I opened my eyes. Two rooms were in front of me, surrounding me. The white ceiling of the hospital which I know very well that I can recognize without any difficulty and a room with a bookshelf, a rounded table, chairs and a furnace.
I saw two figures, two people with the same face in different places. They both called out to me, "Are you okay?" I just muttered 'dad', seeing a man stand up then approaching me quickly through my not fully opened and blurry eyes while I'm laying in bed.
I felt my head throbbed before I got out of my daze when someone touched my shoulder. I felt my whole body shiver from the touch. "W-what" I unconciously looked up more to see the person who touched me. My vision became clear and clearer every second went by.
I saw dad. The same person who asked me if I was okay when I woke up 11 years ago after I did something immature. "Are you okay?", he asked me again. I saw his eyes. It was worried again and confused. I just nodded.
Like I said, no one knew I went here. Not even my dad, I believe. The maid only saw me leave from the right side of the second floor. Of course there were some suspicions but it was cleared when I denied it after I woke up. They believed me, I think.
"About what I said.." Dad started the talking, turning his gaze somewhere in the room, away from me.
"I know. Let's talk about it." I replied without hesitation to ease the atmosphere. I looked up, took a breathe before looking down back. A tense and awkward atmosphere is always present when we talk about things like this.
"Get it." He calmly said but his tone is saying otherwise.
"Thought we were supposed to talk about that." I take a breathe, a little frustated about this. "This again." I uttered.
"Get it." He says again ignoring what I just said.
"No." I looked at him who's gaze still not on me.
"Why don't you want to?" He replied and then looked at me. I averted my gaze.
"..." Quiet. I didn't reply.
"You know I love you, right?" I looked at him and my eyes replied with a soft gaze. He saw it and took it as my answer. He continued. "And that I respect your decisions but can't you just listen to me this one time. It's for your sake so get the-" I cut him off.
"No." My eyes changed. I can only recognize it as a neutral emotion. "It means someone dying for me." I finally answered his question which he asked seconds ago.
"You've got accept the fact. She already got that since she was a child so it's inevitable." He said. I just shake my head.
"But it can be cured with money, right? The only problem why they couldn't do it was money. It means it can be solved, but with me, it needs to take another person's life. Someone who has a long life ahead of her. Someone who has a loving family waiting for her." I said without taking a breathe and not realizing that with every sentence, my chest tightened and my voice was raising.
He looked at me with a unbelievable expression. "You have a family too. You have us. You have your sister and your brother. We want you to be-" He said, his voice raising.
"This is the end." I looked away. Wanting to go out. Same arguements. "They probably don't even remember me." I said.
He looked hesitant before replying which I noticed through my peripheral vision. "You told me to send them abroad!-"
"Yes! It is my fault if they don't remember me!" I looked at him again, replied, my voice raised. "I wanted them to know me as a stranger who died, not as their older sister who died. And if they ever come back here before that happens, I want them to meet me as their older sister who sent them away because they're a bother!" I shouted clenching my fist.
"I know you deeply care about them.", He sighs. "That's why you came here, begged me to send them away, reasoned with me, that it's better if they don't know you, that they don't have an older sister who deeply cares for them", He shouts. "An older sister who will... so they won't cry..." He lowers his voice and I can hear it cracking.
He grabbed a bottle placed on the table which I recognize as wine. He opened it, then poured it in the glass which is also on the table. He grabbed the glass, his hand shaking while doing it, which I noticed. He started to drink it with big gulps.
There's a habit of his which I found out after talking about this argument many times although a lot of people actually do this. Whenever he drinks wine, it means he wants to calm down, forget things...that hurts him. And whenever he does this, it...hurts me.
"Dad..." I called out to him, my voice so low, that one could mistake it as whispering.
"..." was all I got. I know he has a lot on him too. Respecting my decisions causes him to get hurt.
"I'll leave first." I said before walking out of the room. I decided to give him space, so he can be able to sigh deeply without minding my response to it. And just like I expected, after I left the room, he audibly sighed, enough for me to hear.
