Journal entry from the journal of Jerold (FatCat) Smith; 1910 May 23
It's been over a year since the master was institutionalised and things are certainly not the same. Yeah, the circus is thriving still and Mr Cheetah's doing a fantastic job leading us but... it's just not the same without the ole bastard. Everyone knows he needed help and Mrs MacSeren is getting him that help, which is great... but we need that poor sod back.
I love this circus with all my heart and soul. I would die for everyone who works here. But if that man, who I've known for seventeen years, doesn't return to this place, his pride and joy, I will retire early. I'm already close to knowing what it's like living the life of a senior because I'm acting as TomCat's children's unofficial grandfather. Poor Mrs MacSeren needs the help anyway; with nine kiddies running around, life must be difficult.
Anyways, I don't know how all these scholars and respectable people keep up with these journals. I haven't written since 1908 and I know for damn sure I'm not gonna write again until 1914 at least. I'm busy anyway; helping raise nine kids, keeping the circus in check, and helping Mr Cheetah run shows. Show biz is and forever will be crazy without Mr Crazy (TomCat). He's the only man I know who knows how to handle this amount of insanity... mostly because he has this insanity himself.
Journal entry from the journal of Ivan (Cheetah) White; 1911 February 1
I heard a rumour recently that the Master was returning home from the loony bin and I can't help but hope it's true. I want nothing more than to see that man walking around this place again. Many of the newbies who don't know TomCat that well- especially the ones I hired recently to replace my sister and brother-in-law (Bear and Jaguar) who don't know him at all- don't understand why the veterans of the Nocne Macke all pine for this mysterious man, whom we all make out to be a "God of the Circus". They don't understand our tales of the great shows he would put on but I can tell a few actually fear him- as they've heard the stories of his sporadic behaviours and how terrifying he can be when he's mad.
The newbies can make up their own stories of this estranged "God", I know the real stories. I refused to see back then due to my own sheer ignorance but he was a strong, kind man, albeit avant-garde who cared about his artists no matter who they were. Freak or aerialist, he made sure they were happy... the only odd exception would be... well... Tae.
It seems as if everyone else had forgotten her, or there's this unspoken rule that we shan't speak about her at all... but I can never forget about that girl and the connection we shared. She was definitely not human but she had humanity and I'm one of the few lucky ones who got to experience that. I'm not ashamed to admit that I miss her very much and if given the chance, I would go back in time and fix what had happened. Maybe I would leave the circus for good with her like we had planned and grow old with her like I hoped we would be able to do... Goddamn, I miss her so much, I almost pray that she's alive in that cage so I can return to her and save her...
Journal entry from Bethany MacSeren 1911 June 27
Finally! After so long! I finally have my husband home with me once again! Ah, it's a blessing from God!
Well, since the last time I wrote about my visit with Reggie back in '09, a lot has changed. My following visits from then on were nothing but pleasant-with the occasional outburst or crazy ramblings. His drawings of nature and people not only improved but increased in number, with the other sketches and doodles of costumes and that ghastly mask fading into nothingness. I was quite proud of him, and he was of himself. The man was more verbal than during my last written visit and since then, he would talk non-stop about what had happened to him while I was away and, in turn, I would talk of the children and FatCat's oh-so-kind decision to help me care for them. I gave him their drawings for him and he would happily paste them to the wall by his bed. He seemed so much better than ever before and I put in a good note with the doctor about his behaviour.
The doctor was quite pleased with my constant good reviews and he made an effort to supervise Reggie more and see if his symptoms had, indeed, improved. Socially, he was a lot more kind and finally, after many months of not speaking, Reggie would engage in conversation with the other patients but only if they engaged first. He was obedient with the nurses and sisters and, like the gentleman I know him to be, he would inquire about their day and make sure all is well with them. The doctor told me my dear husband was a beloved favourite among everyone! I couldn't help but feel quite proud of him, he was getting better and soon my love would be his young, happy self again!
I told my husband of this great news and he smiled joyously and embraced me in his arms. After a long passionate kiss, he told me, "I knew this would pay off!" I could only chuckle awkwardly, as I wasn't sure what he meant but that was the end of that. He went on with rambling excitedly about the many projects he had planned for the circus and for the children. I was forced to listen, I didn't want to seem like I didn't care.
