Chapter two.
My car parked at the edge of the hospital visitors parking lot right next to my mothers silver van. My sister Veronica stood by the car there were tears in her eyes. In all my years that i've known my older sister she never cried. The car that my mom took wasn't the one she normally used the one my family normally used wasn't there we hadn't even used this in awhile years in fact. I couldn't think of the last time we used that car it was rusted along the edges the tires squeaking every time you used them that's exactly why we didn't use it.
"Roni what's going on".
"Niko hurry what took you so long". She gave me that answer instead of what I actually needed.
"what took me so long, what's going on".
"don't give me that Niko". She grabbed onto my hand pulling me towards the entrance of the hospital. I had only been to this hospital two times once when I was seven Veronica threw a basketball at my forehead. How she was able to ai acritley I didn't know. Knowone in our family were sports people except fo Roni. The first of course was when I was born.
She led me around the counter nodding quickly to a nurse and to a closed off door there were crying sounds, ones that sounded strangled and twisted. I didn't want to go IN there but I recognized the twisted voice. One I hadn't heard in a long time. There was a scream and then a.
"ma 'me came down".
"don't you". There was a launch of words despite me being able to speak spanish I couldn't understand it. And I knew only one person who spoke in such tirade.
"whos behind that door Roni?" she didn't answer, she was ignoring me and I wasn't going to have it she shifted her feet, her oots smacking onto the floor in a rigid motion. She always did that when she was trying to ignore what I was saying.
"roni answered me!". I was beyond the point of annoyed if on;y I had intent to the meeting. I could have been with Roni and seth. Where was Seth anyways?
"just go in". I didn't want to go in I was afraid of what I might find behind the door. She gave me a nod. Open it Open it. I didn't want to but I did and what I saw made me want to bawl my eyes out. I didn't want to cry I wanted to be strong Roni was strong right no she must of stepped out to cry. Maybe that's what I would have to do My mother leaned over an empty bed in the ICU they said family couldn't come in but this was an exception it tuned out. She was grappling at the blue sheets that smelt of sanitizer. It must of just been sanitized. The room was dark now there were no patients except for heart monitor that beeped. I knew what Happened I didn't want to I didn't want to even be here. In the room. I could feel Ronis hands on my shoulders what did she care.
The days after my dad died moved slowly like a time warped into the clock. I hadn't picked up my notebook hours. I stared at t now my face a mask of pain. I didn't want to see it there I didn't want to even look at it. It was like it was gone now. I hadn't left my house in a week I haven't done my homework. The world moved slowly on and I was just someone who was there but I didn't seem like I was there it seemed like I was in another world moving threw water murky mud. Dinners weren't the same Seth tried to smile at us Hoiting my nephew on the table sticking his tongue out but he didn't change what was going on with s if only he knew what we were feeling but he didn't know. I stared at my notebook wish was closed there was a ark on it the most recent mark I threw it against the door. They couldn't do anything about it the notebook couldn't wine.
"stop it"> Roni had heard me say I should 've closed my door. I was getting ready to throw my notebook against the pale blue walls of my room. They should have been black. I wanted them to be black but they weren't. I felt black now, my soul all black and no blue.
"don't tell me what to do". I sounded like Sami now but I didn't care. But im sure if I look at myself now I don't know. My mom had left for the grocery store which was fine she was always leaving the only thing shes said to me all week was have you been to your writing classes the answer was no I couldn't bear going. I couldn't even put a thought on paper not that I could even in the first place. I had abandoned my notebook but yet it was still there abandoned on the floor the pencil marking still on it . she picked up the notebook balancing my nephew on her hip. He laughed I'm glad someone was happy. He was the only one.
"common your notebook". She placed it onto the bed sitting down across from me I didn't give her permission to do that but she didn't care she never cared she got to still go on. my hands were shaking as I took my notebook into my hands it felt so foregn the only time I got to see my book was when it was in my hand.
"don't lecture me!". My voice wverd off the side of the walls. I sounded like a thunderstorm which wasn't what I wanted to sound like I wanted to sound like a tsunami.
"I can lecture you I want Niko you can't". She waved her hands everywhere putting my nephew beside me I didn't want to sit next to him I was afraid I was going to blow a gasket. I didn't want to hurt him she had no right to tell me to stop acting sad. She hasn't cried since the hospital is she trying to be strong.
"you need to get your ass out of your bed right now".
"you not mom".
"excuse me". Leave me alone I threw the notebook against the wall I wanted her to leave me alone but she was still staring at me how to tell you sister to leave you the fuck alone throw a book at her face. I picked up a pillow instead. And threw it at her . if she so much as sighed I didn't see it.
"can you leave me alone". My voice sounded so pitiful so sad so broken I wondered If she could see how miserable I was. I looked at a book on my counter my dad had been the one to inspire me to write he had written a novel five years ago. It was a children's novel but I love it I drank in every word that was on the page.
"Can you tell me what you're feeling? I can help".
"no you can't Roni ''. I'm not sure why I'm still calling her Roni when she just pissed me off but I couldn't stop. I needed someone to reach out to and she was there. Dad would always be there when I would be crying. When I would be on the floor but where was he when I needed him. Moms gone Roni and Seth are trying to stay positive for who. Why are they trying to be positive?
"you can't possibly know what i'm feeling".
My fingers shook, placing the pen to the paper they trembled. They didn't want me to write. I wanted to scream in outrage but what would that do that would be giving the enemy a number. I didn't want that to happen. I couldn't write at all. My characters were stuck where they were in the dark recess of the volcano that was about to erupt any day now.
It was going to happen any day now. It was my fault I couldn't write at all. Who I was without my writing at school I was nothing without my writing. Everyone in school knew me because we wrote a story in the newspaper. If they didn't know me I was nobody. I was already nobody.