Mom she was asking me what I was dong in my room. I was reading on my bed flipping att the pages ooe by one. I didn't want to do this now I didn't was to read what stupid stuff I had written. It was stupid though stupid for me to even consider it. That was it I trashed t into the garbage can. I didn't know what was happening to me. what was wrong with me was I still sad. I was still crying everyday everynight. Knobody did that when they when they were writing. Damnitt damnitt damnitt. I sounded stupid but I couldint help it.
My penciel shook in my hands my dad had said to me once don't be afraid do it do it do it do it. But I couldint do It I knew it. My mothers face with tears in her eyes flashed across my face I slamed my pencie down so it bounced across the bed a miky galazy of stars. As a kid I used to be obssedsed with stars and the galalxy I used to love and imagine me floatig forever in thoses stars but it wasint enough it wasint enough that I was here. I stood up walking over to my desk moving aside pages and homework until I found a yellow picket knife I had stuck inside my drawr I picked it up holding it in my hands before swiping it once across my arm. It stung red globs of blood feel from my wrists I was helpless hopeless. Forgotten. I took in a deep breath I wanted to do it one more time but my hands shook therevibrations moving back and force. I sigh cradling my bloodied arm in my hand if I was lucky the next morinin knowoene would see. I sat down at the sink washing the blood with a tan towlel that was slung over the bath tub wiping it. I would hide the blood. Dosent that sound messed up. Maybe I was messed up. Why coldit I keep y shit together like everyone else did. Gutter seemed to have his lilfe put together perfectly my wrist throbbed great Id have to get Ice.
I walked into the hallway carfuully avoiding the spots thaht were ccreaky. I iptoed around the kitchen until I opend the freezer ice ice iice. My hands flew around. Suddenly the lights turned back on. was afraid to turn. My mother her hands on her hips stood at the dor her eyes zeroing in on my wrist .
"what are you doing at". She looked down at her watch the watch dad had given her im not sure shes worn it all week. I shrug my sholders great I was being dumb I was trying to leave what didi I think she wouldint otice me? of course she did she saw through my every move. I quickly tucked my arm behind my back if she saw this shed freak out I didn't need that her telling me that something was wrong with me. how could I assume something was oay with me. how could I know.
"whats wrong with your arm".
"nothing". I try to say it so she dosent worry but she looked at me as if she knew something was wrong it me. something was wromg with me that same phrase over and ver nad over again.
"show me you arm". I took a step back She took a step forward you know those times when you cant get out of a place fast enough so you just run not knowing where to go I ran.
I ran to my car but I left my keys I mentally scoldied myself I shouldove been prepared. To leave here at anymoment
After an hour of solid running I found a spot near a dumpster. This dumpster has been here for ages untouched un used. I knew how it felt. In my head I was already running through the list of similarities in my head.
Trash can: one prupose filled with garbage Me: me one purpose. Filled with garbage
My head hurt.
My arm felt like it was going to fall off.. another thing I wasint proud of. Myphone was blinking with messages but I diidnt want to see them I didn't want to see anything I had left y notebook so no torcher for now no torcher could hurt me I didn't know how true that was until I felt myself drift into sleep.
Around twelve oclock I felt myself awakening but I wasint in a street anymore I was laying on a couch and I didn't remember sleeping on a couch. There was voices speaking infrount of me I tried to crain my neck for my to hear but the voices were drowned out. I didn't know How I had got here. I wanted to go back to the garabage can and sleep.
"good your up". I reconized that voice and I new with a sigh who it was if anyone coud find me it would be him.
"where am I". he laughed sitting down on the couch next to me handing me a cup of coffee. Jeez if you knew a way to a persons heart it would be that unfortunantly. He took a sipp of his coffee licking his lips.
"my house". His face normally smileing creased down into a frown like I had done something which maybe haad. He had been told to help me out. And I was making it worse. You know those stories hweere you know somethings going to happen and you cant figure out if its good or bad. That's what I was feeling now.
"oh". He nodded for a second contemplating. Im dure he wanted me to explain myself when he held up his hand to stop me from speaking.
"something happened I know". He glanced torawds the kitchen trying to straighten his hair.
