My best friend is what you would call the school heartthrob. He had blonde hair with a pair of blue ocean eyes. He had handsome features and a likable personality to boot. It wasn't just his looks that made him widely popular in the school. He was athletic and good at sports. If there were a huge crowd of girls squeaking somewhere, you could know that he - Alex - was there. Combine his good looks, friendly nature, and good athletic ability and you will have no trouble accepting that he was popular in the school. But when it came to grades, well, let's say he was average. I mean, if he was good even in academics then more than half the boys in the school will curse the God above for giving preferential treatment to someone.
I and Alex had been together since the first grade. He had transferred to our school from somewhere else though which school it was, I don't remember. We weren't that close when he first arrived at school. But, as days passed by and we progressed classes, we became closer one way or the other and by fifth grade, we were best friends already. He was cool to hang around with. Because of him, I got to experience so many new things which I wouldn't have experienced otherwise. He has given me a lot. I am really thankful to him for having come into my life.
I really am. I really was. Well, now, I can't say that I am not a bit angry at him. I know that it is unreasonable. But, you can't blame me, can you? No, actually, you can blame. Everything about this situation is my fault. It was my inaction that led to this royal mess. But, still, I wanted to pin the blame onto someone for something so that I could feel at ease. I know that this is miserable. But I can't help it.
After getting out of the bar, I caught a bus and arrived at the scheduled meeting place ten minutes later. To calm my racing nerves, I smoked a cigarette in a small shop. I chewed gum so that my breath won't reek of cigarettes and then walked up the stairs to the recently opened Burger House in that area a few distances ahead of the shop.
On one corner of the spacious and well-furnished restaurant/cafe, I spotted the man I was supposed to meet.
There he was - Alex. He looked the same as usual. No, maybe he looked even better than during our high school days. The beard really suited him.
It had been quite a long time since I had last seen him. Looking at him now, under these circumstances, made me recall some things from the past.
****
"Hey, my feet hurt. Carry me!" Alicia said with a sulky voice as she wrapped her arms around my neck.
"Hey, you reek of sweat. And you are wet. Don't stick your body close to me." I shoved her aside with my hands.
"What?! No, I don't stink."
"Yes, you do!"
Alicia smelled her arms and neck then said, half to herself, "I don't think I smell that much though..."
"I think you gotta go check your nose or something."
"Maybe I should..." I had only meant it as a joke but she was taking it a bit seriously. I was about to say that it was only a joke and she did not really have to go check her nose or something, but before I could, she cut me off with her loud voice.
"More importantly," she began, "you pushed me away!"
"That is what's important?!"
"Yes, it is! How dare you push me!" She stomped my way and wrapped her arms tight around me. She pressed her whole body against me. Her wet clothes clung to my body.
"Hey, stupid, what are you doing? Get away from me!"
"No!" She said and she only tightened her grip the more I tried to get away. Despite being a girl with short stature, she had incredible strength in her hands. It may be because of her daily tennis practice.
The struggle continued for a while but I was still in the clutches of the tiger.
"Stop it, Alicia. You are clearly bothering him now."
A tall girl with long brown hair came behind Alicia and picked up Alicia by the collar of her t-shirt as one would pick a stray cat by its neck. Alicia's feet had now left the ground and she was kicking empty air in protest but to no avail.
"Let me go, Nancy!"
"No. You are coming with me to the changing room. I can't stand the two of you flirting for too much on school grounds."
"But I have not bothered him enough. Please!"
"Flirting so much daily isn't still enough for you?" Nancy sighed at her friend's usual antics. And as usual, I once again thanked her for her help.
"Thank you, Nancy! You saved me once again!"
"You also stop with that act already." She gave me a deadpan look.
"You two lovebirds are at it again, eh?" A new voice came from behind me. Without even looking back, I knew who it was.
"For that umpteenth time, Alex and Nancy, we are not lovebirds. We are just friends."
"Sure doesn't look that way to me."
"It doesn't matter what way it looks to you. We are not what you think and that is a fact, regardless of what your opinion on the matter is."
I took my bag from his hand and slid it over my shoulder.
"Oh, Alicia, I have some plans with Alex so you have to head back alone today."
"Okay. Bye."
"Yeah, see you tomorrow."
"You two are weird, you know?" Nancy said as she looked at the two of us with a confused expression on her face before eventually going off with Alicia in tow.
After seeing Alicia and Nancy off, Alex and I made our way toward the stairs.
"Hey, is it true that you turned down another girl today?" I asked him that question when we had walked away from the school.
"Yeah." Alex folded his hands behind his head and answered listlessly.
"Damn, how many does that make it now?"
"I don't know. Maybe twenty or something."
"That's huge!" And that still felt like an understatement.
Alex was extremely good-looking, a superb athlete, and a wonderful person. He was popular all over the school and with such an amazing guy around of course a lot of girls would take a shot at him. As such, he had received so many confessions to date and he had turned every single one of them. It was puzzling to me. So I asked the question that had been swimming inside my head for a while now.
