Sunday, 26th. April. 2015
Today is the day. I'm moving back home.
The memories I'd recovered last night had undoubtedly shaken my heart to its very core.
The peek of emotions that had been building since I left were spilling out. And I just couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to be back with them. No. I needed to go back to them. That's where I belong.
For some time, I'd been avoiding or downplaying so much of their affections. But my heart just wouldn't let me any longer.
Perhaps, it wasn't them I feared. It was opening up my heart to their love. That was what scared me. Because if I did, and it all came crumbling down, it'd tear me apart.
Jin had told me many times to throw my doubts away and trust in them. Instead, I'd refused.. even fought with him about it.
Yoongi had incessantly been there for me, no matter the circumstances. The sheer timing of it being whenever I was on the brink of danger only had me believing it was fated.
Joon, my stupidity is overwhelming. I don't blame you for turning around and calling out my indecisiveness so bluntly. The disregard I've had for your feelings.. I'm ashamed.
All I can do is go over the turn of events in my head, replay them, and feel like an idiot.
Tae had been so intense lately, but was it only because it scared him to lose me again?
As much as I'd struggled to accept it, avoiding dealing with my feelings, it'd only led me to feel even worse.
Hoseok had been so distraught when I'd run away. I still remember him crying so vividly, it hurt my chest to imagine. I'd done that. It was because of me. He'd told me as much that night by the river. He told me whenever he felt sad, I was the one who soothed him. Yet, when he needed me, I wasn't there.
I resisted Jimin, too. And how that blew up in my face. All I'd done by avoiding dealing with my feelings was hurt him. Enough so that he resorted to flirting with some other girl to try to get my attention. He also told me time and time again, I need them as much as they need me.
I rubbed at my eyes with the back of my hand and huddled my bedsheets closer. Jungkookie. He was the one I'd done the most wrong by. My heart ached at the thought of it.
I was his first. I felt how much he cared for me. Everything he did was filled with the purity of his heart.
How could I have been so cruel?
How can I even live with myself?
How much had he hurt on account of my stupidity and reluctance to deal with reality?
This needed to be fixed. I needed to fix all of it. I needed to go back to them. That was the first step. It was overwhelming, not knowing where to go from there. But, screw it, I'll figure it out on the way. Somehow.
My heart belonged to them. And no matter how hard I tried, there was no stopping it.
The note Jin had written me floated back into my mind. And even more of the puzzle seemed to fit in place… the reaction I'd had to Joon ways back, could very well have been related to that. At the time I hadn't known, even now I couldn't remember being assaulted. But, an irk deep in my heart led me to believe it was the truth.
It scared me to remember such a thing happening, and for the first time, I thanked my memory loss and saw it as a twisted blessing. The times they'd said they wanted to protect me, not tell me things. If I was assaulted, I could now understand why. I'd been so short sighted this entire time.
They'd struggled immensely, all on account of me.. As much as they didn't want me to hurt, I didn't want to hurt them, either.
I need to call Koh and get him to help me move my things back home.
Should I call the boys too and let them know I was coming back? Wouldn't it be awkward if I just showed up without saying anything? Ugh.
I put my worries aside and called Koh to see if he had time to help me today, which he agreed to. So, I slipped out of bed, washed up and then packed my things.
Within the hour, Koh arrived with some boxes and helped me organise my things. He really was such an angel. Part of me was going to miss having him around. While the two of us carried boxes of my things and piled them in the lobby, Mr Kim caught us on his way out.
I hadn't even mentioned that I was moving to him and he was just as surprised as I'd have expected at the sudden news. Part of me held an anxiety at his reaction. Surely, I'd be met with some kind of resistance. But he seemed to be fine with it. The only thing he said that stayed with me was a little something he muttered when I was making my way out with Koh.
"Just don't forget that you work for me now," he'd given a seemingly amiable smile. I didn't know if there was more meaning behind his statement. Was it a double-edged threat or reminder? It may well have been but, it's not like I planned on quitting my job any time soon. I enjoyed it quite a lot, and I'd told him as much when he'd asked about what I planned to do regarding it.
