I would've thought I had died, had it not been for the distant chirping of birds in the trees. If I had died, there would be no birds where I was destined to be.
Despite my want for my eyes to remain closed so I could pass into nothingness peacefully, I slowly opened them and looked around at my surroundings. The day was bright and hot and the autumn colours of the trees glittered like gold in the sunlight. Oh, how serene the forest was! I could lay there all day if I wanted, staring into the trees and wishing I was free like the deer or the squirrels who inhabit them.
Slowly, I began to recover the use of my horribly wounded arms and I pulled my hands up to my shoulders so I could begin the lengthy process of sitting up. The sight of my torn, gloved hands brought back my memories of last night instantly. Every bit of it; down to the last small detail that caused a pool of dried, sticky blood to gather around my head. Oh, dear God...
My chest reverberated with intense, blinding pain and I groaned as I pushed myself up onto my haunches. My breaths were ragged, sharp, and disgusting to hear; one cough to clear up the fluids that had accumulated in the back of my throat proved to not only be torture but bloody. I sat on the road for what felt like hours, wheezing painfully with one eye presumably swollen closed and the other barely open from my exhaustion. I tried to wait until I felt strong enough to stand, but my aching pain never ceased.
Eventually, I found myself staring at the darkened pool of dried blood that my face had been resting in. The disgusting, sickening mess was a dark reddish-brown and contained small, shredded chunks of flesh. I was reminded of roadkill... and I just so happened to be that roadkill.
A noise similar to that of a whimper escaped my dry lips and I shakily raised a hand to the left side of my face, wanting to know the extent of my damage. The very second my fingertips touched flesh, my face stung and I winced painfully; still, I persisted and felt around, delicately poking at exposed flesh. I felt unbearably queasy the more I explored, but nothing compared to what I felt when my fingers found my eye... or rather... the lack thereof. My index finger fell into the deep, bloody chasm that was my eye socket. There was no eye to be found within and the only remnants left were my horribly scraped and torn eyelids.
I was in a mix of shock, confusion, disbelief, and hopelessness. I couldn't bear the thought that the accident that had transpired last night took half of my face away, but at the same time, there was no denying it. I might as well end myself now, there's no chance of living normally after this!
"You're a failure... you're a failure... you're a goddamn... failure..." I mumbled weakly to myself. A voice in my ears agreed and persisted with the taunts; reminding me that if I died now, I would die with the demons stuck in my head. I would die with Her screaming at me that I did this to myself. I was so close! Why die now when I was so close?
After a moment, I regained my composure, determined to silence the voices and die with the knowledge that She was still alive. Maybe then, I could free her at last and repent for my mistakes. So, forcing myself to move through the pain, I went onto my elbows and slowly and carefully began to drag myself forward. I could only use my right leg in my efforts of crawling; my disfigured left leg was now completely missing and I never found where it had ended up. After a while of crawling, I soon had to stop in order to wrap a shredded piece of my coat around the stump of my knee so it wouldn't bleed more. I had already lost so much... I don't need blood to be at the top of that list.
I crawled on my hands and knees for days, it seemed. Dragging my broken body alongside roads and dirt paths at a snail's pace. My arms were weak and tired; I was sweating bullets and it was seeping into cuts and the massive wound on my face, putting me in never-ending agony as the sensation of millions of bees stinging me followed. Alas, however, I came across a sturdy branch in my path that I could use to hold myself.
I took a momentary break to regain strength before I grabbed the broken branch and carefully hoisted myself up. My chest throbbed once more and I groaned, hacking up more blood in the process. But soon, my efforts paid off and I was upright on my one good leg. I wrapped the last of my shredded coat around my head to protect my face and the moment I was set, I continued on; painfully hobbling on one leg, but going faster than I was before.
With any luck, I'll reach my destination within the next several hours...
...
It was high noon. The sun was beating down on me as if waves of pure fire were being poured on my back. Only my ragged coat protected my head and my shredded clothes barely saved the rest of my bloodied body. I was tired and I wanted to lay down and rest, but I knew I shouldn't... not when I was so close. Sleep hung over my weary shoulders like a mother teaching her child how to read, while Death lingered behind, waiting for me to fall off my horse so it can pick me up and dust me off. I would only allow Sleep to be close but not too close, for Sleep allowed Death to come closer and take over.