"you don't have to talk about it". I had this strange feeling I wanted to say to him wwhat was going on but I didn't want to. He would look at me weirdly he said it himself everyone can write who am I stop him from saying this he was right though nad I was wrong. I ran a hand through my hair this time. It felt stiff and fragil in my figers. Caked with mud I hadint showed.
"I know". He gestured to y ar which I hadint noticed it was neatly bandaged into a cloth he had seen it he was going to ask me questions about it. I almost wanted to run off was that like I was bebg wimpy I was being wimpy but at thispoint I didn't care is sunk down onto the couch my body giving way to the funrniture. Pink.
"but Im here you know". He said I know a lot it was one of his favorite worss I guesed like me I don't care was one of mine. He picked up my the coffee mmug from the table and handed it to me. almost emideatly the warmth held hope. I didn't think I could keep this in.
"Gutter hmm remember when I said I couldint write anymore and then you said everyone could". He nodded gid he understood so far.
"everytime I wwrite I see my dad". It was hard to get the words out.
"oh"> he looks down at the carpet all happiness gone. "I couldint imagine losing my dads"> he gestured to the kitchen sadley where a pair of ehads ooked around the corner. They were tall while Gutter was small I wonder if he. I dicieded to ask.
"are you adopted?" he sighed looking downa t the ocean blue carpet the only part of the hoise that wasint blue.
"yep!". He grinned now "when I was a baby I guess".
"have you met your mom". He nodded again jeez this guy nods a lot I didn't mind though.
"yeah It was once shes in like her 30s twentys I don't know I met her when I was seven". 30s and twentys my mom was in her fiftys I tried to do the mental math inside my head. I wasint good at math so he just stared at me for five minutes.
"your mom was young when she had you?"\
"yeah It wasint that she didn't want me it was thtat she was in highschool probably in sophomore year".
"GUtt". I jumped as the loud booming voice of a tall blonde headed man rounded the kitchen he shot gutter a small smile before turning his hazel eyes on me.
"hello Kidd". He smiled he said kid so quietly you could here a pind drop.
"hello?" I resoinded I really didn't know what to say. When a 6foot tall man was huvering over you like a shark like he was going to eat you alive.
"IM Charlie and this is". He gestured to a man behind the counter his blue hair matching the carpet. They were weird but I guessed if I had to have my hair dyed a certain color it would be that.
"and that is jepp". Jepp that was a weird name to the only normal guy in the family was Charlie but im not sure you would cal him that. Jepp looked over at where gutter was sitting sipping ccoffee.
"is this the boy you were talking about?"
"yup". He had been talking to me.
"yeah the none Shakespeare kid". That was when I was toast I was pretty sure. This family seemed werid lie they expected me to do this to like Shakespeare when he was ooverly annoying. Art thou and all that Shit. I didn't understand how people could like him so much.
"yp that's him". Gutter grinned his sile nearly identicle to Charlies maybe since they were hanging out all the time together they were hanging out and have been in the same house for ages. I think gutter was a senior I wasint sure. Hhe looked younger then me though but his voice was old an thoughtful.. even my voice wasint that old. Charlie grinned sitting down on the floor. I treid to get up I mean a man in his own house sitting on the floor. I wasint going to have that happen at all.
"no no please". He waved his hand infrount of his face like he was bating away a fly. From his face but now he was just ettin at me.
"your our guest we treat our guests like family right Jepp?" Jepp nodded coming inside to pearch on the end of the couch. I felt surrounded by adults which wasn't one of my favorite past times. Jepp ruffled Gutters Hair so that a lock of pink fell ino his eyes.
"yup". Gutter nodded next he opend his notebook to a page showing me it said in curly cursive.
"what does it say". I ask I didn't read cursive. He laughed turning the notebook to read it better,
"it says Shakepeare". He grinned looking down at Charlie. "right dad?"
"yeah shakepeare is life son". I didn't know he was calling son I wonderd if it was me.
"anyways". Jepp lent down to tostle my hair gently inbeetween his fingers.
"we bandaged you up so youll be okay".
"one nasty scratch". He crossed his arms over his chest. He could see right through me I could tell. It was only a matter of time He turned to charlia and then Gutter who was grinning at me. this kid never stops grinning I wonder if hes ever sad.
