Sarah and I were watching the Christmas lights as we rode down the street. That was not my favorite part. Rebecca kept coming back to mind. We used to do this together every Christmas. I wish she were here with me right now. My eyes kept wandering outside. Sarah was talking away, and her voice kept fading. "Jessie?" She said, My eyes remained glued to the lights. "Jessie?" Sarah called out again. I turned my head and questionly humed. Sarah asked if I was feeling well. I I told her I just had something on my mind. I was politely asked if I wanted to talk about it. "Nah, not really," I shook my head.
Sarah and I decided to go out to eat after seeing the lights. We were seated by a waiter, who handed us our menus nicely. His first question was what kind of beverage we should have. As for myself, I wanted water, and so did Sarah. After asking if I could ask her a question, she agreed. She was asked if she ever blamed herself for what happened to the person she lost. His name was Gordon—sounded like a friendly person. Sarah didn't tell me much about him. Nevertheless, she told me that his death was her fault. "How so?" I asked. Sarah sighed and shrugged. "I had no idea that he was unhappy." I was a little confused at the time, I thought Gordon had committed suicide.
I suddenly realized, sometimes I think about taking my own life. Does that concern me? Bradley could suffer, and I don't want Sarah to lose me, too. I sighed, I guess I was just seeking attention, but then I realized, will death really take away my pain or will it bring it on to someone else?
Sarah drove me home on the way back. Sarah turned up the heater for me when I was asked if I was cold. I appreciate her kindness. Sarah continued to drive while I leaned back and looked out the window. My mind wondered who Gordon was. Sarah had told me once that he was her boyfriend. Turning my head, I sighed.
"I'm sorry to hear about Gordon."
Sarah sighed and smiled, "Oh, it's fine."
I softly smiled, "I know how it feels to lose someone you care about." Sarah turned her head, and I softly smiled once more. I explained my story about Rebecca. She listened attentively, and I felt all the emotions she was feeling. My feelings of sadness and anger turned into a sense of relief when I told Sarah. After all, I told her everything that had happened. Afterward, Sarah expressed her condolences.
The only difference is that my belief in God was returning. I was beginning to believe that God would never let someone suffer alone. That's why he gave me Sarah, because she understands what I'm going through. After losing someone, she understands how it feels. It seems God really wants me to be with Sarah. She has never failed to listen to me. Rebecca was the same way.
Rebecca would never judge anyone. Sarah would never judge anyone, either. It feels like my relationship with God is returning. Sarah makes me feel less alone, and, to be honest, Rebecca would also make me happy. However, Sarah is a special person to me. The fact that Rebecca was my first love will never leave me. She tells me Gordon was hers, and she thinks he was also special. We are both grieving. I am thinking of reading my bible again.
Since I lost Rebecca, I haven't read the Bible. I was angry with God. However, I now understand bad things happen to good people all the time. That's just the way it is. Sarsh experienced the same.
After my date with Sarah, I told Bradley that Sarah was beginning to mean something to me. Chuckling, Bradley said, "Seems like you've moved on from Rebecca. I knew the plan would work." He tapped me on the leg and got up. "I guess I am moving on," I said softly.