Ever since I was a child, I liked to avoid confrontation with others. It didn't matter whether I was in the right or the wrong, I didn't like to butt heads with others or get into a heated argument with them. I didn't like it. It was one thing to stay quiet when one was in the wrong, but I tended to stay quiet even when the other party was clearly in the wrong.
For example, once, when I was in elementary school, a boy in my class had mistaken my pencil case for his (Though, when I think back to it now, he hadn't mistaken it. He had purposefully stolen it.). He was holding it and showing it to our other classmates as his own with pride and excitement. But, I knew it belonged to me, for it had the same cute, little figure of Pikachu dangling from one end. And I was sure that it still had my name written inside the case in red crayons. But I didn't confront him about it. That pencil case was my favorite and I wanted him to give it back to me. But I didn't have it in me to go ask him to just do that directly. Honestly, I was scared. Before I even took action, my brain started thinking of the possible consequences.
If I were to ask him to give the pencil case back, saying that it was mine, he would no doubt say that it belonged to him. To prove that it was mine, I would have to bring up the Pikachu hanging from the sides and my name written with red crayons inside. That way, I would be able to prove that it belonged to me and get it back. But, what about him - the one who mistakenly took it for his (stole) ?
Sure, I will get my treasured pencil case back but the other kid will be established as a thief. Everyone will start distancing themselves from him and he would be ostracized. His image will be damaged and he will be treated as a thief from then on. He will end up being alone and he will be hurt. Sure, it would be the result of his own actions. But what mattered to me more was that it would be me who would be the cause of his sadness and pain. And that was what kept me from taking action.
For me, it didn't matter whether someone was good or bad. What mattered was whether it was me - my actions - that hurt someone else. I can't stand that. Even the idea of someone else getting hurt by my actions, or inactions was something that made me shudder. I don't know how or why I developed such a perspective. Maybe realizing the fact that my mom died giving birth to me was what triggered such beliefs to embed deeply inside my heart. But, the fact was, whether wittingly or unwittingly, I didn't want to be the cause of pain and sadness for others. And that belief, that principle, still holds true. Even now.
*
"Why don't you confront her? You should talk it out with her and ask her what it was that made her distance herself from you. It may even result in the two of you reconciling and who knows maybe marrying each other instead." The bartender, whose name was Anthony, gave a laugh as he placed the expensive-looking wine glass on his upper shelf.
"There is no way that is ever going to happen," I answered as I drank a non-alcoholic drink. From the bottle Anthony poured the drink, I managed to catch a glimpse of its name. Pentire Adrift with tonic stirred and garnished with a lemon peel. From what he told me, it served as a good alternative for gin. Whenever I took a sip, it felt as if a sea breeze was washing over me. The reason why I was not having any alcoholic drinks was that it was still noon and I had an important meeting shortly.
"Why is that?"
"Because I am a Libra."
"What kind of answer is that?"
"Why? Don't you know that Libra people hate confrontation?"
"I wouldn't know. I don't like horoscopes and stuff to be honest. Never liked them since I was a child. It just feels like they are bamboozling us by saying general stuff that is applicable to most people around the world that tricks them into thinking that the people behind it are something supernatural when it is just an old, filthy man spouting nonsense."
"They will come after your ass if someone heard you say so."
"Don't worry. I will say these things only behind closed doors." While we were talking, he had whipped up another drink for an old man who was seated a bit away from me.
After handing the drink to him, Anthony once again turned to look at me.
"So, you don't like confrontation. That's why you are avoiding talking about this matter with the girl."
"Yeah. That's it."
"Why don't you like it? If you don't ask for what you want and make it clear to the world, you won't get it. You are well aware of that, no?"
"I am. But, I still don't like it."
"Why?"
"Because I don't want others to get hurt because of my actions."
When I had come across Alicia multiple times on the bus, I had seen her face and the expression she wore. Whenever she happened to see my face, her face will scrunch up in pain. I could see that. I understood that she wanted to avoid me, and avoid being anywhere around me. Because she was sure, it will annoy her; it will pain her. And I don't want that. I don't want someone else to be hurt because of me. I would hate it. I would rather suffer myself silently than watch others suffer because of me. It was the same for me back then. And it is still the same. I have not managed to change that perspective.
"Then, what? You are going to live this way forever?"
"That seems likely, yes."
"Do you realize that it is simply not possible? That a human can't ever live without hurting others? No matter how hard you try, it is impossible. Humans hurt others, just by existing."
"I know that it is impossible. I may not have known it but I am sure that my actions or my words have, at some point, hurt someone out there. But, you see, that was something I didn't have under my control. I don't even know what it was that might have hurt others so there is no way I can do anything about it, as much as it pains me. But, what I can do, is not hurt others when I have control over it. Just like the current situation."
I know that if I were to confront Alicia about this matter, she will end up being hurt. But only if I confronted her. That meant if I avoided this matter altogether, if I continued to suffer silently all by myself, then that would mean she will not have to be hurt. I know it is impossible to not hurt others. But if there is ever a chance that I could avoid hurting someone else, I will do so. Even if it ends up hurting myself in the process.
"That is pretty messed-up, you know," Anthony said with a conflicted expression on his face.
"Yeah, I know." Without him having to say it out loud, I was aware that my take on things was pretty messed-up. But, there is nothing I can do about it. This is just the way I am. My code of conduct. Or maybe that is my manufacturing defect. But that's just who I am.
Anthony gave a sigh and went to prepare another drink.
"You are not going to ask me the reason for the other hypothetical scenario you conjured up?"
Anthony, while shaking a drink in his right hand, looked at me as if he had no idea what I was talking about.
"You know, about the possibility that I and Alicia will end up getting married?"
"Well, the reason is pretty clear, isn't it?"
"What? You figured it out without even me telling you about it? Are you an esper or what?"
"No way I am. One doesn't need to be an esper to figure out something that simple. If you don't want to confront her then you won't be able to reconcile with her. If you can't reconcile then there is no way you two can get married."
There was a slight pause before I responded. "Yeah, right." And then I couldn't hold it in. I burst out laughing.
"Hmm? What? Did I say something funny?"
"No, no. You didn't."
I had thought that he had somehow figured out the reason why I can't even imagine getting married to Alicia but seems like it was not what I thought it was. I was relieved yet at the same time I was a bit disappointed. Maybe, I did want him to know the other reason. I probably wanted to share it with someone else so that I could drink up some of their sympathies. How pathetic I am.
I got up and paid for my drink. That was when the old man who had been drinking quietly in a seat two seats away spoke up.
"Don't fret about it, young lad!" He was pretty drunk and his voice was slurry. "Don't worry about hurting others like that. Just go and say to the girl that you love her. That's that. If she doesn't feel the same way about you, things wouldn't be much different from your current situation. And if she does, then, ma boy, you two can get married. Just forget about the stranger she is getting married to and focus on you two's happiness!" His words were garbled and at times, ran together, but I managed to make sense of it all.
Hearing the old man, I couldn't help but crack a smile.
"I can't do that."
"Because you don't want to hurt others? Even if it is a stranger?" The one to ask this was Anthony.
"There is that too."
"Too? You mean you have another reason?"
"Yeah."
"And what is that?"
"The one she is getting married to is my best friend."
For the rest of my life, I will never forget the face Anthony made at that moment.