"Feelings can change over time, you know?" Nancy told me as the two of us waited for the bus to arrive.
Today was a holiday and I had gone out to buy the new game that was released last week. Nancy, the tall girl with long brown hair, had also come around here for some shopping when I met her. She was also returning home so we decided to just go together.
At the bus stand, we had been waiting for the bus to arrive while talking with each other when the conversation naturally moved to my relationship with Alicia. At this point in time, it was more than expected. In fact, if someone who knew both of me and Alicia did not bring this topic out, that would be more surprising for me.
Nancy had asked whether we were just friends or actually in a relationship and just pretending to be friends on the outside to keep things under cover. I said no immediately though I did linger on her latter question. If I were in a relationship with her or any other girl, why would I need to hide it? I didn't see the point in it unless it was something drastic that could affect our personal lives.
She did not let me get too hung up on that and asked another question.
"You say that now but will you be able to say the same ten years from now? Maybe it would change within a year. Who knows?"
"I don't think that will ever happen." This time I did not have to think hard before giving that answer as I had already done the thinking part before answering Alex a somewhat similar question previously.
"But, feelings can change over time, you know?"
"But that is not set in stone, is it?" I do not like to think that feelings and bonds are of such frail nature that could break over such a short span of time.
"It also isn't set in stone that it won't change, right?" Nancy stretched her long legs out and looked at the blue sky above before continuing. It felt as if she was seeing something far in the distance that I could not see. Not at that moment at least.
"Relationship between people is never stale. It always keeps on growing and evolving. That is what keeps relationships interesting between people. If it is the same as always, you will feel that your relationship with the other person is not going well and that is when it starts going downhill, eventually causing them to fall apart. But, there are many relationships that can evolve positively over time. The bond between two friends or family members gets stronger over time. You see that happen all around us. Similarly, friendship can also evolve into love. Especially, when they are as close as you two. So there is a high possibility that you two can develop romantic feelings for each other."
Nancy was a talented individual. Both academically and athletically. She was really perceptive as well. She really liked to dig around deep into things like psychology and philosophy and that showed in her conversations sometimes. Just like now.
I found myself agreeing with her arguments. It was true that such things can happen. I have heard many of my friends who have developed feelings for their friends over time. However, no matter how often I simulated a scenario of me and Alicia being in a relationship, it didn't feel right.
"You may be right. But, in our case, that will never happen. I think of her as a friend, as my family. The two of us being in a romantic relationship will never happen."
"If you say so, then I will leave it at that. But, I warn you, be careful. If this conviction you have breaks sometime in the future, you will be devastated."
"Although I don't think it will ever happen, thanks for worrying about me."
"Like I am telling you, the future is uncertain. Anything can happen."
"Anything but not our relationship."
"You are being so adamant about this." Nancy sulked.
"As are you."
"Fine. I won't be too persistent with this. But, if in the future your relationship does change and you become devastated, I will be there for you." She winked an eye at me.
"Really?" I laughed a little. "How exactly will you help me out if that happens?"
She looked up at the sky again, with her index finger around her chin.
"I am not so sure how I will go about it. Maybe hug you tightly?"
"That would be much appreciated." The bus arrived and the two of us hopped in. We continued to chat about this and that until Nancy got off at her station which was only five minutes away from my house.
She dropped off and the bus took off once again. I looked from the window to the blue sky above. The conversation with Nancy played inside my mind. At that time, the blue projector that looked close, yet so far away, showed me a vision of the future - the vision where Alicia and I were still good friends. That made all the doubts I had fade away.
*****
"I hate blue sky!"
I slammed the glass on the table loudly as I asked Anthony for another drink.
"You sure looked peeved today."
"Of course I am!"
I recalled how that blue projector had deceived me, showing me false images of the future - false hope. Now that I realized it had all been fake, I was pissed off at the blue sky. If it had not given me hope, I would not be so swallowed by despair right now.
"Yeah, it was that sky's fault." Not mine.
"Have you gone mad now, boy?" Anthony placed another drink on the table. The sound of the bell jingling reached my ears. Another customer must have come in. After all, there was no one else inside the bar except me. So it was not the sound of someone opening the door to leave.
"No. I have just come to my senses now. I had been mad back then." I madly believed that the feelings I had for Alicia were only pure friendship. But, now I was sure, that I was in love with her.
But, when exactly had my feelings progressed from mere friendship to love? During my college days, when I was still together with her, there was not even an inkling of such feelings taking root in my heart.
When was it that I realized that I was in love with her?
"After she stopped talking with me..."
That was the trigger. I started feeling a great sense of loss after she stopped responding to my messages and texts. I was devastated. I wanted her back in my life, at any cost. I wanted to be by her side. I wanted her to be by my side. For the first time, I felt like I wanted her. That feeling of want was what made me slowly realize that I was in love with her. I lost her and then I realized I never wanted to lose her. I realized she was not just a friend. She was something more than just a friend. What was she then? What do I feel about her? As I questioned myself, one word popped into my mind.
Love.
It was as if I was just woken up from a sudden dream. It was abrupt, yet it felt natural. As if it was always there deep inside my heart and just waiting for me to notice. I realized that I was in love with her. That realization broke me. Why did I realize it at this time? If I had noticed it sooner, things could have been different now. If I hadn't realized it at all, then it would have been even better. Why now? I lamented.
