Wednesday, 25th. March. 2015
This morning on my way to class the skies were overcast with clouds and light showers. But, now and again, from out the window of the class I'd see the rain stop for a small while, the sun would shine through. Then it would begin to rain again. It continued all the way until my last class, which finished around 3pm.
The bell rang. I packed up, slung my bag over my shoulder and left. I pulled the sleeves of my azure blue jumper over my hands and balled it into small fists to keep my fingers warm as I walked home. Luckily, I'd caught a break from the rain and didn't need to take out my umbrella.
The miniature bells on my key chain jingled lightly as I grabbed them out of my bag and put them in the door. As I twisted and opened, a white envelope fell on the floor inside my apartment. Someone must have tried to tuck it in the door's crack. I picked it up curiously, shutting the door before walking over to the couch and sitting down.
What was this? As I turned it over in my hand, I saw my name neatly, cursively written on the front of it. So, I flipped it back over and carefully opened it. There was a folded note and a thicker, laminated rectangle inside... It was a bookmark.
Underneath the plastic of the laminate were three delicate, beautifully pressed flowers. One is an azure blue. Just like my jumper. The second, a lilac purple. The last, a gorgeous shade of cherry blossom pink.
It left me in a daze. Who would give me such a beautiful bookmark? I remembered that there was a note inside, so I pulled it out and unfolded it.
Jia,
It's Joonie. I know it's not much, but I thought you can never have too many bookmarks.
I hope it'll find a happy cosy home somewhere snuggled between the pages of one of your books. I want to apologise for what I did to you on the weekend.. I never meant to make you uncomfortable or hurt you. I'm so sorry if that's what I did…
I know you're going through a lot right now and I shouldn't have pushed you like that… if I'm honest, sometimes it is so hard when I'm around you. My heart is drawn to you, like an invisible force. But that is no excuse for what I did. I know that.
I just hope you find it in your heart to forgive me. We can take it as slow as you need. Whatever it is you need, tell me. And I'll do everything in my power to bring it to fruition.
I hope my forwardness doesn't have the opposite effect and push you away. But I want to be open and honest with you. I have so much respect for you, so I'm laying it all out for you.
I hope this letter finds you well, and I'll be waiting for if, and/or when you're comfortable to answer.
Yours sincerely,
Joonie
I let out a raspy breath that I'd held somewhere along the way. The strength of his sincerity wavered in my chest.
How had I ever kept my distance? How could I do that to him? It was so clear how much this had affected him, not just me. It was so cruel of me… How had I not considered his feelings like this?!
I scrunched my eyes closed and hung my head low. His letter was still loose in my hand. What am I supposed to do?
I'm caught in the crossfire of my own thoughts. The panic and nausea I'd felt in the moment contrasted with the ache and swell of my feelings for Joon…
I took a few deep breaths before standing up. For now, I was still too overwhelmed and I wouldn't be able to organise my emotions. So, instead, I packed them away.
Compartmentalised them.
I'd just slipped the bookmark and note back into the envelope and placed it on the island counter when I heard a knock at my door. That's strange. I wasn't expecting anyone.
As I cracked it open, Jin was standing there, smiling, happy to see me.
"Hey, hope I'm not interrupting anything" he tilted his head, as though it was more of a question.
"Jin, oh no, not really," I said, opening the door wider, "I just got home from class."
"Good, I was hoping you weren't busy." It wasn't often that Jin spoke softly, or cutely, but right now, he seemed as soft and innocent as ever. It was confusing to me.
"Oh? And why's that? You're acting too cute.. is everything okay?" I couldn't stop the small smile from spreading across my face as I questioned him. He truly is always full of surprises, and I never knew what to expect from him.
"Well, the thing is, I kinda have this bottle of wine which, unfortunately, will not drink itself," he revealed a bag that he'd be holding behind his back and I burst into laughter.
"Seriously? You're really something else." I sighed in amusement. Jin's smile was cheeky. I stepped aside, and he took that as an invitation to come inside.
I took a seat on the stool across the counter as Jin headed straight for the wine glasses.
"I knew I could count on you," he grinned, placing two glasses down on the counter and cracking open the bottle cap.