On the drive back, I messaged Hoseok to tell him the news, and that I was on my way back. I knew the boys were on the verge of releasing their new album and their schedules were probably packed right now, so I didn't expect them to be around when I got there. But I still wanted to let them know. A small bubble of excitement hit me when Hoseok replied, saying he'd be waiting out the front for me when I got there to help me move back in.
The day was shining brightly, the breeze that slipped in from the cracked open car window was warm. As we pulled down a small side street and the familiar neighborhood came into view, I felt a wave of nostalgia wash over me. It really hit me how much I'd missed this little tucked away slice of peace. The bathhouse, which I still hadn't had the pleasure of visiting. And the little local café across the street.
I remembered the time Joon had ridden me to school on his bike. The time they'd first moved in, images of them carrying furniture together flashed through my mind.
I was home.. And I was no longer colorblind.
Hoseok was there, standing out the front of my place, waving as we pulled up. As soon as I got out of the car, he wrapped his arms around me in a warm hug.
"I'm so relieved you came home," his words got lost in my hair as he muttered them. I nodded into the softness of his chest. "Me too."
Hoseok let go, giving me a smile before Koh got out of the car and approached us.
"Hobi, long time no see," Koh greeted him. I watched in curiosity as they did a bro handshake as though they were old friends.
"Yeah, it's good to see ya. Hope you've been taking care of our girl," Hobi said.
"Huh? You two know each other?" I questioned. Feeling dumbstruck.
"Ah yeah, we go back." Koh said, scratching at the back of his head awkwardly before turning to Hoseok. "By the way, let Namjoon know I'll catch up with him soon."
"Yeah, sure. Will do" Hoseok nodded, lips pursed in a smile. Before I questioned any further, both Koh and Hoseok started unpacking the car, so I hurried to give them a hand.
The three of us carried all my things up the stairs and put them aside while I fumbled with my keys to open my front door. As I stepped inside, I looked around at the familiar surroundings of my apartment. The mustard cushions of the couch and the big window by it. My bed, still neatly made. The kitchen, unused but clean as a whistle.
The only thing that was different was that there were a bunch of diffusers scattered around in different places, one by the bed, by the couch, on the island counter.
"What's with all the diffusers?" I looked to Hoseok as he carried a box towards my wardrobe and dropped in on the floor.
"Jungkook put them everywhere. He thought it'd keep the place fresh for when you came home," Hoseok laughed, "I tried to tell him he was going a little overboard but that boy, ahhh," He gave a sigh and shook his head in amusement.
"That's so sweet, but did he really need this many? There's like..," I looked around and counted them. "Thirteeen?! Wow."
"He's also been coming over and doing your laundry.." Hoseok mentioned. I felt a wave of embarrassment hit me.
"What?! No, he has not?!" I spluttered, but Hoseok just laughed and gave a nod. "He takes his laundry seriously, Jia."
"But.. it's not his laundry, it's mine.." I rubbed my forehead worriedly. Maybe I needed to have a talk with Jungkook when I saw him.
After the three of us had brought everything inside, Koh had to get going. Before he left he told me he'd be in touch. Technically, he was still assigned to help me, seeing as I still was very much working for his boss and that Kai would still come to pick me up and drop me home from work.
Hoseok and I took a break and went over to the cafe across the street and picked up a light snack for lunch. Which we took back to my place to eat together.
"So, dare I ask? What made you change your mind about moving back in?" Hoseok asked as he took a mouthful of rice from his bowl and ate it.
"So many memories have been coming back to me lately. I think I'm finally understanding why you all care about me so much. And how much I care about you all too.." I took a sip of my coffee as I told him what was on my mind.
"That's a relief. It's been hard, there's been misunderstanding along the way, too. I was worried that we'd lost you for sure back then, when you saw Jin's gun," Hoseok gave a sigh and put his chopsticks down before looking directly at me.
"There are still chunks of my memories that are missing. But, I remember how we all met, me working as a hostess. Then it gets fuzzy." My vision became unfocused as I tried to recall. Hoseok stayed silent, giving me a moment.