Only when she was gone, did I feel that. Then, if she had not left me, those feelings would have not taken shape, right? It would have never happened and we would still be continuing as good friends. Instead of wasting myself on alcohol right now, I would be with her, helping her with her marriage with my best friend. This was all her fault, yeah. Alicia was the one who made me this miserable.
See? Here I go again. Blaming someone else.
"I am pathetic."
"So it seems, yeah." A clear voice rang in my ears.
I looked around and saw a tall woman in an office suit sitting next to me. She had long brown hair and a beautiful face. I recognized her.
"Nancy...?"
She smiled.
"Yeah, it has been a long while, hasn't it?"
She asked Anthony for a drink. Without asking what drink she wanted, Anthony quickly whipped up a drink.
As I looked at Nancy in confusion, she, knowing what was on my mind, answered the question when I had not even asked it, "I am sort of regular here."
"I never noticed." I was a regular here myself so if she was also a regular then I should have met her at least once. But I had never seen her here before so I was a bit confused.
"You were always out drunk when I arrived so there's no way you will notice."
"That is true..." But she could have called out me. Then, I realized that it must have been difficult for her to approach me when I was reduced to such a deplorable state. I felt a bit ashamed that a friend of mine had to see this pathetic side of me.
She took a sip of the drink.
"It's good as always." She said to Anthony.
"So, how are things going on in life?" I asked her.
"Pretty good I would say. I have already started working."
"Yeah, figured." She was in formal office attire so I had an inkling. She was always cool, level-headed, and seemed like someone who knew exactly what she was doing with her life; unlike me, who only pretended to know where exactly I was headed. She had already started working as a member of society. So was Alex. Only I was left behind, it seemed. And to be honest, I did feel a bit down by that.
"You are not doing so well, though," Nancy observed.
"You can tell, eh?"
"Anyone can tell."
Nancy traced the rim of her glass with her index finger. She gave me a sidelong glance.
"So, now do you agree that feelings can change over time?"
The shock was so immense that I almost knocked myself down to the ground. It was Anthony who was quick to grab my arms before that happened.
I thanked him.
I did not respond to Nancy's jab and just hid my face with my arms for a while.
"I saw you emerging out of that Burger House. You were meeting up with Alex, right?"
"Yeah. You were stalking me?" I said, jokingly.
"No. I met up with Alicia right around then, so I just happened to see you."
The glass in my hands shook a little when I heard her name. Some of the drink spilled over on the table and I cleaned it with my sleeve.
"I see. What did you talk about?" I tried to hide how shaken I was from her while knowing that she already had seen through me.
"About their marriage, of course."
"I see."
"But, it was strange."
"What was?"
"She didn't bring up your name even once during the whole conversation. It was almost as if she was deliberately trying to not touch on that topic. What happened?"
"I don't know. I really don't." If I knew what had happened, I would have done something about it. It was all pointless conjecture now though.
I was a bit hurt by this new piece of information. The fact that she was avoiding talking about me, wretched me. I had noticed it before. While I was talking with Alex, he also didn't bring up anything related to Alicia. I found that strange. It wouldn't be strange for him to have deliberately avoided that topic. Maybe he had some idea about what was going on. The thought of asking him crossed my mind for a second but I immediately found my boots shaking. Yeah, I can't do it. Because I know, it will hurt him and also Alicia. So, I gave up on that idea then and there.
"So you know everything?" I asked.
After her conversation with Alicia and after seeing this pathetic state of mine, she would start getting suspicious at the very least.
"I knew about it beforehand though."
"How?"
"Well, I did say I was coming to this bar every day and I saw you regularly. Sorry, but I also overheard some of your conversations with Anthony so I managed to put two and two together."
"I hate you for your intelligence."
She chuckled a little.
Anthony served me another drink. I finished it all in one gulp and he started preparing another drink.
As I waited for my next drink to be ready, I looked at Nancy beside me.
"I hate you, you know."
"For what this time?"
"Why didn't you tell me that you knew this was bound to happen?"
"I did. You don't remember?"
"No, I do. But it was just your hypothesis at that time. You should have shown me proof to make me believe."
"There was no way I could do that. And you know it."
"All that intelligence for nothing."
"That's a bit harsh, isn't it?"
"Yeah, it is."
Anthony slid my seventh shot for the evening. I gulped it down once again in one breath.
With pity in her eyes, Nancy looked at me.
"You really are devastated."
"That I am. Just like you predicted."
"I wish this prediction hadn't come true."
"Wish is all we can do now." After all, we can do nothing to change this situation so all we can do is wish for miracles to happen.
"Here you go," Anthony said. I finished my eighth glass of the night.
"Do you think drowning yourself in alcohol will help you? Do you think it will help you forget Alicia?"
I looked at Nancy. By now, my vision had started getting hazy and my brain was not responding as quickly as before. My systems were slowing down. But, as slurry as my voice was, I did manage to squeeze out a few words in response.
"You shouldn't assume that every heartbroken drinker drinks to forget about the person that never became theirs, Nancy."
"What are you drinking so much for, if not for that?"
I felt like my lips curled up in a smile.
"I drink so that I can meet her. In my dreams. So that I can be with her, in my dreams, at least. In my drunken fantasy."
Those words brought out memories of the conversation I once had with my now-dead father.