates my eyes and they start to water but half way through chopping, I would realize how I actually never liked this dish Baba made. And that I'm only chopping onions to see if I'll finally cry out my acceptance of Baba's death, which hadn't happened yet.
Much like any day Baba craved that dish yet didn't feel like making it, I'll just wash and get into my uniform and go get myself a sandwich from "The Cafeteria" that only sells 3 kinds of sandwiches: omelet and hot sauce sandwich (a local favorite), cream cheese sandwich and tuna sandwich.
I'm always torn between the omelet and the cream cheese sandwiches; I'm not friends with tuna or any fishy eats. Jade the guy who works at the cafeteria's always kind enough to make me a cream cheese omelet sandwich.
I remember our first encounter about a year ago when he first started working at The Cafeteria. I was looking at the menu over his head that was all about those 3 sandwiches but couldn't sum up the courage to ask if I could have a sandwich mixing both omelet and cream cheese.
He looked at me and smiled briefly before looking at the menu, "intimidated by the variety of options, huh?" he joked, "what can I get you?"
He had a friendly face and I was the only person standing there but even with that, I just couldn't ask for what I wanted exactly.
"Number 2, pleaj-zzz." I stood there praying he didn't notice my mispronunciation… I'd just had my wisdom tooth taken off and I couldn't open my mouth to speak properly.
He made me a cream cheese sandwich and asked if I wanted it toasted, I said "yes, pleaje" and this time he heard me; he had that look of yeah, I heard that right! He turned back at me with a smile and I felt my cheeks turning warm with redness.
"Cool lisp," he smiled then apologized immediately, I guess my face showed how embarrassed I was as if it was wrong of him to notice how I talked.
He went to get my sandwich from the toaster and wrapped it with a paper, turned around taking off his name tag for some reason. He handed me the sandwich and asked what was my name.
"Ah, Bliss" I said holding on to the sandwich he didn't yet let go off.
"Sounds about right" he smiled and I could see his kind face, "I'm Jade"
"Jade" I repeated.
"See this?" He pointed towards his mouth and gave the toothiest smile. One of his upper front teeth was half broken, "this chipped tooth makes me whistle at the sound of the letter S sometimes. Quite a bother but it makes people laugh and that's cool."
He finally let go of the sandwich, I didn't even realize we were holding it together for that long… "It's not my place to give advice but just embrace it, it sets you apart." His teeth made a whistle sound, I smiled and his point was proven.
Whenever I visited ever since, it was easier to ask him to make me the exact sandwich I wanted. I wanted to have cream cheese with over cooked omelet sandwich that he called "the usual" at the sight of me. Sometimes I wish the whole world was as easy to talk to as Jade…
Baba used to be the one who scratched off days of our calendar once it was a new day. This was last marked by Baba on January 13th, the day before he passed. After that I was just counting in my head and right about now, I've lost count. All I know is that he's missing…
The parking's pretty busy today, everyone's parking their cars and running towards the bus station, I could only assume that it's a weekend.
"Security guard!" I heard a voice. I left my cabin and looked right and left and no one was there. No car is standing by the exit as well…
"Security guard!" I heard again and sat still as fear started to creep up on me. October is months away; this can't be a Halloween stunt!
"Up, up" the voice said again, I looked up and realijed I was still in my cabin staring at the ceiling. I got out and looked up.
"Behind you!"
There was a purple haired girl hanging her head off the ledge of the parking's second storey. She waved at me.
"Help me! My feet can't reach the ground" I heard her laughing maniacally.
I hurried upstairs to her, she was just hanging by the bars on the ledge. She didn't seem scared, she was hanging there sarcastically admiring the sunset even though there's no thread of sunlight out. I helped her down and she looked familiar.
"The wall didn't seem that high before I jumped on it" she said mocking herself.
It was Danielle, the girl who was hiding in the backseat. Her messy blue hair was gone, now it's purple and looks freshly cut… freshly dyed as well but still messy, almost extravagantly.
She's like one of those people who would wear everything, or color their hair the whole pallet and would still look good. Of all girls her dress code is somewhat obvious; both times I saw her she rocked baggy tee shirts or blouses paired with skinny jeans.
I would've assumed she was wearing the same thing if the writing on her tee shirt didn't say something different: "I tried to disapparate but my heart got splinched" whatever that means. Not that I remember what the first shirt said, it just wasn't this long.
"It's Danielle" she said.
Now I'm realijing I'm just standing there staring at her hair. "Yeah, I recognije you" I nodded, "I'm still on my shift," I started walking down the staircase to my cabin.
"Um, I changed my hair" she pointed at her hair as I took my seat.
"You look nice"
"Thank you, you look evil" she gave an awkward side look away from me, "force of habit."
