"So Lily, did you fuck him?" She was floored. She knew Sam wasn't happy about her running into him, but she didn't think he would ask her that. And why was he calling her that. She sighed, "Who exactly, the mail man, the waiter, be more specific... " "You did, didn't you? So you were widowed and he just conveniently shows back up… in your bed."
Mara turned around. "You're an asshole, you know that!" she yelled. "I'm the asshole," he said. "Yes you are." "No Mar, you don't get to call me that! I'm not stupid! He called you his Lily, why? Why Mara!!" He screamed so loud it shook her. "It was him wasn't it, you got the tattoo for him! What exactly do you two mean to each other?" He yelled again.
"What do you know about anything huh Sam? About waiting for someone. What's the longest relationship you ever had, some 20 something who gave you hand jobs in the back of your police car. She was just ranting "I loved my husband Sam and he died. And I was lonely and distraught. I spent a year mourning him, not leaving the house. I practically ruined Jillian's senior year. Jason was my friend. He would check on me from time to time..and a couple of weak moments…no, no. You know what Sam, it's none of your business."
She got up and started grabbing her things in the room. He walked over to her, staring her down, "Mara you got that tattoo in college and he called you Lily. You're trying to tell me the only time you were with Jason is after Kieth died?"
Mara stopped what she was doing and just looked like she'd seen a ghost. She turned around and sat on the bed, trying to not to cry. She did owe him an explanation. It's just something she never wanted to talk about. Something no one knew except Keith and Jason. She paced back and forth and threw her hands over her hair smoothing it back. She sat on the bed, facing away from Sam.
"When I was in college, Keith was in residency. He was 6 years older than me. I was only 18 when we met. I really didn't have that college experience that most girls do, because I was always waiting for him. Jason was a couple years older than me, but we were in the same dorm. We had some classes together too, we were both minoring in Psych. We spent a lot of time together. He helped me through some tough times."
Mara was staring at her hands. "By my sophomore year Keith was supposed to finally be done. But he took a cardiac fellowship in another state. During that time, Jason and I became really close. I was so young Sam, you know. I had no business having a boyfriend in a long distance relationship." She took a deep breath. "I'm not proud of it, but Jason and I, we had an affair. The tattoo wasn't because of him, but I got it with him. So he would call me that. He thought it was funny."
She stood up from the bed, you could see the pain and guilt in her eyes. "I told Keith about it. Actually I left him. He completely ignored me the whole time he was in North Carolina. We took a break. I was still in school and Jason was trying to get me to stay with him. But after my second year ended I just wanted to be alone." She was staring at the bed.
"But Keith was distraught. After he came home he did everything he could to prove to me that he wanted us to work. He knew he had neglected me. But I needed time apart to be on my own. Eventually we decided to forgive each other. It took a while, but eventually he forgave Jason. He was still my friend and I wasn't going to just throw him away. Through the years we were fine. We both got married and made our choices and left it at that."
Sam was quiet the whole time Mara spoke, but his anger was rising. "No, if Jason could have made his choice, it would have been you." Sam said angrily. "Let me get this straight, you two have all this history and you're just gonna go have dinner with him like nothing happened! I'm not Keith. Maybe you were immature then, but we're not in college, this isn't some game to me! You fuck him Mara and I swear to god, I'll never look at you again."
"Wow I see what you really think of me. I'm sorry I didn't realize if you slept with someone that automatically meant you had to fuck them again the next time you saw them! I guess then you should have gone back with that redhead that night." She started throwing some more things in a bag. "I just spilled my guts out to you and this is what you have to say to me. Like I can't be trusted. That's not love Sam. You know what, you're just a jealous, insecure little boy. I thought you were a man but I was wrong!"
Sam knocked the lamp off his nightstand and it went crashing into the wall. "I'm not a man now? You weren't saying that when I had you bent over in the shower, fucking your brains out!" "God you're so crass you know that?" she yelled back at him. "I'm insecure?!" You know what you're right Mara, but maybe I'm insecure because you make me feel that way! What is this huh Mara, what are we? Cause I sure as hell don't know. I mean for god sakes I asked you to marry me and you ignored me!"
Mara zipped up her bag and then ran her hands over her head. The cat was finally out of the bag. " I didn't mean to ignore you…What do you want from me Sam? I'm here aren't I. I've been here.. taking care of you…I love you, isn't that enough right now?"
''I don't need a caretaker Mara. I want a partner, I want ..a wife.'' She let out a long sigh. " I, I understand how you feel.." "How could you?" he yelled. "How could you when I'm clearly so in love with you and you're clearly not!" She stood there frozen by the bedroom door. Her heart wanted to run to him, but her head, her head wouldn't let it.
"Sam that's not true. Look I was married for close to 20 years and they were great years, most of them. You want a wife and then what? Kids.. a picket fence? I want to give you what you need, what you want, but I don't know if I can…I'm sorry." Mara walked out of the room and toward the door. It took everything in her not to turn around and throw her arms around him, she wanted to kiss him and…no she thought. What if she did all that, but could never really give him what he wanted. What if she didn't want to get married again? She couldn't do that to him and she walked out.