29th, Wednesday Morning. April. 2015
When I woke up again, it was in the comfort of my bed. I was in my pyjamas, too. I sat up and squinted, trying to collect myself. The boys are all in my apartment. Namjoon looked at me from where he lay beside me, book in hand, as though he was just reading. Jin, Jungkook, Jimin and Tae were eating ramen and talking at the table. Hoseok was passed out on the foldout couch and Yoongi was sitting beside him writing in a notebook. Without saying a word, and with no one except Namjoon noticing that I was awake, I laid back down, pulled the blanket up to my chin and closed my eyes.
A shiver ran through me as I recalled how fucked up I was last night. And at the peak, some creep had forced himself onto me. I'd become unconscious from there. And that's when all of those fucked up memories flooded back in. When that guy touched me, I was triggered. It was the same feeling I'd had when Namjoon had accidentally overstepped that one time. But back then, I hadn't understood. This time was different, though. This time, it'd hit me in full force. I was left shaken, overcome with nausea and tremors, even now. But knowing what was happening to me gave me a slither of relief.
Visions of me being pinned on a bed, raped. It was dissociated, though. The feelings were numb. I could see it happening, as though not in my body. As though I was watching it from across the room. Maybe that was the only way for me to recall it. It happened to me, but not while I was present. Not while I could feel it, because that was something I couldn't bear.
Dae-Sung. A thought rushed to me, and it left me dumbfounded. YG Entertainment. I'd bumped into him that day, unknowingly. How easy it would've been for him. That's why he'd looked so confused. The pieces fell into place. I took a deep breath, realizing how close I'd come to escaping danger in that moment. And perhaps Mr Kim was telling the truth about them starting the fire. Dae-Sung drove me home, right back to that apartment. That it burned down several days later was hardly a coincidence. That piece of shit had not an ounce of human in him. I'd learned that the hard way.
After the incident with Dae-Sung, I'd moved in with Bangtan, just as Jin had told me that faithful night in the car as we sat out the front of the charred building. That was their old club. The place that I used to call home.. It all seemed like a lifetime ago. And there was still a chunk that was a blank. But I'd lived there, worked at their bar. They always had shady characters coming in and out of that place.. Back then, the coke deals. I remember bricks of the stuff on the club tables as they cut it up.
Then there was nothing.
But, through it all, one name stuck out to me.
Reira.
The incident with Dae-Sung was the first, but it didn't end there. Reira had hurt me too, but who was he? I couldn't recall anything other than that. A name, and a feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I thought I was done with chasing memories, ready to focus on the here and now. But.. after what happened last night, I'm not so sure. Over the past month, so many moments from my past have returned to me. The emotions that accompany them have been overwhelming. But, why can't I shake the feeling that the worst is yet to come?
I'd been so absolved by my own thoughts that I hadn't even realised until now that I'd rolled over and buried my face into the warmth of Joon's lap. He was softly stroking my head.
"Are you feeling alright..?" He spoke barely above a whisper, so only I could hear him. I rolled onto my back and looked at him.
"Yeah.. I think so."
Namjoon's forehead was tense as he stared back at me for a moment. He looked worried, like he was thinking about complicated situations of some sort. Just like I had done. I didn't want him to.
"Please stop worrying," it slipped out, and he sighed.
"Alright, for you, I'll try."
My attention was drawn as I felt the bed dip on my other side. It was Jungkook. "Sit up for a second." He knelt on the bed and reached for me. I shifted forward as he slipped in to sit behind me. Once he was in, he slid me back with ease, right between his legs, where he held me in a hug. "So comfy," I mumbled, resting my head on the arm he had over my shoulder.
It didn't take long for Jimin and Tae to notice that I was awake, too. Both of them abandoned Jin at the table to come over. Jimin crawled over at the end of the bed and settled against the wall. Tae was quick to follow, pushing Jimin's thighs apart and laying down between them.
"You're awake," Tae said, his hands sliding under the blanket to find my feet. I jumped a little at the tickling, but relaxed again as he started massaging them.
"Mmm. That feels good." I gave him a faint smile. I barely had any energy right now. "How long was I out?"
Namjoon shifted a bit and pulled out his phone from the pocket of his sweats. Come to think of it, all of them were dressed down and in more comfortable clothing. It was such a contrast to how suited up they'd been earlier in the night.
"It's five in the morning, so, around five to six hours," He said. Jungkook's arms tightened around me a bit, and Jimin and Tae were looking at me with hints of worry.
"It is? Oh.. So you haven't slept yet?" I felt a bit guilty when I realised maybe I was the reason they were here and probably still awake.. But no one said anything.
That's when Yoongi plopped down beside Koo and got comfortable by huddling under the blanket with us. "We haven't slept. Well, beside Hobi," We all glanced over to where he was still sprawled out snoring on the couch. "But we'll be fine. It's not like it's the first time we've gone without it."
"Hyung is right. He stays up for days on end when he locks himself in his studio," Jimin mentioned, although not exactly looking pleased about it. Yoongi didn't comment on the way Jimin was looking at him. Instead, he just sighed and turned over on his side to face us all.