"Right. It's okay."
No it's not okay, I want this girl as far away from me as my chances of having my Baba back. She seems so hard to talk to and I'm getting a vibe of intimidation from her.
Maybe because she's talking with such a still face, maybe because she's got a sarcastic vibe to her and I don't understand that form of speech perfectly, or maybe it's her extremely wide eyes that make me feel like she's staring into my soul.
Blue has such a rigid face but she smiles, this one has the softest features yet looks tougher to be around and I'm not sure I can deal with that. I think I'm sweating; thank god this uniform is huge.
I'm trying not to look anywhere but at the drop arm's button… the air still smells of hair dye so I'm guessing she's somewhere around.
At the sound of a car honking close to my ears I opened my eyes into the realijation that I've been asleep, for hours at least as the burning sensation in my eyes indicates. I'm still half asleep and haven't moved any muscle yet.
The drop arm though, was lifted and the car passed as if I mastered a way to magically press the button without having to touch it. But no, Danielle was doing my job quietly. Seems like my job didn't make her happy like it did to Blue… doesn't make me happy either.
"I'm sorry" I said getting up from my lean against the wall, "thank you." I didn't know what else to say really.
"It's okay, sure" she said as she sat on a chair right outside the cabin.
Apparently I've been down long enough that she didn't only cover for me but also felt like she had to stay and even managed a chair to wait for cars on. She didn't wake me up! If this isn't the sweetest thing a stranger's done for me…
"You didn't have to stay; a honk or 2 would wake me up" I gave a nervous smile.
"Next time you feel sleepy here the least you could do is shut the door" her tone was serious. She gave half a smile before adding, "split this with me?" she had a banana in her hand and I realijed I was hungry. She gave me the bigger half and took a bite from hers.
Whenever Baba and I ordered the same sandwich I'd actually hold both of them to try and weigh them. I always take the one which felt heavier. I kind of feel like an ass now that she gave me the bigger half.
She lowered herself and pulled 2 bottles of water, "here". She loosened the lid on one of them and gave me it. I took it feeling weirdly taken care of.
She took the banana peel off my grip and threw it in the near bin and sat back on the chair. I, on the other hand didn't know if I should thank her, apologije or pay back for the water and banana.
"Um, thank you Danielle you really didn't have to I'm sorry" I nervously rambled…
"I was hungry and I drink a lot of water so of course I had to share some with you." She looked at me with her eyes and I nodded, "It's nothing, relax,"
"Still sweet of you" such a stiff demeanor she's got, even the rhythm of how she sounds is stable. This is so nerve wracking, I'm using words I've never used! Sweet of you! Since when Bliss!!! Or is it Ah Bliss? Bliss why you so nervous? Keep it together!!!
"I just do what I think is suitable, I didn't mean to be sweet." She shrugged.
"Okay." I leaned once more against the wall feeling confused and intimidated by the sweetest person in the world.
People aren't usually this nice to me, they're only nice when they're forced into it. Baba was the one everyone loved and appreciated. Now I'm just ignored, sometimes I wonder if it were me who passed and turned into a ghost.
Feeling this invisible haven't stopped me from thinking there could be an infamous rumor about me that everyone murmured when I passed by. It's a small town and everybody talks, they might all know how my mom and sister passed the day after I was born and kept a safe distance from me.
"Where do you pee?" Danielle's face was suddenly softened by the expression that said she really needed to pee.
"Here," I gave her my keychain, "inside to your left there's an empty office, the bathroom should be stuck to it" I picked one key out for her, "use this one for the employees' stall; much cleaner."
She ran to the bathroom like her life depended on it. I guess everyone's got their own vulnerabilities. She was the hardest person to be around up until the moment she needed to pee.
"I do drink a lot of water."
Danielle sat back down and the air smelled again of hair dye. Still a better scent than me smelling like humidity every time I'm in this huge uniform. I looked at Danielle and thought it would be even bigger on her.
Everything about her is tiny except for her eyes, they're wide, brown and beautiful. No other eye would've suited this soft looking, tough appealing face of hers.
I looked away and started to wonder, why did these girls start popping up out of the blue? When did my internal dialogue stop being enough?
"Juicy made me come today." Danielle said bluntly in an awkward moment when our eyes met.
"You're forced to stay with me?" I said feeling offended, "I don't understand why she felt obligated to make you do so"
"She just thought it would make you feel more comfortable and see how easy it is to talk if you hanged with us separately."
"So even Blue was forced into this!" I said as I pushed the button for a car and tried to act like it didn't bother me. I thought she came to watch for airplanes…
"Not really!" Danielle said and I looked at her, "she quickly agreed; they like weird people" she gave a hint of a smile which looked again like a smirk. "I on the other hand was forced until I remembered how hard it is sometimes to have friends."