I left the house, walked to my apartment, not caring about the dangers that might come in walking outside alone on a night. I looked at the moon. The moon is beautiful tonight. I thought.
_______________
I stopped eating when I heard the door opened followed by a someone shouting, "I'm home!". I resumed eating.
"You're late." I said after swallowing a bite.
"Someone came when I was about to leave." Mom said. "A person whom I only met today but feels familiar."
"That's rare. Considering you've been working there for almost half a year and no one visited even once." I said, my eyes on the food, still eating.
"We had a talk. A comfortable one at that." I stopped what I'm doing then looked at mom. Strange but not rare. She's always approachable so its common. I finished eating and stood up.
"What did you talk about?" I asked curiously after I washed the dishes and brushed my teeth.
"She thanked me out of nowhere then when I asked her why, she just replied 'someday, if I can'." Mom replied. Feels familiar.
"Does she have an illness or something?" I whispered to myself, walking towards my bedroom.
"Yah! Seo A-yeong, don't talk like that." Mom shouted and warned me. She heard it? I looked at her who's eyes are closed cause she's tired. She just changed the topic and asked what happened to uni today.
"I ran into a friend from high-school." Mom just mouthed an 'oh'. I continued. "Also saw someone I know." I turned around and walks towards my bedroom again.
"Then get along well." I felt her gaze on my back. I didn't stop. I just said a quiet 'okay'.
I eventually reached my bedroom and only stopped once I locked the door. Seeing her, meeting her again, I can't believe it. She still looks like her. Her who I fell in love with. Still elegant even though she's at her casual clothes.
I went to the windows. I closed my eyes then took a deep breathe before humming a sound I've heard many times.
Memories flooded in.
"What's your name?"
"Let's be friends."
"Are you free? Let's hang out."
"What's wrong?", I asked.
"I-it's nothing..don't mind me."
'Why does it feel so lonely?' I asked myself.
"Can you tell me what's wrong?" I asked.
"I told you it's nothing."
"Then why are you distancing yourself?" I asked, my voice slightly raised cause I'm upset.
"..."
"It hurts here." I pointed my finger to my chest.
"I feel so lonely." I felt tears escaping my eyes.
"I-i'm sorry.."
"Tell me what's wrong, hm." I looked up to her.
"I'm feeling something towards you."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"It's not friendship. Like romantically."
".."
"Right, I knew that would be your reaction."
"It's not that. I'm just surprised. My heart just fluttered, I think." I said.
"We're dating!" She exclaimed.
"Yeong-a yaahhh~" Her whining...
"I love you." She said that made my face heat up and my heart skipped a beat.
"What's that?" I asked.
"Ah, this. It was hummed to me by someone special to me." She said.
"Who?"
"I'll tell you someday, that is if I can."
"You don't want to be with me forever?" I asked.
"It's not like that." "I'll tell you in the future."
"Why haven't you cleared the rumors?" I asked, my voice raised. I trust you. But your response was different from what I expected.
"Why should I?"
"What.."
I hummed the wrong note when the time everything went wrong appeared. I opened my eyes, disturbed by the wrong note, also by the memory.
I realized why it was familiar. She said that to me once. I guess she intented to leave me right from the beginning. I swept away those thoughts because it's meaningless. Past is past. Then maybe I'm still in the past.
I looked outside the window feeling the air hit my face then looked up when I noticed the light of the moon. The moon is beatiful, isn't it?
I pulled my head back in then closed the curtains alongside the window. I went to my bed after closing the lights. It took me some time to sleep but I did at the end.
______________
I arrived at my apartment. Dark. I didn't bother to open the lights. I just went to the bathroom and did what I have to do before going to my bed. I stared at the ceiling for a while before realizing there's also a class tomorrow.
I hummed a song that was once hummed to me when I was kid by someone so I can sleep at night. She's gone, that's why no one except me and dad heard it. I hummed it to Ji-a and Aren, also to Yeong-A. I only told them it was from someone special. And I hummed it to them because they're special.
I slowly felt drowsy but I still continued to hum. It was getting quiet and it reminds me of that place. The place where I'm drowning. Or maybe I already drowned there.