"What did I miss?" Jin asked as he finally joined us too, lifting Tae's legs into his lap and sitting in the last space at the end of the bed.
"Yoongi Hyung's unorthodox vampiristic lifestyle," Tae answered him. Jin snorted. "Then I didn't miss anything. That's nothing new."
Yoongi grumbled but didn't reply. The warmth from being in Jungkook's arms was making me sleepy. Tae was still gently rubbing one of my feet lazily, too. Being snuggled up with everyone like this, though, I didn't want to fall asleep. I wanted to savor the moment. How often did this happen? Hardly ever.
Suddenly, through the second of silence, we heard Hobi groan loudly, followed by him saying "Fuck pickles." Loud and clear in his sleep. Half of us failed miserably at holding in the urge to burst out in laughter, not to wake him, of course. And the other half didn't even bother to hold it back.
"Hobi, what the fuck," Yoongi wheezed laughing, tears prickling his eyes.
"Should we wake him up?" Namjoon glanced over at him.
"No.. Let's let him finish his fight with the pickle. Wouldn't want him to have any unfinished business with it." Tae said all too casually, which Jimin giggled at.
"But if he doesn't win, then maybe he'll hate pickles forever. Which means we won't be able to eat them anymore." Jungkook posed. It was so unserious, yet he'd said it as though it would be a genuine dilemma.
"Even if he loses and holds a lifelong grudge against pickles, why does that mean we won't be able to eat them? That's ridiculous," Jin quipped back.
"This is dumb, I'm waking him up," Yoongi finally regained himself and got up. I glanced over as Yoongi gave him a brief shake, which Hobi freaked out at as he woke up. It took him a second to realise it was just Yoongi and that he wasn't in any imminent danger.
"He probably thought Yoongi was a pickle," Tae commented.
"Yoongi looks more like a cat than a pickle," Joon replied.
Soon enough, Yoongi squeezed back into his spot but shared it with a half asleep Hobi that he'd dragged over with him. Despite Hobi squishing in and spooning Yoongi with a leg slung over him, Yoongi didn't complain. Then again, Yoongi looked just as tired as Hobi did right now.
There was a moment of silence and as I looked around, everyone looked tired, really. My mind wandered back to the flashbacks I'd had last night. I didn't know if now was the right time to bring it up, but I felt like it was something I needed to do.
"Can I tell you all something..?' As I spoke, the looks I received were as though they hadn't expected me to.
"Sure, what's up?" Namjoon said, gently encouraging me. I could feel the curiosity building in the air as a few of them exchanged glances.
"It's about last night. I just wanted to tell you what happened.." I explained. Jimin nodded as Tae leaned forward. Namjoon held his silence. Hoseok still looked like he had no idea what was going on.
"It's a little hard to explain, but um.. When I blacked out, a few visions came to me. I think they were memories." I told them.
"Hm.." Joon bit at his lip, but everyone remained silent, so I went on.
"Lately, a lot of memories have been coming back to me. They've mostly been happy ones, but the ones I had last night weren't.." I felt my body quiver, and as though out of reflex I wrapped my arms around myself to try to keep my composure.
"I remember. Dae Sung.. What happened that night. I remember it all." I squeezed and Jungkook's biceps, which had tightened around me as I spoke.
"Jia.." Jimin said under his breath. Tae and Jin looked worried, too.
"I'm alright. Really. I- I'm just so sorry, for everything," The emotions washed over before I could stop them, and Yoongi's hand flew up to my thigh.
"No, what are you saying sorry for-" Joon went to say, but I choked back a sob.
"For forgetting you," I responded. There was a moment's silence, as though no one knew what to say.
"Thats-" Jungkook's voice was soft in my ear. But Yoongi cut in. The conviction he held made me feel weak. "That's not your fault."
I took a deep breath as I tried to think clearly, tried to push forward. "What happened? How did I lose my memories?"
It was Joon that answered. "We- We don't exactly know." There was a thick silence in the room that followed.
"Does it have anything to do with Reira?" I questioned, and I received looks of shock or as though biting into a sour lemon.
"You remember him too?" Tae questioned.
"Not really. The only thing I remember is that he hurt me. I don't know how, or why, or anything else. It's so frustrating. "I'm stuck between wanting to know and being scared to." I confessed.
"Then can't we just leave it alone?" Hobi's voice came from behind Yoongi, and it became clear how uncomfortable this entire conversation was making him feel.
"I don't think we can. Look where 'leaving it alone' got us with Jia? We nearly lost her because of it." Yoongi posed. And there was a collective exchange of glances. Jin gave a defeated sigh. "Reira was initially a business partner of ours. He owned a hostess club, which you started working at."
"And then what happened?" I questioned, albeit hesitantly.
"And then.." He was struggling, as though internally fighting with himself as to go on.
"And then Koh found you near dead in his office and rushed you to the hospital." The words left Joon and hung heavy in the air. No one said a thing. My mind clouded over. I didn't know what to make of this at all.
"So no one knows what happened?" I stammered.
