I give Mr.Oberoi a peck on his cheek. He was like a spring thought in my winter thoughts.
"How nice it would be if the world had only us?" It was a thought but unfortunately it came out loud.
He smirks. "It can be for tonight."
"Shut up." I say trying to shut him but I end up smiling.
"I like it when you smile." He says. I try to stop but it just gets bigger and wider.
"But for real." He says. "You can be a homemaker."
My smile vanishes. "No I can't."
"Why not?" He asks. "Because you're afraid of what people will think? Which people are you worrying about? I'm sure your people will just be happy seeing you happy."
"I don't have many anyway." I mumble. What had I to lose. Only my mom and my two bestfriends.
"Tell me more." He says. "About you."
My life was very short but way too big. "What exactly about myself?"
"Your family?"
"Only mom. The rest of them I've never met or known."
"Why?"
"Apparently, my mother got pregnant before marriage so in the fear of being disowned she moved away. Then she kept no contacts with her family."
"What about your father?"
That was a sore subject.
"He is an asshole." I chuckle. "Left us when I was twelve."
He lets out a breath and looks down. "I'm sorry about that."
I laugh. "Don't be. The day he left was the day I liked the most. I was relived."
"Why?" He asks.
"Because he was him." I say simply. Truth was even I didn't know why I was so happy that day. There was nothing cheerful. But I lived for the first time that day. "He left us. Why did he even stay in the first place?"
"Because at the start he thought he could take care of you. Only later he understood that it was hard for him to even look after himself. He didn't want to be a burden." He says. His eyes are lost. He's not with me now. I realize that.
"Why do you know this?" I ask.
He shrugs. "Sam's mom left us. This was the last thing she said to me. We were young and full with imagination. But then we grew up and saw the reality. I didn't have the courage to leave though. I stayed like a coward."
Did my father think like that? Is that why I was happy that day? Because he was free that day.
"But I hope he's not cold wherever he is now." I don't mean a word then why did I say that.
"I hope so too." He smiles.
Little flashes of my childhood flash before me. Not complete memories. Just the times I feel pitiful.
That time my father had given me that distasteful look. I remember that completely. His eyes looked distant. He reeked of alcohol. His clothes were shabby unlike my mother's. She sat at the head of the dining table. She neither looked sad nor angry. She was numb. I was crying. He kept yelling things. "You're the reason my life was ruined." "I wish you died." "What wrong did I do in my past life?" "How did I end up like this?"
To whom those words were for...I didn't know. But I knew that day would change everything.
As I grew up it got louder, clearer and harsher.
It was clear he hated something. He hated something in this world very badly.
"You know..." I start. Mr.Oberoi nods. "At first I thought my father hated us very much. But I don't think that's the case."
"What is it then?" He asks.
I inch closer to him and he holds me lightly as he rubs my back slowly. I could sleep now.
"He hated himself. He hated himself unbearably. So he left us. He infact loved us. Or else he would've made us leave. My mother's love made him stay. But his self hatred made him leave." I finish.
"So the first thing I learned about living was that one should not hate himself even if there is no love. Not hating yourself is harder than loving yourself."
I place my chin on his chest and look up at his face. He was pretty like always. "You have a deeper understanding than you show."
I giggle like a child. "I learned that before I learned what self love in teenage was. I decided never to hate myself for anything."
"But you forgot something." He says. "You didn't let anyone or even love anyone. That is pitiful too."
"I was playing safe. But I don't think I can anymore." A tear slides down my cheek as I say that.
"Why?" He asks oblivious.
"Because now I feel happy, sad, angry, love." I say sniffing. "I feel like caring and loving now."
"And I hate myself for that."