"You look like you are in deep thoughts."
I don't reply to that. I am fascinated by the pictures hanging on the walls. I think she wanted them to make a patient feel comfortable and at peace. If anything, I just find them fascinating to look at.
"Can you share what's in your mind, Hannah?" the therapists asks.
I shift my focus on her. She seems to be about ten years older than me. She is a well renowned therapist, and is supposed to be so good at her job. I think she should know how and what I feel if she is good as they say.
"Nothing is on my mind," I reply.
She has an easy smile on her face, cautious, like she is taming a deer and is wary it will run away before she catches it. "Does that happen often?"
I don't know what she is talking about so I just look at her, waiting for her to clarify what she is asking.
"The leg. Your leg is twitching a lot. And you seem to be tense."
"Perhaps I am impatient with this whole thing that's why my leg is twitching," I state.
"You don't have anywhere else to be, at this moment. We have forty more minutes left. So try to relax."
"I am relaxed," I answer back.
She is quiet for a moment then she puts her book at the table. "Let's try something for a minute; try to uncross your arms and just put them on the couches' arms and then just sit back and take a deep breathe."
I hesitate at first but she encourages me with a nod and I do as she says. I take a deep breath and close my eyes.
"Now, tell me the first thing that comes in your mind," she says.
Trevor. Dungeon. Darkness. Pain.
"It's all blank," I reply.
"Try to look within. How are you feeling right now?"
Like I want to sleep for as long as I can. My muscles are clenched.
"I feel bored," I say instead.
She stands and I shoot my eyes open, sitting up in my chair.
"I am sorry, so sorry about that. Let me sit down," she sits down, her arms held out and then she looks at me without saying anything.
I pull my cardigan up my shoulders and look at the pictures again.
"Do sudden movements scare you?" she asks tentatively, this time her pen and book ready.
"No. you are a stranger and my eyes were closed.. Normal reaction for such a scenario," I answer.
She scribbles something down.
I want to go home, to bed and sleep. I feel exhausted already.
"Can I leave? This is pointless," I ask her.
"You can do whatever you want Hannah, this is a free safe space, " She replies.
I am about to stand up when I remember that Trevor said he will be picking me up. I know he will be displeased when he hear I didn't complete the full session.
The therapist is looking at me and when she sees that I am not going anywhere, she doesn't say anything either.
"Do you want to leave?" she asks.
"Yes," the first question I have answered truthfully.
"Why are you choosing to stay?" she asks gently and I sigh.
"I figured I will just wait, and my ride isn't here yet so …"
"There are so many options of rectifying that."
Yes I know, but there aren't so many options of healing a bruised rib is there? I just stare at the pictures and decided to just stay still and quiet until the time is up.
"We can sit here in silence, if that's okay with you," she offers and I look at her. Can she read minds too?
I don't say anything so she takes that as a yes and we stay like that. I focus on a painting I have decided that it's my favourite and just look at it, studying it. I remember when I used to go to gallery openings.
The soft jazz and the wine, people mingling around; it was a beautiful time. It seems like a lifetime ago. How much time has passed? I seem to have lost touch of time. All my memories seem to be like I did all those things lifetimes ago and in reality it was a year ago.
"Hannah? Hannah, can you hear me?" someone is calling me from afar.
I snap out of it. I am still in the therapist's office.
"You made it. Your first full session is up, congratulations," she says, and the only thing I can think is thank god. I now get to home and sleep.
As I walk out of the office, I remember the whole time I was referring to her as the therapist, I know she told me her name but I can't quite seem to remember it.
I see Trevor standing at the entrance leaning against the car. He is wearing grey slack, black shirt that he has unbuttoned the first buttons and some glasses. He looks good, and he is smiling at me.
I smile back, knowing this is going to be a good day after all.
"Hey baby, how was it?" he asks me as he kisses my cheeks.
"It was boring really, she kept asking me how I am feeling. I thought she was a therapist, not a doctor," I reply and that seems to be good enough.
"Don't be like that. I am sure you will be better at this as time goes. We will get through this," he says and I look t him, even though I can't see his eyes because of the sunglasses. "I want you back, your joyous happy self. She is good at that so I know he will bring my Hannah back."
I am starting to believe that she indeed will. But that would require me me to really say how I feel and that can never happen. Or can it? If I disclosed how and what was really going on, could she help me?
She has the doctor patient confidentiality so she can't say anything to anyone, not even him.
"So, because of that, let's get some ice-cream. You deserve it," he kisses me and opens the door for me.
Is it something I am willing to risk? Because of I do, there is no coming back from it. Its either I escape from this or I die.
Can I do it?