"can I talk to this boy alone?" CHairlie looked at him skeptically. But nodded gesturing for gutter who sighed gave me a grin then shouted Shakespeare in a higher pitch thenbhe normally did befor grinnig and winking. For some reason my face flushed red.
"so whats that scratch from". Jepp moved to sit down onto the couch with a loud thump and a huff. Then he laughed momentarily forgetting what he asked which was fine to me.
"Im getting to old for this". He straightend up his yellow tie falling over his purple jackey.
"anyways ". He ran a hand through his blue hair."back on topic mister". He smiled sadley looking downat the bandag earound my arm no doubt he had put it there. I tried not to let anyone see my arm that was around my arm I felt so ashamed for some reason when I shouldint. Gutter here was perfect the perfect son the perfect example of what anyone should be and here I was messed up about a persons death.
"you cut yourself don't you". I exhale a breath this wasint something that I wanted to tlk about especially not with Gutters dad. I didn't even wasn't to tell. Gutter I felt pitiful. I think he saw.
He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and tisked sadley. Like the things old people do.
"Gutter used to do that you know". Jeez him and Gutter are like you know kings. Wait did he say utter used to do that mr king of happiness. Hhe never ever showed his true self around me was this he reason. I couldint imagine gutter cutting himself he just seemed so happy so prideful all the time, Jepp played with the pride pin pined to his shirt. Is that the pride pin gutter was looking for.
"he cut himself when he was 15. After his biological mother died in a car acciedent". He tok in an intake of breath like it was so truly painful for him to talk about it. Which maybe it was.
"we haad to drive him to the hospital he wouldint of survived if it wasint for shakepeare". He took a deep breth like this story was to painful. I coukdint imagine being a parent who watches tere child suffer is that what my mom is watching happen I shake my head listeeing on.
"we thought we lost our son that day". He sighed glancing up at the lamp which was pink nad blue the colors mixed into eachother like swirls of liquid coming together. That was kind of like there family mixed and togther. I was strange to see someone so boken over this one topic at least I ddint die that would make it better but he showed no hint of a smile in his features.
"what would your mmom say hmm?". I kne w what my mom would say she wouldint care neither would I to me I think Id be more usefull if I was dead.
"she wouldint care".
"don't sya that". I was at y breaking part I stood up my eyes flaring the pink was enough to make any one crazy. He couldint tell me what would or what wouldint happen. He didn't know me. Gutter didn't even know me.
"she wouldint care shes still giving for my dad". I said it all quickly rushing out of myself like a fountain.
"she just wants me to be okay".
"dosent every parent." I didit think my pmom would care either way. Jepp sighed pushing his blue hair out of his eyes again. He looked like the ind of persosn who stared at a computer screen all day while Gutter and Charlie had the carefree sort of eyes.
"not like you think". I held in a shakey breath like if I let it go id fall again. "can I go now". He laughed the same gentel laugh that gutter had I guess living ith eachotehr for so long affected there laughing to.
"hold on a second why don't you stay for breakfast I happen to know GUtt makes a very mean Mc N cheese. I wanted to laugh at that but something held me back I dnodded pushing my legs up onto the table with a sigh. The table felt warm beneth my ankles before I thought of something.
"mr James?".
"Jepp">
"Er Jepp can I ask you a question". He smiled and nodded his head focusing on me in my eyes. My mother hasint don't that in week no ages I sort of missed it.
" why does shakespeare matter to you guys?" He smiled "not to be intrusive or anything?" he waved his hand infrount of his face and smiled. He had this sort of smile that when you smiled you felt calmer.
"as a young kid Gutter was obssesd with musiclas and Plays he would beg Charlie and I to take him to one nearly after ever school week but we didn't have that sort of money after a while utter started to lose intrese nad when he turned 3 he got intresteed in being a reble every kid goes through it so when Charlie nad I relized that this was it we were prepared until gutters grade started sliping and he started to have foucus issues one night after Gutter and I got into a fight he went to his room and when Charlie called him fror dinner we found him not moving In his room. I started to freak out nad Charlie called the ambulance it turned out he had tried to commit suicide. After a few weeks of being in there I brought him a book I ahd taken away his phone and evry other lectronic he had but I brought him a bok Midsummers nights dreams so". He finished t with a small peacefull smile.
"that's how he loved Shakespeare and quite honesly he glanced at the kitchcen it kind of made him better".