"Why have you turned down so many confessions? I think among those who have confessed their feelings to you, there were many girls who were beautiful and suited you. But you even turned them down. I can't seem to figure out why. Even if you were not so sure about them, you could have at least agreed to date them and then decided after that. But you didn't waste a single breath before rejecting them."
Who knows that one of them could have won his heart eventually and they could have been a couple by now. But Alex had not spared even a thought for those girls. I always thought that it was a bit extreme and he was being stubborn for some reason.
"Well, I can't deny that."
"Can I know the reason why?"
"It's because I have someone I have feelings for."
"!" I found my blood rushing with excitement. I got in front of him and grabbed both of his shoulders. I shook them violently as I couldn't control myself.
"Really?! Wow! Why didn't you tell me? Who is the girl? Is she from our school or outside? When did you develop feelings for her? Have you confessed yet? Have you-
"Wait, wait, wait! Stop shaking me this hard." Alex ungripped himself from my hold and distanced away from me. "And stop asking so many questions at the same time!"
"I know, but I can't help myself." You can't blame me for this.
I was really surprised and couldn't keep my curiosity from getting the better of me. I had been his friend for a really long time now and this was the first that I had heard that he had someone he had feelings for. Of course, it would get me going.
"Tell me, who it is?" I was persistent.
"No point in telling you! She is not interested in me!"
"You don't know that yet, do you? I don't think there is any girl who won't be interested in you." And I didn't use those words lightly.
"No, I know for sure that she isn't interested in me!"
"How can you be so-"
"Because she is interested in you!"
I was left speechless by the words that left his mouth.
"Wait, what are you..." It took me a second to process the words he had said. I stood there for a hot minute as I tried to sort out the meaning and implications behind those words.
"Wait. Are you talking about.....Alicia?"
Alex did not respond and just stared at me in silence. I knew him and his antics. Him remaining silent meant that I was right on the mark.
It was a shock. I never knew that he had feelings for Alicia.
"How long have you had feelings for her?"
"For two years, now."
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?!"
"As if I could, you dolt! Not when I know how close you two are!"
I wanted to quickly dispel his misunderstanding but looking at the serious expression on his face, I knew that I could not treat this as lightly as I had done previously.
I took a deep breath and spoke in a gentle and clear voice.
"Listen here, my buddy Alex. There is nothing really going on between us. I mean it. We are just friends. A bit closer than others but yes that is it. It looks like we are in a relationship to others only because we belong to different sexes. I do the same with you. But people don't think that we are in a romantic relationship, do they? What they think is that we are good friends. The only difference between your and her friendship with me is the difference in sex. That is all. We hold no romantic feelings toward each other. And I am sure Alicia feels the same way. I swear."
"...Really...?" He asked, still doubtful of me.
"Really! God, how many times do I have to tell you this? Do you have so little trust in me?"
When I put it that way, I could see Alex was feeling a bit uncomfortable. He looked away from me and started walking again. I resumed walking too.
"It's not that I don't trust you. It's just that...when I see the two of you together all buddy-buddy and touchy-feely, I can't help but feel that way. You can agree that it gives people the wrong idea."
"I agree. But there really is nothing I can do about other people's opinion about me, can I?"
"No, you can't." Alex released the breath he had been holding in for the whole of this conversation.
"Hey, do you really not feel anything remotely romantic towards her? Have you not even once thought of getting into a relationship with her? And, most importantly, can you say that you will never fall in love with her in the future?"
"I didn't and I still don't have romantic feelings for her," I answered the first two questions immediately but the last question needed some bit of thinking on my part.
The concept of love has been something that has evaded me for a long time. I really do not understand what defines being in love. There really is not a clear demarcation between being in love and being friends. It is all so confusing.
I have thought about it on more than one occasion. People have told us that it seems like I am in a relationship with Alicia. Why did they think so? Because we are closer to each other than normal? But, isn't that what it means to be friends? To be closer to them than others. Then doesn't that mean being in love and being friends are the same thing? Does that mean I am in love with her? No, I think not. Although I want us to be together as friends forever, the thought of marrying her and making a family with her has not crossed my mind. Not even once. That is what being in love has that is different from being just friends. And that likely wouldn't happen in the future as well. At that moment, I had that fair conviction within me. So I answered the last question.
"Yes. I do not think I will ever fall in love with her. She will be my friend. Always. And nothing more."
"Is that so?" Alex tried to act cool but I could see that he was relieved to hear my answer. I couldn't help but giggle beside him.
"What?"
"Nah, nothing."
"Okay."
The two of us soon reached our destination. The arcade. This was the arcade we used to go to play games every weekend. It was a famous spot for hanging out for us. And this arcade was operating for the last time today and we wanted to relive all those memories we had created here for the last time. The number of people was triple than what it usually was. That just showed how popular this place was and how many memories it held for so many people.
