Asakura-san had spoken in a deep, yet soft voice. When he finished the long story, a heavy silence fell between us. I didn't know why but, for some reason, I wasn't feeling shocked by what I just heard.
In the end, I was the one who spoke first
"Have you ever met that boy since then?" I asked calmly.
"No. At least not until recently."
"Didn't you know his information? You've stalked him for so long, yet you didn't even know his name?"
"I knew it and I could have contacted him, but I didn't."
"Why?"
"Because I was afraid?"
"Afraid? Of what exactly?" I asked, feeling extremely puzzled.
This person's train of thought was getting stranger and stranger.
In the middle of my bemusement I heard Asakura-san speaking again.
"In the morning of the accident I was returning from a club party. I had stayed out the entire night without letting my father know. At dawn, I called for the driver to pick me up. The poor man had barely slept the previous night due to another one of my escapades. Because of that he was already sleep deprived. I didn't care about that, though, and simply ordered him to come fetch me."
Asakura-san paused. Then he lowered his eyes and continued to remain silent for a while. I saw him pressing his palms together, rubbing his fingertips against each other in an attempt to calm down.
When he finally spoke again, the words came out slow and painful.
"Regardless of what anyone thinks, that made me indirectly involved in the boy's accident. He ended up spending a whole year in a coma because of my selfishness. I was afraid that, if he knew about that, he'd hate me for it, or that he would feel uncomfortable around me. Thus, I never showed myself to him. Instead, I kept watching him from the shadows. Once I found out he became a novelist, I bought several copies of his books." Asakura-san finished, revealing a small, sad smile.
Besides that expression, there was also something different in his voice, something I had never heard before from this man: remorse.
It gave me the impression that each word he said represented a lash of a whip, a wound that he inflicted upon himself. He wanted to atone for his sin and this was the only way he could think of.
"What's the name of this person?" I suddenly asked, even though I already knew the answer.
"Masato Keita." he replied quietly.
"En. I understand now." I said with a slow nod.
It was true that I was still a bit confused, though. This entire story seemed almost unbelievable.
During this entire time, I had never tried to find out more about what happened or who was involved in that accident. It was hard enough for me to deal with the aftermath. For me to go around asking questions about what had already happened more than a year previously would have been a waste of time and effort.
But even so, for Asakura-san to be so closely involved… seemed surreal.
However, regardless of how incredible it sounded, based on Asakura-san's personality and the manner in which he spoke just now, it was obvious that every word he said was true. If that was indeed so, then this person sitting in front of me had been carrying this heavy weight with him for fifteen years.
Being torn between feelings of guilt and remorse, while harboring hopes of redemption. He must have spent hours upon hours drowning in self-loathing. How is that living?
And there are also those feelings he has for me. I may be presumptuous in thinking this, but I am sure these past fifteen years must have been as difficult for him as it had been for me.
Thinking about this, I suddenly obtained a new determination.
This life of hurt and pain had to stop, for both of us. It was time to be free from our fears, to break the shackles and fly out into the world. Just like a caged bird who had been freed from its prison, we had the chance to live freely and openly. It was the first time, ever since I had woken up from the coma, that I was feeling this confident.
Brimming with newfound hope, I stared into Asakura-san's eyes, wanting to convey my feelings and help him obtain the same liberation from the past that I just had.
"You have chained yourself for far too long, Asakura-san. It is time to stop now. The accident was not your fault, nor was anything that happened in my life afterwards. From now on, you should live your own life, the way you want to."
"I want to live it with you."
"That's not possible." I replied curtly. "We can be friends, at most. But anything more than that, is not possible."
"Why is that?"
"Because I already have someone I like."
"So blunt and honest." Asakura-san smiled sadly.
"It's nothing short of what I have promised."
"Indeed, you've always been this honest with me." He stopped for a moment then continued to ask. "Is it Kurosawa-san?"
I paused, staring into his eyes. After a moment, I gathered my courage and replied resolutely.
"Yes. I like Kurosawa Rintarou."
"I see. And does he like you in return?"
"That... I don't know." I finished after a split second of hesitation.
It was true that I haven't heard about Kurosawa-san's feelings yet. But that didn't matter. What mattered was knowing my own feelings first, and they were clearly leaning towards Kurosawa-san.
Therefore, I raised my head as if to defy anyone who would dare to doubt me.
"I like him, that's the truth. Regardless of whether he likes me back or not, it won't change the way I feel about him."
"Such strong resolution."
Saying that, Asakura-san sighed deeply, brushing a hand through his hair. Despite seeming extremely tired, that casual gesture of his still exuded a strong air of elegance.
"Well then, I can only wish you good luck with those feelings. Though, I might continue stalking you from time to time, so be prepared." he chuckled.
"Asakura-san, I am fighting the urge to call you creepy."
Instead of feeling insulted, Asakura-san seemed amused by my frankness. He laughed heartily, his whole body shaking.
"Goodbye, Masato-sensei. I'll see you around." He said, stretching out a hand towards me.
"En. See you around." I replied, clasping his hand.
During this handshake, I was able to hear his true parting words. It was probably the closure he needed in order to move on.
'I love you, Keita. You will always be my one and only love at first sight.'
This time around I didn't feel flustered, nor embarrassed. All those moments when I had been muddle-headed were long gone. Now it was time to face people's feelings, as well as my own.
With this determination, my fingers tightened around his hand.
"En, I know. Thank you for your feelings, Ryuu-san."
After this meeting with Asakura-san ended, I could feel the knot inside my heart slowly loosening.
Surely, this was a new beginning, for the both of us.