Well, alas the doctor finally gave me music to my ears when he told me that my dear, sweet husband was cleared for release! I had never been happier in my life! It all seemed like a dream as I was escorted to his room and I was able to finally tell him he could change into a nice suit and pack his things! I nearly cried when I saw that childish sparkle in his eyes as a glowing smile radiated his face.
His excitement fueled him and he insisted that he take down all of his drawings and pack them himself while I stood by. He moved quicker than I had ever seen him move before and it was hard to keep up with him. He moved with the grace of a dancer but his energy couldn't keep him from slipping up every once in a while.
Once he had changed into his civilian clothes- and my goodness, he looked so handsome- we walked to the front desk, signed out for the last time ever, and celebrated the moment we stepped outside. I had never seen a more happy man in my life! His smile was infectious and it lasted the whole way home! Throughout the car ride, he talked non-stop about his plans for the Nocne Macke and expressed his passion for creating a "new look" for our familiar circus.
When we arrived home, that was when the day became emotional. Reggie confessed he was nervous about seeing his children again, but I assured him all would be just fine. Sure enough, upon opening the door, our second eldest daughter, Amy, sounded the alarm and eight giddy kiddies came bounding down the stairs. They all tackled their father and smothered him with as much love as they could give and I couldn't contain my tears. I never want to forget such a beautiful reunion and all those happy faces upon seeing their daddy again.
Eventually, FatCat came peeking around the corner with my youngest in his arms to figure out what the fuss was about and, upon seeing the dog-pile of children on top of their father, he hurriedly approached to greet his long-time friend home.
It took a while for Reggie to finally get up, but once he managed, the two men embraced as brothers would coming back from war. It was an emotional sight to see, but it was beautiful and we all shared pleasant smiles and laughter. This will forever be a day I will never forget.
Journal entry from Bethany MacSeren; 1911 August 6th
My husband took two weeks before returning to work at the circus. During that time, he busied himself with his new projects and ideas. FatCat and I, meanwhile, took Cheetah aside to tell him of the good news that the ringmaster was returning. Cheetah was stunned, to say the least, and he expressed his initial thought that Reggie was never returning to work as ringmaster. This was understandable, as Reggie had been away for a little over two years. After the situation was cleared up, however, Cheetah finally grew excited to have the original ringmaster back and happily handed FatCat the most recent updates about the circus so Reggie could catch up.
Upon returning, a couple of weeks later (with me by his side so I could help clear things up with the newbies), Reggie was welcomed enthusiastically by the veteran performers. Tears were shed, hugs were given, and one of the freaks even made a plate of cookies for him. It was a happy reunion and Reggie was clearly excited to finally be back to reclaim his title as "Master TomCat".
However, it wasn't until the newbies met with him did things begin to turn sour. Reggie introduced himself and explained that he was the original ringmaster and was taking over, but I guess too many stories had passed from the veterans and were turned into horror stories by the newbies because they all reacted suspiciously. Very few were open to shaking Reggie's hand and even fewer gave him respectful attitudes. One of the newer trapeze artists even asked him if he was here to ruin the shows again! How preposterous is that?!
Reggie's welcome from the newbies was nothing short of disrespectful and even hurtful at times. They all knew where the man had just returned from and that's part of the reason why they acted so hostile. It's quite understandable to not work under the management of a former loon but it's not excusable to treat them with disrespect.
While everyone was rehearsing a show that Cheetah had put together, I sat with Reggie in the cookhouse while he expressed his concern for how things would turn out if he did continue as ringmaster. He wanted his artists to be happy here and if he were stuck with a bunch of inconsiderate youngsters who don't feel comfortable in his presence, he saw no point in running shows anymore.
I shared his concerns, but I felt horrible that he was considering leaving his position as ringmaster, simply because of a disrespectful welcome. I knew he had bright ideas and changes he wanted to make; he was so excited about these ideas as well! So I share in his disappointment.
Journal entry from Bethany MacSeren; 1911 December 15th
I'm afraid the past few months have been dreary for us. For starters, Reggie decided to resign from his position after only a week of working due to the cruel behaviours of the newbies. As much as the veteran artists tried, they could not defend their beloved ringmaster so now, he's simply the owner. Cheetah is the official ringmaster now and things have somewhat returned to normal (I still hear the crude whisperings of the newbies whenever I visit).
