The situation has gotten to the point where I have no idea what to do. The belief I had wasn't certain. Sarah believes in God, but for me, I want to understand how a God who takes away people can believe in a God. Rebecca was certainly taken from me, and I thought things would get better. Sarah makes me happy, and in that way, we make each other happy. In truth, the more I get over Rebecca, the more I feel like I've been walking in shame. Sarah is a woman I have a lot of fun talking to. Rebecca was going to be my soul mate. If God could really just show me that he loves me, then I would be much happier. But at this moment, I feel miserable. Some days I just want to cry. Sometimes I have a hard time getting out of bed. There are even days when I don't eat. Bradley has been supportive of me lately, so I do try. When I pretend to smile and know that I'm hurting, I don't think I will ever find happiness.
I was listening to Sarah tell me a story about her life. Sarah shared her testimony with me. I was listening to what she was saying at a cafe. I learned that Sarah had lost someone she had a close relationship with. Sarah believed it was God's punishment. I feel the same way about Rebecca's death. Was it a punishment for me to be sad? It was obvious that Sarah was also hurting. The feeling of being alone sometimes overwhelms me. Sometimes I don't know where to turn.
I was asked a question by Hank when he found out that I was dating a Christian girl. You're dating a Christian? I didn't want him to think I was a believer. Another question he asked was, "Do you believe in God?" I was silent, unable to reply.
My schedule has been packed with work and I had a busy week. Having just gotten home, I was on the couch in the living room. Bradley noticed me looking up at the ceiling. He laid down his stuff and untied his tie. He asked if I was feeling good. I replied that I was fine.
I have been feeling depressed, but Bradley is unaware of this. In fact, I have been thinking about Rebecca constantly. I cannot stop thinking about her. My depression has been controlling my life, and I'm beginning to believe that it is God's way of punishing me. It's hard to believe that Rebecca left us. My depression is understandable. Am I to blame for Rebecca's death? How can I blame God when I blame myself.
I probably would have started thinking about my death if I hadn't moved in with Bradley. I always feel guilty, and I can't seem to get away from it. I just want my life to be normal again. Is there hope for me? Is it possible to be happy again? To get through life, it is as if I am fighting a constant battle.
I have had a great relationship with Sarah. Even so, I have days when I question whether she's the type of person I want to be dating. Is a relationship really a necessity for me right now? Bradley is convinced that meeting Sarah will help me get over Rebecca, although I have tried to tell him that I am not ready for a new relationship.
It's impossible to help myself. All I want is for Bradley to understand that I will never get over Rebecca. The two of us were meant to be together. She loved me, and I loved her.
During a meeting, Bradley was alone in his bedroom. He was on a conference call. It was a business meeting, and I was sitting in my living room. Sarah sent me some pictures, and she thanked me for listening to her the other day. I wanted to tell her that I still love Rebecca. I still mourn her loss. Additionally, I wanted to let Sarah know that Rebecca is still important to me. Bradley then emerged from his bedroom, and I was kind of silent.
"How was the meeting?" I enquired.
"It was good."
Sarah had texted me, asking if we could hang out. As I wrote her a text, I asked what she had in mind. Sarah eventually told me that we should see the lights. The holidays were rapidly approaching. Rebecca loved Christmas.