At that moment, I wished my dad never left. I wished I got to know him at the very least. I wanted to feel a little of what Lily felt whenever Albert came home from his months of travel.
I wanted to have that fatherly love but I knew it was impossible for me. It was something I could only feel whenever I went to bed but the moment I wake up, it was gone.
'Hey, happy birthday.' Alicia was talking to someone over the phone. My guess was Barney.
Barney was our cousin. He was just a year older than me but he and Alicia were really close. I barely talked to him because I thought he was a weird person.
He always pushed up his glasses whenever he spoke and he laughed like a revving engine. I did not enjoy spending time with him but every year, on his birthday and mine, our families met up.
Barney's dad was mum's older brother and they were really close so there was no way I could escape the family hangout.
'Kassy can't wait to see you, she's been talking about you for weeks now.' Alicia was probably talking to Menorah, Barney's older sister. I liked her so much. She was into fashion so I thought she was really cool.
My mother's siblings had interesting children who added value to the community or their homes but I was stuck with Nate.
I loved spending time with Menorah a lot because she was fun and her vibe was pure. There was certainly a time she grew very distant. It was during Nate's trials.
She had made a comment about being ashamed and not wanting to have any association with us. I did not quite understand her then, I even thought she was a horrible person but if I were her, I would have definitely said the same.
Alicia dropped her phone on the kitchen counter and resumed doing the dishes. She looked really happy. This was one of those times she totally forgot her problems and had as much fun as she could.
I wondered why she liked Barney so much, there was really nothing special about him, or so I thought.
'I was not talking about her anytime, you did not have to lie.' I said.
'I was not talking to Menorah, I was talking to Barney.' She looked at me and chuckled.
'Barney? Why would you tell Barney I was talking about him? He definitely would not believe you.' I was pissed.
Barney and I never got along and Alicia was filling his head with things that made me look like the desperate cousin who just wanted to be friends.
'It does not matter. Plus this year is going to be a little different. We're celebrating Barney's birthday with Nate.'
My eyes widened. I knew it was mum's idea. I did not like it at all. Not seeing Nate for a while made me feel better about myself and lifted up a significant amount of the guilt I carried around. Now, I was going with my extended family to spend a whole day with him.
'That's a pretty bad idea. Menorah does not like him, neither does Barney or Uncle Ray.' Uncle Ray was Barney's dad.
'I tried to talk mum out of it. As a matter of fact, I've been trying for about two weeks now but she said Uncle Ray welcomed the idea and I should try to be supportive of it.' She said.
Mum was definitely one to include everyone in everything. For three years now, we had the family hangout without Nate and now she wanted him to experience it again. Nate was not supposed to be treated so nicely, he did not deserve it but my mother was only being motherly.
'Well, there's good news.' She started stacking the plates in the rack.
'What is it?' I was not interested in the good news. I was too busy imagining everyone singing the birthday song to Barney while he cut his cake.
We were going to look like a bunch of idiots who did not understand the concept of imprisonment.
'There's two actually, one is that we're not celebrating Barney's birthday today. It's going to be sometime next week. Two, I went by Mr. Haris' office and he offered me a job in the sales unit.' She hugged the plate in her hands and smiled.
Mr. Haris was a nice guy who went out of his way to make sure the people he related with were comfortable. There was a possibility that he did not need any new hands in his company but he hired Alicia nonetheless.
'That's very thoughtful of him. I'm going to see Emily. I told her I would come by today.' I left the kitchen.
I was too angry about going to see Nate with Uncle Ray and his family to celebrate with Alicia and I knew she was going to understand me. I had to talk to someone about it.
There was no use talking to Alicia, she was going to wave it off and mum was definitely not going to give me an audience. Emily was my best bet.
Emily was sitting on the balcony when I got to her house and she told me to meet her upstairs.
She was looking through a fashion magazine and sipping orange juice. Her eyes were not red or puffy. She had not been crying or maybe she applied too much makeup.
She looked young and elegant. That was the Emily who was always at the school gate, waiting for the bell so she could pick up Lily and I.
'How are you doing?' She asked, looking at me from the corner of her glasses.
'I was fine until Alicia told me we were going to celebrate Barney's birthday in the prison, with Nate.' I sat on the chair opposite her.
'Oh. Will you be alright?' She asked.
'I don't think so. When Nate first got into prison, Menorah skipped the family hangout and put the caption 'distance is all we need from toxicity.' I knew she was talking about my family but my mum told me not to think too much.' I sighed.
'I don't think it's a great idea going to do something as fun as that in the prison considering what took your brother there in the first place but if you feel uncomfortable, just order an Uber here.' She placed her glass of juice on the small table beside her.
'I think my mum would be pissed if I bailed. This yearly thing means a lot to her and Uncle Ray because they are really close and don't get to see each other as much.'
'Kassy, this isn't about your mum or your Uncle Ray. It is about you.'
'I have an idea of what you've been doing lately. Cleaning up Nate's mess and being subjected to staying in the same space as him is not healthy for you.'
She knew. I had no idea how, but she did.