Secondly, ever since his resignation, Reggie has been showcasing his previous signs of depression before he had been admitted. I keep a close eye on him and it seems he constantly busies himself by making costumes for the circus. Cheetah uses them-although, he tells me that some of the costumes are certainly different from the previous styles that Reggie would make.
One of these costumes, in particular, sends shivers down my spine when I see it. It's like some twisted version of his previous ringmaster costume that he's grown so obsessed with. It's completely black and blue with a decorative tailcoat dawning blue feathered shoulders and black knee-high boots that have a bewildering four-inch heel on them. But, despite the odd feminine boots and corset-like waistcoat; nothing is creepier than the mask that had spawned into existence from his many sketches. The first time I saw the thing, I screamed because I had thought a demon had invaded our house!
But... by far the creepiest thing about the whole costume... he doesn't even need it! I originally thought he would send it to the circus for another performer to wear but no... he can't go a day without wearing some part of that blasted outfit! A majority of the time, it's the hooker boots, but some days he'll wear the mask or the corset-waistcoat or even the tailcoat on rare days. He's scaring my children and I don't quite appreciate it.
Journal entry from Bethany MacSeren 1912 April 16
Oh me, oh my! What a terrible day! The news headlines are everywhere and everyone's talking about it! The sinking of the RMS Titanic. It was a sombre day today in the circus, as we had lost two beloved veterans: Kitten and Mitten. They were on their way to see their family. Everyone felt the loss and Reggie even ordered Cheetah to keep the gates closed in order to give all the artists time to recuperate and mourn. His thoughtful decision earned the respect of a few close friends of the twins, who were newbies.
FatCat- who is now officially unemployed by the circus- even stopped by and gave his sympathies. That poor old man; he knew the twins when the circus was just beginning to start its long life.
I must end my entry here for the time being, as I must pay my respects to the dear friends that I'm about to leave for good.
Note left from Bethany MacSeren to Jerold (FatCat) Smith (unread); 1914 September 28th
Oh, God protect me and my children! I have made a discovery that has chilled me to the bone! I fear that if my husband ever finds this, he'll know of my discovery and hurt me! Oh, God protect me! I beg of you!
My husband usually keeps his work in his study and I never previously thought to intrude or bother him, as I know that he's busy with a lot of the affairs of the circus. Well, one evening, he went to bed fairly tipsy and left his study door unlocked. I became too curious and decided to snoop about to see what he's been up to.
Well, among all his costumes and business affairs, I found his drawings and a journal from the years he was institutionalised. God in Heaven, what a fright they gave me! Dear Jerold, I have married a monster!
All of the pleasant drawings he made and spoke about so proudly was nothing but a ruse to fool the doctors! His real drawings are terribly horrific! Nothing but mad scribbles that resemble screaming faces! There's a sketch of Demon, you remember; it's scribbled and smudged but I see her face and it haunts my nightmares!
But Jerold, it doesn't compare to what's in the journal. He writes non-stop about how his skills are "paying off" and I fear he faked his entire recovery just to escape! There are terrible entries filled with indecipherable ravings and more scribbles show screaming faces. There are even entries of him threatening to kill me if I didn't set him free! He threatens to kill staff and patients! He goes on and on and on about how Demon is alive and willing him to do these things. There's even an entry where he blames Demon's manipulation for his actions after he forced himself upon a man!
Please, Jerold! These horrific entries continue even after he came home! He was lying about it all! He's worse than I thought, Jerold! His whole motives for his bizarre ideas, the reasons for the costumes, his reason for that costume of his that I hate so much! It's all in this journal! Please, you must come and help us all! Get my children out of here before he hurts them!
Last journal entry from Reginald MacSeren 1914 October 5
This will be the day I prove everyone wrong. This is the day they finally realise that was right and they were wrong.
I am not the scoundrel people accuse me of being. I am crazy!
Tae is alive and I can prove it, I've seen it before. Why don't people remember when she fell off the tightrope?! I do. I remember it as clear as yesterday. She came back to life and she healed without a scratch!
Tae is alive
Tae is alive
Tae is alive
If she were dead, I wouldn't feel her thoughts scratching at the inside of my mind, ordering me around and telling me what to do. If she were dead, she wouldn't be calling for me now.
I will answer her...