I am Ryunosuke Nakahara.
I am 26 years old.
My husband is Hideki Asagiri, 28.
We have been married for 6 years.
I was in a car accident that led me to lose a good chunk of memories before the accident and it cursed me with amnesia.
My husband used to work but retired when he had to take care of me after the accident.
Now I live here with my husband.
He does not work anymore as he needs to be here tending to my every need.
I sigh, as I rephrase this newfound information in my mind, again and again like a stuck CD. I prepared myself. So that if, I get lost I can recall them.
I have amnesia, it affects different people differently as Hideki mentioned.
My memory cleans itself, every time I sleep. I knew all these new memories will be of no use the next morning. Still, repeating them in my mind gave me a sense of comfort, sense of power and control. I look at my untouched plate. He cooks well but I am not hungry anymore as I realise all those precious memories I just gathered were not for me to keep forever. Why? Is it not my right?
"Eat Ryu," I look over at the source of the voice. Did he speak less, habitually or was it a significantly bad day? I wonder.
"I will go to bed...don't feel hungry."
He nods, giving me an encouraging smile. I cannot believe that this man's whole life consists of just taking care of me now. I feel a pang of guilt rush through me. Because of me, he is stuck babysitting a grown man.
Even though a part of me knows it wasn't my fault. It was the accident and yet it was me he was taking care of at the end of the day. I felt pure hatred towards him. The person who did this to me, whoever was driving that wretched car. Hideki says he doesn't know who actually it was and it's the past now so we should look past it. Past forgotten things, much like my memories. I walk to our shared bedroom; I go to the bathroom and lock it as I sink to the floor, tears roll down my cheeks. I feel so helpless. So very small, insignificant and burdensome.
It is a cold, heart-stopping fear, colder than the icy floor underneath me. It is scary. Scary, to even think of my circumstances. I try to imagine his dilemma. Having to wake up to your own husband shrieking, scared of you. Probably swearing at you, frightened and hostile. I didn't know which was worse, mine or his case. When I sleep, I will forget everything. Even this fear I harbour right now. Even this fear of losing myself, but he? He has to face it every day. Every day of his life, every waking hour. Every second he lives; he knows I cannot remember how much I loved him. How much he loves me. The thought pains me. I can't imagine myself in his shoes. Always being the one to have faith in our love. I can't imagine being with myself. Loving me, loving a man who forgets his own husband every damn day.
I could not care to keep my sobs down; they came like a waterfall. It's a whole raging crying episode now. I feel my tears wet my cheeks, burning my skin. I can hear my own sobs, hear Hideki's footsteps coming up the wooden stairs, to see my own crying reflection in the full-length mirror in front of me. It's a beautiful piece with carved wooden edges. Must be really expensive. Another object, I don't remember having.
'Ryu, please, open the door.'
I can hear Hideki on the other side of the door, my back is pressed to it. I can feel the weight he exerted on the door, probably leaning on the door his forehead pressed to it as he cooed for me to open it. I try to imagine the things he was worried about right now. What could an amnesiac do? kill themselves? harm? he must be so anxious. I realize I am making it harder for him. I stand up drying my tears with my long-sleeved shirt's sleeve. A shirt I don't remember putting on.
"Just a second," I take a look at myself.
"Just a sec!" I call out again, taking one last look at myself, my mature face which I do not remember growing into, before opening the door.
Hideki stands there looking at me, his eyes soft and pain visible in the depths of them.
"Been crying?" he softly asks. His tone so reassuring, I can not help but somehow be comforted. I nod solemnly.
"You are so brave, you know? I love you, it's okay to cry but don't do it alone, I am here with you," he grins showing his teeth, a sudden feeling of happiness and reassurance and a feeling of contentment overflowing me. I knew whatever had happened, I was really happy in the life I had before this tragedy.
I had Hideki Asagiri with me.
"Hideki come to bed, I am really sleepy."
"So bossy!" He chuckles throwing a pillow my way,
"How can you say that to a person who is in so much pain and confusion, you demon," He looks at me with a grin, "I just did," he says
"I hope tomorrow I wake up and slit your throat first-hand, I can't go to jail, can I?"
"Getting your hopes high, huh?" he starts to laugh and I can not help but laugh with him.
"What else can I count on, now that I am stuck with you."
"Stuck with me? Excuse me? You need to get your ass whacked."
"You are terrible," I say as I cuddle closer to his body, to his warmth and protection.
"You think so?" he replies in a distant tone, almost to himself. I doze off into a soft slumber as I feel the light breeze through the open window calming my nerves.