We were about to head inside when Alex asked me a question.
"Hey."
"What?"
"You said that you don't have any feelings for Alicia, right?"
"Here we go again." I sighed without meaning to Although I was slightly irritated at this time, I answered him. "Yes, I don't."
"Then you will have no problem if I gun for her, right?'
"Of course not!" In fact, I would be happy if two of my friends could be happy together. That was what I really felt at that moment.
*****
I should have been happy.
It's not like I wasn't happy. I really was. For them. But it wasn't all happiness. There was also a certain amount of pain hitting me hard and eroding the little bit of happiness I had for Alex and Alicia.
"Hey, it's been a long time!"
Alex got up from his seat after spotting me and came running toward me. He hugged me and I hugged him back.
"Yup. Been a long while."
"You seem to have gotten a bit taller." He observed me closely.
"And you bastard seem to have gotten more handsome."
"Really?" He gave a hearty laugh and the two of us made our way back to the table he had reserved for the two of us.
We ordered some light drinks and snacks and talked about what had happened in our respective lives. Alex had already received his engineering license and he said he had already landed a job in a fairly big company. He never was the type to invest in studies so it came as a bit of a surprise when I heard that he was an engineer now. It made me think that people really changed over time. So did feelings you never knew.
As the conversation continued, it naturally moved toward the hot topic of now.
"Sorry, I didn't get to talk to you enough last week."
"No problem. I knew you were tight on time with how many people you had to meet."
"Yeah. It really was tough. I had to keep it up for three days straight."
"That's rough."
"You can say that again."
Last week, the one who had come to deliver the wedding invitation card to me was none other than him. He had said that he had to go and deliver these cards to a lot of people personally so he couldn't spend much time with me.
"Man, it still feels unreal that I am getting married to Alicia." He muttered as he looked up at the ceiling.
"Congratulations, buddy. You made it."
"Yeah, I did." When he brought his head back down, I noticed the change in his expression.
"You don't feel bad that I am taking away your Alicia?"
"No." I think I managed to perfectly hide the shock I felt from his words. I knew that he would bring this conversation up. That was why I had not drunk in the bar today. I knew that if I was even the slightest bit drunk, I will not be able to keep a lid on all of my emotions perfectly. And I wanted to avoid that at all costs. That was why I hadn't drunk a single drop of alcohol.
"Why would I feel bad? In fact, I am happy that the two of you are getting together. I really am."
This is so not good. I want to die right now. I can't believe my heart is aching when I am saying this. I am not fit to be your friend anymore, am I, Alex?
"Thanks buddy. So with that, can I ask you to become my best man tomorrow?"
He had no way of knowing how much damage that line had dealt to my already corrupt heart. Stop it. Don't make me despise myself more than this. My heart was screaming inside. But, on the outside, I was fine. Perfectly fine.
I mustered the best smile I could manage and spoke in a merry tone.
"Of course! I would love to expose all of your dirty secrets in front of the whole world tomorrow."
"Please keep it in moderation."
Then the conversation veered to all the mischievous and senseless things we did when we were back in school. The conversation lasted for another full hour.
After promising to be present at his wedding as one of his best men tomorrow, I bid him bye and at once my legs took me to the only place that could afford me solace.
Despite it still being five in the evening, the sky was dark. As if the sky was the manifestation of all the dark feelings that were storming inside my heart.
During the whole duration of when the two of us talked, there was this heavy feeling weighing my heart down constantly.
I was happy that two of the people I really valued were getting married. I was. But I couldn't help but think. What about me? Where was I now? I couldn't help but feel jealous of Alex. There was this voice screaming in the back of my head. It should have been me, it said.
I know that there was no point in me being jealous of Alex. The fault lay with me. Alex had asked me back then. Whether or not I will have any negative feelings if he and Alicia did end up together. At that time, what had I said? That I will not. And it was not a lie. At least not back then.
What a fool I was. Couldn't I have said I didn't know? Couldn't I have realized that my feelings could have changed sometime in the future?
Yeah, there was no way I could have known. But, there was someone who knew. She had warned me as well. But I had completely brushed it off, foolishly believing myself. I looked up at the dark sky and muttered.
"Yeah, Nancy, you were right."
I hated myself for not taking that warning into consideration back then.
I know what I was doing. I was blaming my past self. I was feeling so down and so miserable. I was confused as to what brought about this situation. I told myself that it was not something under my control. But I couldn't help but feel that, somewhere, the fault lay with me. But I was already so down that I didn't want to drag myself down any further. That was why I was trying to escape by pinning the blame on someone else. I couldn't blame Alicia. I couldn't blame Alex. I couldn't blame anyone else. It was wrong. So the only one I could blame was me. But I couldn't blame the current me. My heart wouldn't be able to take its toll. That was why I was blaming my past self. So that the current me could feel a bit better. This is so pathetic, I know. But, this is all his fault, yeah; me from back then - it is his fault and not my current self's.