"Mm. Except for you, but you lost your memories. What happened there is still a mystery to us all." Tae said, and my mind ticked over. "Then.. Shouldn't I be trying to remember?"
"No. I don't think it's a good idea." Jin quickly shot the idea down without a second thought. But Jimin spoke up. "If it's what you really want to do... and if it's what you need to do, then.."
"Jimin has a point. How can she ever lay this all to rest and move on? How can any of us move on unless we quit running from it and face it head on?" Yoongi agreed.
"Right, this isn't just for my sake, it's for all of us.." I murmured.
"Even if we wanted Jia to remember what happened, how do we even do that?" Jungkook questioned.
"I have an idea." The idea hit me like a lightbulb, but one I'd have to endure the pain of shock of.
"What is it?" Joon glanced at me questioningly, so I took a deep breath and said the unthinkable. "One of you forces yourself onto me. That's how I was triggered last night."
"Absolutely not. Are you hearing yourself right now?" Jin shot back, almost falling off the edge of the bed at how angry he'd become hearing me say what I did.
"No way..." Hobi mumbled, as though dumbfounded by the idea entirely.
"I dunno. Maybe it's not as crazy an idea as it sounds." Jimin added, brow furrowed, but not dismissing it as quickly as the others.
"You can't be serious." Tae asked as he looked at Jimin incredulously, and Joon hung and shook his head in immediate disapproval. I bit back my confliction. If there was ever a time to speak up, it was now.
"I'm serious. I'm giving you permission to do it. I trust you all with my life." The tension between came to a standstill, confusion, and apprehension floated in the air.
"Jia.." Yoongi murmured my name, his gaze glassy as he looked up at me.
"Enough of this. I refuse to listen to anymore." Jin's voice cut in, shattering the momentary doubt into a million pieces.
"But-" I tried to argue, but when I saw the vein popping from the side of Jin's neck, I knew it was a moot point.
"No buts. You're exhausted and obviously not in your right mind. End of conversation." And with that, Jin stood up and stormed off. The bathroom door slammed shut behind him and the apartment fell silent.
"Do you mean what you just said..? Do you really trust one of us to do that to you..?" Jungkook was the one to break the silence.
"I do." I said without hesitation.
"Who would be the one to do it..?" Jimin asked, biting at his lip as he looked between us.
"I think that's enough for now. I'm all for Jia getting her memories back, but I don't think this is the way to go about it." Namjoon said, bringing the conversation to an end.
"It's nearly six. We need to get ready for our promotion schedule today." Yoongi sighed.
"Shit," Hobi groaned.
"I don't want to leave Jia alone right now." Jungkook mumbled.
"No, no. I'll be fine. You guys have an important day ahead of you."
"What're you going to do?" Tae questioned.
"Listen to your new album, of course." for the first time tonight, I felt my cheeks break into the tiniest of smiles.
"We'll be back as soon as we're finished," Joon said, rubbing my arm reassuringly.
"Okay. I'll be here waiting,"
_______________________________________
After they left and I was alone, it was a little uncomfortable. I wanted them to come back, but I knew that wouldn't happen until tonight. So, I snuggled into bed and closed my eyes to nap for a little more. I was already exhausted so sleep came easily.
Once I woke up again, I felt a bit disorientated, but I was quick to shake it off and went to take a shower. Earlier I hadn't questioned how I'd ended up in an oversized shirt, but the obvious answer would be that one of them, or maybe even two, had undressed me and changed me into something more comfortable before putting me in bed. As I peeled the shirt off me and stepped under the hot water running from the shower head it brought an instant relief.
My mind started waking up more and so did semi-realisations. It didn't really matter, seeing as it'd already happened, but I was curious about who had changed me.. Even imagining how it may have transpired was making me a little flustered. That I'd been unconscious throughout the entire ordeal also made me feel some type of way. Caught between being glad, I wasn't conscious, seeing as I'd have died from embarrassment. And being too curious about how they did it. Ugh. These thoughts were probably something I shouldn't be putting much weight on right now. There really were other things that were much more important for me to worry about.. Like these new disturbing memories.. And everything that we'd talked about together this morning.
I finished up in the shower, dried my hair, and got dressed. The conversation from this morning replayed in my head as I brooded over it. I still felt sluggish, so I walked across the street quickly to grab a coffee before settling down on my couch and snuggling up with a blanket.
Some of the boys seemed to contemplate my idea, and others flat out refused. It'd been such a divided response, and I just didn't see it happening unless they all were to agree. Unable to come to any kind of conclusion as to what to do about the situation, I gave a sigh and let it go for now. Instead, I grabbed my laptop and listened to the new album.
The most beautiful moments in life, part one. What a sentimental title. It was sweet, and when I imagined what that entailed, it was moments of happiness. Then again, knowing these boys, nothing was ever truly that clear cut, and I had a feeling there would be more to it. But there was only one way to find out, and that was to listen. So, that's what I did.
—--------------------
I realised I'd listened to the entire album, and I'd been zoned out and sitting in silence for a while now. My cheeks were damp and all the ice in my iced latte had melted. What was I doing? It's like my mind had just completely up and left for a time..