"I recall.. I used to live in a club you all owned. Snippets of times I'd spent with you all. Happy times we'd shared. Star gazing with Jimin. Reading with Joonie. Working on music in the studio with Yoongi. Us, together in the dance studio, too."
"Jia," Hoseok's face was turning a shade of red as I went on.
"But I still don't remember certain things. Maybe they're things better left forgotten. I've been told that over and over, been told you were all trying to protect me by keeping things from me."
"I'm sorry I doubted you and the others. From now on, I'm going to trust in you. In all of you. I'm sorry if I hurt you."
"Shit, you make it sound like it's your fault, it's not," Hoseok scooted over to me and embraced me. I held on to him as he patted my head.
"I think.. mostly, I can put my worries to rest. Even if there are things I don't know about you all, I just need to let it go and live in the now."
"Please believe me, there were so many times we wanted to tell you certain things, but it just wasn't that simple. This was for the best, that you remembered them on your own."
"Mm."
"The others are going to be so relieved. Is it alright if I tell them?"
"Yeah, of course. I know you guys gossip like crazy anyway," I giggled. Hoseok awkwardly laughed too.
At that moment, Hoseok's phone rang, so he picked it up. After a quick discussion, he hung up and gave a sigh. He needed to head into the agency, so, reluctantly, he said goodbye and left me on my own to finish unpacking.
Once I'd finished, the day's last light was fading away and being replaced with a peachy pinkish and blue hue in the clouds. I stifled a yawn, cracked open my window a little and then laid down on my bed. Packing away and organizing all my things had really taken it out of me. A spell of sleepiness hit me and I gave way to my eyelids' heaviness.
_____________________________________
The room was dark, and I was sleepily disoriented as I woke up. But something didn't feel right. I lifted my head up to look around. That's when I saw a dark figure halfway through climbing in my window. I screamed and dove under the blanket out of pure fright.
"Jia, wait it's just me, shhhhh," I heard a familiar voice followed by the bedside light switch before the blanket was ripped off me. Jungkook stood over me, peering down at me with his brows furrowed.
"What the hell! Jungkook! What's with you and breaking and entering?! Did you actually just climb through my window? I thought I was about to die." I felt my labored breathing calm down a bit at the sight of him.
"The door was locked, I just wanted to check on you," Jungkook smacked a hand to his forehead and rubbed it.
"I.. I don't know what to say.," I sighed and fell back and lay down. "Thankyou for the diffusers. And for doing my laundry. And for coming to check on me even though you could have just called instead of climbing through my window like a robber."
"Okay, okay, I get your point. I'm sorry about the window thing. I'll use the front door from now on." Jungkook plopped down on to the edge of my bed.
"Move over," Jungkook nudged my leg.
"Make meee," I teased, not expecting him to spread into a cheeky smile as I did. Or maybe I should have expected it. This was Jungkook, after all.
"Ahhh. You're always making my life so challenging." He was quick to lift off his jacket, leaving him in a plain shirt as he cracked his neck.
I felt a bit worried about how serious for business Jungkook looked right now. But, in contrast, he was so gentle when he scooped me up in his arms and fell into the place I'd been lying just moments before.
"Am I really making your life hard?" I hesitantly questioned, shuffling a little to get cosy atop him, seeing as he hadn't let me go.
"Huh? No, I didn't mean it like that." Jungkook sighed, his hand moving to hold my side. He stayed silent for a while, as though contemplating what he meant by that.
"We've been through our difficult times, but that's what made our moments together so special." Jungkook said.
"I remembered our first kiss. Eating lots of ramen together.. The first time I heard your voice was at Karaoke, too." I reminisced.
"You do?" A light, fond smile broke across his lips, and his eyes sparkled. "Hmm, I remember writing songs together. Teaching you how to fight and you falling on top of me. Us getting caught in the rain."
"Did I really fall on you? That sounds like me…" I softly chuckled. He gently kissed my nose, held me tighter to his warmth, and let out a satisfied sigh.
"You're so clumsy, but you make it effortlessly graceful somehow," he snorted a laugh. "I really don't know how you do it."
"Shhh. It's endearing though, right? Does it turn you on?" I joked. Jungkook's gaze settled unexpectedly.
