I was surprised when I heard his voice, huskier than I remembered. Though if he had been crying half of what I had that could explain it. Well, probably the pass of time had something to do with it too. It took me a moment to collect myself but he just stayed there, quiet.
It had been 10 years since I'd seen this man, and things did not end well back then.
They say time heals all, but I haven't been completely able to forgive him. Or forget him, for that matter.
I was suddenly very self-conscious of how I looked, I felt my cheeks wet - though I couldn't remember crying just now – and my eyes puffy and I'm sure also very red… Suddenly I was ashamed of the thought of him seeing me like this for the first time in ten years.
"C'mon, get a grip!", shouted my own inner voice, "this man has seen you through worse, and so have you" my inner bitchy-conscience-voice was right, it was nonsense. Then she added, "And he has seen you naked quiteee a few times, why should you be ashamed of a few tears?"
I shook my head slightly - imperceptible for him, or so I hoped - suddenly flushed, trying to erase that from my mind.
"That's not an accurate nickname for me right about now" I replied, turning around to face him with a sad, tired smile, the only one I could muster.
There he was, casually leaning on the doorframe, gorgeous as ever even with how tired he looked. He had grown a beard since the last time I saw him, that he kept neatly trimmed, and gave him an older and more mature look, his dirty blond hair was a bit longer now, casually slicked back, and probably he had grown a few inches - oh no, wait – he was just hunkier now. Whatever it was, he looked incredibly attractive.
30's never looked so good.
"Oh, great, couldn't he just have grown fat and wrinkly?" my inner bitchy voice struck again!
Then, he gave me one of his characteristic crooked smiles and I could have sworn his calming light blue eyes lighted up when I turned around, even though the redness and the bags that surrounded them, but faded quickly as sadness came back to them.
"Guess I'm not the only one who has barely slept a wink, eh?" I said, trying to make small talk and avoid the matter at hand.
"I guess we both look as tired as we feel." He answered standing up straight and walking a couple of steps towards me, tentatively. "What were you doing here staring at the backyard? You looked deep in thought when I came in." as I was silent for a minute he added, "You haven't settled in yet, I saw your suitcase by the door." Of course, he realised I had been here for a while, he always read me so well it was almost frustrating at times.
"I don't know… I was… processing I guess…" I was trying to avoid his eyes by then and fighting back tears. Good time to come back girls, thank you. It's not that I didn't want to cry in front of him – I didn't, though, after all this time – but I was also really tired and I didn't need any more pity today, I came to a point where I felt I just needed to be alone with my grief. "I guess I had the feeling that she was going to be here when I entered that door. I just wished… wished that everything was just a misunderstanding or something. But everything is empty… like she's still here… but she isn't." Tears wetted my cheeks again, and I finally looked up and met his eyes, they were glossy and red, understanding.
He was about to join me.
"I know…" he gently cupped my face, whipping my tears with his fingers while getting even closer and hugged me tight as he started to cry too.
I guess I forgot he was feeling exactly like me, and probably we were the only ones who can console each other right now. His scent felt familiar, yet different, but everything about his embrace felt so right at that moment. I was wetting his shirt with my never-ending tears, and the same was happening on my shoulder. Neither of us seemed to want to pull away, so we just stayed there, comfortably sharing our sadness.
It still felt the same, 10 years apart felt like only 10 hours. That's all it took to stir something inside me.
I wondered if he was had the same feeling, or if it was just me...
And suddenly, I don't know if it was because at this moment I had to let go of some pain, everything was forgotten, and everything was forgiven.