"Hm? I mean, it's not like you gave me a choice. I can't just let you drink it alone. That'd be in poor taste," I teased, leaning my head in my hands as I watched him pour both full.
"And this is exactly why I like you, Jia. You really get me" he playfully raised a brow as he slid the glass across the counter to me. I clinked our glasses and took a long sip before replying.
"Ahh, don't get all sentimental on me yet. We only just started on the bottle." Jin scoffed, coming around the counter, bringing the bottle with him and dragging me over to the couch.
"Hm? What was that? Don't forget I'm older than you, naughty girl," he tutted. A gentle push caused me to fall down on the softness of the cushions. I giggled, being careful, so that nothing spilt from my glass. Jin slid over and sat across from me, just like the last time we'd had a drink together.
As we settled in, so did the sunset, painting an orange and blue across the sky. The two of us were quick to finish and pour another glass, leaving barely anything left in the bottle. Then, a thought suddenly came to mind.
"Jin.. should you really be drinking this close to a performance?" He pouted, but it was only momentary. I could tell he was getting tipsy by the playful way he exaggerated his expressions.
"Probably not." He took another sip before leaning on his side in a more relaxed position. "I'll let you in on a small secret, as long as you promise not to tell anyone else. Deal?"
"Deal" I gave a small nod and lay down on my stomach to listen. Jin waited until I was comfortable before speaking.
"I'm stressed out. Everyone is. We try to hide it, especially in front of Army. We don't want to worry them. Also in front of you. We don't want to worry you either." There was a small silence that followed his confession. It wasn't what I expected to hear, but it made sense. Of course, they would be stressed out. The amount of pressure that was on them was enormous, yet, as Jin had pointed out, they were so adept at hiding it, it hadn't crossed my mind.
"I.. is there anything I can do.." I hesitated, knowing that it must have sounded silly. What could I possibly do to ease any of that.. but.. part of me wished that maybe there was..
"Just be yourself. Be with us. Have a drink with me on a Wednesday night, no questions asked. That's more than I could ever ask for." A faint smile lingered, and as his gaze fixed on me, I felt my heart dip.
"You make it sound like that alone will solve all your problems" I bit my lower lip, the tension between us building. My cheeks felt hot from the wine. He gave a small sigh.
"I don't know about solving them but, it makes all the struggles worth it. You're a breath of fresh air, not just for me, but for all of us." As his words washed over, I felt the sincerity of them. He really meant what he was saying.
"Okay. If that's all it takes, I'll be here. Bangtan's ventilator?" I don't know why I said the last part, but it just slipped out. Drinking never helped in maintaining a social filter.
"Ventilator?! That's a good one" Jin burst into laughter, tears welling up in his eyes. The pure sound of his contagious laughter makes me smile and giggle too.
By now, the alcohol had me warm and in a happy daze. As the two of us calmed, settling into smiles, Jin lay down, cheeks flushed a light pink.
"Jia, come here," he beckoned, laying out his arm. I gently rested my head down on his arm. There was still a small, comfortable distance between us as we lay there together.
"Jin.. can I tell you something?"
"What is it?"
"This might sound weird.. but.." I gave a small sigh, pushed aside my hesitation and spoke my truth, "You say I'm your ventilator but.. sometimes I feel you guys are my lifeline."
"How so?" He asked softly. Curious brown pools swirled.
"I mean.. there's times I feel like there's a string directly tied to my heart, and it's connected to you all.. Ah, this probably sounds so weird, never mind," I shook my head and gave a sigh.
"No, no, it doesn't sound weird at all"
"Please, just say nothing to the others. Keep it a secret. I, if I wasn't drunk, I wouldn't have even told you." I gave a small laugh at my inability to be up front about my feelings. Was I really that pathetic?
"Alright. I promise. I won't tell them. Yet" I looked back over to see a faint cheeky smile on Jins' plump lips. I decided not to let his teasing get to me and closed my eyes and buried my face in the comfort of his arm that he'd lent me.
Jin shifted over on his side. It was slow, gentle, natural. I felt him get closer, tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and carefully stroke my head. I lay there, indulgent in his affection. His soft breaths smelt like wine as I felt them on my face.
Notes: Thankyou for always being so supportive and voting and leaving comments, I love you guys a lot!!! <3 <3 <3