"Yeah. It does. Everything about you turns me on." I squirmed a little in his grip, feeling the assertiveness of his words hit me.
"Don't look away," He said, pulling my chin back up to meet his gaze. I lingered for a moment.
"I feel the same way. When you kissed me on that rooftop, my heart felt so full. And even though at the time I didn't know we'd been together.. I couldn't stop thinking about it.. About you," I confessed, and as soon as I put my vulnerabilities out there, I felt lightheaded.
"Then I wasn't the only one." Jungkook said, flashing a small smile before suddenly flipping us over. The shock of him now leaning over me caused me to gasp, but we both laughed afterwards. I gazed at the necklace that hung from his neck, barely an inch above my face. He was so close.
"What's the big idea? I swear you just enjoy scaring me." I hit his chest, but I just ended up hurting my hand because of how solid it was.
"And if I do? What're you going to do about it?" He raised a brow playfully, still leaning so close that his body had me pinned under him, those perfectly parted lips of his barely inches away.
"I'll sneak into your house and steal all your laundry detergent. Have fun trying to wash your clothes without any," I cackled, Hobi's statement from earlier coming back to me. He glared at me hard.
"Fine, then I'll take back all my diffusers," Jungkook quipped.
"Oh, no.. don't do that, I really like them," I pleaded. Actually feeling quite attached to them now that I'd gotten used to it. Jungkook broke into a smile, front teeth poking out a little as he did. I gently pushed on his chest and he fell back down on the pillow beside me with a sigh. I felt his hand reach up and slip into mine and for a moment, we stared at th ceiling side by side in comfortable silence.
A soft sound comes from Koo as he sings lightly, sweetly.
"Can you be my baby,"
"Can you be my friend,"
I carefully turn on my side. As he does too, our gazes connect.
"Will you be my lover until the very end,"
I watch as Koo slowly reaches for me, trailing circles over the curve of my hip, inducing delicate bumps of tingles across my skin. His touch trails down and over the curve of my ass. I bit my lip. Suddenly he lightly spanks my ass.
"Jungkook," I gasp. He bites at his lip questioningly. I bury my head into the pillow, out of shyness. But I shift on my stomach and stick my ass out a little, making it easier for him to touch me.
"Moreee" I whined into the pillow.
"More? Really? You sure baby?" Koo mutters, tracing my skin again, teasingly. I nod into the pillow.
Then I feel it. He spanks my ass again. This time giving it a prolonged grope afterwards, cupping the curve of the under-cheek perfectly in his palm and giving it a light, playful shake. I let out a moan into the pillow.
As the sting fades, it's replaced by his soothing caresses. I imagined him fondly taking in the view of my bare ass that had become exposed from my short that had ridden up. Even though I couldn't see him, the way he was touching me gave me the impression he was watching.
"Baby, you're so wet" his touch slowly slipped down between my thighs and over my barely covered underwear. The way my leg was bent while I lay on my stomach gave him easy access.
"No, I'm not," I mumbled, trying to deny it even though I knew he was right. I could feel it gathering there, the way he touched me, his voice, the way he called me 'baby'. It made me go completely weak.
"You're not? Ahh. You're such a terrible liar" He chuckled lowly, finger slipping past my underwear and dipping into my juices. His rubbing against my entrance was pushing me into an oblivion of want for him.
"What am I supposed to say? You already know what you do to me.. Don't you? Do you really need me to tell you?" I turned my neck to look at him, so he could hear me, see how much of a hold on me he had.
"I do. I want you to tell me how much you love me. How weak in the knees I make you feel. How bad you want my cock buried inside you." Koo's hefty dark-eyed gaze, the want dripping in his voice. It's picking me apart. I think he's broken me.
"Hold me, I want you to hold me and never let go," I shifted and tugged at the sleeve of his jumper needily. Still being left near speechless by his words.
"Come here, baby," he mumbled, opening up his arms. I crawled into the euphoria of his hold. My body pressed impossibly close to his, the soft breathing in my ear, that all too familiar scent that makes my heart tremble. There was nowhere else in the entire world I wanted to be more than right here. Home.