But finally, the trees began to clear and make way for fields of long grass. The dirt path made permanent by years of carriages riding up the hill guided me to the distant empty lot. I had no Big Top to greet me and urge me forward, but I had the abandoned vendor stalls and the massive gates that stood like the very gates of Hell against the backdrop of decrepit circus equipment.
The pleasantly smiling cat figures that decorated the entrance now seemed like jeering devils as they stared with hollow eyes. I shivered and looked down, unable to bring myself to face my own creation. This entire neglected lot; hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of land... is all my fault. Every last bit of it. This is the mark I left on the world and it will remain here because of me.
I pushed on, passing by empty, sun-bleached vendors and overgrown carnival games. Birds chirped in the long grass and scurried into burrows dug deep in the ground. They had not a single care in the world for the abandonment around them and I envied them. It was dead-silent here, and while I normally enjoyed the quietude... the silence here sent shivers down my spine and made my heart race.
I followed the path that I knew like the back of my own hand; it was a nostalgic path. A path that made me feel envious of the times when we performed here, and I strode through these paths at the head of a parade, proudly displaying my artists as I bounced around like a giddy child at the lake... oh, how things have changed.
But finally, near the far end of the lot, at the edge of a line of trees like it always had been, I saw it... the cage. That familiar lion's cage, modified to suit the oddity within. My hands were shaking with adrenaline and fear but I pushed on. I was so close... so close!
I paused to take in the sight that I so desperately wanted to see. It was so glorious! Only, there was an underlying thought in the back of my mind: I don't see Her. The thought terrified me and it was enough to push me forward in fear that She might actually not be in there. I prayed that was not the case; my journey would have been for nothing and I would die in vain.
But, in the darkness of that foreboding prison, I saw them. Two reflective dots peering at me from the corner. They came closer and out of the shadows, came two pale hands as they gripped the bars of the cage. My heart pounded and my stomach did somersaults; I saw Her face! Her face was dirtied by years of exposure and her hair was a tangled, overgrown mess, but Her eyes! Oh, how they sparkled so beautifully!
She stared at me noiselessly with her lips parted in a state of utter shock. But her eyes made me smile for the first time in many years and I was weakened as the years of regret and guilt were washed away. I was right! I was right all along! It felt so nice!
"T-Tae..." I muttered faintly, the word flowing from my dry lips easily. My weakness grew too much to bear and I fell to the floor before I could catch my bearings. Pain jolted throughout my body in pulsating waves but I no longer had the strength to cry out.
Still refusing to give up just yet, I shakily pushed myself back onto my elbows and knees and scooted myself forward. She remained frozen at the bars, watching me silently and intently. It was uncanny how still She was; even when I was seeing double from disorientation, She remained like a statue.
I continued to crawl to Her, despite my whole body begging for me to quit. I wouldn't quit, I won't allow it. My heart was beginning to pound too fast in my ears and my chest had tightened to the point where it was agony to breathe... still... I persisted.
At last, I reached the cage and managed to use it as support to hoist myself up. She was still staring at me with that terrified, stunned expression but if there wasn't a more beautiful sight than those eyes... I gazed at Her wordlessly, too weak to say anything as something in Her mind must've snapped Her out of Her trance and She began to tug on my torn waistcoat's pockets. She was searching for something, but in my daze, it didn't register as I continued to stare at Her. Her hands dove into my trousers' pockets as well, searching for whatever She was determined to find.
I was lost in my own mindset and Her investigation of my pockets never registered. Instead, as She began to cry, a confused and hopeless look in Her eyes, I took Her hands in mine and caressed them with my thumbs.
"I'm... so... sorry..." I managed to croak, my voice was fading into pathetic gurgles. I wanted to say more; lord knows I wished I could say more... but I was tired and weak. I couldn't. Tae sobbed; a hurt look in Her eyes that I blamed myself for; Her lips moved as if to say something, but only choked squeaks escaped Her throat.
The world began to blur around me as I pulled my hands out of her tight grasp, my gloves remaining trapped within Her fingers. Shakily, I caressed Her cheek, feeling Her soft skin on my palm until I could no longer feel anything. The world went black and I felt my connection with existence slowly fade into nothingness...