Nefretiri
"At first, I stopped wanting to eat. Then, other things became meaningless. Color, music, people." Ivan sighs, and I let go of his tags, focusing on his words. "Until I was a shell. The worst part was that I was aware of it, and I could do nothing. So... I started going down a dark road hoping to feel something."
"Depression does that." How many things had I done?
"I started drinking." Running his hand through his bangs, Ivan growls, clearly uncomfortable. "Just to feel something, anything at all, but it didn't help me. So, I started looking for fights, thinking that would do it. Bar brawls mostly, but if things were quiet in the pack, I wasn't above going to find a real fight. It helped for a while. I could feel pain, the only thing that made sense to me, but it didn't last."
"Ivan, are you sure you're okay with telling me all this?" He's holding my hand as if he needs my support to tell the story, and I'm afraid I'm pushing him too far. "You don't have to."
"I don't want to, but I need to tell you." He rubs the inside of my palm, tracing the lines. "I'm not proud of any of this, and I'm sorry I wasn't a better man. A mate should be proud of who they're with. But, unfortunately, you don't have much to be proud of with me."
"Let me make that choice, okay?" giving his hand a reassuring squeeze, and I lean my body against him. "I'm not judging."
"Fair enough," It's funny; I didn't expect to feel so protective over him. I cared more than I should. "Well, the fighting turned into gambling, which did nothing but drain my bank account. So, I moved on to worse. Drugs."
"Do they do anything to werewolves?" I'd stiffened at that. Not because I wanted to judge him but because I was scared. Not for me, but for him. I can't explain it, but my brain tried to recall something unsuccessfully.
"Most don't do shit. Our systems don't allow the effects to linger long enough to damage, but some do terrible things to us. Unfortunately, those are the ones that get you high. It's honestly a miracle I didn't kill myself."
"Are you still..." I hate to ask the question, but I need to know the answer.
"No, I'm clean. I have been for a few months now. I refuse to touch another drug, not even for a headache. Of course, I'll drink a beer and maybe a whiskey occasionally, but not like before."
"Well, it's bad, but it isn't that terrible." I try to keep my voice light. "I mean, you got yourself out of it. That's better than what I did, right?"
"Nefra, that's... not the only thing I did. I..." Ivan looks away from me, and I know what he'll say.
It shouldn't bother me, it shouldn't, but it does.
"Women." It's not a question, and he doesn't reply.
Letting go of his hand, I get up and walk several paces away from him. Unable to listen to this. It's insane, I shouldn't care, but I can't help it. After what I'd been through with Ricky, the idea that Ivan was the same way made me anxious.
I had no right to say anything. Ivan was a good-looking guy. To expect him to be a virgin at twenty-five was ridiculous, and I wasn't one to talk. I was a mom, for crying out loud. No, it's not the fact he's been with other women. I would never begrudge him that. It's the idea of how many and what'll happen when he finds out I'm worthless in bed.
"I don't care. it's your life, and we hardly know each other." I try to keep my voice even, but it's shaking. "It doesn't matter."
It was a lie, but if I admitted how much it hurt, I was giving him power I was afraid to hand over. It scared me to think about how many he'd been with. I'd only been with Ricky, and I wasn't any good, no matter how hard I tried. My mind was already convincing me that Ivan, supposedly made for me by destiny, would get bored with me. He'd find others to satisfy what I couldn't.
"Don't do that. For the love of the goddess, don't push me away." Ivan's hand grabs my arm and spins me around. My instincts take over, and I shrink in submission I don't feel. Was he going to hit me? Had I walked into the same situation I'd just left? "Nefra, don't shut me out. Scream at me, hit me, tell me you hate me, but don't shut me out."
I'm so used to violence. I knew how to respond if Ivan struck me or did anything violent. It wouldn't have been hard for me to act like I was terrified and endure the pain. This was different, though. I didn't know how to react to this. He was gentle, and his words might be angry but not degrading. He wanted me to speak up, to tell him how I felt.
"I was a fucking idiot, Nefra. I've known that even before today." Ivan lets me go and rubs his face angrily. "I didn't feel anything with them. FUCK! That sounds like an excuse, but it's the truth. I just wanted to feel something, anything, but I never did. Half the time, I couldn't even do anything because they couldn't trigger anything in me. I know that's a pathetic excuse, but it's the truth."
"Ivan..." I try to say something, but what can I say? "I... can't do this again."
