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Martial Geek (Satire)

Sir_Sloth
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Synopsis
Alan wants to live a normal peaceful life in a martial world of tigers and dragons fighting on mountains.
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Chapter 1 - Chapter One - Meeting the Chunibyo System

"*Ding* Requirements for martial system activated - User has swung a blade one thousand times. Awarding user a peerless sword."

A sword dropped into Alan's hands from nowhere.

"This looks valuable," Alan spoke while staring at the gleaming blade slightly protruding from the scabbard.

"A priceless treasure that generations will tremble when hearing the name of--"

"Thank you for your patronage," the shop keeper waved to Alan as he walked away.

"Why would you sell a sacred blade of the gods!"

"My ax has been getting dull, and I needed money to pay for a sharpening," Alan responded to the system.

"Clearly any user granted a martial system must've slain countless enemies at the edge of his ax," the system gloated with his nose held high.

"This is my wood cutting ax," Alan said while holding up the pitifully small ax.

"A real ax stands ten feet tall on top of the heads of slain enemies. That is a child's toy."

"The world doesn't need more fighters, little frog," Alan responded to the boy only he could see.

"I have a name, I am System. Your personal assistant granted to access the full benefits of your martial system."

"What kind of system are you, Little Frog?"

"Completing quests, and major achievements will give you access to special-- Hey! I am not little, and I am not a Frog!"

"The world looks much different up here to a pacifist like me," Alan responded.

"You are barely a hand taller, and I am still in my growth period, old man."

The wind whistled the scream of a dying banshee as Alan's hand chopped down on System's head.

"How can a pacifist use violence," System asked with tears in his eyes while rubbing a large lump on his head, "You are challenging a entity beyond your understanding."

"Little Frog is a little boy," Alan responded while checking the sharpness of his ax blade by rubbing his thumb against it softly.

"I can experience a million life times in the blink of your eye, and a million lives pass while I blink mine," System gloated.

"When are you going to blink away, Little Frog?" Alan asked.

"Humph," System puffed his cheeks.

"Are you hungry? I can share my food."

"I am beyond mortal needs," System scoffed.

Alan popped a piece of food in his mouth and spoke while chewing, "Suit yourself."

"*sniff* *sniff* That smells like three-hundred year old ginseng."

"I found it while collecting firewood to sell, and made it into ginseng candy to snack on," Alan responded.

"All treasures turn to trash in your hands," System cried, "You could of made a medicinal tea to clear your meridians, and raise to new martial levels."

"I am not a martial artist," Alan responded, "and I don't want to be one."

System smirked, "I know what you are. The reluctant hero. Forced by fate into action. You'll say no a hundred times before saying yes."

"No means no. Don't be creepy," Alan responded.

"Ninety-eight," System started counting.

"Just give me a mission so you can disappear, and I can ignore you."

"Claiming your destiny starts with a first step. Your choices will determine your path in life," System yelled out with his chest puffed high.

"Skip," Alan groaned.

"I am not a cut-scene!"

"Skip."

"This is important dialog!"

"Skip."

"I will not be--"

"Skip."

"Listen here!"

"Skip."

"There are three options:

Mission one - Kill ten mist tigers to be rewarded aromatic tiger blood refining tea and one thousand system points.

Mission two - Gain 2 disciples with a refinement technique from the martial system in 1 week to earn ten thousand system points.

Mission three - Obtain a priceless treasure from the treasure pavilion auction house for at least 1 million gold, and earn one hundred thousand systems points to use in the martial system store."

"Open your shop," Alan spoke while pointing at System.

"I'm breaking up with you," a woman said to her boyfriend, "Thank you. I wasn't confident about my business skills, because no one else believed in my ideas," She told Alan who was still pointing at her.

"No one else can see you," Alan sighed.

System burst out laughing, and spoke, "Everyone on the street has seen you talking to yourself, pointing at random people, and waving your arms."

"Find me when I open my shop. I will give you good deals," the woman thanked Alan while shaking his hand, then ran off.

"Hey, asshole. You're a dog challenging a dragon. Do you know who I am? The fifth son of the fifteenth family of the fiftieth district of the Fifty Five Thousand Five Hundred Fifty Five Fists Clan," the ex-boyfriend yelled at Alan.

"Someone is challenging the Five Fives Clan," A bystander yelled while pointing at them as a crowd gathered.

"Show this insect who the real dragon is," System snorted, "Crush his bones into dust. Destroy his cultivation path. Annihilate the Fifty Five Thousand Five Hundred Fifty Five--"

"We can solve this with peaceful words," Alan responded.

Systems face turned black with disappointment.

"Pay with your life!" The ex-boyfriend yelled while punching his fist towards Alan's face.

Red flames exploded around his fist as lightning crackled in the air. Everyone standing swallowed a bucket of saliva as they watched. A shock wave cone of vapor from the super-sonic fist speed reached the tip of Alan's nose. The street vendor selling buckets of saliva put a 'sold out' sign on his cart. System closed his eyes, and turned away.

"Confirm system purchase," Alan spoke with an emotionless face.

"*Ding* Congratulations on your first martial system purchase. You have spent ten thousand martial system points to purchase force displacement novice skill level," System cheered while holding a glowing green jade orb in the air. System smashed the glowing green jade orb on top of Alan's head like an egg at the same time the ex-boyfriend's flaming lightning fist began to impact Alan's face.

Alan glowed green, and then exploded out of existence.