"It is hard" I said as a montage of people honking at me, laughing at me, mocking my Baba started playing in my head.
"I remember starting plenty college clubs in means of knowing people, they all got shut down due to not having participants!" Danielle said and snorted, "one day I started a Harry Potter fan club and Juicy-Scarlett came along, I wasn't really a massive fan but I was running out of ideas. That club was cancelled too but it was where I met Juicy and then everyone else."
"You didn't have friends before?" I asked feeling shocked, I assumed I was alone in this
"I did but, it's complicated"
"How so?"
"Umm," Danielle fixed her posture now facing me, I realijed she was the same intimidating looking person but it was less scary talking to her, "I've been running after people my whole life and it's been degrading. My family, my previous friends… I ran after them to the point I passed them and realized they won't do the same for me so I ditched them all, kept running."
"Your family too?"
"No, not my family" she smiled and it felt genuine, "they have their moments, they love me but I'm that member you step on their tail easily… I love them though, but they don't believe it, they think I'm a hard person, is hard-hearted the right expression?" she shrugged.
"You just need a heart to love, I guess" I said unsurely as if it was something I'd just realijed, "no matter the metaphorical texture of it" I said and before I regretted my weird swift line, Danielle's face softened.
"Man, I don't feel forced to be here anymore" she said and nodded not looking at me.
It hit me now how every time I got a fever, it just wouldn't show on my face. Growing up, Baba often thought I was playing jokes when my eyes got teary telling him that I didn't feel well. He'd tease me about it until he'd check on my temperature to realize I was actually sick.
Thinking about it, I even cried a whole childhood but my face still looked like it didn't give a damn… and people only believed what they can see. I just have the kind of face that looks uncomfortable or offended yet doesn't look tired or affected.
When Baba and I weren't on good terms, I couldn't ever manage to make him feel sorry for me and just forget for a moment that I was born in a wrong time. He would tear my heart apart with words, I'd go cry in my room or in the car's passenger seat and then I'd wipe my tears and sit with him, listening to him again telling me how I ruined everything… because how torn it made me feel didn't show on my face.
Looking at Danielle I understand how people made her feel less important; she had the looks of apathy on her face. But I don't understand how they still treated her that way even after she spoke… I even feel guilty for not wanting her to stay earlier.
"Want to know what happened?" Danielle asked as I realijed I was staring blankly at her missing eyebrows.
"If you don't mind" I replied; something to talk about is not a bad idea.
"Nah, long story short," she shrugged, "I attempted to cook as a rooky and one brow got burned off. I shaved the other in solidarity but they never grew back," she came closer to me, "if you look closely, you can notice which one got burned"
"Oh, yeah" I said noticing a change of color on one, "it suits you."
"Yeah, I act like it bothers me but it actually doesn't… but I point it out a lot just so no one gets weirded by it"
"What if someone mentioned it before you did?"
"I tell them it got burned then randomly note they got something in their hair or something stuck to their teeth" Danielle smirked, "they can't put me under the spotlight without me dragging them along!" She gave a perfect maniacal laugh.
"That's cool" I said both impressed and scared, "it's convenient too! You can dye your hair whichever color you want and not worry about your brows!"
"Oh…" she said and I felt more scared, I wanted to take what I said back. I knew I'd offend someone sooner or later!
"As if you were in my heart!" she said with a funny voice as if trying to mimic someone.
"Hum?" I didn't expect to hear that…
"My granny says that when I say something she was about to speak… or when we talk together" she paused and repeated now with her own voice, "as if you were in my heart."
"Like the jinx thing" I said thinking about it, how I hate that word.
"Almost, she just doesn't know that term."
"I like your granny's thing better." I don't care if it's playful, jinx is not a word I'd like to have yelled at me anymore.
"It'll be our thing then" Danielle said with her still face and visible heart, "along with granny."
We stayed in quiet for a couple of hours. Danielle went to pee about 4 times. She looked tired so I told her she can leave home before she missed the last bus. She wished me a goodnight and was on her way to the bus station, she looked back and waved at me.
The thing about Danielle is she's the only one out of the girls who came and spent time with me that I didn't want to run right after. She sold the idea of having a friend to me. A friend that I didn't have to run after to maintain.
When the parking got packed with cars and no one came by either side of the drop arm anymore, it got quiet. That's when I noticed a weird sound accompanied with a nice breeje coming from over my head. I stood to check and it was the shelf that once had a broken mini fan.
Now it's a shelf that has a working mini fan. Consumed with curiosity I grabbed it as if it's gonna give me an answer to where it came from… surprijingly, it did! On the bottom of it, next to the batteries lid was a little note that said: "Danielle was here".