"Nefra, you are the only woman I want. You were the missing piece that I've been looking for." He was coming close again, and I was torn between wanting to wrap my arms around him and running away. "I can never be with anyone else."
"He told me that before." Covering my mouth, shocked that I said it aloud, I stared at Ivan before running away from the table. I don't get far before Ivan grabs me by the waist and pulls me against him. "I can't. I can't. You don't understand! You don't know what it's like to be with someone who pretended they loved you and then spat in your face. I gave him everything for three years, and it was never enough. Everything he was, he gave to his women, and somehow, it was always my fault that things went badly. His idea of a good fuck was fifteen minutes and fuck if I felt anything. Do you know that in three years, I came twice during sex? And I had to do the work to get them."
Ivan growls angrily, but I ignore it. I couldn't believe I was admitting that to him. I'd never told a soul how bad things were. Not just the abuse but the neglect. It was all so humiliating, and I hated to face that I was worthless. So now, here I was, confessing it all to this werewolf.
"I tried so hard, and it didn't matter. It hurt every time, more than the beating. Then he started bringing them home with him and making me lie. Saying I was his sister." I pull away from Ivan and wrap my arms around myself before sitting in the grass. That was the most humiliating part. To be forced to pretend I was something else so he could take those women to our bedroom. "I don't want to get hurt again, Ivan. I don't want to be lied to anymore."
"This is all my fault." Ivan sits down beside me, watching me pull out pieces of grass. "If I'd listened to my instincts, I would've come to find you a lot sooner. I would've been there during your pregnancy when Penelope was born, and you would never have anything to worry about. Nefra, I felt you calling for me, and I ignored it because I thought I was losing my mind."
I say nothing, still playing with the grass, but Ivan pulls me into his lap and kisses my temple.
"I even went to a human therapist. She was the first to say I was acting like someone in mourning, and then my mother took me to a witch who confirmed it. She said I was mourning my mate, and I still didn't understand. How could I mourn what I didn't have? If I'd listened, things would be different."
There it was again, the sensation like I was feeling Ivan's emotions in my head, and my hands let go of the grass. My mind screamed at me not to trust him, but my heart only wanted to comfort and find security in him. The fight was enough to make me want to cry. The doubt and insecurity screamed that I was undeserving of loyalty and love. But my emotions kept reaching out to Ivan and yelling at me that he was mine. He would never want another because I was his everything.
"You have a therapist?" the words flew out, and I ducked my head, feeling the heat in my face.
"Yeah." Ivan manages a small chuckle and turns me around. "She helped me find my way again. At least to be strong enough to make it this far. I am grateful for that because now I have you and Pen-Pen. But, Nefra, listen to me. I am probably going to piss you off a lot. We'll argue, and I'll likely throw a backhanded compliment your way and never realize I've done it, but I promise you right now. I will never hurt you, ever."
"I don't-" He cuts me off, kissing my neck, and I shut up.
"The only times I will purposefully hurt you is when we're training and you're in labor." He murmurs, and my whole body goes still. Did he say labor? "What? Does that scare you?"
"You want... children with me?" Suddenly, I sound meek and unsure of myself. I can't see him away from his phone, but I know he's grinning.
"Yes, I want more children with you. And since I'll be the one getting you pregnant, well, your labor will be my fault. But otherwise, you don't need to worry. I am only yours. You're my mate and Luna, and everyone will know it."
Ivan moves, and the sound of metal clanking intrigues me. Then, unexpectedly, he put something over my head, and I gasped at the feeling of the chain touching my skin. Ivan had given me his dog tags. He wasn't allowed to do that, was he? The warmth of the metal told me he never took these off, and I tentatively touched the tags as if they would burn me.
"Ivan, you can't give me these," I whisper, still in shock over what he was doing.
"Yes, I can, and until you say I can mark you, this is my promise to you that I am yours and no one else's. Nefretiri, I am your soulmate. Every part of me only wants you in my world."
Turning my body so I can wrap my legs around his waist, I touch Ivan's face with my hands, memorizing every inch of him in the dark. It could be a lie, a trick, and I'd fall head-first into the pit of hell, but for some reason, the gesture pushed back the doubt. Ivan wanted to be mine and only mine. It was what I'd always wanted from the person I was with, and as irrational as this is, I wanted to be his as well.
"I, Nefretiri Diana Jordans, reject Richard Jushion North as my soulmate."